Brothers

by ThreeBronyBrothers

People skills

"Are we ready guys?" asked Luigi.

"Ready!" said Tony.

"Ready, Santa!" said G.

"Okay. Prep the spell Tony. G, start the carriage."

"Okay. We're about 100 feet away from Twilight's place. Probably." said G.

"Good. Tony, start the spell"

"Ok. 3...2...1...!"

The spell magnified Luigi's voice, as he spoke to everypony in the crowded area surrounding Twilight's house, "There once was a town that worked so hard, there was just no time for play. But that all changed on one particular day..."

Giovanni began moving the cart towards the center of the square. Ponies began looking at the cart, which was poorly disguised as some sort of bus, as it pulled up near Twilight's tree house. Luigi used his headphone to put on the song.

[Song]

The three brothers began to slowly exit the cart, standing in front of their "bus." Everypony in the square was looking at them. The three brothers prepared themselves for something truly spectacular...

AND THEN THEY BROKE INTO DANCE, THROWING THEIR HOOVES UP IN THE AIR, SHUFFLING FROM SIDE TO SIDE, ROCKING BACK AND FORTH, JUMPING AROUND, AND HAVING FUN, in a similar way that a certain old man advertising for a certain amusement park would have. The stares that they were getting were priceless. The stares, however, led to motion in the ponies that were watching. Pretty soon, everypony in the square was dancing along with the three brothers, in a moment of true happiness.

Tony then lit up his horn, and magically lit a piece of string on fire. This string connected to a couple of thousands of fireworks that were conveniently conjured up inside of their bus. Tony screamed, "EXPLOSION!!!!" and, on cue, the whole bus blew to smithereens. Fireworks lit up the already bright morning sky, momentarily creating a second sun. As the fireworks fell back to the ground, some that were still lit fell into the fountain, and by some unimaginable feat that can only be chalked up to Tony being Tony, the water in the fountain caught fire. The citizens of Ponyville just assumed that that was part of the plan, so they kept dancing and having a good time.

The door to Twilight's house slammed open, and Spike and Twilight ran outside to see what had exploded. When they saw what was happening, Spike ran in to join the dance, which was dying down, and Twilight simply stared. When the dance was finished, everypony gave the three brothers a round of applause, then continued on with whatever they were doing. This would totally be in the papers tonight!

The three brothers brohoofed. "YES! That was amazing!" Luigi said. "Great job guys!" Spike ran up to them with the biggest smile on his face. "That was the most interesting thing that has ever happened that Pinkie Pie wasn't a part of!"

"I suppose that isn't done often?" Tony asked

"Actually, that never happens." replied Spike

"Stick with us kid."

"It's good you came to us, Spike. We were hoping to go speak with Twilight." said Luigi.

"Sure thing! come on in!"

As they walked in, Luigi turned to Tony and whispered, "You set water on fire? Seriously?"
Tony whispered back, "I actually didn't plan that. There must be something in the water! Maybe it's gasoline, who knows?"
Luigi dismissed this information as nonsense. He looked back at the smoldering pile of ash that was their "bus" and shrugged. Oh well, at least nopony got hurt.

The three brothers entered Twilight's tree house. They were amazed at the detail within the house. The bookshelves were actually hollowed out sections of the tree! Now that was smart! Considering the huge size of the tree, that would fit a LOT of books. And boy, where there a lot of books!

That was where the observation stopped, as all three of the brothers' attention turned to the purple pony coming down the stairs. Twilight entered the room, and for one moment in time, the three brothers were quiet. "Why hello there everypon-OOF!"

Twilight unfortunately could not finish her sentence, as she was assaulted by three ponies in what was probably the best triple glomp of all time. (For those who don't know, a glomp is like a dramatic cross between a tackle and a hug). "ERMAHGERD TWILURT SPURKLE!" exclaimed the three brothers as they lovingly strangled Twilight. This caught her off guard, and she responded by teleporting herself back to her room.

*MENTAL GLOMP CHECKLIST*

Twilight- Check!
(You're next, Dashie...)

The three brothers were left standing in Twilight's place, with Spike staring at them. "What the hay is wrong with you guys?"

"That has not been satisfactorily determined." said Tony.

"Yup, we're as crazy as they get!" added Luigi.

"I second that!" G said.

"Well, you can take your craziness outside. Get out." Spike demanded, looking kinda angry.

"Woah dude, chill out! We don't mean any harm. We still really do need to speak with Twilight." Luigi said.

"Oh yeah? Well you have 10 seconds to assure me that you're 'normal,' otherwise, you're outta here!" Spike replied.

"Uh.. Oh! We can count to three!"

"So? how does that make you normal?"

"Well, where we come from, there are entire businesses that, while successful, lack the ability to count to 3! It's a legitimate problem where we're from!"

Tony turned to look at you, the reader. "Right Valve? Right?" he asked.

Spike and G looked at Tony. Luigi Facehoofed.

Then Luigi spoke up, "But seriously Spike, we're trustworthy. We were just excited to meet Twilight, and we got a little carried away."

"Sorry, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave." Spike said. He started to push them out of the room. Hearing that the problem was being resolved Twilight started to come back down the stairs.

"No! Spike, no, please! No, Twilight please, I'm sorry, help! I can change! I love you! Tony said desperately.

And cue the blush and annoyed looks.

"Well, I tried"

"OK! I think that you can stay for a while." Twilight said tying her best to hide the blushes. Spike followed through and let us go. "Since you'll be here a while, would you like some tea?" The brothers turned to each other and exchanged glances for several moments. They turned back, as if they had concluded a secret conversation, then Luigi spoke.

"How can I say no?"

"Then it's settled, Spike?"

"Fine," Spike said with a huff as he walked into the kitchen. Once in the doorway and out of Twilight's view he turned around and passed an angry glance our way and signaled that he was watching us with his claw.

"You know, that would be kind of scary if he didn't look so cute while doing it" Tony said to Luigi and G who saw it and they nodded in agreement.

"What?" Twilight said not seeing the scene Spike made.

"Nothing, nothing" said Luigi.

"The tea should be out soon, how about you tell me about yourselves. Where are you from?" Twilight asked. The brothers exchanged nervous glances.

"If you would excuse us for a moment." Luigi said. They didn't wait for a response, instead they got up and went to the other side of the room and huddled in a circle.

"What do we say?" G whispered in a worried tone.

"We just tell her that we're from Earth." Tony stated plainly.

"Won't that cause all of existence to collapse into a black hole?" Luigi questioned.

"Sure, but it would be a hell of a ride." Tony said, getting excited at the thought of it "Anyway, do you have a better idea? No? Okay then. G, get the surf boards ready."

Then Spike came back into the room with four cups and a kettle of tea. The brothers broke their circle and started towards Twilight and Spike. They sat down and prepared for what the were about to say.

"So, you were about to say where you are from." Twilight said as Spike passed out the tea cups. The brothers looked to each other tying to get each other to destroy the fabric of time and space.

"I guess I'll go" Tony said. Luigi and G exchanged worried glances as if they had made a mistake. Spike finished passing out the cups with Tony last. But when he passed it, he "accidentally" spilled it all over him.

"Spike!" Twilight exclaimed at his rudeness.

"Silly Spikey." Tony said as he attempted to levitate the tea off the floor, but instead, he turned it purple. "What? Well, that's new." He tried again and managed to get it back into the cup. He looked at it curiously and took a sip. "Wine?"

"But that was just water and tea leaves..." Spike said, bewildered.

Tony stared to take another sip. "Don't do that!" Luigi intervened trying to prevent a disaster. The last thing he needed was for Tony to get drunk. Tony then proceeded to drink the entire cup in seconds.

"What's your point?" Tony slurred. This won't end well Luigi thought as he tried to continue the conversation.

"Our story is quite simple, dear Twilight." Luigi said. Twilight began to drink her tea. "The three of us are otherworldly beings, aliens in your universe, who through some unknown reason have gone through a complex metamorphosis and teleportation that has landed us in Equestria in the form of its most common demographic unit."

The bad news was she didn't believe them. However, they achieved the desired result.

Twilight did the biggest, best, most epic spit-take that the three had ever seen. It went EVERYWHERE. It was all over the walls...and the floor... and the ceiling........OK that's a little bit over-exaggerated. Let's just say, there was a HUGE mess to clean up.

"WHAT!" exclaimed Twilight. The she saw the mess she made. "Oh my Celestia." She said as she covered her face with her hooves. "That's so embarrassing..." she whimpered.

"Heh. Don't worry about it. We'll get this cleaned up." Luigi said.

"Hey Spike... WHERE ARE THE PAPER TOWELS?!" Tony yelled.

"There over here, in this bag!" Spike yelled back from inside the kitchen.

"Throw em' over here!" Tony responded.

Spike complied. The roll of paper towels came flying out of the kitchen. It was a new roll of "Brony" paper towels.

Tony caught the roll with his magic, and used it to cover most of the room. Then, he rolled it up into a big ball, and incinerated it. Luigi's eye's widened, "DUDE! We're in a tree!!"

"OH BUCK!" Tony yelled. Without thinking, Tony levitated the kettle of tea and threw it on to the fire, singing, "SAFETY WATER!"

G came out from behind him and continued, "PUT IT ON THE FIRE!"

"SAFETY WATE-"

"GUYS!" Luigi yelled to get the others attention. They turned to look at him. "What are you doing?"

Tony walked to the ball of ash smoldering in the room. "Well, my job is done here." Tony then tapped the floor with his hoof and created a portal. G and Tony jumped through. Then Tony stuck his head out and called, "SPIKE!" and jumped back through, leaving Luigi alone with an extremely confused Twilight and and a very, very pissed off dragon.

Comments

[werebrony]

Wtf!!! Safety water!!!!

[Professor Plum]

Alrighty, you asked, so you shall receive.
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw2239_medium.jpg

There are some things you've not explained. At all. Like how they've learnt magic like Amplification Spells already. Or where they got their "bus", and enough explosives to destroy said "bus". Especially since they've been there for nearly no time at all, and are all Under-age.
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw1657_small.png

Then there's the video. I was worried my views on such issues were uncommon, so I asked the TWE Skype Chat. Here was the result:
imageshack.us/a/img846/3374/embedding.png
Seems not.

By embedding the video, you've broken immersion for everyone. Not a great move.
Links work, as they're subtle and offer the reader the option of not clicking them. Like this one. The music/whatever's there, but it isn't thrust into their face.
Another option is subtle shoutouts. You actually did this fairly well with "a certain old man advertising for a certain amusement park", but the video kinda ruins it.

You know what I said about Yellow Text last time? Same applies to Cyan. It's too bright to be used on a white background. Best to use darker colours if you feel the need to do this at all. Not sure why you felt the need to colour that sentence actually, but meh. To each their own, I guess.

ERMAHGERD TWILURT SPURKLE!

denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/thumb/mlfw3376.gif
Memes and Ponies don't mix well, son.

For those who don't know, a glomp is like a dramatic cross between a tackle and a hug

If you're not sure people are gonna get a reference, you have two options:

1) Carry on. Either people will get it and enjoy it, or they won't. If they're curious, they can look it up themselves, but that's their choice.
2) Don't post the bloody thing.

Reader immersion, yet again. That seems to be a recurring problem here.
Some congratulations are in order, I feel. This is the first time I enjoyed a Valve/3 joke. I honestly wasn't expecting that. History has been made. Well done.

Tony turned to look at you, the reader

Oh dear.
Try to preserve the 4th-wall as much as possible, yeah?
Most 4th-wall breakages nowadays are poking fun at themselves, having evolved into some odd sub-branch of Meta-Humour. It's an odd situation, to be sure.
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw8340_small.jpg

Also, the ending.
It just kinda... happened.
I mean, since when could Tony make portals? Who taught him? Portals to where? Why did G follow him through?
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/thumb/mlfw2989.png
Curiosity is good. Confusion? Not so much.

Conclusion:

Spelling's decent. Grammar's got a few slip ups, like homophones (usually where). Nothing particularly story-breaking.

Main problem in your writing is, of course, reader immersion/4th-wall stuff/whatever you want to call it.
Maybe it's somewhat more difficult to differentiate when it'd work or not, seeing as it's related to your life somewhat? Seeing as it's a self-insert and all. I dunno, never written one, so I've not really got much of an idea.

A lot of the problems I had with the first story are still present here.

I still haven't seen your OCs described in any meaningful way. I keep on having to scroll through the comments to find out what's happening in a scene, as I don't have a real image of them in my head.
Also waiting on the explanation of how the hell they got there.
And while we're at it, a peek at the planned storyline'd be nice. Are they just gonna chill in Equestria, randomly hugging ponies they find cute? Or is there some deeper reason, like an evil villain is attempting to use them to further their nefarious plans, or something.

Still... I'd say it was a mild improvement on the earlier chapters. Not too bad overall.
I'd still recommend branching out, but your choice I suppose

Now, it's 4am so I should probably be off. I blame any and all mistakes you may find above on the Brandy.
Plum Out
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw5499-13389087188764.gif

~ScreenedPlum, TWE's Drunk Scotsman
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/thumb/mlfw3165.png

[ThreeBronyBrothers]

1601687

All right, thank you again for the info. Now I have explanation to make:

-Tony is not supposed to make any sense at all. (He's like that IRL). His character is meant to break the fourth wall and do random things for no reason. He knows magic perfectly because he's Tony. Besides, without him and his antics, the story would be pretty bland. I hope that, while there was no explanation for Tony's actions, they were still humorous.

-We actually had the vid embeded(sp?), but I thought it would be easier to put in in the text. MY BAD. (You guys can put the pitchforks away now)

-Darker colors. Okay.

-We are considering branching out, but we still have stuff already written that we want to post.

-The fourth wall stands no chance against us. Plain and simple. That's just how we want to write it. It does serve a purpose though, all in good time.

-just thought to throw the meme in there to see who understood it: We'd have an idea of the kind of audience we're writing for that way.

Thank you for reading again!

HAPPY SEASON 3!!!!

-All three of us