My Little Pony is now online, a fully instillation of the TV series as a MMORPG, designed for players to fully integrate themselves into the story, and their choices dictate the world's evolution, from characters, to new locations never seen before, and antagonist who are as real as their TV counterparts.
But when two brothers make a simple bet over the events of the game, along with a tiny bonus to their beginning, things will begin to break down at the seams, but is it really because of them, or has something else been playing God, because now no-one can log out of the game?
Note: Arc 1 is the set-up to the main story (Characters, mechanics). Also, 'Sex' tag for suggested themes. Also, do not read in Black Backgrounds due to some text types being darker
Art is not mine, obviously.
A/N: MLP: AO Remastered Here: The Rewritten Story
Inspired by SAO, Log Horizon, and No Game No Life
S'pose I should probably start the grind then.
Seems rather interesting. You don't see a story like this show up very often.
One tip for the future though: Try not to use too many inline videos. It distracts the reader from the actual story.
9106096
Yeah....that may be too late.....to be fair, its mainly there for purposes of in-game music, hence why the characters take notice of it. Sorry if it bothers you slightly in the future, I just thought it be a nice addition to the digital world.
9106100
Alrighty. Next time, if you want to include music, try to make it a bit more subtle, like an inline link instead of a video embed. For example, like this. That way, it keeps the reader focused on the story, but if they want to listen to the music you provide, then they can just click on the link instead of having to break their attention with an inline video. Sure, it'll open a new tab, but it'll also offload the video to Youtube's site, causing less lag on Fimfiction and an overall better user experience.
9106107
Well then, I have some modifications to do, hope you do enjoy the rest of this story!
9106116
Yup.
I've actually got a story with a similar idea to yours as far as MLP being a multiplayer simulation, too.
Pony-Me™
9106118
I might just read this when I have the time, looks interesting.
We will see if this stands out from the other stories following this theme... good luck.
9106128
Yup. ^_^
9106130
I hope it does too!
hey, would character submissions possibly be a thing in the future or no?
9122090
Sure! A new batch of characters are shown in each arc, so the next line-up could be for some in the Empire for the future.
ego.....dashie?
9133690
You be correct about that.
Well the writing is getting better and you don't seem to be going the SAO in your story premise and allow more time to develop your characters. Your writing still needs work in trying to make the characters interesting, at the moment it feels like it's too focused on trying to make him look good to a girl/filly/AI to what most players already knows but she is still pretty new at this type of a game. I hope you will try to add more mystery to the story and present more OC. Pinkie feels a bit cardboard in her personalty, which seeing that she is supposed to be a NPC makes sense, but the idea that she is a alchemist isn't bad actually. Good luck on your next chapter.
9136586
Thanks for the comment. To be fair, White does have a good reason for being extremely good at this, that will be explained later but I hope the end of the first arc really twists the premise for you! And yeah, my writing can slip every now-and-then, sorry
ooh flutters is next?
9147251
Sadly, no, but hey, the future can hold such interactions for them, I promise you that.
9147283
This is amazing!
9149633
Glad you like it
and thus the shitshow begins...
9165015
Aye....
(hasn't read it yet)
So I'm assuming they hopped on a private server? You KNOW that if this a were a legit thing there would be some people who would make an account specifically to ruin other people's fun by killing off the main cast (assuming they could be killed).
9174328
Its a public server, so this would typically screw alot of people over, but the difference is, White's goal is prevent his brother from doing such things in the first place. But yeah, the main cast can die, thing is their perimeters are higher than most, but that doesn't make them unkillable, just rather tedious, but most A.I of their type stay in Green Zones, so the likelihood of that happening is slim.
Still, I was wondering how long it would take for someone to point that out, I commend you good sir
Well this is getting interesting as a story, really happy you didn't go int the whole SAO trope and take different path with your story premise by still being able to log off and adding to the increasing mystery of the game I find the idea of the feedback pain sensation interesting and adds an interest dynamic to the story, I also wonder if he can also feel sick and if it is transferable to the real world? I also wonder if he will start dreaming of playing the game and discover the next morning that his character had gain XP without him noticing?
I think that at this point you have reached a sufficient level of skill in your writing to start expand your horizon of your story and it's scope by adding more OC characters for you to interact with, that aren't cannon characters. Showing more of his real life and how it compares to the the game, maybe not in huge portions but just tidbits here and there. One thing that I noticed hanging on social media is that people are also living their own
lives in the real world and that we don't get to see those in the real unless they volunteer the information themselves and that their behaviors in RL would also bleed into the game, showing their unusual interaction from good to bad things happening to the other players lives or that the game is a way for them to vent tier frustration out.
The girl still feels a little like a damsel in distress at time seeing how she keeps clinging to him, I wonder if it's all pore characterization in the writing, or could all be part of an act with him. Maybe she is using him as support until she can join an other guild or expects favors from him by stinging him along or could actually be a sentient NPC that just randomly got curious of him. Maybe she is just that clinging and don't know how to stand on her own in real life? Or could it be that the game is a form of escapism for her from reality terrible events happing to her and she is desperate to avoid it as much as possible.
I really do like the protagonist as a rather bland boring nerdy guy, always like those, and I can wait see how he will react when shit hits the fan, and how out of his depth he is in the situation. While he does sound really generic with stating general facts about MMORPG or other common tricks games would roll their eyes at hearing that, just hammer homes how bland he is in his attempts in impressing the clueless newbie gamer girl and we could see how he starts to mature over time and become more self-aware.
Despite the massive improvement in your writing I still felt that RD and PP felt light cardboard cutouts in the way you handle them, but then again they might be are meant to be that way as NPC's to sound hollow. They would clearly need to be shown as part of the fixture of the game and that they just follow the same routine they do with everyone as part of their programing . Would be nice to show that everyone, or at least most, in the games have encountered them and they ask them to do the exact same thing, or maybe something different, from his experience. Wonder if the other gamers have encountered the other members of the Mane Six that he didn't meet yet. Or they could come back to him which they normally never do for the others.
Long before SAO there was a show and game that Dot Hack which explored the MMORPG's long before WOW and explored a lot of the concept of those on-line games that most people didn't really know how it work, especially the social aspect of it which the dynamics are incredible in all the different interactions.
As for your writing in the story, it is a good to see you have improved a lot in your writing, but there are still some issues that bothers me as you you then to repeat 'as' a at and you then to use ever similar sentence structures form one to the next which makes the reading somewhat repetitive at times, you might want to try mixing it up to keep things interesting by changing the structure from one to the next. don't get me wrong, repeating can be an interesting if used for a specific stylistic purposes. As for the 'as' part try alternate with alternate words so that it feels less repetitive.
If you are ever interested in getting your own cover art I am open for commissions if you are ever interested, you can go see my DA gallery in the link bellow. PM me if you want to discus it further.
https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku
9174662
Jesus, I will admit, you hit some nails on point, since some aspects are broken into in future chapters, as for my constant use of 'as', 'you', 'a' and such, its a habit that I'm trying to break, but other than that, thanks for this small review on my story, it helps me understand what I'm doing is hitting the expectations of some, even if only a little. Do hope you like what I have planned for the future. Thanks again!
I'm loving this so far, I do hope I wrote Pinkie right, since I made her a little more knowledgeable than people would assume, and the A.I is near human.
then people are stupid. a common misconception is that certain members of the Mane 6 (who varies from person to person) are stupid. this is far from the truth. even without her Pinkie Sense, Pinkie's intelligence rivals if not matches Twilight herself. think about it, she remembers everypony she has ever met, their birthdays, their anniversaries, and the date of every important event that has occurred to them in Ponyville. Pinkie is extremely knowledgeable.
Hum, better writing the action is getting better, the sentence structure alternate helps keep the reading interesting, you seem to have taken my comment about over using 'as' to heart.
It was nice to see a few more OC's in the story to make the world sound more alive even if it is still modest for the moment, I hope you will explore that more.
The mare seem to have a little more personalty to her with the bitter potion part.
For finally going with the SAO style story it was sort of expected, and follow the theme but I was expecting to have more of a twist to it to stand more on it's own. I am guessing that the all the other players were informed by other means with other avatars. There sounds to be more then just tempering with their head gear with some random guy as scripted villain. I find it odd that he has a humanoid form while all the other players are quadrupeds, I wonder if there is a reason for that? I think the pain or other sensory input that they aren't even supposed to feel could feed some credence to that. Still, I hope you found a way around the public services keeping over a million players alive for a prolonged period of time along probably destroy the whole VR game world irrevocably afterwards. which were the most glaring flaws of SAO, unless they aren't actually in a VR world animore, maybe...
One of the aspects that I like in MMORPG's and social media is that not one single person has all the clues on their own or resources and people have to pool all the knowledge and material together to find a solution. Eve online is a perfect example of that where you need to subcontract other people yourself to gather the sources needed to build that huge ass spaceship you want, and leagues, guilds are coalitions are very important and are writing their own history in an open sandbox world for bashing each other with thousands of ships going into battles even galactic wars all create by the player politics and rivalry.
Your're getting better in your writing, keep up the good work.
9188491
I aim to please, seeya after my small break
9188456
I agree, but be warned, Pinkie's....'awareness' gets interesting.
Achievement Unlocked [Weathering The Storm]: Defeat The Storm King or Befriend Fizzlepop Berrytwist (aka Shadow Tempest)
i like the second better but it is just a suggestion.
the streams of light/mist/whatever they were was the boss absorbing the strength and knowledge of the enemies defeated by the party, weren't they?
9194751
The streams of colour are like SAO's 'shattering' effect when a player or Mob dies, so the different colors are based on what colours the Mob/player uses. But that's an interesting way to think of it, I like that.
9195250
The way you worded it and one of the things you said seemed to be leading up to that big "Buck You" to the players.
i may have been wrong about the glowy things but i wasn't too far off. i actually had a similar idea of everything getting harder with every new boss defeated. wouldn't do to make it impossible to advance just because you are too strong for old enemies to give you any experience.
9196028
Glad to see we're on the same wavelength
I wonder where is "Canternlot" is it somewhere near Canterlot? Well, it's nice to see you have your main character participating in a quest with another player that we haven't see before, like White Hat felt rather bland with no real discernible personalty to him other then. You managed to defined Seraph as being the shy girl, which her action mostly words and actions reflect that, you can do the same with the other character. While your character still sound stilted at the moment, I think it will get better with practice as you keep on writing in defining them.
One of the issue I had with the chapter is that despite a month had passed sense they were trapped in the game, we really don't have a sense of what happened sense then, with the general atmosphere for everyone, the activities of other groups, theories, rumors, casualty reports, what sort of network or groups or leadership has formed with in the game. While we do learn that a 100K people apparently died we don't know much more.
I would have liked to see what made Pinkie different of the other AI NPC beyond that she can join parties, it would help to make more of a distinction between her and the other NPC. I would have guess that she perpetually repeat the same task every time she is encounters and is clearly unaware.
9215773
Interesting points. Though Pinkie 'is' aware of her existence as an A.I, she is fully aware of the fact everyone she knows is not actually alive, hence why she's aiding White, since they rest are technically not real. As for information on the current events of other players in the game will be detailed next chapter. Last thing, White is meant to be 'bland' for the most part, due to reasons that will be shown in the future, for now he's more of a shell of what he could have been.
Anywho, thanks for the pointers.
Rain's best freind Nora is aproved by the order of ...... something I still need to think of a name
9230590
'That' my friend, is the question
Don’t you dare
thumbs.gfycat.com/InsistentBackHornedtoad-size_restricted.gif
Interesting
9233640
Hehehe....*evil chuckle*
therstral hah she thersty
9235031
Dammit, I've been found out!
*Yells* - Get the Forget-Me-Stick!
White is Badass
9263879
And so are you
Having watched SAO myself, I'm really enjoying this story so far!
But the way the ponies are acting, I'm not so sure they're simple AI anymore...