The heir of Stable 36 finds herself at an impasse when a heavenward explosion results in her saving the life of an Enclave mechanic, only to find out that this singular act of mercy will change not only her life, but the course of Stable 36 history.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I have to say, as someone who is NOT a fan of the FOE and a casual fan at best for the two source materials that combine to make it, I have to say that this story has done an excellent job of juxtaposing and blendjng the tones of both settings. And while I thought that this chapter may have been a bit bloated and a couple pacing issues, this chapter did an excellent job establishing character and building a stronger foundations of who these people are. Overall, this story is going really well and I'm at least interested to see what happens next.
I really like your choice of opening. It leads with an intense scene that gets you interested in what's going on and what will happen next, then leads quickly into other goings on around it.
Your creation of each scene feel pretty good, like there's a whole event actually happening that would make sense in a movie.
The characters feel suitably different from one another, like each is a person.
However, your punctuation needs a lot of work. Lots of missing commas and periods that make the dialogue and description feel like it's being rushed out, like no one is taking a breath and things are happening too fast.
There are also a fair amount of unecessary words and phrases that you don't need. Here's an example:
“Drink. It’ll heal you.” She ordered as calmly as she could given the situation.
Here's how the sentence should look:
“Drink. It’ll heal you,” She ordered as calmly as she could.
Removing those kinds of words and phrases will make your writing more clear because of less clutter, while also making the act of reading it more fun.
The other, as is nearly everyone's problem, is show vs tell. It's a hard thing to get used to, but if you can figure it out, your writing will become very good. Here's an example:
“Jolts I know you’re flying this thing- I can’t remember five minutes ago but I know for a fact we’re in your dumb Vertihawk, I can see the stencil of your personalized name for it painted onto the cabin door.” Skyfire commented sharply, rubbing her throbbing head as she listened to the rising whine of the Vertihawk’s engines as it warmed up.
Here's how the example should look:
“Jolts, I know you’re flying this thing- I can’t remember five minutes ago but I know for a fact we’re in your dumb Vertihawk; I can see the stencil of your name for it painted on the cabin door!” Skyfire rubbed her throbbing head, the rising whine of the Vertihawk’s engines hammering into her skull.
Good luck with your writing and your story.
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This feels a bit like it was geared more towards chapter one than chapter two, however thank you very much for your feedback! We'll keep your advice in mind as we continue to write and hopefully improve! We're also very glad you've enjoyed what you've read thus far, and hope you'll continue to do so. Thanks again!