- Member Since 25th May, 2015
- offline last seen January 8th
Werewolf Cheetara
Artist, Thundercat, Brony, Werewolf, Animator, Writer, Student, all badass
Werewolf Cheetara
Joined 25th May, 2015 ·
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Interesting...
Quite a few grammar issues, and it's a story about the Ultrasmurfs...
I shall give it a chance.
8550199
Yeah, I know. But, you can't deny they're not that terrible. Overrated, but not terrible.
8550136
I take it in a bad way, huh?
8550550
Quite the opposite infact, the plot armour is strong with them.
Please don't keep it that way.
8550966
Don't worry. Other chapters will be involved.
Lookin good so far. Keep up the good work
8551357
Thanks a lot.
Bad cover art and tag salad. Helluva welcome you put out there.
8550576
Don't you dare give yourself shit! This is a good start and I can definitely see it happening in the 40k universe. Sabotaged warp travel, unknown planet reached and so on. Keep up writing.
8552173
Bad cover art?
I like it and I look forward to more.
8552520
I personally love the cover art!
8552520
Also, don't listen to that neigh sayer. It's a good story off to a good start! And it's not a tag salad, the tags actually describs the story quite well. Again, looking forward to more chaptera.
8552991
I paid no mind to it really. Besides it's a place holder until I finish the color version.
8552991
Besides, I appreciate a little criticism.
8550550
I think Ultramarines might be one of the few Imperium factions that wouldn't exterminatus the whole system after finding a planet full of powerful xenos psykers. They are also one of the few that wouldn't utterly horrify ponies with their philosophy. I play Red Scorpions, Equestria would be a barren rock if Carab Culln found them.
After surviving a what? An assassination attempt? An extermination attempt? A navigation system sabotage attempt?
Just curious, lol
8553764
8553764
Did you not read the chapter?
8553757
Perhaps. But, many stories are open for interpretation.
8553929
I’m working my way through, but I just think the description is missing a word.
I'm rather liking this story, though I would've thought the space wolves would have raised some complaints that they were helping "xenos". Don't really know though, I play Imperial guard.
8554425
Probably. Though not as much as say the damned Inqustion.
8553947
Perhaps.
Huh, this updated quick.
Just a few nitpicks,
First off, when switching who is talking, make sure to do it on a different line.
E.g:
And, when they where coming into orbit, the jump was a bit jarring. Try explaining the feel of being dropped into orbit, or, maybe a P.O.V switch to the ponies?
Also, I can safely say that I was surprised at the appearance of the Space Wolves. But, I do have to question from a lore point of view, why where they there? Is this not a Ultramarine ship? And what about the White Scars?
On top of that, if you want to stick to the lore, (which, for this fact, I care little about.) You might want to talk about the Primus Marines.
And final lore nitpick, why the f
ck is the Chapter master apart of a scouting squad? I'm pretty sure there are designated non-Spacemarine personal for these things.
And whilst I understand the deployment of the S.Ms, the chaptermaster is a bit of a stretch.
-----
I hope this helps! ^_^
8556398
Okay, for the dialogue, I thought that's what I was doing this whole time. But, okay.
Secondly, I agree about the start, could use some more work.
Thirdly, as to the wolves and scars, the discription of Guilliman's crusade is rather vague in terms of Astartes chapters affiliated, except for the ultramarines and Imperial Fists. I figured that the wolves and scars would be great chapters to include, as well as others to come. Though the ship I don't recall being assigned to any chapter all together. So, the idea of having multiple chapters on board is not out of the question. I did include the Primaris Marines as well. Averon is a Primaris Captain after all. The Redemptor Dreadnaught should've been a dead give away. After all this is The Indomitous Crusade after all.
Finally, I don't recall using any Chapter Masters in the story. Company Captains, yes. But chapter masters, of course not.
Good points as far as Grammer, and storytelling. But as for the lore, you might wanna read closer. Not to say you don't know any of it. I'm just saying not to jump to conclusions without any evidence.
Oh boy it's rowboat girlyman
8556437
Ah, fail. Dx
Sorry, I was under the impression that Papa Smurf (forgot his actual name.) Has on the scouting team.
Sorry if it sounds like I'm coming off as a dick, as I'm sure you know, it's hard to convey vocal meaning in text.
I'm not claiming to know everything, I'm just a bit... Passionate about editing...
Sorry...
Edit note: Yeah... Really sorry about that. I don't really know much about the Primarus leigon, I've yet to dig into their lore fully. Maybe make it is bit more obvious for those who haven't done so?
8556509
Don't worry. There's plenty of story to make that happen.
Son, I'm disappointed. Why Roubute? Vulkan is clearly the perfect choice! If not available, then Corvus Corax XD.
8557161
They're uh...currently unavailable at this time. Said about something about a road trip to terra or something like that.
8557161
And making friends with jungle fighters and toads that bark.
Work on the spacing between paragraphs, don't mix dialogue from different characters in a single sentence or paragraph unless it's a bodily reaction or notice. The great evil of the Walls of Text is the damnation of us all.
foul
8557421
Damn!
8557283
8557335
VULKAN LIVES!
*STOMP STOMP*
CORAX LIVES!
*Weeps Uncontrollably*
ROUBUTE LIVES!
*SNOWFLAKE MARINES CHANT*
ROGAL LIVES!
*YAY~*
MAGNUS LIVES!
*-off in the distance- Fucking Heretic!*
LEMAN RUSS LIVES!
*CORGI CHARGE*
I need more! Please give me more!
8559651
Will do!
MORE BEFORE I SICK YUNO GASAI ON YOU!!
Shit be a brewing when Discord enters the play.
8569332
You have no idea.
8569381
I'll get the popcorn
Really? Ultrasmurfs without a single mention of Papa Smurf and I, Cato Sicarius?
8569785
Fuck off Sicarius!
8570824
8569785
You two are a disgrace. How can you mispronounce such a glorious name? Cato Sicarius? Wrong! It is Cunto Shitarius!
8570918
Sicarious: HOW DARE YOU MOCK A MOST GLORIOUS NAME SUCH AS I: CATO SICARIUS!!!
BAD FLURRY HEART NO WANDERING OFF!! NO COOKIES FOR YOU
Oh boy I can just imagine Twilight asking Guilliman a million questions a second
I'm finding it hard to believe Rarity being that stupid, she already had all of those gems.
Other wise this is entertaining.
Are none of the imperials gonna ask about the ponies almost reckless use of "Psyker" abilities?