GrayOnBlue
Joined 22nd Sep, 2016 ·
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- GrayOnBlue · 1.1k words · 11 175 · 1.2k views
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Oh boy.
You're back.
Have you ever watched Mister Rogers as a kid? If not, you should look him up. You may like spending time watching him better than this edgy "Ponies r so great urmurgurd all humuns need to die" stuff.
Unbiased by what I know of the author: this reads like a story outline rather than a proper fic. Events are only barely described and the pace is insanely fast.
And "insane" is a fitting word because here comes the subjective part. The good side is that you seem to learn from audience reactions and rather than show ponies slaughtering humans, you went, for a change, with humans slaughtering ponies so it doesn't seem like humans are innocent. It's still edgy crap teenagers are ashamed of when they grow up and, as we already established in the unbiased part, badly written. But that wasn't enough for you, so you brought back your raging dumpster fire of an OC and give her über-Mary Sue, deus ex machina powers. In ten years, you probably won't be able to sleep at night, remembering the day you thought writing this steaming pile of horse literature was a good idea. Seriously, it's not even the best of your fics and the bar is already pretty low. Evictus can write more believable characters and a more gripping plot. That's really something.
9004890
"Evictus can write more believable characters and a more gripping plot. That's really something."
Got dayum, that burn was hotter than hellfire!
9004985
Well, if you fix the grammar issues and awkward pacing, Evictus seems like a semi-competent writer (well, a bit lower than fimfic average, but still). If you fixed the technical issues on this thing, it'd still be an edgy wankfest.
Only this one I like.
9004840
9004890
Or maybe nobody tried to understand, why is this happening. You want to prove me wrong? You can, but not with just abstract words.
9005671
I haven't tried to prove you wrong. I was just asking if you've seen Mr Rogers, and if you haven't, you should look it up. Mister Rogers' Neighbourhood was and still is a very nice show.
9005678
It's not the show I need, no matter how nice it is.
9005726
Also never said you needed it. No one needs TV shows. They're a hobby at best, something you might tune in from time to time at worst.
9005740
Well, thanks for the suggestion anyway.
9005671
You wot, m8?
9006234
What?
9006708
It was also "what", but in British.
9007061
I get it, what did you want to say by that?
9007139
You mentioned abstract words, yet your comment was so abstract that I felt it didn't quite fit what I wrote.
9007192
It wasn't abstract. I just wrote that if you want to prove me wrong, you can.
May I offer anyone a sandwich?
I have nothing against fics that are critical or condemning towards humans (there are plenty of reasons for that, after all), but this could have been written better, as others already said.
As it is right now, it would work better as a random comedy fic to parody overpowered OC ponies and to make fun of the human species. The end made me genuinely laugh.
But not as a serious story with drama, tragedies and thought-provoking events, it would need much more work for that.
9008854
Thing is, this story's purpose is kinda different from what you might think.
There are serious problems on every level here. Let's for a moment ignore the higher levels (where this story is a dumpster fire) and just look at the descriptions of the way the war went on a technical level:
9042176
About discord:
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/198573/humans-are-superior/thread/100229/what-the-crap-another-stupid-human-weapons-cant-do-anyfing-against-discord-comment
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/198573/humans-are-superior/thread/60580/am-i-the-only-one-who-is-sick-and-tired-of-discord-beating-humanity-in-some-fics
About war in general:
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/198573/humans-are-superior/thread/364171/how-a-war-between-equestria-and-humans-would-really-go
9042192
None of this supports how you wrote the story, it's just a ton of people's opinions (which don't seem to even include anything about the arrows or how the magic shields would work), and they seem to have a low opinion of you...
I'm not even saying Discord is immune to physical weapons (the onscreen evidence points to him being vulnerable, he'd have no reason to avoid Tirek's beam otherwise), just that it's completely stupid of him to physically be present fighting humans at all; he'd be 500 miles away sipping martinis and turning any incoming missiles into butterflies. If humans however managed to slip in some anti-magic like Chrysalis' (now destroyed) throne, however, they'd be able to get close and shoot him dead.
9042207
Tell it to them, about Discord.
seems better all over the place
Excuse me, I just came in and have exactly one question for you:
...What?
Okay, this comment might get deleted (it wouldn't surprise me), but I need to say a few things.
Wait, wha- wow. Okay, I'm used to the classic GrayOnBlue 'kill all humans they are pathetic burn them in hellfire they are weak and ponies will squash them', so this kind of caught me off guard. But, in all fairness, it's more realistic, obviously- golden armor can't stand a chance against bullets, nor can an arrow pierce Kevlar. At least we got that part in.
Wait, a bullet just killed a literal Chaos God? Discord could snap his fingers and instantly turn all of humanity's guns into a bunch of bubble blowers.
OOOOH! Here we go boys- the pace is picking up! Bombs are gonna be dropping on towns left and right no-
...
Wait, what?
Okay, first off, such a 'loophole' is ridiculous. Humans wouldn't treat other sapient beings as anything LESS than a person (at least, not most), but considering this is fiction, why not? But I do want to point out you have portrayed PONIES as thinking of humans as less than people. I vividly recall a fic of yours that involved the ponies torturing the humans using Nazi tactics, so...
Two, 'napalm and white phosphorus'? Fine, I guess you could TECHNICALLY get away with that, but giving the fact that the ponies (at least in this fic) didn't do anything wrong that I can SEE, no world leader would do that. It would cause an uproar back home. But whatever, make humans appear like genocidal lunatics, attacking and being all evil for no good reason because 'raaaaa we're hoomans and we gonna git u' instead of actually building up, you know, REASONS to justify their actions that are more in-depth than 'humans are bad'.
I suppose it's at least better than your other fics in that regard because it at least SHOWS humans being bad before the ponies obliterate human civilization VIA fire, brimstone, and torture because that's somehow 'good'. It's like the Allies reaction after WW2 is to immediately execute all of Germany- it's insane.
I find something very odd about this. You are clearly portraying such a thing as BAD (it is), but yet in other stories protray snapping a little girl with cancers fingers slowly, one by ones breaking every one of her bones in front of her parents as perfectly justified. But yeah, more 'omg hooumans r evil dey onlyy kill and mudrer an raep n shit'. Nobody in their right mind would eat another sapient beings flesh, and slavery went out years ago.
A Deus Ex Machina, that leads to a super Mary-Sue-ish omnipotent pony crushing all of human civilization?
Ah, yes. Honey Mary 'Edgelord' Sue Bun appears again, ready to do more mindless destruction, right?
Seriously, tone it down. 'Something that made others feel safe, but the enemy trembles in their boots at the mere sight of her visage'? Come on, you can do better than this. Make her more normal, less over-powered. It's boring to see the 'hero' ROFL-Stomp all over the enemy like what I imagine is about to happen.
Yep, the unexplained 'omnipotent pony of murder' trope. Seriously, stop. Over-powered Mary Sue Characters are boring. I'll give you some criticism right here: tone her down. Bring her power all the way back to one and rework it. If you want to write actually GOOD stories, you can make her powerful, but never so powerful it's obvious she will win, and is in fact practically GUARANTEED to do so.
Once you get to the point where bullets actually do some kind of harm (even if it's temporary) and she logically can be killed by, say, a huge-ass nuclear warhead or preferably something more conventional, like a tank shot or missile, then we can talk.
And THAT, is a problem. Like I said before, TONE IT THE FUCK DOWN.
Also, 'three seconds'? What, were they standing over the portal like hawks, staring intently at the portal with their hands over the button?
Yeah, Honey Bun! Murder ALL of those innocent babies and children, millions of human civilians who had nothing to do with the (erroneusly justified and needlessly misanthropic) invasion, and trillions of adorable puppies and kittens, all of human history and culture, not to mention every species on planet Earth!
Or are you trying to imply that everyone has a part in this and should be blamed, because they pay money to the governent which made the invasion happen? AKA, trying to imply everyone should be blamed for existing?
Yeesh.
...
Are you a troll, or what? Clearly, this isn't meant to be taken seriously. What, did you bamboozle the lot of us with your fiendishly clever pseudo-misanthropic fics, gradully turning the absurdity up until somebody notices?
And thus, Honey Bun successfully massacred every life form on a planet for no good reason! Huzzah! Yeah, go get them, Honey Bun! Burn those- ugh- HUMANS alive! Yeaaaaaa-
Wow.
CONCLUSION
This isn't a story. It's a story OUTLINE. It is only five words above the limit for this site, for god sakes! That temple? That spell? That portal? Character justifications? Backstory? Personality? All COMPLETELY glossed over- No real description of any of it at ALL, really. Almost everything was completely underdeveloped. Here's some advice: when writing about ANYTHING, remember two things: One, the WHO, WHERE, WHEN, WHAT, WHY, and HOW. The five W's and a sneaky bugger of an H. Always include them, and really flesh out the idea. Second, the five senses. What can you SMELL, HEAR, SEE, FEEL, TASTE... Your descriptions are lacking these ENTIRELY, with only what barely qualifies as a paragraph- hell, some of them aren't anything more than a SENTENCE to give the reader a full idea of what you are talking about. I could barely picture anything.
It took a second glance for me to realize you have NO DIALOGUE ANYWHERE IN THIS STORY. NOTHING. And you know what that means? No character development at ALL. I can't relate to any characters I know exactly nothing about. Plus, there's no build-up to the war AT ALL, nor any justifications for any of the actions the characters take in this story- not to mention the blatant misanthropy and overdone 'omg humans r evaail dey kil shit' trope your stories are all about.
People might be more receptive to your stories if you actually include, well- a STORY. This certainly doesn't qualify as one. It feels like it was written in fifteen minutes during your lunch period, which makes sense because the PACE, oh god the PACE is faster than the Heart of Gold. Meaning it's instant. Because honestly, it feels that way. I can't remember anything about this.
But have some positive feedback on this story: your grammar and spelling is at least BEARABLE, but it certainly isn't good, nor is your sentence structure and word choice. Make use of a thesaurus once in a while, by the way. It's useful for writing interesting stories, and PLEASE for the love of god tone down Honey Bun's overpowered Mary Sue-ness. Give her some flaws, some personality, some family, some friends, some ideas and thoughts, give her something more than 'nigh-omnipotent human murdering machine'.
One question for you.
Do you actually hate humans this much? If so, why? It would be very informative. Unlike your descriptions. And because of this and so many other failures in this story, I can safely hand out my downvote, and promptly forget this ever existed. You have some potential, you just need to actually try.
And please ditch the misanthropy.
Cheers.
9078018
So many wrongs, so I don't feel like responding to all of them.
In short, everyone is guilty, ponies are good, humans are bad, and turning Earth into ashes along with other animals is a small price to destroy humans.
9080315
Yeah, I picked up on that. But you can stop now. I looked through the comments of your other stories and found something VERY interesting- confirmation you're a troll. A very, VERY dedicated troll, and a good one at that. Which honestly indicates a lack of a real life on your part, but whatever.
You're going too close to the edge. Over the times, your stories got more and more absurd, and, as I stated in my comment, you tried to see how far you could go without people realizing you are a troll. You went much too far, and now people have picked on to your games.
This will almost certainly get deleted. And, if it does, it only shows your immaturity and your lack of a life. I mean, you deleted a comment stating you are a troll just to prevent others from finding out? Wow, you must really like trolling- hence, no life.
But whatever.
In the great, great words of 'someone I don't know who probably maybe';
i.imgur.com/KNHmZYL.png
EDIT: I edited my other comment to point how he blocked me (adorable), and guess what? I suppose he was scrolling through the comments, found the edit, and, unsatisfied with the fact I wasn't falling for his antics, deleted that comment and responded AGAIN, doing his exact same fake quote strategy. Just to try and anger me, which only shows his lack of a life, but whatever. Nobody is falling for that anymore, by the way.
Hey, Gray. If you read to this point, (I doubt you will), how long has it been since you've gotten out of the house? Seriously. Stop wasting your time. Life is very valuable, you know? And you should probably go out and get one. Go save up some money, see the Pyramids, Niagara Falls, the Australian Outback, the Taj Mahal... go Skydiving, Scuba diving, learn how to fly a plane, get some exercise, go to a museum... people often fail to realize how fast life really goes.
https://www.listchallenges.com/bucket-list-things
https://www.listchallenges.com/150-most-famous-landmarks-in-the-world
Come on, respond. I can't wait to see what you have to say.
9080361
I've been telling many times that I'm not a troll, but since people keep saying that, I decided to just delete these comments, if they don't understand written language.
9080407
Well, if it's your final word, I don't see a point to have a meaningful conversation with you at all. Begone.
9080407
I know.
Ok, this seemed to start out as extremely anti-pony. Humans start killing and raping ponies. The Alicorns are wiped out, Discord is wiped out but then all of a sudden your earth pony OC comes along and wipes the humans out? Please, I have seen a lot of overpowered OCs in my day, mostly Alicorns but even they weren't as bad as this OC of yours. If the shields the Alicorns didn't work, no way is the mere presence of an earth pony going to make any difference. The way your story was for the most part made you look like a hypocrite. It is far worse than the stories where ponies crush humans and not a single pony was harmed.
I don't get it, you killed many ponies, the Equestrians you claim to love, the citizens of a land you wrote a whole story about wanting to go to. So much for you thinking ponies are superior to humans, right. This has gotten to the point where your OC is the only thing superior.
Let me rephrase that for you, your OC is good, everything else (ponies/humans/microbes, etc.) are bad and undeserving of life.
Oh wait, you've been banned so this was a waste of my time.....can't wait to see your alt though! It will be just as bad.
Your trolling right? Please tell me your shitposting. Please.
-Reads story-......
-Reads the comments-......
-Reads, like, two other stories from this author-......i.imgflip.com/2jui6i.jpg
This is all just awful, just a giant waste of time for everyone. Write these stories all you like for as long as you want, but it must be obvious by now no one here is connecting with what you're publishing. Just keep it to yourself dude, it looks like everyone here is just fed up with you
Seriously, Discord dead? Please, he could turn bullets into bubbles. He could turn all of humanity's jet fighters into flying pigs, he could turn tanks into stagecoaches and he could turn assault rifles into water pistols that shoot out grape jam. Discord is the one individual that no amount of human weapons could wipe out. Even hydrogen bombs are things he could turn into scoops of ice cream.
I don't know why you had this story start out the way it did, killing so many ponies but then along comes your OC who seems to be completely invincible. Hell I'm surprised you don't write something where little miss Honey Bun stops a wandering black hole from consuming the earth. Tone that mare down, make her realistic!
9080315
May you start with yourself?
it seems to me you just hate humans for some stupid odd reason, all your stories just seem to contain anti human propaganda , like, bro, if you hate your own species this much, you need mental help, more so if what happens in your stories, is what you ACTUALLY want to happen to people, like dude, your a little more than fucked up if all you can think about is violent ways to have people mass murdered, ever hear of a guy named hitler? your sorta reminding me of him, except with the entire human species, rather than just leaving aryans alive , now I do get some people can be absolute assholes, or very shitty people
however not everyone is like that, just search on youtube 'restore faith in humanity' an you tend to find a lot of good things, however you can also find just as many bad things, the way to look at it is 50/50, people can be good, and people can be bad, but the way your stories go, you make it seem like everyone down to the last infant is a monster if its human, thats sort of fucked up my guy
another thing, you have a lot of deleted comments from people you didn't agree with, if you don't agree with someone, don't be a dick to them, say why you disagree, try to make your argument in a non asshole way, and if they don't see it how you do? TO BAD, not everyone will agree with what you say, deal with it, take a look at your stories and look at how many dislikes compared to likes there are, let that be a clue you either need to change what you write about, or stop writing
9080315
that just sounds stupid as hell lmfao
10119118
No one is invincible. Discord tends to be confident and needs to snap his fingers to use his magic. A quick surprise attack could defeat him
Wow, this stories are complete doo doo trash. Like, what was that bitch’s name? Honey Bun? Whatever. If she ever walked up to me, I’d punch her, and it would hurt her. Terrible.
I had the honor of being the 100th dislike.