- Member Since 2nd Jan, 2013
- offline last seen April 30th
Alaeru
Just your friendly ex-Enclave mechanic.
Alaeru
Joined 2nd Jan, 2013 ·
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Maniacal laugh! I stole the first post!
In other news have I added your story to the FoE groups, so it should be seen by some more people now
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Ah thank you very much, greatly appreciate that!
I like the cover by the way. It's nice and pleasant to look at.
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i.imgur.com/kQ2bN8O.png
9195680
*sitting on the wall of text* Well... yup.
Well that was a fun little start to a story! The characters presented so far look like they'll have a fun chemistry going forward, they all have intriguing quirks that makes them a joy to watch play out. Third person omniscient is an interesting choice of narrative style, one that is quite interesting to see play out! Though there is a few hiccups in reading flow due to the nonstandard nature of the perspective I'm positive you'll get your stride with time!
Can't wait to read more of these silly mares, keep up the good work! ^^
I have to say, as someone who is NOT a fan of the FOE and a casual fan at best for the two source materials that combine to make it, I have to say that this story has done an excellent job of juxtaposing and blendjng the tones of both settings. And while I thought that this chapter may have been a bit bloated and a couple pacing issues, this chapter did an excellent job establishing character and building a stronger foundations of who these people are. Overall, this story is going really well and I'm at least interested to see what happens next.
I really like your choice of opening. It leads with an intense scene that gets you interested in what's going on and what will happen next, then leads quickly into other goings on around it.
Your creation of each scene feel pretty good, like there's a whole event actually happening that would make sense in a movie.
The characters feel suitably different from one another, like each is a person.
However, your punctuation needs a lot of work. Lots of missing commas and periods that make the dialogue and description feel like it's being rushed out, like no one is taking a breath and things are happening too fast.
There are also a fair amount of unecessary words and phrases that you don't need. Here's an example:
“Drink. It’ll heal you.” She ordered as calmly as she could given the situation.
Here's how the sentence should look:
“Drink. It’ll heal you,” She ordered as calmly as she could.
Removing those kinds of words and phrases will make your writing more clear because of less clutter, while also making the act of reading it more fun.
The other, as is nearly everyone's problem, is show vs tell. It's a hard thing to get used to, but if you can figure it out, your writing will become very good. Here's an example:
“Jolts I know you’re flying this thing- I can’t remember five minutes ago but I know for a fact we’re in your dumb Vertihawk, I can see the stencil of your personalized name for it painted onto the cabin door.” Skyfire commented sharply, rubbing her throbbing head as she listened to the rising whine of the Vertihawk’s engines as it warmed up.
Here's how the example should look:
“Jolts, I know you’re flying this thing- I can’t remember five minutes ago but I know for a fact we’re in your dumb Vertihawk; I can see the stencil of your name for it painted on the cabin door!” Skyfire rubbed her throbbing head, the rising whine of the Vertihawk’s engines hammering into her skull.
Good luck with your writing and your story.
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This feels a bit like it was geared more towards chapter one than chapter two, however thank you very much for your feedback! We'll keep your advice in mind as we continue to write and hopefully improve! We're also very glad you've enjoyed what you've read thus far, and hope you'll continue to do so. Thanks again!
Good to see Sky back on her hoofsies and getting to meet the quirky ponies of the stable.
I like the narration style, it feels a bit detached from the POV character for a more neutral narrator of actions. Poor Tiredpega, I feel bad for giggling at the mental image of her squealing at the first radroach!
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Definitely nice to see the mare on her hooves again! Even if flying is a bit of a no for now. Thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed the chapter! (And don't worry, I laughed writing that too)
I liked that we got to know more about Skyfire here. She displays a lot of personality just in her body language alone. Speaking of which, the way you write interactions really does a great job of bridging the styles of the two fictions together. It's lighthearted and silly and serious when it needs to be, and neither feel completely out of place. Also, Hammers has the voice of John Goodman.
An interesting view on these three ponies' very different perspectives on life and talents used to overcome their problems. I do hope SkyTired will get some more time to talk to Blaze, those two are nicely different!
Yeah, Bullet is believable, it's sad seeing people devolve from functioning persons to husks that only follow escapism and the desire to lash out at anything they associate with the thing that hurt them.
Oh dear, hope that won't come back to haunt them.
Also nice to see that ẞlaze cares for Hammers still, in her own way.
I look forward to future chapters!
[Beegee mode]
Hooray for Blaze saving her, Grease 'n Misty's shared pegapet! How irresponsible of Grease to not keep the pegapet leashed, that gun owning pegapet hater was gonna use the "it was charging right at me!" excuse! Just because some other pegapet bit him once, tsk tsk tsk....
I bet he leaves poisoned piles of pegakibble out in their yard too, the fiend![/Beegee mode]
Really strong start. Interesting characters, and a lot of fun interactions between them. I'm looking forward for what comes next.
So... How soon until the dragon in the cover art appear? ...That is a dragon, right?
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Soon.TM
Trust me, he’s worth the wait and will make quite the entrance.
10968025
Could you please tell me when that happens?
It liiiiives awesome chapter
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Thank you so much for reading! Glad you enjoyed it!
yes! yes! love it! love! it!
11542255
Glad you did!! Thanks for reading!
Great chapter
10968025
So he’s appeared now, right? Because just so you know I don’t want to start reading this story until the chapter after the chapter he’s introduced in is published.
11801437
Comet was introduced at the end of the last chapter. It wasn't a short scene either. This is the first chapter that he is in from start to finish.