The remnants of Newshire must traverse a dangerous mutated jungle filled with all manner of new and never before seen creatures to reach the megaspell's impact zone, reverse its magic and return the island to its former glory.
Because I got the computer to read this to me as I was writing my own story, it got to the line and instantly started chanting, "underscore underscore underscore underscore underscore-!" Which I found highly hilarious.
Also, geez, first to comment on the intro? Well, good!
I enjoyed that opening! Really interesting premise, conjures up an image of FO:E meets Jurassic Park or Jumanji (the original, the sequel, whilst enjoyed, was not nearly as chaotic.)
Nitpicks; (You do not have to follow my advice, this is just one fellow writing offering a suggestion to another )
- I feel like those two paragraphs could be chopped just a little more, it's a big download for more timid readers.
- "My parents..." could be a new paragraph
-The following sentences could be switched around...
"The stable my mother..."
after...
"Stable 6-8, housed at most..."
After this, the sentence about your mother could be the start of a new paragraph, as the story has moved on from external to personal.
-" anything more. Until she was taken from me as well." Could be a comma between more and until, rather than a full stop. The thought in those two sentences is all one thought, so can be joined by a comma.
-"The spell unleashed an unyielding jungle..." could be a new paragraph to make the prose dramatic and is a move from the initial megaspell event to its after-effect on the land.
Those are just some thoughts, hopefully my comments help, I'm really interested to see where this goes! All good things, Duskhoof
Because I got the computer to read this to me as I was writing my own story, it got to the line and instantly started chanting, "underscore underscore underscore underscore underscore-!" Which I found highly hilarious.
Also, geez, first to comment on the intro? Well, good!
I enjoyed that opening! Really interesting premise, conjures up an image of FO:E meets Jurassic Park or Jumanji (the original, the sequel, whilst enjoyed, was not nearly as chaotic.)
Nitpicks; (You do not have to follow my advice, this is just one fellow writing offering a suggestion to another )
- I feel like those two paragraphs could be chopped just a little more, it's a big download for more timid readers.
- "My parents..." could be a new paragraph
-The following sentences could be switched around...
after...
After this, the sentence about your mother could be the start of a new paragraph, as the story has moved on from external to personal.
-" anything more. Until she was taken from me as well." Could be a comma between more and until, rather than a full stop. The thought in those two sentences is all one thought, so can be joined by a comma.
-"The spell unleashed an unyielding jungle..." could be a new paragraph to make the prose dramatic and is a move from the initial megaspell event to its after-effect on the land.
Those are just some thoughts, hopefully my comments help, I'm really interested to see where this goes!
All good things,
Duskhoof