When Twilight awakes one morning to a furious pounding on the doors of Castle Friendship, she assumes someone has a very dire friendship problem.
When she opens the door to find an abandoned newborn colt, not a guardian in sight, her whole world turns upside down.
At the prospect of the little foal going to an orphanage, Twilight puts her hoof down, and adopts the colt.
Investigations turn up a terrible orphanage, and a mistreated mare.
Follow along on Twilight's journey of finding love, sleepless nights, sick foals, and the trials and tribulations of motherhood, with a newfound love by her side.
Mild Parental Abuse mentions and descriptions later on, chapters discussing it in any detail will have a warning in the authors notes at the top.
Taking suggestions for adorable Star Chaser shenanigans here!
Cover art made with pony bases by roserooibos and bootiqueenx
twilight agruing with celestia
what madness
Awesome
Dose Big Mac not fit into the equation? Or am I missing something?
Alright the first thing I like to add is something positive:
The premise is good.
But I think the pacing could be better.
The small dilema between Twilight and Celestia is a little bit rushed.
The rotting in an orphanage is a little bit off, because Twilight couldn'T experience that on her own and I would deny, that a small cute foal like you have describe would stay in an orphnage for long.
As an advice, I would write a few scenes into the introduction, where Twilight felt a growing bound with the little one.
Like when she feeds him or the feeling like a warmth hug, when he nestled against her chest.
In this way you can give Twilight a chance to develop motherly feelings in a more natural way.
For me it feels a little bit rushed for her to be real, sorry.
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I didn’t even think of that, I’m dumb, you’re right. ;3; time to write in some adorable foal-ness.
And I figure Twilight’s smart, so would know the state of said foster care and orphanages.
8910091
Wasn’t he already mostly full grown? Did I remember wrong?
Hmm.
Time for a few corrections I guess.
To the editing table!
hurrah plot
Don't forget the burping my friend^^
It's necessary and healthy for little babies and should work for such a small foal too.
HUZZAH! THE PLOT MOVES FORWARDS!
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And now I'm remembering the last time I took care of a baby and had to do the burping. It did not stay on the towel. Which is a shame because I really liked that shirt too. :(
HHHHhhhhmmm I don't want to be mean towards another author that was writing a adoption story, but this feels more right even if the chapters are short.
That is one of the more likeable and harmless chliches.
I like it so far, just either make sure the entire story is going to be longer (more chapters), no timeskips or make the chapters itself longer I guess.
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I went and added in grossness of burping and baby vomit thanks to that. I hope you're proud of yourself. You added baby pony vomit.
well I think Twilights basic instints are taking over her thinking process
Keep up with the story really love it
I want to shove him face first into the dirt.
I like it, I'm not sures if there maybe could be more conversation or what it was that was a bit missing for me, but I liked how Twilight nearly said "my foal".
Erm ... if Orphanages are actually as bad as Scootaloo says (Not enough blankets? Really?), shouldn't Twilight be looking to bust some heads? Sounds like a serious case of corruption somewhere, because there is no way Celestia would allow homeless foals to live in such conditions if she was actually aware of the situation. Sounds like something the princesses should look into fixing asap.
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Absolutely!
That will not be going unresolved. :)
Heads will roll.
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That's good to hear, will be looking towards that. Because clearly Star isn't the only abandoned foal here who needs help. There is probably a special place in Tartarus for someone who steals the funds meant for orphanages ...
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I sincerely hope that Twi does actually wind up busting some corrupt embezzlers heads. Just because it seems like something she would actually do.
why do I get the feeling that the wrath of kratos will be nothing comparied to twilight
whoa
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vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/powerlisting/images/8/81/Twilight_Maic_Blast.gif/revision/latest?cb=20140517214508
That maybe? :P
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couldn't agree more, my friend
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because lazors
this is a lot better then what you originally had for the first chapter where you had twilight and celstia almost duke it out
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Thank you!
I still think mama twilight needs to threaten to kill a pony... perhaps just not Celestia herself.
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I agree
Since I don't think fluttershy knew about the foal already I would have prefered it to see her suprised face.
it wasn`'t oficcially yet?
why so fast?
I just hope there is not the usual foalnapping, at least not over three chapters and that we don't get a problem with the mother suddenly wanting him back. I would prefer it if he get's to see his mother in a sequel and get's to know her, but decides that he wants to be with Twilight still.
Not sure if she could even get him back just like that.
8914236
Shit!
I must have accidentally highlighted and erased that whole bit! Thank you for pointing it out, I’ll be correcting it later today!
Right now it’s 1:30 am and I really should be asleep.
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1. Not really time for doing anything seeing as it’s really early morning.
2. Both currently awake, as Luna has not gone to sleep for the day yet.
3. It’s Twilight.
This chapter felt somewhat odd - why would Twilight ask Celestia permission to adopt Star? Unless every single adoption in Equestria has to be approved by Celestia specifically, there is no reason Twilight would need Celestia's permission. And Twilight is a princess of her own to boot.
I mean, I could understand if she was worried about Celestia's approval, as she always does, but a permission is not something she would need to ask for.
On another note ... wait, the orphanage's records were public? How in Equestria have they gotten away with this if anyone can look this up and the records don't even appear to be falsified? If they manage to miss something this obvious, it sounds like there is a lot of ineptitude in Canterlot's bureaucracy that needs fixing (or the corruption goes even higher up than thought, if they are brazen enough to not even bother producing flase records and are pretty much stealing in broad daylight)
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You’d be surprised what goes unnoticed when they aren’t directly linked. There was actually a huge scandle in my hometown a few years back about the women’s shelter basically being robbed by the people in charge. No one reports, because they’re desperate, or they think that’s just how it’s supposed to be, or they just plain don’t want to bother. If the two things aren’t smack in front of your face and you aren’t given reason to question, it’s unlikely you will.
Also: thanks, I did correct it so Celestia points out that adoption isn’t really her area of government :p
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Yeah, but I'd like to imagine that doing it in Canterlot - right under Celestia's nose - would take balls especially big ... or brains inversely small.
Well, now they certainly do have a reason to look more closely. And perhaps check other orphanages as well for good measure - if this is happening in Canterlot, there us no telling what's happening in other cities.
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Also: I edited it now to say it's not "public records" lol. They are records, and obviously as a princess Twilight would have access to such records. But they are not public.
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I thought the same, but then I thought maybe it had to do with the fact that Twilight had reported him as being missed or something like that. edit: missing foal report or something like that.
You know as if there was a rule where she had to wait a certain amount of days or something and I wasn't sure if that maybe made sense.
Howabout a boot to the head? *bonk*
*yay*
My brains central processing matrix has been overloaded with cuteness
If nothing else, Twilight should have some practice taking care of little ones already. I mean, he is obviously more than self sufficient now, but she has been looking after Spike for a long time now, ever since he hatched, even if I imagine she had help at first. There are obviously gonna be some differences between him and a pony foal, but Twilight shouldn't be clueless about what she is signing up for.
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;3 Exactly why she says it's hecktic, she knows what she's getting herself into now. The first time she asked was just "Oh my god I've just taken in a foal what the hell do I do now holy shit?" kind of panic that sets in with new parents lmao. I've seen it so many times. You get everything ready, you're all set, and then the panic sets in. "What if I squish them? What if I accidentally starve them? What if I drop them on their head?" 90% of the time we don't, but we still worry we're gonna accidentally kill our kids.
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Obviously she needs to foalproof the castle.
Step 1 is magically transforming it into a giant marhsmallow.
Steap 2 is trying to prevent Ponyville's foals from eating it.
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No, that’ll totally be what Star Chaser does with his first magic burst.
And then gets a marshmallow cutie mark.
(I lie, marshmallows are not his destiny, nor are stars, and that’s all I’ll say on the matter.)
OH MY GOSH!
THE MOTHER WAS UNDER OUR NOSES ALL ALONG!
i feel like twilight is a little slow in this... i knew the moment i read cinnamon saying the colts name what was up.
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the ice cream parlor opened a week ago. but twi has had star for a month
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Of course, you can’t just up and start a business as soon as you move. :p
They would have had to get their own home set up, then get their business registration and such, and then finally order supplies and shit.
I based the timing actually around an actual ice cream place that opened up here. They had the sign up saying what was coming for about two weeks before it actually opened.
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nice. someone that does their research? :) though, i will admit- cinnamon being in ponyville is... hell on the mother. my own mother said how she felt when i called my foster mother 'mom'... she said it tore her apart.
Why suddenly friendship lession?, Was it not something else they wanted to do with their time there?, that is if you should do exactly what was in the series and what i remember, however I accept a different idea too. Just in chase maybe you want to add the alternate universe tag?
There is maybe no need for it yet, but that way no one can really tell you it isn't like in the show.
I like it the most if they are all suprised, so she could have said she didn't really believed it till now or something like that.
Okay what followed was similar enough.
I just hope you don't write Twilight in a way where it looks like she would be as stupid as Celestia sometimes and act as if the world ends if she doesn't handles the amount of work she does.
Half of the problems could probably taken care of otherwise.
I also want to ensure Twilight has enough time for the little one here and does stuff her own way.
I just needed to image her being crazy because of the lack of sleep and saying something like "maybe it's the lack of sleep why I like him so much, these foals are evil masterminds who mess with your head and make you think/do crazy things you wouldn't do otherwise".
It is probably funnier in my head.
I don't care if it is going to be an acciddent or not, but now I want a sleep deprived Twilight VS her friends. Without Celestia stopping Twilight and figuring it out so fast in the first place.
I mean someone maybe decite to give Twilight a break (spike?) and take Star Chaser somewhere else again and then the main five ? need to calm down the biggest treat Ponyville has seen till now.
edit: Celestia suddenly appearing and giving an instant solution to the problem is sometimes a killjoy and often she does it in such a way that she needs to talks about how bad this or that characters is depending on what happened as far as I remember other stories.
Why was this funny?, maybe because I image fluttershy being desperate right now.
Maybe the reveal came a bit to soon, but in her situation I'm not to sure why she didn't keeped him. I mean that we know about his mother to soon? Sorry I feel like I can't decide what I want in this matter.
hhhmmm I think I wait and watch for now, this slightly sad moment could lead to something interessting and heartwarming later, so why now at least showing the mother so it's okay I guess.
I'm curious who the father is if she thinks it is such a problem in her situation and what her father thinks about it.
I'm also curious how old she is if she already has a child and goes to classes. It sounds like she couldn't control herself and got the child to soon in my opinion, but that is not the problem here or important for the story.
edit: I like this story and I think this is one of the chases where I can't decide if I want to play it safe and cute(whatever) and only have nice stuff, or if some drama wouldn't make it even more interessting and bittersweet?