- Member Since 22nd Jun, 2018
- offline last seen January 28th
XxQuindieselxx
Go follow my book's Insta @official_foe_newshire for all the latest updates and art.
XxQuindieselxx
Joined 22nd Jun, 2018 ·
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So I take it the Timber-Beasts are related to the Briarhooves somehow?
9013745
Yes and no. The timber-beasts act like the timber wolves would from the evergreen forest. The Briarhooves would be you pseudo-children of atom. But with a more treeminders feel from fallout 3 feel.
Because I got the computer to read this to me as I was writing my own story, it got to the line and instantly started chanting, "underscore underscore underscore underscore underscore-!" Which I found highly hilarious.
Also, geez, first to comment on the intro? Well, good!
I enjoyed that opening! Really interesting premise, conjures up an image of FO:E meets Jurassic Park or Jumanji (the original, the sequel, whilst enjoyed, was not nearly as chaotic.)
Nitpicks; (You do not have to follow my advice, this is just one fellow writing offering a suggestion to another
)
- I feel like those two paragraphs could be chopped just a little more, it's a big download for more timid readers.
- "My parents..." could be a new paragraph
-The following sentences could be switched around...
after...
After this, the sentence about your mother could be the start of a new paragraph, as the story has moved on from external to personal.
-" anything more. Until she was taken from me as well." Could be a comma between more and until, rather than a full stop. The thought in those two sentences is all one thought, so can be joined by a comma.
-"The spell unleashed an unyielding jungle..." could be a new paragraph to make the prose dramatic and is a move from the initial megaspell event to its after-effect on the land.
Those are just some thoughts, hopefully my comments help, I'm really interested to see where this goes!
All good things,
Duskhoof
What I like about this chapter is the idea of things being simple in the Stable, that they can make their own fun from a game of tag and that games and movies grow old fast.
The inner monologues interest me.is he just daydreaming or thinking to himself? It'd be interesting if he is giving this information to someone or something telepathically, like the Goddess from the original FO:E or a different creature. The Game too, I wonder if it's just a game, or if it will play a part in the bigger picture.
As a nitpick, the 'love' relationship that I assume is Solani feels a little rushed, but this works if this isn't the relationship you want to focus on, or if this isn't the aspect of the relationship you want to put in the spotlight. The friendship with Isu and Xye is really interesting and so I'm curious what will happen with both.
All good things,
Duskhoof
Whoop! First comment!
This was a lot of fun to edit! I especially loved how you could see the characters, their strengths and flaws now coming into play. I also love how you see the world from the perspectives of all the characters, that’s an interesting device and will make many sequences fun in the future.
I wonder what we will meet in, “the Unknown” ... oooo spooky!
All good things,
Duskhoof
MORE PLEASE I BEG OF YOU!
Loved it. So looking forward to the next gripping installment.
You uploaded chapter 6 again?
Glad to see this return after all this time. Can hardly wait to see more along the way! Keep up the good work XxQuindieselxx!
I do an yearly round of spring cleaning to keep the FoE folders up to date... I had not expected to only find one story that I should pull out of the discontiniued folder, but it was nice to at least see one story get revived this year!
Iiit liiives awesome chapter