Cry For Love
Princess Cadance awoke to the sound of shrill, prolonged crying, and she wondered why she even bothered having an alarm clock. She rolled over to find Shining Armor sleeping peacefully beside her like a child—smiling, snoring, and drooling all over her mane—and she wondered why she even bothered having a husband.
She tried to do what he did. She splayed her limbs out in various directions, shut her eyes with as little effort as possible, and threw her tongue out of her mouth, but no matter how good her re-enactment, she could not fall back asleep.
There was simply no good position for the pillow.
Soon she was in the dining hall, sitting at the long, empty table. She was upright, but clearly dazed and haggard. The Princess of Love never looked so ready to murder somepony.
The coffee mug in front of her had too much milk and not enough coffee. The hard bench was all bum support and no lumbar support. Horizontal beams of orange light shone into the room, reflecting off of every surface made of crystal, which was all of them. Cadance looked as though she were alone at a disco that had become frozen in time.
The crying had not stopped. It continued to rise and fall in both volume and pitch. Cadance knew that it would not go away until she addressed it, yet she couldn't bring herself to move. Luckily, the crying addressed her first.
"Princess Cadance!" Rarity cried from across the dining hall, makeup spilling down her face. "I need your help!"
"Good morning, Rarity," droned Cadance.
Rarity, gasping for air, slid across the bench on the opposite side of the table, coming to rest directly in front of Cadance's thousand-yard stare.
"Dreadfully sorry to bother you so early, Darling, but I have an urgent love problem, and I assumed the baby would be keeping you up anyways. Say, how is Flurry Heart?"
"Soundly sleeping…"
"Oh, precious. Anyways, you're not going to believe what Fashion Plate's done to me now."
"Mm-hmm."
"I saw him fraternizing with this other mare, you see. Practically canoodling, dare I say. And when I confront him about it, he has the gall to claim she's his sister! Pfah! Just who does he think…"
Some time ago, Cadance had picked up on the fact that the middle section of Rarity's speeches could be ignored without consequence. But she always spent that moment of peace marvelling at how often it worked instead of thinking about anything productive.
"…So Mayor Mare says I can't see their birth certificates because of privacy laws, whatever those are, and then she goes and tries to convince me that they really are siblings! Can you believe it? Fashion Plate got to her first! Oh, I am woe incarnate!"
Cadance moved the milk jug so Rarity could slam her face into the table.
"I'm drowning in a river of LIES!" Rarity sobbed. "I'm floundering in falsifications and being pulled under by my own frailty!"
She slammed her hoof on the table, leaving it with a thin crack. She took a brief sobbing break before pulling up and continuing, her hooves on Cadance's shoulders.
"But you are my delta, Princess Cadance. The island of sanity that splits the river of lies into ribbons and shows me the truth!"
Cadance nodded. "You see, Rarity," she slurred, "Relationships… are built on trust."
Rarity pulled back. "But you told me that last week."
"…Did I…"
"And I've tried that already, but he says he already trusts me! Well, he mentioned he'd like to know where I keep disappearing to when I come up here, but that's not his business." Rarity leapt onto the table. "Say, I've got an idea. Can you cast a love spell on him? Granted, he already loves me, naturally, but a little extra nudge couldn't hurt."
Cadance's mouth fell open. Only air came out.
"Besides! It would make us both very happy, so I think we're in a bit of a grey area here, morally."
"Black…"
"Pardon?"
Cadance blinked. "Hmm? Oh, just… reminding myself how I like my coffee."
Rarity glanced at the jug of milk perspiring on the table. "I see… You must really be tired. Perhaps you should take a vacation to Ponyville? Let Shining take care of the baby? It'll make you more accessible!"
Like lights at the end of a tunnel, Cadance's eyes twinkled. "Rarity," she said, "did you know… that relationships will become a lot like friendships over time?"
"You mean… gradually?"
"Nnnnnnope… After a certain number of weeks, it switches. Like a… switch."
Rarity sat back down and scooted forward. "How many weeks?"
"…How long have you been seeing this guy?"
"168 days."
Princess Cadance was no mathematician, but for a moment, she became Marechimedes. "24 weeks," she answered, nodding in agreement with herself.
Rarity took a moment to channel her inner Fiboneighcci. "Goodness me, I'm already there! So what should I do?"
"Well… maybe you don't have a love problem… so much as a friendship problem."
"…And?"
Cadance wondered if there was a whiteboard somewhere in the castle. Or maybe just a map and a laser pointer.
"Hold that thought!" Rarity blurted. "I've just had an epiphany. What if I get Twilight to help me?"
"…Yes…"
"And with you coming to Ponyville, I'll have both of you!"
"…No…"
"Why, if the two of you put your minds together I'm certain you'll set that boy straight! It's settled. I'll go get the train tickets!"
Rarity bolted from her seat. Cadance melted into hers. She wondered if she could force herself into a coma using only sheer willpower when Rarity shrieked from across the room.
"Fashion!" Rarity cried. And for a moment, Cadance assumed that was just Rarity's version of the F-word. But then she heard another voice.
"Babe!" said a stallion. His voice was vaguely masculine.
Cadance glanced at him, or at least at the blurry image of him. Her eyes appeared to be shutting down. She couldn't wait.
"I've had enough," the fuzzy Fashion Plate continued, "of your running around, and your secret-keeping, and your weird stalk-y behaviour!"
Rarity stammered. She guffawed. She looked to Cadance for backup, but the princess was too busy wondering why her castle was so easy to infiltrate.
"But… Whatever do you mean?"
"Oh, my, See-less-tia," Fashion Plate said. "We are through."
Cadance inhaled slowly, coming up for air.
The splotches of colour were leaving now, to the sound of clacking hooves. Rarity called down the hall, "But that's not fair! How did you find out where I waaaaas?!"
That was an interesting question. Cadance wanted nothing more than to never hear the answer. She crept up to the doorway, peered around the corner, teetered, and smiled in relief.
"Can I go now?" she squeaked.
Darkness.
Darkness everywhere.
If there was a void somewhere in Equestria—a perfect vacuum with no light, no sound, and no hard surfaces—it had nothing on Cadance's bed. Cadance lay somewhere between a layer of satin, another of fur, a thick comforter, and a soft, springy base supporting everything. And with Shining Armor mysteriously vanished, there was nothing keeping Cadance from drifting off except the remnants of a little caffeine. But in just a few more seconds, it would all be over.
There came a noise from some imaginary realm outside the darkness. A door opening, followed by a long, exaggerated sigh. It sounded like a husband of some kind.
There came a voice. "Hey, Honey," it said. "Weird morning."
"That's nice," Cadance said, although she might not have said anything at all. It didn't matter. Not long now.
"Spike came by."
Cadance's heart-rate rallied. She made several horrifying connections.
"He said he needed some girl advice."
"No…"
"Yeah! Apparently he's crushing on somepony, but he wouldn't tell me who."
"Stop."
"Crazy, right? Anyway, he said he told the guy she was dating some secret about her to get them to break up." Shining Armor let out a loud sigh, and Cadance's darkness shook violently.
"So…?" Cadance asked.
"Well… the poor guy feels real guilty about it."
Cadance rose like an eruption—out of the darkness and into the light. She frowned so hard that part of her satin sheet got stuck inside a crease in her face and hung there. Shining's expression was that of terror, which was perfect for what she was about to say.
"Tell him to grow a pair."
Shining Armor frowned at her. "But he already did," he said.
Cadance blinked. Shining Armor blinked.
"What?" Cadance asked.
"You've seen his new wings, haven't you?"
Cadance groaned and shoved the rest of her face into the sheets.
"Aaaaaanyways. It sounded like a love problem, so I told him you'd talk to him. He's downstairs when you're ready."
With that, he was finished talking. He invaded the realm of darkness and kissed Cadance on the back of the head. She wanted so badly to smother him, but after giving it some thought, she decided against it. She knew she wouldn't be able to do it.
There was simply no good position for the pillow.
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Great story! I liked it! Good job.
Excellent bit about the wings c:
Hmmm...
Anyone who’s ever had a newborn will get the feels for poor Cadance!
Well-written. Thanks!
Clearly, being the Princess of Love has its downfalls after all.
This was pretty cute! I dig the pillow callback at the end.
Very funny.
As I have already mentioned, this is great and so are you.
I am confused and strangely likening this short fic.
cute story.
grow a pair?
I'm a barren wasteland
not this again
derp
who me?
I got a laugh, you get a thumbs up!
You've a deft hand at this. :D
This is how alicorns become Nightmares.
Excellent fic!
Relatable
"Later, much later, when she finally got some sleep, Cadence had a simply beautiful dream of picking up Flurry Heart and using her as a machine gun to mow down a great many Ponies - and a Dragon."
OK, this was just freakin’ hysterical!
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Rarity tugged at her veil and glanced down the aisle, where Twilight stood ready to officiate and Spike looked to be on the cusp of hyperventilating. "And you're sure this is the right match for me, Cadance? Your love magic truly thinks that Spike and I—"
Cadance put a hoof to Rarity's mouth, grinning broadly. "Oh trust me, if the past six months have taught me anything, it's that you and Spike deserve each other."
I will honestly admit, I expected it to be Shining Armor
9487145
Rarity is dating a pony called Fashion Plate. Unfortunately, this is Rarity we are talking about, and, as we've seen from the show, she's horrible at relationships and very good at being overly-dramatic. So she comes to Cadance obsessing about every little thing, causing Cadance to lose sleep, even moreso than she did when FlurryHeart was a foal. Spike, meanwhile, lies to Fashion Plate and says that Rarity has been visiting the Crystal Empire so frequently because she's seeing another stallion. He does this in the hopes that they'll break up and Rarity will date him instead. But now he feels bad about lying and wants to talk to Cadance for advice...and Cadance just can't catch a break and go to sleep.
Yeah I can see this being the scenario that would drive Cadence to go into her Nightmare mode. What would that even be called? Love’s End? Friend Zone?
Well, pillow positioning is an important part in a relationship
Occupational burnout is a very real psychological crisis. Even for Princesses.
Nicely done. This made my preparations for morning commute slightly less dreadful
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👌
see this is what happens when you advertise yourself as the alicorn of love! Celesitia is the cakicorn of cake, nobody comes to her with a cake problem, and when they do she solves it by eating the cake
luna is the princess of sleeping, she solves sleep problems by punching them in the face and then going back to sleep
9488613
Datebreaker!
It has been proven through scientific studies. Women DO TOO hear babies crying when men can't & are less able to ignore it & sleep through it. I expect that some morning Cadence will pick up Shining Armor with her magic and drown him in the toilet bowl.
"Oh, darling, since you're up could you deal with the baby?"
If she accidently kills him,
No Big Deal. If there is even 1 mother with kids & a husband on the jury, she'll never be convicted
9489541
+1.
Oh yeah, this. I love this.
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Don't be. There are many great stories that have the "unconventional" writing style of not revealing everything surrounding the circumstances of the setting right from the start, but sometimes they can be just abit confusing if you're not in the right mindset to figure them out. Trust me, we've all been abit dumbfounded at one story or another that everyone else seems to get so easily. 😉
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Obviously, someone didn't like that pun, if the one downvote is some indication.
WE MUST FIND THEM AND EXTERMINATE THEM!
And it was then, that a large pink, three-sided polygon appeared around Cadence’s cuties mark, as she ascended to become the princess of love triangles.
Poor Rarity in this, haha!
I love her usually, and while she's overkill here, it's hilarious.
Also a fun portrayal of best princess, who I feel bad for it is wasn't so much fun to read! Even just her one-word responses to everything were great.
Very cute, very fun!
I liked this. The comedy is simplistic and never calls for too much attention, making it easily digestible for the reader. I also really like the way you use imagery to convey a scene.
This was nice and very elegantly put. Have a fav and an updoot. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to binge more of your stuff.
Howdy, hi~!
Oh my gosh, this was glorious. Cadance is amazing here and the character work on everyone present is absolutely amazing. I absolutely adore how you wrote Rarity and her ridiculous over-the-topness. The end moment with Shining was also a perfect bookend to this amazing short comedy. Absolutely brilliant. Thanks for the read~!