Macintosh Appleton the Large goes to a mysterious castle for a land deal with the eccentric master of the property.
Please withhold judgement until near the end, where it starts to make sense (hopefully)
Chapters (9)
- Member Since 5th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen 9 hours ago
Cyndaquil
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it." Groucho Marx
Cyndaquil
Joined 5th Sep, 2013 ·
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Complete? I don't want to sound rude or demanding, but isnt that wasted potential? You've just finished setting up the story and characters. So many potential storylines! Dark and twisted, humorous and uplifting, twisted and humorous, dark and uplifting... So many options! Dare I say, MOAR?
This. I like this.
Minor nitpick: " “Yes,” she rubbed her hands together in a menacing gesture." <-- should be "hooves."
8555679
Got it. Thanks.
It's surprising how often that comes up. In another story, I couldn't decide out how to say something was 40 feet high. Do I say 40 hooves, are their X hooves to a foot or would Equestria be metric.
8555921
Regardless of such semantics, this story was a fun read. Short, but interesting.
8554564
Hey SSPeatnutButter, I'd have replied sooner, but I was kinda curious if the story would end up being some sorta surprise hit on the site.
This story was something I made just for fun. I wouldn't mind revisiting the world when I'm inspired, though I'd probably try to avoid setting one ongoing narrative.
I already have one idea. Basically it's how would the classic, 'Dracula sneaks through the window and steals the girl play out?
Ha! We're the 10th vote and thus make the slider appear!
An AU Twilight deciding to try and activate the Elements of Harmony? This sounds like a great concept and setup for a little reformation, though how much Midnight really needs to be "reformed" needs to be see....
Keep going! ;)
It's spelled 'ochre'.
Now, this is an interesting AU. It would be fun to see Midnight Sparkle and her entourage attempting to live amongst ordinary ponies in an ordinary neighbourhood, trying to find and befriend the expected Element Bearers. Though the three witches at least should remember enough about their pre-witch days to give her a few pointers...
I wonder what Starlight Glimmer's backstory is in this world?
Sometimes if you're told something often enough, you start to believe. Sometimes when you believe, incredible things can happen...
Keep going! ;)
8901093
I do know what I want to do with Starlight Glimmer. It'll branch off from Midnights story, so I have to get back to her first. As for a backstory, it wouldn't be a full chapter, just an event to explain her motivations. One idea I considered was that she witnessed Sunbursts horrible death as a filly. I'm giving that away so that I'll commit to finding something less morbid.
Thanks for the encouragement.
8901389
It's really awesome to know that at least one pony actively watches for what I write. Thanks. I'll try not to disappoint.
8902103
Haha, that's what the follow button is for, is it not?
She just needs a little pick-me-up from Maude, that's all!
Keep going! ;)
other then a issue with this [hr[ i spotted no errors and I like the story keep up the good work
Ooh! Great work hiding Dash's identity here, what a lovely reveal!
We believe you meant "loan" not "lone".
So half of the six are located and relocated for availability, who's next?
Keep going! ;)
8990153
8990384
Fixed.
While the first chapter's transition was a bit unsatisfyingly abrupt in its turn from Stoker to Friendship, the later chapters recover the balance of being a proper Victorian horror story about how those direst of evils: feminism, friendship, ecology, and medicine.
Glimmer is the best part. I guess Alt-Glimmer and Alt-Twilight met on their travels as unpleasant, magical weirdos with strange fixations and a chip on their shoulder?
One grammar note, in Chapter 2
I'm pretty sure you intended that to be action, and not someone saying “Daisy quickly covered Lily’s muzzle with her hoof.”
well, Starlight does have to operate at a loss until she builds reputation...
Soon enough the plan continues, but will the campaign be successful.
Keep going! ;)
9059689
Here's hoping whatever reputation she builds doesn't get her chased out of town with torches and pitchforks.
i knew that pony was trouble who is that technical about everything
Mudbriar??? no way!
Wonder who she's trying to save? Can that even work?
Looks like Lily has a new boy toy...
Keep going! ;)
i'm slightly confused about the time line
9076752
I definitely sympathize. I was trying to write so that the chapters work as standalones, and have different central characters. I blew the stand-alone part with 6 and 7. In some chapters the timeline crosses over. I'm pretty sure it all fits though. It goes:
Chapter 2, prequel
Chapter 1
Chapter 5, until Midnight leaves for Appleloosa
Chapter 3
Chapter 4, Fist half
Chapter 6, Concurrent to first half of chapter 4
Chapter 7
Chapter 4, Second half
Chapter 7, just the flower Pony part.
Chapter 5, epilogue
And from now on I'm just gonna write things in order.
Or you can figure it out from travel locations.
Midnights in:
- Ponyville
- Town where Fluttershy lives
- Appleloosa (meanwhile Spike and Glimmer go to coal mining outpost)
- Teleportation to Coal Town
- Back to Appleloosa
9076861
alright thank you
I'm seeing a lot of little boxes that have
in them on this chapter (for example, after "A Letter to Doctor Van Neighsayer"). This could be an error anywhere from my brain to my computer to Fimfiction to you.
The plan is coming together! But Midnight didn't get the origin story, it might take quite a bit of thinking to uncover all the Elements...
Keep going! ;)
9077852
I'm not having this issue. I've checked chrome, safari a computer, and a phone.
The "Letter to Dr Van Neighsayer" part was in italics. Just on a hunch I tried changing it to smcaps. Please tell me how it looks now.
I see someone gave your comment a like, so you're probably are not the only one with this issue.
9078105
She's had the elements in her possession since chapter 1. Do you mean that some of these AU ponies might not have the qualities they need to activate them?
9078258
Yeah. Well, more like, it's less obvious/cartoon their qualities. Maybe. We'll see, won't we, dear author?
9078253
The little boxes are still there. It is apparently a normally invisible unicode symbol that means a line break which for some people loading some pages in Chrome on Windows will sometimes be visible.
It isn't very intrusive, just weird, and now I know it wasn't deliberate so there is no mystery to solve about their placement.
what are their plans with those guys
9147435
The Burgermeister, and I kinda regret using that title, is the lead official of the city. With him as her puppet, Lily can control the local government, or at least deter people from raiding their house with torches and pitchforks.
Dr Van Neighsayer first came seeking to kill the elements of harmony. He was turned into a zombie so that Lily could get information. He may know the whereabouts of the pillars of the enlightenment. This is the organization that provides the guiding principles by which ponies of AU Equestria live. They move about and keep their whereabouts a secret to avoid invasion from the North. If Lily wants this info, then she might be plotting to overthrow the government or Church.
Aside from that, they're good for hooficures, grape peeling, fanning, and doing all Lily's chores when Midnight isn't watching.
9147472
thats neat
My only complaint about this chapter (other than the weird formatting and spelling errors) is that I can't picture Maud as a damsel in distress. Or acting so scared. She's too stoic and hardcore for that.
9147894
You're right.
I considered using the, she's different in this universe excuse, but if I don't establish it in the story then I'm not entitled to get away with that. Besides main universe Maud is awesome.
Ooh! An insurrection?
It will be interesting to see all their reactions to Midnight's intent. Will they take up the cause willingly? Will they have the same elements? Did the tree produce the same elements at all?
Keep going! ;)
Just found this out, and I like it. It does lack the AU tag though, I believe you would rectify that.
Anyway, favored and anxiously awaiting for more
9170504
AU Tag added.
And then all the dung levitated into the air circulation blades!
True enough, they're the Elements of Harmony. What harmony that means however. Well...
Keep going! ;)
Intresting