Luna didn't turn into Nightmare Moon and wasn't banished to the moon. One day, at the school of gifted unicorns, Luna and Celestia sees the potential of Twilight Sparkle and Sunset Shimmer. Each of the princesses chooses one of them as a student. Twilight Sparkle and Sunset Shimmer will spend their lives as students with their mentors as they grow together.
Background belongs to Magister39
Princess Celestia vector belongs to DashieSparkle
Princess Luna vector belongs to DashieSparkle
Chapters (9)
Honestly, I'm on edge about this chapter. It is clear that you have a lovely idea for a story in mind and that you are eager to share it. And maybe too eager to get to the more important and/or interesting parts. Try to slow down a little bit to create a proper atmosphere to draw the reader in. This chapter could easily be one or two thousand words long, given how many things happen in there. Also, try not to jump between various information in the paragraphs so much and also tell less--there is no need to say the fillies talked about the princesses and then have them talk about the princesses. And last, try to avoid repeating the names so much.
I'm sorry for such a negative comment, but I think this will help you grow as a writer, and I'd do more harm than good by sugarcoating this. I'd really like to see this story finished one day, but right now, you ought to find someone who could guide you and help you with the execution of the story.
Not bad, I see some potential here
No offense meant but you need an editor.
Short but cute
I hope that Sunset doesn't become evil just because she can't do certain spell like Twilight
9526010
Don't worry, she it will not turn evil.
9526023
Oh thank god
I have to agree with avendrial, there's quite a lot of telling and not as much showing. It's got potential and it is an interesting idea and certainly something I'm willing to continue reading.
However, I do suggest learning a little more about Tell and Show in writing, and there are some around here in writing groups that can help you with that.
Biggest advice for this is "Show more what the ponies are doing through writing, show a little more about their thoughts/expressions" Writing (in my opinion) is sort of the opposite in where tv shows and other forms of media are: Media shows and uses visual and audial cues and only need to have the character's actors voice their lines (even then that's an art itself) Writing however has to rely on using word cues and the reader's perspective to visualize what is going on, and if the words can't tell what the characters are doing/thinking/saying, it's going to leave a lot of ambiguity for the readers, making them somewhat lost on what's going on.
Short, but sweet.
I like the idea, it's really sweet but you should write more about atmosphere, emotions and events that happen, just to entertain the reader more
Looks like the sleepover is a success
Sunset is a decade older than Twilight.
Awww, I'm glad Luna will be there for Sunset, unlike her parents
Where the heck is Spike? didn't Twilight hatch him? what's happened to him after that?
9624213
He only shows up later.
Yay, its back!
are u going to make a sequel?
OOO!!!!
9688321
Yes
9688330
cool
Damn this cliffhanger!
I am on this site recently and your story is the first thing I read here. She is incredibly cool, I could not tear myself away from her. I always dreamed of writing as cool, but unfortunately, it is not mine, and even at school https://ca.edubirdie.com/research-paper-editing-services became my best friend. Since no one writes any research paper better than them, they can also check your work and edit, as for me this is a wonderful editing services. So I am incredibly glad that your work was the first one I read here, I hope soon there will be a continuation.
Can Luna teach Sunset at night
Ack! Cuteness Overload! *KABOOM!*
Hey! Twilight reads like me!
And that is how you know it's a dream. The child asks no questions.
using the Google's translate, the author must
sorry but imo this is some p terrible writing
alot of mistakes, misspellings, the charecters being out-of-charecter
not to mention that you cant just well- do what celestia and luna did
why not friends, family, allies, guests, etc?
and you used the word admiration ALOT, try using other phrases like :
"sunset marvelled at the beauty of the sky as the sun rose high above the sky, and lunas shining moon took its place back below the horizon. twilight in turn stared at sol invictus, the solar goddess, princess celestia with joy in her eyes. the sun, the symbol of light, shined behind her back; turning the sillhoute of celestia look like it was flowing with her billowing multicolored mane"
instead of
"sunset/twilight looked at ___ with admiration as they/it rose"?
yikes.