Brother Sgt Vorn Aldor of the 9th company finds himself in an alternate Equestria. A three-way war wages across the once peaceful nation. Equestria stands bloody with Celestia at its helm. To the West Nightmare Moon controls all and finally to the North King Sombra once again reigns over the Crystal Empire.
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----I believe it is relevant to inform the few readers that this story is on indefinite hiatus. I am sorry.
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Which Side will the Imperial Fist Space Marine Aldor Choose? Most definitely Not Sombra's!!! So either Celestia or Nightmare Moon?
Also, he needs Power for his Suit, and more Ammunition for the Bolter, and more Grenades. But, sense he is in Equestria. It's Impossible!!!! 😔
Unless, the Ponies Magic might manufacture more? 🤔
10642284
Space Marine suits can be recharged easily, depending on your source those methods include solar and hydrogen. While it isn't as convenient as a humble las-mag, which a literal fire can charge, it is all the same reliable. With respect to the bolter rounds, and grenades that will come in time.
10642324
Many designs also feature their own onboard power plants.
It's hard to make a good 40k crossover. Unless you go full Funhammer and make up anything you want.
In any case, Vorn's first thoughts should've been about his squadmates. Astartes are soldiers and teamplayers, it's highlighted in many 40k sources. The only excuse he could have if he was a sole survivor.
What flashed across his HUD? There is a reason why infodumps like the one you have at the start is usually avoided.
One of the reasons not to give the readers such lists is becasue it's somewhat dull to read. Also, you just robbed yourself of many possibilities. What if your space marine needs more grenades of different types down the road? 40k has a wide variety of grenades, including rather zany ones like 'anti-plant'.
Butchered sentence. Try reading it again. If it doesn't sound right, re-write it. For example: 'A sense of comfort filled Vorn’s chest as he flexed the fingers of his powerfist'.
I wasn't aware that screaming 'Hey, any friendlies nearby? I'm lost!' was a part of Astartes training.
This is a dialogue in a story, not your army roster. I'm pretty sure that you should write 'brother-sergeant'.
Where is my comma, sergeant?
This sentence is bizzare and bloated. Astartes' power armor is good enough for combat in a vacuum of space. Talking about layers and the fact that the warrior himself is superhuman in somewhat redundant. And, as an author, you don't want redundant narration.
Any transmissions.
You really should proofread your stories before publishing.
Why the sound is presented as a dialogue? Clicking of the vox was presented differently.
Needs a comma after 'Fist'. Also, 'I am' should be the start of a new sentence.
Also, this is a clear example of 'Talking is a free action' trope. It also makes no sence. Someone ambushed our marine and uses psychic powers against him. Why would he waste his breath on talking when he should be busy defending himself?
'Old Terran' myths' or 'myths of old Terra'.
Ah, the proverbial fury of Charlie Chaplin...
He just ripped a few enemies to peaces in close combat. He also hates them with a passion because they are xenos. Why would he sound momotone?
Not only the alien would slow him down or might give him away, it's against the Imperial Creed. Unless ponies turn out to be created by humanity during the Golden Age (this might also explain the lack of language barrier), they are enemies.
Imperial Fists have their omophagea. Our space marine could have eaten Sunz' brains to gather information.
'There are' is missing. Also, without Vorn measuring the length of a day with his clock, this information is useless.
Passing out in the snow from exhaustion is 'sleeping peacefully'?
Good idea. I wish the minis were less funny for Centurions. The artwork made them out to be much more threatening.
10642284
Bold for you to assume that he would take any sides, this is like imperium seeing orks killing orks. Why would he intervene, as far as he sees it its win win situation for him. Hell he should make sure that war last as long as it does, lowering xenos population so that they could not be a threat in the future.
10643174
One; I DOUBT Equestria will be a "Threat" to the Imperium itself anyway. And Two; Aldor ( reluctantly) NEEDS help to find a portal back to the WH40K Universe, and to continue protecting Humanity to the REAL Threats ( Chaos and Daemons/Cults, Chaos Traitors, Evil Xenos like Orks, Tyranids, Necrons, Dark Eldar. And even questionable ones like the Normal Eldar, and the Tau.)
Plus, maybe Celestia or Nightmare Moon might help Aldor to go back to the WH40K. As long those two DON'T Betray, Or Use him. Because, Pissing Off a Literal Space Marine is the Worst Mistake in History!!!!
10643283
It does not matter if they are hostile or noy, xeno is a xeno. It is a matter of principal. Galaxy was promised for mankind, there is no text that says that imperium would share it. Even then he would not know about portals not to mention that ponies could even do such so he cannot base assumptions that they could with they primitive tech level throw him around the galaxy.
10643389
Then how the HECK can he escape Equestria by himself???!!!
It's not like Equestria has a Ship that he can steal ( Since Equestria is still the Medieval Age), or find a Portal on his own.
Besides, Aldor said it himself! He might have to get Celestia's help for a Teleporter/Portal to go back to Terra.
The Mirror Portal might help with that.
10643404
He does not need to rejoin imperium to do his duty. Its not like similar things have not happened before when space wolves squad was stranded on a planet with dark eldar. They just made months long campaign of guerilla warfare. And even if ponies could make portals to another planets, they would have done so already. And even if they had one, then why not just take it? Aldor would not know about portals, even eldar webway would not be that easy. So he cannot assume that they could do such, like in knights of macragge book. Sicarius when stranded on a planet with low tech, did not go around asking about magical portals from the locals.
10643421
Touche!
I just think Aldor "might" make a Alliance with Celestia or even Nightmare Moon. For his benefits of course.