Kulpa
Joined 8th Nov, 2016 ·
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This is amazing, it really needs second chapter where real Thunderlane's personality gets releases but his body is under complete control of Soaren. You hinted at it and now I can't stop imagining how hot that would be.
Second Chapter please!
This was a fun really I really hope you will do the second chapter that you talked about, I wonder if this was somehow backfire on Soarin with Thunderlane subject him to the same treatment in turn or something else. Looking forward to more of your work. Good luck. I wonder what the other other Wonderbolts will think of Thunder's change in attitude all of the sudden.
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Was the hint that obvious? :3 That is the current plan for the next chapter, had a change of heart at the last moment and decided it would be better in a separate chapter.
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Eventually/Soontm
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Don't go giving me ideas for a possible 3rd chapter. :3
This strikes me as something that could easily shift over towards feminization/sissification, which earns a thumbs up and a favorite.
Will have to read it tomorrow though as I'm still half asleep.
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Damn, that would be pretty amazing. Looking forward to the next.
i.redd.it/otl9kmd3a7u11.jpg
9373134
Stealing that! 😂😂😂
Very nice. Thanks for making this!
This story is great and super hot. Hits all of my fetishes in the right way I really want to see another chapter!
The issue I do have, though, is everything happened too fast. You could've stretched out this chapter by describing the experiences Thunderlane went through. What was he listening to, what subliminal messages did he see? What did he feel like waking up? I liked the drugging part, and you could've gone and added in a scene about Thunderslut being picked up and having the ponies doing the job discuss options and payment. Something like that would really help add depth to the story, rather than just breaks to skip to the next part.
**orders the treatment for myself** MOAR!!!!!!
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Thanks! I’m glad it’s hitting ‘the right buttons’ for people. I’m also glad that someone else feels the pacing is ‘off’. I felt that way too, but was basically like “I don’t know what to do!” ><
Appreciate the feedback immensely!
Love your works by the way. ^_^
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For me the pacing was off as well. We have three scenes.
The build up
The treatment
The aftermath.
Since we started the build up with all the detail and background, at a slow pace, that should have been reflected throughout. But I felt like we breezed through thunderlane's treatment. Causing the majority of the pacing error here. Then the aftermath, was faster than the build up. To be honest. I think the aftermath would have been better, if Soarin started with the original thunderlane's personality and toyed with him. Telling Thunderlane to pick up some stuff, and when he did, he would feel horny and needy. And have soarin toy with the stallion until he decides to try out the slut mode.
Sorry if this was unwelcome criticism. I do think this story has a good premise. Based on the feed back you got from all of us, do you think you'll be doing a second chapter?
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Any criticism is always welcome! I appreciate the time you took to provide me with it. ^_^ All very valid points.
I said that a second chapter was coming regardless of positive or negative reception ^_^ I want to work on a couple other ideas prior to starting the next chapter, but the ideas for the next chapter are still freshly hopping around in my noggin, so a quick turn around on chapter 2 isn’t out of the realm of possibilities.
Can’t wait for the next chapter
definitely another chapter
Ironically, I don't read much smut these days. Saw this story and, given how relevant to my interests it is, decided to give it a shot. I do not regret my decision in any way.
I think your formatting and similar could use a bit of work. Some of your dashes and other such punctuation feels a bit rough. As well as that, your pacing is a touch inconsistent. I wish you had slipped in another scene with the doctor explaining exactly how the voice commands work, besides just saying that they only worked for Soarin. I also wish you would've skipped explaining how the surgery went down in favor of skipping to when it was done and giving us a nice, long reveal of Thunderslut.
This is a good story. You made some choices that I very much agree with (making Thunderslut more fem, not letting Thunderslut cum for 3 months) as well as some choices I never would've thought of on my own (making Thunderslut bark when he's about to cum). This is a long-winded way of me saying that I really enjoyed this, and I expect more good work from you.
And, of course, you've earned this:
camo.derpicdn.net/f234d99c366f6cbb35d9e5ee19abebf342f8100a?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.discordapp.net%2Fattachments%2F388908666755219456%2F417819078732939274%2FLewdChapterSealOfApproval.png%3Fwidth%3D475%26height%3D474
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Wow, comments and critique from another writer I love! I think I can die happy now. 'Pacing' seems to be a common complaint >< Hopefully I'll figure out a way to address that weakness in the second chapter. I'm also glad that there are a good group of degenerates who share my mutual kinks. ^_^
I usually don't comment on NSFW stuff but holy shit this is something beyond my wildest imagination. This is good I ain't gonna lie.
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Glad you liked it! ^_^
When is the next chapter coming out?
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Idea: Rumble tries to save his brother but is betrayed by Femboi!Button to Soarin.
Rumble: Button!Why?!?
Button: Why !?! You broke my heart when you fucking dumped me for Sweetie Belle! Now with Mr. Soarin’s help you’re going to become a Stallion who would never going to even dream about fucking anyone else...
I figure if they can sissify stallions that they have it go the other way...
Great I was really hoping to see another chapter of this great story, loved to see how Thunderlane POV on things, I hope we will see another time skip and see how the conditioning will make his confused if he actually like it or not and I hope Soarin will keep him in his real persona. I would love to see an alternate chapter where the tables are flipped between the to or maybe involve Rumble in the play later as well. Keep it up.
9457643
This one is probably finished, If another chapter does appear it probably won't be for a long time.
9457014
No Idea who Rumble is. 😂 I'm guessing it's a character from one of the episodes I haven't seen.
While I enjoyed this, I preferred the first chapter by a large margin. I find this one to be a bit more rushed and half-baked, and like you wrote a second chapter because you could rather than because you should.
Repetition is perfectly fine, with a bit of variation. At the end of the day, all sex is the same tab going on the same slots. The differences come in tone, positioning, things like that. Don't be afraid to write a scene just because you did something similar in the past, especially where clop is concerned.
By your own admission, it seems like you didn't really feel like doing this second chapter, which is indicative of my earlier point that it may not have been necessary for you to do it. My general rule of thumb is to not write something unless you're super excited to do it (or you get paid a large sack of money, but I digress). I feel like this second chapter sort of bogs the entire story down, and if you were concerned of repetition or didn't put your all into it, as you said you didn't, you may have been better off leaving the story at one chapter.
That said, I still liked this, and it made me think about other, similar scenarios I could play around with. Overall, a solid story that could've used some work.
Good job, keep on improving.
the first chapter was fine, but the second one, is kind of messed up, mostly after sorin undoes the speech block
Spin off? Maybe lesbian mares next time?
thank you, i am sad now
...
I wish it was longer...
Let's all take a moment for Thunderlane for he is now in an eternal prison from which he can never come back out again. Anypony who would like to say something for Thunderlane, stand up please...
9598639
He indeed stuck like that
For myself, I loved the second one way more! I'm just into that evil devious kinks, and torments. Wouldn't even mind if you were repeating events, it's all been amazing, and would love for more just like chapter 2. 😍
heh,could we get a third what if chapter where soarin defaulted on his payments, and got 'repossessed',only to have him and his former slut sold to another much better stallion of a master?~,would be decent karma
9457699
Rumble is Thunderlane's little brother.
Who for some reason looks more like Soarin than Thunderlane.
... Well, that was... something
Usually I read porn largely for the laughs and to take the piss out of, but this one was a bit... darker then I expected.
Given though how I understand dom/sub relationships work, Soarin better watch out. Dom's take the well being of any sub very seriously. Like take a crowbar to your knee caps level of serious
And here's where Mr Crowbar and his assossiciat BT Mcpliars Esq come into play. I've seen a lot of stories here (nearly all of which I avoid like the plague while said plague is espousing the virtues of communal pedophile organ harvesting, fuck you Fall of Equestria) that deal with individuals and societies who are dedicated to defilement and "training" ponies or whatever. I'm surprised they seem to forget n given how magically powerful ponies they never figured their might be a counter group dedicated to nothing less then their eradication. I say eradication rather thec arrest because, lets face, given how aggressively friendly and dedicated to interpersonal relationships ponies are, this sort of thing is more then likely not held in the highest regard, and is met with appropiate force.
Namely
9591016
Its weird, but like I said, there's an odd dedication to this sort of thing in this fandom, one that is largely written by those who don't actually understand how dom/sub relationships work (no offense to you Kulpa, and yes, I am aware: fiction).
I'm not into this sort of thing, but I know folks, men and women, who are, and the rules clear: consent is paramount, you don't hurt your sub. Soarin is cruisin for a bruisin and his sub rights revoked along with his to limpless gait and the prefered and standard allotment of testicular presence
I think you need to add the dark tag after this chapter.
I quite enjoyed this story.
What I'm wondering is how is the legal situation in Equestria that such a service could be openly advertised?
Maybe by some reforms made by Cadance?
I know this story's focus isn't about this but I still would enjoy an explanation that is somewhat feasible.
I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, DON'T DENY IT!
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I’ve been waiting years for someone to get that reference
Like if you are still waiting for a sequel!