Inception and Ponies. Very nice. Put on read later list!

>>929043929043 Hell yeah!

But why not read it NAOW?

>>929212929212

Because it's late at night and I don't have the time to read over 17,000 words! Sorry

Wait...17,000 WORDS?!

>>929341929341

Fair enough. I've been working graveyard shift for so long that I forget the people mostly do things during the day.

Seventeen thousand, five hundred and seventy-nine words in the prelude.

Image: http://fim.413chan.net/oc/src/134075457726-RARITY.gif

Yeah, I'll admit that the one thing I'm not is concise; Hell, the prelude alone is longer than entire fictions like 'Her Weight in Affection' and the legendary 'My Little Dashie.' And with thirteen chapters planed on top of that, this one will probably end up being longer that fictions like 'Anthropology' and 'The Games We Play'. Though it probably won't be as long as 'Background Pony'. And I swear to Celestia that even as wordy as I can be, this won't be the next 'Fallout: Equestria.'

But there is substance to everything written here, so it's all for the purpose of immersing the reading in the story we've written.

- Christian 'Verbose' Harisay

Alright, I'm going to put down words on this chapter only because it has been a couple weeks since I read the first two.  In a nutshell, why in the world don't you have more views?!?

This chapter really drew me in.  You have Twilight learning all about the dreamscape (and showing us the differences between Inception and this), you have Pinkie Pie being her general random self in a very believeable way, you've got Spike and a thief hovering in the background just begging for more development.

To top it off, you have an epic fight with Discord.

You know what?  That's what really sticks with me: the Discord fight.  I honestly did not believe anyone could capture Discord as well as you just did, and that was just a projection of him.  I especially like the point where he yells, "Draw!" and literally draws out his weapon on a pad of paper before reaching in and pulling it into dream-reality.  Then Pinkie Pie does the same thing but pulls out Twilight instead?  Fantastic!  And when you revealed that Discord was being projected and empowered through Pinkie, the Fridge Brilliance of the scene really shines through.  Discord pulling his own version of a party cannon, Pinkie copying all of his tricks, even the way Pinkie is terrified of the sheer insanity of the mutating world all fits in with exactly why Pinkie had no problems getting rid of Discord in the show (after a delay or two for chocolate milk rain).  Chaos can be fun.  Complete chaos can knock your shoes off.  I think it could really make Pinkie Pie a very complex character in the near future.

Now, I can't go all praise and no constructive criticism.  I myself felt that there were too many references made within this chapter.  It wasn't that there were a lot of them out of place (indeed, some actually really fit in with the craziness), it was simply the sheer volume of them being shot at me one after the other started breaking my suspension of disbelief.  It wasn't horrible, just that I felt every once in a while I had simply dropped out of a story and onto Memebase before reaching the next paragraph and falling back into the story.

Overall, great start (48,000 words is the start?  o.O).  I sincerely hope your viewership picks up despite the imposingly large chapters.  I hear that submitting the story to groups really helps with exposure, but I wouldn't know personally.  Would recommend to others at this point.

>>985049985049 Well, thanks for commenting regardless.

Why doesn't this have more views? Could be a whole slew of reasons. The pessimist in me says that everything I'm involved in, no matter how grand it may be, is damned to fade into anonymity and remain forever unsung and overshadowed by all those wonderful things I so wished I could walk amongst. The more reasonable concept is that I just don't know what it is that makes people notice something and celebrate it en masse. Another is that I don't have the best comprehensive grasp on advertising or how to get their attention. Maybe it's because we're relatively unknown writers posting a story about ponies on a site full of stories about ponies (how original). Or maybe most people just take one look at this and think "TL;DR." But then there are things that just throw me for a loop, like how I posted all three chapters and the current cover image (the first of many for the marketing campaign we'd planned for this) on my dA account, and then submitted said image and the prelude to the biggest FiM group on this site. The cover image pulled more favorites in two weeks than my other most celebrated work pulled in four years, while reception to the actual story the image was meant to promote remains fairly tepid.

In layman's terms, I just don't know what went wrong.

But I'm glad that you'll be along for the ride based on what one chapter had to offer. Having Twilight studying a new form of magic (though not a terribly original plot device, I'll admit) was our way of bringing the two unlike concepts together while at the same time reteaching the reader about something they're already familiar to along with the changes we made to the functions of dream magic for the sake of the story; glad you picked up on that. As for writing Pinkie, she may be bonkers, but there is some resemblance of cohesion to her abstract and erratic way of thinking (having a dad and the younger brother that I'm writing this with who are as scatter-brained as they are prepares one for the task of writing for a character like that). And don't worry; Spike and codename: "the thief" are going to both get a lot of development over the coming chapters.

My vote for 'Best Discord' would still go to the characterization in erza09's story, 'Discordant', but thanks for the praise and kind words (and I do think I wrote him out fairly well myself). What's really interesting though is that as is explained with the definition in the link you provided, I didn't realize just how profound the subtle connections between Pinkie and her projection of Discord and the eureka moment of their reveal is until you pointed it out. I knew it was important that the two characters be in some way tied together and parallels between them drawn, and we do have plans for how to further develop and explain their relationship for later chapters, but the expanse of just how deep and complex we can take that idea didn't really come to me in full until you brought it up. So, thank you for that. Just another one of those perks that can come from the creative process... much like how the fight scene ended up being written. (Thanks for referring to it as "epic," by the way.)

In hindsight, I did probably go a little too overboard with the Easter eggs and references to outside material, but most if not all of then were meant to serve the story in some way. And in all actuality, there have actually been a lot of them made even before this chapter, but most have been so subtle and worked their way into the story flow so well that they're even hard for me to notice, even when I was the one who wrote them there. Like back in the prelude, Nega-Spike's line "You tried to kill me off... well surprise, I remain!" is taken directly from an Alice in Chains song called 'Acid Bubble,' and  this chapter got it's name from the first song of the KoRn album, The Path of Totality. Little nuggets and nods here and there woven into the narrative so that they can remain hidden even in plain sight.

The more obvious ones, like all the obvious ones in this chapter and Pinkie playing 'Coming Undone' (another one by KoRn) in the previous chapter have all come about by me using (and abusing) Pinkie's widely known ability to break the fourth wall. In fact, Discord making his own little jokes to outside sources when Pinkie up to this point has been the only other one to make them was supposed to be another way of subtly indicating the direct relationship between them, namely when Twilight demands to know what Discord's new scheme is, and he responds by recounting events from Fight Club, to which Pinkie replies that he's "breaking the first to rules" (which, in case you didn't know, are; '1. Do not talk about Fight Club' and '2. Do NOT talk about Fight Club.') But yeah, even when near the end the whole point was for the dream world to be utterly consumed by chaos, I'll admit, I probably went too far, especially when the story essentially stops for the sake of an insert, like with the Gorillaz bits and the stag-bull chasing the space stallion (that's a four-part Mastodon Easter Egg, by the way). The painfully obvious ones like Nyan Cat and Charlie the Unicorn I probably could've done without, and some of them didn't even end up working that well, like the whole thing with Discord's look of deadpanned dismay being similar to one Pinkie made whist making a big-ass omelet was supposed to be a reference to the Epic Meal Time episode, The Ostrich Nest. So I'll try to tone it down with the Easter Eggs, or at least make them all more subtle.

Oh, and speaking of Easter Eggs, did you get what the thing-pony was supposed to be in reference to?

I've thought about looking into groups (that's what go me so many dA favs), but I don't know which groups I could submit this to, or even what kinds of groups are out there. (Perhaps I should look...) I predict this will pick up eventually; we'll just have to really focus a lot more on the advertising art to get the word out. What little reputation this does have is already positive, so it's just a matter of getting more people to read it and letting a popularity build up advertise itself. And when this does make it to Equestria Daily (which we will submit to when we've got the finalized cover image,) you got to be one of the select few to brag "in b4 feature."

- Christian 'Holy Sht This Guy Talks a LOT' Harisay

Can't wait to read this!  Gonna start right now.

I fell for it again!  Why do I alwsays fall for it!  ARGH!!! First inception, then this story.  I'm hopeless!  

Alrighty, my notes on this chapter.

1. I can hear Cobb's voice in my head while she reads.  It's pretty epic.  

2. Caught an error.  In the story, you say this: “So then,” Twilight said, regaining her composure; “this is a dream world looks like.”

It should be "this is what a dream world looks like."

3.  Didn't catch me this time!  I actually KNEW it was a dream with in a dream.  I'm not pathetic!   Yay!

4. What was the ghost Pinkie was talking about?  I have a feeling that it's a reference to Harry Potter, but I'm not sure.

5. Cupcake cake!   CAKECEPTION!!!

6. Pinkie Pie somehow is an expert on dream science.  I guess that makes sense...in a Pinkie way.

Finally, I would like to say how wonderful this story is turning out to be.  I have read one other Inception/Pony crossover called "The Regal Dream."  Unfortunately, while I did finish it, and at times found it interesting, it followed the plot of the movie too closely to be truely good.  In other words, it was too "cut-and-paste."  Meanwhile, THIS story has tons of originality to it, and that is the reason that I think that it will succeed.  Keep in mind that you don't need to follow the movie exactly.  You don't need someone to get shot on the first level, you don't need someone driving an equivilent of a car on the first level, etc.  A good Inception crossover takes the science of Inception, but the plot and characters of the other half.  This keeps the story fresh.  Luckily,  this seems to be the direction that you are already taking, so I have high hopes that this will be a great story!

In other news, this is the longest comment I have ever written.  

Another long comment, coming up!

1.  YOU MADE A REFERENCE TO BACK TO THE FUTURE!!!  

2. Pinkie Pie - Architect from HELL!  

3. Oh dear God.  Discord is Mal.  Celestia fuck me with her forehooves.

(Why yes, I did just read Fallout Equestria!  However did you guess? )

4. Just read my last comment.  "Gonna start right now." Meanwhile, many hours later...

Summary - This story just gets better and better.  I agree with the other commenter, Discord is brilliant!  And I love the build-up to the actual main event.  I'm sticking to your story like Littlepip to Party-Time Mint-Als!  (There's that Fallout Equestria again! )

>>10520461052046

Problem?

That actually does clear up something for me, though; I was always wondering whether or not the illusion of reality worked, so it's good to know I got that part right.

>>10524121052412

- I never really intended the reader to hear Cob (btw, it's just one 'b'; his name is not only an anagram, it's an Easter Egg of sorts) over Twilight's reading of his speech, but it's cool that you find him characterized enough to hear him.

- Damn typos. I swear... anyway thanks for pointing that out. Fixed.

- Blast! You win this round... so why didn't you fall for it this time?

- Actually, that's not a projection of Pinkie, that's actually Pinkie; she explains that she managed to worm her way into Twilight's dream both by reading Twilight's notes on the subject (hence why she displayed a comprehensive grasp of the subject) and through usual Pinkie antics. And the blatant Easter Egg is actually supposed to be a reference to the music video for Coming Undone by KoRn. Funny thing is that when writing out how the dream was collapsing, I wanted to throw that bonus in there, but couldn't figure out how to do it without using Pinkie to introduce it. But then I found that introducing Pinkie in this chapter instead of the next like we'd originally planned worked better and had a better set up for future events. So I got my Easter Egg and a better flowing chapter out of it, so it's all good.

- "That many cakes within cakes is too delicious."

I have seen one or two fictions with the premise of Inception, but one I didn't read and the other was copy-pasta in the worst possible way. Haven't heard of 'The Regal Dream', perhaps I should look into it. Still, I'm glad you along for the ride and that you like it so much. And back from when Joseph and I first started writing this, we did want it to be original, so we structured it in a way that let us have both ponies, Inception, and originality, all while making the fusion of such distant concepts believable. And having it be a field of research Twilight is studying was our way of bringing the two together while showing what we'd changed for the sake of the story. And as good as it all may seem, there's still more establishments and twists to come, meaning this is just technically build up for what's still to come.

And I'm happy to have inspired such a long comment. Makes it all just that much more worthwhile.

>>10529461052946

- Hey, you caught it! But actually, I made not one but two references to Back To The Future; one with the Wake-Up Juice, the other is where Twilight meets Pinkie at Sugarcube Corner; Pinkie's bit about asking if Twilight is trying to read minds is based off of this scene.

- Figured if there was a good way to illustrate the dangers of over-manipulation and the repercussions of crossing that line, it'd be with Pinkie going off-the-wall overboard with it, Because Pinkie be crazy.

- I never really drew a parallel between the projections of Discord and Mal, nor was he written in to fill a Mal- archetype, but come to think of think, I suppose technically they have a few similarities, if for nothing else they exist in the same way and both are actively antagonistic entities symbolic of and created from a protagonists own insecurities. But Discord isn't the main antagonist of the story; the dark dragon from the prelude is.

- Don't worry, I do that all the time.

And hey, someone else who's out-of-their-fcking mind obsessed with ponies enough to read Fallout: Equestria! But Littlepip kicks her addiction to Mint-Als, if anything, I'd hope the analogy that could be derived here is that you're Littlepip, and this story is Homage.

- Christian 'Triple Play' Harisay

>>10594941059494

1.  I don't know if you realize this, but I'm the same guy that has been submitting this to all the groups on deviantart.  You might know already since I have the same username on both.  Carrying conversations on two websites is going to be confusing.

2. Didn't fall for it because I was expecting it.  Fool me once and all that.  No grand meaningful reason

3. Regal Dream isn't bad, but this is a MUCH better Inception crossover.  While Regal Dream has enough originality in it to make it work, it follows the movie too closely.  For example, Luna replaces Saito, so she must get wounded on level one.  Similarly, Fluttershy replaces Yusef, so she must fly the others around in a chariot or somthing on level one.  Point is, it made the story preditable in a lot of ways.  But it still isn't that bad.  This is just better.  

4. I caught both Back to the Future references.  It's one of my favorite movies of all time.  My personal favorite line to quote is "I'm just not very good at...confrontations."  Of course, I've been quoting it for years, and my Mom still never gets it.  

5. Aww, I like that Homage allusion!  That made me !  Honestly, I was just trying to be clever :3

>>10594941059494  Guess who just figured out how to use groups?  

Poor Spike.

He finally wins his love just to loose it again.

>>10891901089190

- Yeah, kinda figured. Same user name and all that.

- Ah, I see; having the wool pulled over your eyes once put your guard up.

- I think I see what you mean. By your description, The Regal Dream sounds like a story about inception retold with ponies, whereas this is a story about ponies told by way of inception. Though while Regal Dream captures the feel of the source material better than this does (at least that's what I presume) but looses originality from how much within the safe zone it stays, my concern with this has been that it my be it's own original story, but at times I wonder if we've strayed a bit to far from the movie. MLP and Inception are both completely different genres, and while there's certainly enough open character interpretation to MLP, even with creative licensing, some of that feel of the original gets lost when retooling it for a story that ponies could easily occupy. Inception as a lot of depth to it by way of its style; there's a lot of crime-drama and neo-noir elements to it, and that helps establish the film's cannon and enhance it's substance. MLP already has it's own cannon and substance, so a direct inclusion of that style wouldn't have worked and would be a bit jarring. Now, I do what I can to include that style where applicable to try and strike a balance between to two, but to be honest, at times I'm not certain it it's properly in tune.

- The same love for Back to The Future goes for Joseph, too. (He still has my special edition 20-year anniversary DVD box set. Dick.) I do the same thing, but with songs or lyrics to songs that I know. No one ever seems to get it, though.

- Well, thanks. Perhaps I should begin keeping track of all the times you fangasm over this, too.

>>10911501091150 Oh really? Please, do explain.

- Christian 'That Makes Nine' Harisay

>>10921211092121

It's actually even more cruel than that; he deceives himself through his dream that he wins over Rarity, then loses that falsely-based euphoria when he wakes up back into a world where he never had her in the first place, but the memories of that single moment of happiness lingers to haunt him like a ghost in the attic.

But fret not too greatly; they'll be a lot more development of the love triangle involving Spike and Rarity in the coming chapters.

- Christian 'The Love Guru' Harisay

>>10938501093850  I accidently clicked out and lost my comment.  Fk!!!!!!!!!!!   It was already 3 paragraphs long!    I'll try to keep it short this time.  I'm gonna type fast, so excuse any spelling/grammer.

Your analysis of what went wrong in Regal dream was correct, funny since you didn't read it.  Don't regret reading it, wouldn't read it again, wouldn't reccomened it   Don't push the genre of Inception too much, because you already have the perfect blend of the two here.  Dark enough to be interesting, but light enough to be believable.  You have not strayed too far from the movie, you've strayed just far enough.  This is by far the best Inception crossover that I have read, mainly because of how it USES Inception and channels it, instead of just transposing the other 'half' of the crossover into Inception.  You have already succeeded where others have failed, and I have high hopes for this story.  Don't try to force elements of crime-drama into it; use the concepts of Inception and the characters of MLP to create your own story - that's the secret to success.

I started to explain groups, and that's when I accidently clicked Add Group and messed up.  You can look it up in the FAQ, but the trick is to go to the submenu under your user name and click on 'groups'.  That's the part I had trouble with.  There's more, but CELESTIA'S SOLAR-FLARING ORGASMS, I'M NOT FKING TYPING IT AGAIN!!! (Damn computers...)

...I love Littlepip's curses!  

*insert more positive critical commentary that I no longer feel like typing out here*

Interesting story. Good premise and quite well written.

I am pleased that instead of being an exact copy of the film it just takes inspiration from it instead. There is little point in reading a carbon copy of a film I have already seen with ponies replacing major characters.

I don't mind references (if tactful) as long as you keep in mind to not make them in overwhelming numbers. Just because you can make a 'perfect' reference, doesn't mean you always should.

I don't mind gargantuan chapters but I suspect it is somewhat daunting for some people. You may want to consider cutting them down into sub chapters with out changing any content to make it more easily digestible for others but I don't care either way.

Why would anypony what those things

I fond, I fond!

why would anypony want those things?

Anyway, Inceptions and Ponies, good story.

>>14994441499444 Noted and fixed. Thanks.

In all honesty, I'm already aware that there are probably a sht load of typos in this story, so we've scheduled to go back and make the needed edits some time after we begin working on chapter five, since there was something I needed to go back and change to fit with something I was building up to in that chapter anyway.

But thanks for your interest regardless.

- Christian 'Eye Kant Speel' Harisay

great story. I guess sometime soon Twilight will wake up and ask all of her friends to help clean the daemon from Spike's mind and soul.

>>15320251532025 Correct, but not entirely accurate; Avarice is the primary antagonist of this story and the Mane Six will fight him eventually, but we've got a lot more ground to cover first. Rainbow, Rarity, Applejack and Fluttershy have yet to be introduced to the Dreamscape Spell, there's the mostly off-screen issue of Pinkie's growing instability that needs to be resolved, Spike and Avarice need more on-screen time to develop their characters, we haven't even introduced Princess Luna yet and in order for this to be a proper Inception spin-off, Twilight will need to discover extraction and inception, and she hasn't yet. But she will, and soon. Very soon...

Image: http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/188/441/imagesCAKBCN2I.jpg

Also, Avarice isn't a demon; he's Spike's alternate personality/dissociative identity. As the description states, he's Spike's natural instinct for greed, except (as the events in the prelude allude to) it's not just an instinct anymore; Avarice is a sentient conscious, But because of the connection the two have, in a vague, slightly disturbing way, Avarice is Spike (is Avarice).

- Christian 'It's all coming together' Harisay

I like Avarice.  I really do.  Kinda like a sir.  Only vicious.

I also realize that Twilight will likely be forcefully ejected from the dream.  This brings up the wonderful conundrum of what is going to happen in the short forever it takes for her to wake up Spike from his still ongoing dream.

On a second readthrough, I'm catching more and more of the asides Pinkie makes.  This is disturbing and I'm absolutely thrilled you're making Pinkie just as disturbed as I am.  Great back and forth with Twilight there.  She was really in her element.

For science. And friendship.

I did find myself a bit confused.  Spike seems aware that his dream isn't quite reality and seems to recognize that Rarity is not real (as well as accepting that Twilight is also a projection).  Rarity seems to also know this to some extent, but by Twilight's notes, this shouldn't really happen.  Unless of course you're really letting her get to be puppeteered just like Discord due to her close place in Spike's heart...

Looking forward to the next chappy.

>>16769731676973 I was hoping to hear from you again.

Glad to know that Avarice has likability as a villain... though I'm not quite sure what you mean by your analogy of comparing him to "a sir." (lol, i'm twelve) He's fun to write for, but at the same time, he's without a doubt the hardest character to write.

There's definitely going to be a scene about what goes on between Spike and Avarice for those last few minutes of the dream, and I'm already planning it out in my head. However, not to give anything away, but the direction we're going to take is probably going to surprise everyone who reads this... "short forever"s indeed.

You approval for our portrayal of Pinkie means a lot to me; really, it does. In fact, if that's one thing that this story gets praised for (if it ever gets wider recognition) , I'll have you partially to thank for that. That whole fight with Discord was initially just a concept to act as a set-up for future intertwining events, and as clever as I thought it was I don't think I fully realized just how ingenious what I'd written was until you showed up and pointed out just how and why you thought it was so fcking brilliant. That made me go back and think about how to make Pinkie's entire involvement in the story, both her character and her subplot all the more profound. As a whole it's actually remained pretty much the same from how we'd initially planned it in the first draft of the outline, over eight months ago, but what's changed is the amount of polish and fine tuning. Again, not to give anything away, but by the time that arc of the story is finished, I think you'll be as satisfied as you will be blown out of your mind... especially when the source of the anomaly is revealed.

About that; the deal with Rarity is in fact largely intended to be reflective of Spike's current mental situation. At the same time though, what Spike says to Twilight and the little things that have been happening with Spike was supposed to indicate that the battle with Avarice has been an ongoing, reoccurring dream that he's been experiencing since his alter ego showed up all that time ago. He has the upper hand now, but he's fighting a losing battle, and he knows this. So his projection of Rarity, being born of his subconscious and the integral piece of his efforts against Avarice (notice how Spike wasn't able to close the doors until she showed up ) would intrinsically be privy to this information, even if she's just a insentient projection. However, sine Spike has been having this dream for a while, he knows that the Rarity in his dreams is nothing more than that; in his dreams. The whole scene was meant to further solidify the relationship between Spike and Rarity; just how important she is to him and how hopelessly unrequited his affection is... and as a piece of evidence to eventually clue Twilight in on just what they'll need to do to help Spike with the problems that he's having with... himself.

Looking forward to the next chapter? So am I; chapter four is going to be unique not only because of a MAJOR turn of events, but because I'm not actually writing it. It's actually being written by a third writer that I brought on while chapter three was still in the works when they came forward and offered to help. So it will be slightly different stylistically (and most likely not as long), but I get to discover it much in the same way you get to, so it's like falling in love with the story all over again. I did, however, get to proofread the first twelve pages for critique, and they were fantastic.

So even though I took the back seat for chapter four, I still eagerly anticipate your feedback almost as much as I'm looking forward to reading it myself.

- Christian 'Back Seat Writer' Harisay

Dude, you thought that your fic resembled mine or mine resembled yours? Nah, this is brilliant! Your execution is totally different from mine although we're dealing with the same subject matter. Keep going!

>>19903751990375 The executions may be vastly different, but both stories deal with similar themes, and I didn't want to encroach too much onto your turf. (Or, for that matter, get overshadowed.)

Oh, we have nothing but intentions to continue; in fact, I just finished revisions to chapter four last night and all we've got left to do is run it past our editor before it hits the net.

... So, how far have you gotten, and what do you think so far?

(B the way, I'm still going through your story, just haven't had the time to write something nice on it. Been busy and all.)

- Christian 'Needs to stop digging for opinions' Harisay

Well, you all certantly outdid yourselves. This was a true masterpiece, i commend you on it!

So alone... Give Twilight a good book and downtime cause that was brutal. Dangers of insanity in limbo highly justified. Good job. Now i need to sleep before reading this again. Further comments later.

Amazing chapter, as per usual!

>>20345592034559 Thank you! I'll take the use of the word 'masterpiece' that this chapter was a success; commendations accepted. May we continue to surpass audience expectations with further installments.

>>20349312034931 If there's anybody that needs some downtime as badly, it's Brian, because he was working on this chapter for about five months, the last of which with an injured wrist. It's good to see that effort hit with the force we wanted it too; it's a nice assurance that this near seventeen thousand roller coaster assault on the feels wasn't for waste.

You know I'll really be looking forward to that; you always do leave the best insightful reviews.

>>20368272036827 Thanks. BTW, I'll have this up on dA soon, so you know what that means...

- Christian 'Wanted as an accessory for multiple accounts of assault on the feels' Harisay

>>20449632044963

please do! i will be looking forward to it!

>>20449782044978 Continue it will; I'd already started writing out scenes for chapter five a month ago, Brian and I are discussing the chapter structure in more detail, and Joseph is penning rough drafts for scenes all the way in chapter six.

We shall see this to the end.

- Christian 'Would you even know if it was me?' Harisay

>>20472622047262

excellent, i will be looking forward to it!

you two sure make a good team, you know that?

Well, of course now I feel obligated to give you a first-impression critique too.

This is going to grow into some kind of literary critique competition. I just know it. All gonna end in tears, I tell you.

Okay, so let's see here...

I'm not exactly sure what to say, and I don't have the time to scroll through all that again, so- ah, there we go. I think your chapters may be a mite too long. 15k words is a great deal to read in one sitting, and it almost feels like a chore when you see such a long chapter and know you're about to read it. I would advise splitting these up some more into 4-7k pieces, if you could. It's an entirely organizational change, but surprisingly effective.

Also, I personally think that much of this prologue is simply unnecessary. Firstly, because prologues in general are unnecessary. If you have to separate it from the rest of the story by labeling it as a prologue, then why are you writing it? It's not part of the story, right? It doesn't help that a good portion of this particular prologue is a retelling of an episode. I can understand why you may want to put it in to set a mood or something, but that could also be done with a flashback and, if you did put it in for such a purpose, why call it a prologue?

I wrote too much about that...

As I read this, I found myself wondering when Spike suddenly became a badass. Jumping off of walls and doing kicks and shit. I thought he liked to bake cookies and wear aprons? I actually found myself smiling a little at the image of Spike fighting like that, with his stubby little tail and overall pudginess. I just found it a little out of character for him, though I suppose the drive to defend Rarity could explain it...

Also, I just want to say that I knew he was dreaming almost immediately. Rarity talking like that? Gotta be a dream. There's no ship tag. Or there is, and I just didn't see it. Still, I think you did a good job of hinting at it without outright saying it. Curious as to the actual point of him being in a dream within a dream. The little snippet of the first level dream doesn't seem to contain much importance.

Overall though, I would say it's a good fic. The plot seems nice (from this viewpoint anyways), and I'm pleased that this isn't a direct copy of Inception, but I can see where you're going with it.

>>20501582050158 This... this is a good critique. You and RampantArcana ought to get along together well.

You know, I wasn't even attempting to insight a 'one-up' contest; I just write that much in my critiques naturally. (I know the meaning of the word 'concise,' but I utterly fail to understand it.) But since you brought it up...

Image: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lmqc144pTW1qaylh3o1_500.jpg

I've considered the word length to be a problem for some readers, and that the sheer size and demands on time might turn away others on that merit alone... but counter-intuitively, some of the most popular fictions in the entire community are also some of the most ass-numbingly long pieces of literature that you'll ever read in your entire life. Background Pony is over 420,000 words, Fallout: Equestria is longer than Atlas Shrugged, and the ongoing CRYSIS: Equestria just needs one more chapter before it's longer than even that; all of which have at least one chapter that's over forty thousand words. I think it's just a matter of finding an audience... or getting lucky.

No, you didn't take too long on that. (You, insinuating to me, that you took to long explaining something... that's funny ) You actually do bring up some valid points, and I'd even thought about some of them myself both during the initial write and the ongoing edits. However, I'm glad you brought it up, because this means I get to gush about our design process now.

The prelude had two main goals that we wanted it to accomplish; the first was to set up the main antagonist, and the other was to give a little depth into the relationship (or lack thereof) between Spike and Rarity. Both are integral parts of the story, and both will be topics covered over the rest of it. Originally, we hadn't planned on having the story open up with the events of 'Secret of My Excess' and the first draft that Joseph wrote actually started where Twilight and Spike get back to the library. However, after reading it, I felt that it would be the most expedient to start the story in the events that the main conflict is rooted in, thus giving the story more depth and providing the reader with more understanding of the main antagonist by showing the very beginnings from where he came.

The reason this is a prelude and not the first chapter (something that I'd considered doing too) is because, as chapter one will set up, this event is isolated in the timeline of the rest of the story, which takes place in a consecutive block about six months later. I thought it would be fitting to call it a prelude since it takes place so much earlier than the rest of the story, and because I'll admit that I have a personal biased against using flashbacks to tell a story.

As for bad-ass Spike... I'll admit that's a touch of novice writing We (Joseph and I; Brian didn't become involved with the project until halfway through chapter three) figured that the first thing the bad guy would do when he finally meets Spike in his more primal form would be he would attack straight away. The slight bits of being over-the-top was just us being n00bs, but you're right to pick up on them being in a dream and Spike defending Rarity as contributing factors, so it at least had a little thought behind it.

Well, if you figured it out so quickly, we probably won't be able to pull that many fast ones on you. Again, the purpose of that was supposed to reflect the kind of relationship Spike pines to share with Rarity... though it's still perhaps a tad overdone if you picked up on it so quickly. (The original version was even worse. I had literally just posted the edited version before you read it, and the biggest portion of the over 2,000 words that I cut were devoted to, as Vimbert so disdainfully called it, Rarilust.)

After working on this story for almost a year, I still don't know how to use FiM's tag system to best classify this. If I could call it was it is, it'd be listed as an action-drama. But guess what? FiM doesn't have a drama tag (even though I say it needs one). I'm still hung up whether I should include 'dark' and 'romantic' tags, and I only added 'crossover' (it's more of a hybridization, really) because I though it would be odd if I tried to upload it to the Crossover Group if it didn't have that label.

The level one dream was there so there could be a level two and three dreams to show how far down Spike originally confined Avy. In actuality, the dream starts in level one with the generalized narration of rebuilding the town and was supposed to seamlessly transitions into level two where they're on the bridge when "time seemed to lose coherence." Glad you enjoyed the subtly of it though, and that you enjoy the story thus far.

I highly anticipate your thoughts on chapter one.

>>20485972048597 Thanks, but it's three of us working on this. Myself; my youngest brother Joseph, who came up with the idea to combine ponies with Inception and wrote the first rough drafts; and our older brother Brian, a former pony descenter who liked what we'd written enough that he wanted to help us write it, and who wrote the majority of chapter four. (Seriously, I only wrote five scenes in that chapter.)

- Christian 'It's On!' Harisay

Well, I must say that I liked this chapter much more than the last. Of course, that could plausibly be because I read it in two parts, or because it's shorter, or because I didn't feel like I was reading a synopsis for an old episode, or because of this great music I'm listening to. I prefer to think it was the writing.

First: a few typos in here. You mispelled appetite as "apatite" or something. Also, you used latter instead of later somewhere. I know there's another one, but I can't remember it. On to the story itself.

One thing I notice here is that you tend to explain all the little details you put in. Like, for example, you have Twilight come up with a guess as to why that one book has no words in it. Though this may simply be a matter of personal writing style, I think it is usually better not to explain such things, but to instead let your audience infer it themselves. Remember that they're not stupid. Either way, the potential mystery behind why one book had no writing would have been more interesting than the conclusion she draws. Though we can probably figure out the reason ourselves with the hints you offered, it is still more fun since we the readers can't actually be sure. At the same time, if there is a logical backstory behind it, then it'll probably be at least a half-decent mystery. You'll see me doing that plenty in my own writing; there are many things in the Outer World that I let happen, but I don't explain them because, well, Dissy wouldn't understand them anyways and they're more intriguing is mysteries than features. Admittedly, a logical conclusion is in character for Twilight, and so is being right, but I think her mental responses to the events would be better as a question.

I like the little notes she takes. It's very Twilight and allows you to put in some exposition and contemplation without needing a second character.

I found myself questioning whether it was in character for Twilight to test this spell without a contingency plan. Although she could get excited about the spell, I imagine that "work out escape plan" would be on her checklist somewhere. And she dodecachecked it. Or whatever that word is. I was abit skeptical that she wouldn't have some kind of preparation for a spell or dream failure, but was willing to put it aside for the sake of the plot. Gotta have plot, after all.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before and forgive me if I have, but on the subject of parentheses: they should never be used. Simply never. It's kind've like writing a prologue, except a prologue is sometimes justifiable and necessary. As for parentheses, on the other hand... if you have to use specific marks because the comment is so out of place, then why would you make the comment at all? If you want to keep it in, then you can easily rearrange the wording to get it there without those awkward half-circles. Look at this:

"Twilight recognized that hoof-writing (or perhaps it was more accurate to say ‘horn-writing’) anywhere."

It could just as easily be written as:

"Twilight recognized that hoof-writing anywhere. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say horn-writing?, she mused."

The comment can stay, and the parentheses are no longer a problem. How often do you see those things in big, successful stories? Since this story is first-person anyways, all of the aside comments can easily be written as thoughts. It just flows better, and doesn't interrupt the reader's thought process.

That'll be all. I certainly can't say as many bad things about this chapter than the last. Gonna go on reading the next... eventually...

Golden 'I missed my latest chapter's deadline' Wing42

>>20807822080782 Oh? What might you have been listening to?

Duly noted; thanks. I fixed the typos and the parentheses issue in the google.docs file; going to wait to fix it up here until our editor to gets back to me to tell me what else I fcked up. (Could be a while, though; Vimbert the Unimpressive is a busy man.)

Should probably just go ahead and fix what I can anyway... hmm, later...

Also, bear in mind that chapters two and three are more more raw (two in particular), so I apologize if the pacing and typos are particularly jarring.

I will admit that this was sort of like my chapter four during the initial write. I understood the story structure and what I was doing better, and with the prelude out of the way I could focus on the real block of the story. It also didn't need to be as long since it was pretty much just about the Dreamscape Spell, giving the overall chapter a nice beginning/middle/end structure.

I'll admit that my tendency to explain (if perhaps over-explain) everything is a stylistic trait, born probably of both my inability to be concise and slight insecurity that something fairly crucial might be missed if I don't explicitly bring it up. Though there is partial backing for that design decision. The very first night that Joseph and I started talking about this idea (would've been over a year ago by now... hard to believe it's been that long), we determined that the best way to meld these two unlike concepts together was by having Twilight learning about the magic in a linear arch so that this alien concept in an alternate universe developed together, intermingling naturally, as opposed to throwing all of these things at the audience in the first act then using the majority of the second explaining what we saw.

Progressing this through Twilight's field tests and documentation in the logs was our way of hybridization of the show and the movie, and retelling everything gave us the opportunity to rewrite some of the rules if the story called for it. However, I'll admit that my verbose tenancies have a knack for over-doing it every now and then, and some of the logs get a bit redundant and overly long, especially the one in chapter three. I'll probably have to cut that one down or just take it out entirely.

(Speaking of the entries, i dun goofed bad with the timeline on them. Before we post chapter five, I'm going to go back and fix that.)

As for Twilight not having a plan to escape (or have a soundtrack to it (had to get in my daily In Flames reference)), I'll admit that this was a bit of a lampshade bedecking on my part. I didn't have a good explanation for it then (still don't even now ), so I just put it out there and moved on. It's a little bump in the suspension of disbelief, but there shouldn't be any problems like that in further installments. Now you see why I usually like to explain everything.

Speaking of explaining everything, you should be glad to know that while I do describe and call attention to a lot of things to tie the numerous plot points we've got floating around all together, this won't be a reoccurring consistency throughout the story. There'll be plenty of ambiguous and inconspicuous tidbits that won't come into play or be explained/debunked until later, if we even explain them at all. (There is major one concerning Spike...) In fact, pretty much the entire final third of this chapter is just foreshadowing for future events to come, and the entire story will have enough of Chekhov's guns to make Kkat proud. (In fact, I actually went back and looked over how many things I brought up in that last third  that we end up coming back to later... I counted no less than eight separate instances.)

I do feel compelled to ask for the sake of bettering my writing skills; was it if ever obvious that Twilight was in a dream from the start, and how did I handle the part where she thinks Pinkie and the Cakes died? I did purposefully spend less time on that part to try to make the impact more blunt, but I don't know if I got the emotional impact down well enough.

Oh, and I did finish chapter four of Omega. I should have my review written sometime by tomorrow.

- Christian 'GET YOUR FORESHADOWING, HERE!' Harisay

>>20876162087616

In response to your questions:

1.

It was immediately apparent to me that Twilight was in a dream there. I expect it would be obvious to other readers too because, well... we've all had dreams before.

The unexplained absence of Spike and Owly (I refuse to try spelling that) was a pretty big sign. I would think that, in reality, they might have said something to Twi if the library was burning down rather than just leaving her there. This followed by the sudden combustion of all of Ponyville, with a similarly unexplained absence of everypony in town, only made things more obvious. Then it turns out all of Equestria is on fire and I'm just wondering when she's gonna wake up.

Coincidentally, I had actually been expecting her to wake up to fire, because when she fell asleep you mentioned the candelight. So when the dream started to collapse, I figured perhaps the candle had fallen over and started a fire. Had you simply had the library on fire, and perhaps had Twilight run outside to find the rest of her friends wondering at what had happenned with Spike and Owly missing, then you probably would've had me. Because that doesn't seem like a dream. Plus, you could say that the mysterious absence of 66% of the library's population was one of those things people don't notice until after they wake up.

It would've all flowed much better and been less obvious. You could even have Pinkie engaging in usual fourth wall antics inside the dream, and nobody would expect a thing. Because it's Pinkie. I was actually surprised that you went so far with the fire.

2.

As for Pinkie's supposed death. I was not phased. This is probably because I knew she was in a dream, something made even more obvious by the apparent room full of explosives in the back of Sugarcube Corner. When she said that there was no sign of Pinkie or the Cakes escaping, I asked myself as to what, exactly, would constitute such a sign, besides perhaps them standing outside. But then considering that nopony existed anymore...

It didn't help that you spent a total of three sentences on mourning her. If you want a death to be blunt, then make the death itself blunt, not the sad reflection afterwards. With Twi sparing only three thoughts for her dead best friend, it was hard for me to believe that she really cared.

On to the next review.

Damn, these chapters are long. What is this, 24k words or something? I've decided that, in the mutual interests of my free time, actually getting the reading done, and having a roughly similar number of reviews between us, I'm splitting these chapters up. This particular review is focused on the part from the beginning of the chapter to where Twi leaves the library after finding her books are gone.

I'm just thinking: What happened, dude? All of a sudden your writing has become sub-par, and I have no idea why. As I read this I was given the impression that you typed it up at 2 in the morning while spending the night at a friends place, figured that it looked pretty good, and sent it out just like that. I know this because my first draft of Ch 1 was written in much the same way. I see a resemblance.

Everything I've seen so far looks simply unedited. There are missing words, improper punctuation, terribly awkward phrasing, and all the other things that a simple editing run would fix quite easily.

The plot itself was fine. I liked the bit where she was searching for the lost books; the bit on antimatter, the mentioned of 'study hits', and the shift in gravity was quite humorous. You did a good job of portraying her scientific/childish/obsessive side.

At the same time, I'm wondering how it took Twilight so long to figure out time goes 20 times faster in the dream. Does she not have a watch, or something? I don't see what all these complicated number crunches could possibly be, or how she didn't initially think to 'factor for time.' At the very least, you keep her calculations vague enough that I can't say it doesn't make sense.

Which brings me to the calculations. And the science. There is science talk everywhere, and I don't see the point. You seem to be a fan of TvTropes. What is it with all this Magi Babble? I'm at a loss, and I'm wondering what the purpose of it all is. You could just as easily summarize it without all the nitty-gritty details and have the same result with less words. Actually, you could let the reader come up with the science behind it all.

So yeah. That's the first 5,589 words of Chapter 3 (or Chapter 2, if you don't count the prologue).

Golden 'I just don't know what went wrong' Wing42

>>21026852102685

About none of the Mane Six, Spike or the owl whose name is impossible to spell being present, they would've been projections (save for Pinkie Pie, who was actually in the dream herself at the very end) and I hadn't really yet delved into Twilight going over the concepts or existence of projections yet. Plus, I though it might be a little more riveting if Twi was to wake back up, think she was in reality, and not know where her friends were during a crisis. However, if you go back and re-read it, Ponyville wasn't abandoned, though it retrospect, your point seems to deem known necessary for the guise to work, so I'll try to fix that in the rewrite.

As for Twilight thinking Pinkie had died, I'll admit that I wasn't to sure how to write that part. I though back to what Twilight's Guide to Writing said about using the reader as the canvas for the characters emotions as opposed to the other way around, I figured that if I had to explain why Pinkie's supposed death was a tragedy, I had done something wrong. So I tried to go with a more minimalist approach in an attempt to make the impact more blunt. That only three sentences are spared was also part of the pacing, because as Twilight stands there in shock the dream is still collapsing. Though if you want sad reflection, oh, how I could go sad reflection... or is there a better way to fix this? Just take out the reflection part for blunt effect?

The fire and explosives bit was an attempt at creative writing. I tried to make the manner in which the dream collapses when it does situational based, so with the mention of fire I decided to start with combustion and work my way up from there. I do this again with the first two dreams in chapter two, where an eclipse punches a hole in the sky and sucks the world up into a void, and then again when the twistentacles devouring the dream while Twilight and the thing-pony watch.

Speaking of chapter two, lets move on.

Fair enough; if you don't have the time to read it all in one sitting, I understand. Though since chapter four, we have begun to focus on making these chapters shorter, or at least more concise. Or at least I'm trying to.

What happened, dude? All of a sudden your writing has become sub-par.

... Ouch.

As I read this I was given the impression that you typed it up at 2 in the morning while spending the night at a friends place, figured that it looked pretty good, and sent it out just like that.

Um... would it mean anything if I said I'm usually up at two in the morning anyway?

This is actually where you get to see the stress and fatigue of being such a god-damned slow typer. I got this chapter out of the way faster than I have the other ones, but that's because all I was doing all day for my days off from work was writing this. Even going at it literally from the time I woke up to the time I went back to bed, the most I was able to crank out in a single day was five pages. This still took weeks to write as it was. It was also the first chapter I wrote entirely by myself, and you are right in the observation that it is almost completely unedited. I hate to say it, but this currently is also the case with chapter three. (Joseph was either unavailable or having technical issues, and Brian didn't join the project until I was halfway through 'The Beast Within.') I've said it before, I'll say it again; I'm a shit proof-reader/editor. The fact that I'm as wordy and verbose as I tend to be despite the fact that I've struggled with a mild to moderate case of dyslexia since I first started learning to read when I was three doesn't help, either.

I have started going back and going over my work with as much scrutiny as I can supply (which still isn't much), and we didn't even have an editor until about a month ago; I might have mentioned a while ago that I'm in the process of editing some of this. But I haven't gotten to chapters two and three yet, so they're still for the most part just raw chucks of story held back by misdirection and my inability to establish anything using less than a thousand words. (Chapter four, on the other hand (or hoof) is much more refined due to being written mostly by Brian, who is much more concise, and from my proof-reading the shit out of it and refining it with some additional substance to certain scenes. I look forward to when you've finally slogged your way to that one.)

Glad at least to know that you enjoyed the jist of it; I'd hate to think I was completely wasting our reader's time.

The whole bit about the Magi-Babble in the research notes was supposed to be my way of further ingraining the premise of shared dreaming and dream worlds into the universe of ponies. It did occur to me though that I might have overdone it (as I usually do), especially considering that, as someone else pointed out (might have been Brian) that it's mostly just going over things we just saw. I'll add that to the list of things to go back and change. Though If I don't get around to it before you read it, be wary of the unapologetically massive one in chapter three.

I apologize for the slowdown, but do stick around; about halfway through the chapter, things get much more... interesting. And chaotic.

My review of chapter five is forthcoming.

- Christian 'I dun derped' Harisay

Okay, I'm not exactly sure what happened. I set myself about 6,000 words to read for this bit, but I think I missed my stopping point because I ended up reading the whole thing.

Onwards, to review!

As before, and as I expect will be the norm for awhile, the story lacks editing. Simple mechanical flaws (misspellings, missing words, etc.) and technical flaws (awkward phrasing, strange word choice, etc.) abound. But let's not dwell on that, I already mentioned it.

The best part of this chapter was of course the fight with Discord. He's the perfect choice of character to play the role of Mal, even if he lacks the same emotional connection. The fight was wacky and interesting, as one would expect when Pinkie and Discord face off in a world they can freely manipulate. I noticed the abundance of references in the scene, and although it fits well there (considering the 4th wall penetrating abilities of Pinkie), I offer a word of caution: don't use references to the world outside your fic in serious scenes, and limit them altogether. Although a reference can bring a smile to a reader's face, it also pulls them out of any immersion they may have had in the story, and can simply confuse those who don't get it.

About the non-CMC fillies: you may notice when you introduce them that the description for all three is stretched over a single sentence. There's like, four commas and an ellipse there, and it's all very run-on. The description is also entirely show; throw some verbs in there, man! Lastly, I was kind of confused when you described Dinky's eyes at first; it didn't even occur to me who her mother was, or who the filly was, until I read on.

Oh, and Noi's name looks like a misspelling of "no." I actually thought that's what it was at first.

Don't mean to gripe, but where were Noi and Alula born to get names like that? Are they from Ponyville? Their names don't fit at all.

I like the triple-layered cake. I salts'd. (Smiled A Little, Then Stopped)

Once again, kill all parentheses. They're in this chapter. Kill them.

I didn't translate the french, but it better be rude and offensive. It's the only way.

That little music link was cool. It fit the scene really well and was a good touch. However, you should avoid musical links in your writing. It forces the reader to leave the story, breaks immersion, and relies on the reader getting to certain parts of the story within a certain time. Be careful. Many Bothans died to get you this information.

Is it necessary to use bold and italics?

Clearly someone has seen that Pinkie scene from Ponies the Anthology 2...

That scene with Discord trying to corrupt Twi was good. I liked it.

What else, let's see,,,

Sometimes you draw too much attention to the chaos happening in the background. It interferes with the action of the scene and makes things clunky the way you scatter it around. You should be careful how many words you spend on it; it is the background, after all.

And that...

...will be all.

Golden 'Sweet Celestia, I'm Hungry' Wing

So there I was, flipping through channels at 1AM when I find Inception on. I get to the part where Ariadne flips the world and I just freeze for a moment. Thirty minutes later I'm reading through Pinkie's dreamscape. That's what your fic is doing to me. You made me skip watching the rising action and climax of Inception to read through this again. So naturally I'm making good on my promise to comment more on chapter 4. Half of my comments are likely to be about my immersion in this section. It is understandably slower paced, so I feel that the immersion can be broken quite a bit easier. Or maybe I will just comment on things as I read. Bear in mind this is early AMs.

Dear lord, while reading through this again, I decided to click the link knowing you like to use Hanz Zimmer's soundtrack. The strings of "We Built Our Own World" got to their first swell just as I read Twilight reaching out for the edges of the dream and finding absolutely nothing. It... was depressingly glorious. I was quite moved.

I was mentally jostled a bit as Twilight recognized limbo as a blank slate to be constructed. It only lasted a second. Something just a bit jarring or abrupt before she went full architect mode.

Your description of the towers in Twilight's palace is uneven. Three o'clock is the astronomy tower with a telescope. That's it. Perhaps you could expand a sentence or two? The observatory in Megamind is my first thought for inspiration. Just a suggestion to even out the flow there.

Ah, there it is. Gyroscope planting ideas for totems, eh?  And Twilight discovering the city almost.  Very nicely getting into the simultaneous create-perceive cycle mentioned by Cobb in the film.

The riddle of Waiting for a Train is really depressing when you don't have anyone with you... Now what is Mobil Ave. and why is it just there?

Whoa, I read way too much Harry Potter and related fics. Completely missed the use of the word "apparate" before. Not really a word outside J. K. Rowling-verse so you might consider another word for magically poofing the Element of Magic onto Twilight's head. Then again, it is magic teleportation and HP is well known...

Ouch. Perfect story pacing there. Ouch. Focus and drive for wings, elation at flight and... there's the end of the world. Ouch. Very nice, damn you.

Hmm... third use of "sniper." Makes it easy to know what you're referencing, but I don't like the word in a non-war FIM fic. Just doesn't seem to fit for me.

You have me curious about the visions. Perhaps Twilight is seeing up a level for brief glimpses at the dreamspace she left? But then Avarice saw her... Bah it's too late/early for super-analytical thinking. Great chappy, give me more, all that jazz.

>>22059362205936

Brian here. I know you were probably expecting Christian, but since I wrote the majority of this we felt it best that I be the one who responded.

First of all, I'm flattered that you actually stopped watching Inception to go read our fic again! It also helped me learn something important. Me and my brothers have always been a little disappointed that this doesn't have more views, and maybe it's because we are fledgling writers at best and our story is plagued with typos that this is rightly so. However, you've helped me learn that one die-hard fan is reason enough to keep writing. I thank you for that.

Now on to the story.

I'm pleased that you were as moved as you were by Twilight's initial reaction to Limbo. I was really swinging for the fences on that scene and it's good to know it had the effect I intended. As for the music, it's also good to know that it helps with the story as well. We've received a little bit of criticism for adding hyperlinks to music in the middle of our story, and while the critic had a point, your reaction to it helps prove that while it is jarring when done wrong, when it's done right... happens.

"Mobil Ave." is an anagram for limbo. It's also a reference to The Matrix. In the third movie when Neo wakes up in a train station, you'll notice that on the wall behind him the station is named Mobil Ave. However, in retrospect, I'm thinking we were trying to be too clever with that.

As for the nighttime visions, you're not right, but you're on the right track. Stay tuned...

And you're right, I could have devoted an extra sentence or two to the astronomy tower. Add yet another thing we have to edit.

Until next time,

-Brian 'Much more concise than my brother' Harisay

I owe Christian a favor to review this story and I shall.  GERONIMO INTO THE STORY BASED ON THE MOVIE THAT I SORTOF LIKED BUT THEN WAS MAJORLY DISAPPOINTED (MAINLY DUE TO THE WTF ENDING AND EXECUTION)

Prelude

First things first.  Grammar, flow and the technical bits upon which every story is based upon.  It's relatively decent.  Some unnecessary or erroneous paragraph breaks here and there, but I do that too  so don't worry too much about it.  Grammar pretty watertight, LUS was also well avoided, yet you managed to keep the use of character names low enough yet understandable enough for readers to read it.

There is an issue with the flow though... For such a long chapter.. the flow isn't consistent enough it fast forwards, and slows down, which sortof works because you need action sequences and description for the symptons. Yet, on occassion, especially with the sequence with Spike basically throwing up some weird liquid in 2 paragraphs and basically doesn't do crap about it.  I mean with all of Twilghts magical experience, he would react or know if something was truly wrong with him.  especially when its' a freaking void.    Instead he goes off and doesn't care about this massive event which is empahsized by how the focus and flow of the chapter concentrate upon this event, which does focus all attention on that black ball, but it also throws the reader off a bit.  Not a major flaw though, but there are other instances when the flow of this chapter seems too fast or slow on occasion.  

Now the concept.  I liked inception's concept, but disliked its execution... you seem to have hinted at it/somewhat introduced it in a reasonably well thought out manner.  There is a sort of problem though, first time someone reads this prelude without watching Inception, would make the person go.... WHAT THE CRAP.  To be honest, the entire prelude, was SO LONG... it was entertaining at points and entertaining as a whole, but it draws a lot of attention and time for someone to power through... just the prelude.  It did introduce the villain, but only HINTED at the concept of dreams, which is a major problem because one does not simply tank 13000 words of prelude to get sort of ripped off hint which I only recognized due to inception.   So while I understand the point of the prelude (especially reading your earlier comment), I was still taken aback by how it ended.  

Still, nice execution of an idea that was so poorly executed I nearly screamed my head off. This will probably not be the most popular of stories, simply due to the type its aimed at and the length per chapter, but there is a great deal of promise.  Badass Spike was awesome, though i wonder how he learnt to fight like that (then again it is his dream).  The transition from dream to reality was also done especially well as it clearly reminds the reader of the mechanics of the dream and reality... which is that you can't tell which is which XD.  All in all, have a like and I will power to the next chapter.  Charging Warp Drive... FIRE!!!!!!!

Sincerely,

vren55

>>23805792380579 Well, I honestly didn't expect to get the same kind of insight on our story until I'd read an equal number of words on yours (because I'm already familiar with the fact that this is fcking long), but I suppose this puts on more on the same page... with knives to each others throats. Awesome!

You didn't like Inception? Okay, I can get if the ending threw you for a loop, but what didn't you like about the execution? And seeing how I did start looking more into the movie when we started writing this, if you'd like, I could explain what the ending meant and why it was orchestrated the way it was.

Anyway, thanks for the compliments upon the technical standpoints for this chapter... but unfortunately, as it stands, it's one of the only chapters that has that much polish and care put into it. I only recently managed to get an editor involved in the project, and the prelude underwent a lot of revision. That's actually one of the reasons for the occasionally inconsistent flow. I purposefully tried to make the writing as fast as possible for scenes like the fight so it doesn't drag out, but I'll admit that the way it could have jarred with the moments where I take the time to really describe something in full was a bit of an oversight.

Same thing applies slightly for when Spike coughs up the protozoic form of the main antagonist, but I also figured that since he was having a good time with rarity (so he thought,) he'd rather focus on that then what just looked like some sickly piece of phlegm.

But if there's going to be an more work put into it, someone else is probably going to have to handle it. Aside from writing the bulk of it, I've revised it twice, and I feel I've taken it as far as I can. Because as the currently raw chapters (one trough three) will make painfully obvious, I can't edit worth sht.

The purpose of the prelude was mainly to establish the antagonist with a subtext of what Spike wishes his life could be like (because we'll be coming back to both later), and that I thought it was better to set up why the Mane Six will eventually have to perform an inception on Spike before they started getting involved with the magic that makes it possible. And I actually hate 'it was all a dream' moments myself, so I did try to subvert that as much as possible by using the opportunity to get into Spike's character as much as possible. Though I'll admit, due to aforementioned not being able to edit worth sht that it's still really long.

So if it was up to you, how would you shorten it?

Anyway, you're past it now, and the Inception bits really pick up after flowing through with the perspective shift to Twilight at the end.

Thanks for the review, and I hope o\you enjoy the rest... after I edit it.

One last point about the prelude; as long as it is, Brian (older brother/fellow writer) pointed out: "Well, at least it's not as bad as the prelude of Kingdom Hearts 2."

- Christian 'The most resilient parasite' Harisay

>>23883292388329 To be honest, I think you should keep most of the chapter the same way.  You can't really shorten it without ruining it's point.  I would like more tie-in to the later chapters, but I have to read them first.  

As to Inception's execution... I mainly had problems with the characters.  Only Cog was well developed,everybody else fit into nice little stereotypes.  There were also things about the plot I had issues with, like how nobody anticipated the security system, how Cog's mind is so screwed up it floats into the actual dream, how everything goes shit for a while and then goes just right for convenience's sake?  Yeah... that ticks me off a bit.

So I liked the chapter, I wouldn't change most of it, except read it over again for flow, but I still need to point out the weaknesses in the chapter for fairness's sake.  This is the type of story in which you REALLy need to get into it to understand, which has its strongpoints, but weakpoints as well

Twilight was looking at Pinkie with an open-mouthed stare. “That’s,,, one way to test a theory….”

Generally you have watertight grammar, but the above was quite a derp.

Now... Hmm... A very nice structuring of the Inception characters of Cob and Mal into the story as the creator of the Dream Spell and his wife.  It reminds fans of Inception while providing background at the same time.  The chapter, I am guessing its goal was mainly to provide context for the dream spell and remind everybody of its mechanics.  It worked.  I do understand the dream spell quite well and the important facts behind it.  However, there are a few issues.

Twilght making the jump to dreams used by thieves being one of them.  I understand Pinkie's mentioning of thieves (nice foreshadowing BTW) can create that, but its a LITTLE forced.  given we don't know the specifics of the dream spell and how one could steal knowledge... that was sort of out of the blue.  Maybe Twilight can contemplate a little longer on how ponies can have dreams stolen and think about mechanics?

Also, while Pinkie... well I believe she's the best pony to explain how she managed to disrupt Twilight's dream, she is a little OOC.  I mean... given Pinkie's short attention span, which is a feature of her and her ability to go off tangent, I'm remarkably surprised she has managed to hold onto such a long winded and factual explanation.  you need to have a moment when she gets off topic and Twilight has to remind her or... have her make an inference to one of her hobbies, forcing Twilight to bring her back to speed.

All in all, there are a few things, you should be aware of, but generally given the long pace of this story, I think this chapter fulfilled its purpose.  

Woahhhh....

Okay following up from your brother's review on PC:TCQ time for my turn to review.

Unfortunately I've got nothing bad to say about this chapter, unlike your brother who has plenty of bad things to say about mine.  Surprisingly enough, for a 23000 word chapter, it was paced excellently.  I mean there were a few boring moments in the last chapter, but this one was done well.   The greatest thing about this story is its flow of events and how although it seems long, it keeps the boring to a minimum.

This chapter uses a lot of 'unimportant events' that become EXTREMELY important later on technique.  I'm not sure what's it called... Chekhov's gun?

Now Twilight and her collapsing dream... that was a good intro and that shows a few things about collapsing dreams and the time that passes within them which you later explain to Pinkie Pie.  No problems with that.  You make an excellent scene with Spike and hint his problems with greed though you only semi-resolve it at the end.  Brilliant, also LOTS of suspense incorporated there as well as a good use of Owlyscious.  Inception fans will love how Scootaloo's earlier water balloon fight was incorporated to Twi and Pinkie discovering that it's water that collapses the dream.  Now that, was an excellent piece of writing.

Now Pinkie getting Twilight onto sugar high and tricking her into the dream?  That was Pinkie Pie so , but it was irresponsible Pinkie Pie as well so .... You did get her characterization right though.  And Twi and Pinkie in dream world?  ... .  Let's say I do not want Pinkie in my dream world .  (Nice reference to Inception again) with bending the world again.

Discord... now that was odd.  Though his use in explaining the dangers of warping the dream too much was good.  It also puts a LOT more 'DANGER' into the dream world.   I am a little confused where he came from.  I know he came from Pinkie and Twi's subconscious, but I'm still having a hard time believing Pinkie Pie's subconscious wants to summon Discord over and the malicious version at that.  Its quite a bit of ass pulling here that I'm expected to believe (and I've watched Inception mind you) that Discord lurks within Pinkie's subconscious and is summoned by her subconscious.  Not that it breaks anything, but It does require the reader to suspend his disbelief for a moment.  

All in all, apart from the subconscious which nobody can seem to control or explain exactly what its meant to do, I'm pretty good with this chapter and am eager to attempt the next one

>>25067322506732 Well, truth be told, this is a joint account shared by three brothers (even though the Avatar only features two), and likewise this story is being written by those three of us. Yet even though the progression and structure of the characters and the plot is something the three of us have all discussed, about 85% of what has been posted up to this point has been written by Christian... the same one who's been vivisecting your story and putting it's unhealthy organs up on display like trophies for the last few weeks.

And the same guy who's replying now.

So I suppose I should give you credit alone for coming here and being objective about the story instead of trying to pick out its flaws and play it up to be some poorly compiled mess that hardly works. Good on you.

I'm surprised you didn't have a problem with the pacing in this chapter, but you did with chapter one. Not only is chapter two is still about as superfluously verbose and infested with typos as it was when I first posted it, but chapter one about a third as long, and it was recently edited... and by one of the prereaders from EQD, no less.

The term for alluding to future events to come is called "foreshadowing," but Chekhov's gun is also a term of foreshadowing, and I'll admit I use a ton of both. Sort of gives the impression that all these events are connected, and personally I feel it makes the story feel more tightly woven.

Having Twilight discover an incomplete version of the spell and showing her learning about it was going to be our way of merging the alien concept from the movie into the universe of the series (something that we had discussed from day one, in fact), so showing Twilight learning things that people who've watched Inception probably already know is meant as an acclimatization process. (Though I'll admit that the documentary entries are mostly redundant, and I'm in the process of editing those.) But thanks for the compliments on all the step-ups regardless.

I was actually thinking about how to kick-start Pinkie going so overboard with the manipulation that it becomes a problem, and I eventually came to a realization that copying Inception probably was the best way to go here; both for the implicit value of it (in the movie, Ariadne also started over-manipulating the dream world so much that it turned on her), and for the obvious reference... of which there are a fck ton of them in this chapter.

Hell, I'm surprised you didn't criticize me for that.

It's been almost three years since my Psychology 101 class, but if I remember right, the sub id isn't necessarily motivated by positive or negative predispositions as much as it is an incoherent bundle of notions; like how you can have dreams that make no fcking sense whatsoever. So Pinkie's subconscious didn't "want" to summon Discord anymore than it "wanted" to warp and bastardize the dream world until Pinkie was so overwhelmed that she curled up into a ball and started crying; it was just spurred to.  But at the same time, Discord doesn't "lurk" within Pinkie's subconscious, and Twilight even figures out and openly states that the Discord they're dealing with isn't the real Discord; it's just Pinkie Pie's projection of Discord.

Even though he was never intended to fill in or emulate that role, I can actually see why some people have drawn a parallel between Pinkie's projection of Discord and Cobb's projection of Mal. Even though it's only implied in the chapter, much like how Cobb's guilt animates and embodies his projection of Mal, there's something in Pinkie's subconscious that takes the form of Discord when they're under the effects of Dreamscape. That thing came to light when Pinkie mindfcked her own subconscious so hard with all the manipulation that it cracked open a hole to some dark part of her sub id, and a projection of Discord came oozing out.

You said you liked how there are all these little events that act as foreshadowing for bigger ones. Well, even some of the big events act as foreshadowing. Especially some of the big ones...

Good to see I haven't completely alienated you. Bear in mind that chapter three takes a real dip in the pacing, as it has a lot of bulky moments that as of yet (as with what I have posted of chapter two) haven't edited down yet.

Expect another review when I've caught up a bit on some of my own work, and I've read more so I can cover more material at once.

- Christian 'Foreshadowy' Harisay

>>25171312517131

1. Its wholly impossible not to like this story.  Sincerely and I know you've done your bloody best to vivisect my story and I asked you to do it anyway.  By extent I should be objective as I can with your story.

2. Why didn't I not like Inception references?  Well... they aren't in your face about it.  It isn't an exact word for word copy and the story still remains... pony and original.  The villainous subconscious resembles Mal, but it's Discord characterized quite well and thus there are differences.  It's not Ariadne (that was her name ) and Cob, it's Twi and Pinkie.  It still retains originality and pony, while paying homage to the original movie.  

3. Pacing?  Why did I like this pacing?  Well... the action was continuous for such a long chapter.  It went from one thing to the next in a nice logical sequence that was easy to follow and enjoyable.  That was what I admired about the chapter's pacing.  Can't remember what I wrote for chapter 1, but I do remember there was something there that made me go 'bump' in the flow.  Mind you, I may not have noticed any 'bumps' in this chapter simply because its so LONG... which stretched the bumps out.  

4. More foreshadowing and mind cracking?  Oh dear.  I might get a little critical, but if it's done well then I would be fine.

5. Alright, but if anytime you wish to stop reviewing because I know you want to work on this story (i have to say its actually growing on me. )and also because I know you don't exactly love my story .    

Sincerely,

vren55

Well, here I am, ready to start my review of Chapter Three. Let's see here...

First off, and this has been bugging me throughout this whole chapter: you have a nasty habit of both showing and telling all at once. You'll show a character doing something that would imply what you want the readers to know, and then immediately tell them right afterwards. It's like, "Check this out. Did you pick up the implications? Well, just in case, let me tell you anyways." Sometimes it works in the opposite direction, too; you tell us something, and then show it right away. "Hey, did you know this? Look, my character's actions reflect that, too." It's pointless and irksome. Everything is twice the length it needs to be. I understand that you don't want your readers to miss out on important details, but you have to put some faith in our ability to tell that Owloysius wants Twilight to look at what he lands on and taps persistently at. The coddling narration isn't needed here.

This is especially apparent in that massive journal entry. As I was reading it, I kept on asking myself, "What is this telling me that I haven't already seen?" It's nice that you want to summarize recent events for us, but why would you add 1500 words of exposition in to explain the previous 7000 words of narrative? After reading the entry, I found myself thinking that it was a great waste of words and time.

Which is, in my opinion, a problem with your writing. Your tendency to both show and tell when it isn't needed wastes your writing time and your reader's reading time. It stretches out chapters and makes them long, imposing battles between the obligation of the reader to finish a chapter once started and the wish to take a break. If you can train yourself to only show or only tell at any one time, it'll make your chapters a shorter, easier read, and probably make your fic a deeper read overall. I feel like I'm reading on easy-mode here, with the writer still holding my hand to make sure I pick everything up along the way.

Okay, uh, what else...?

There's a few plot holes here that don't make sense to me. Like for example: why is Twilight making Spike empty out the trench with hard manual labor when she could literally, quite easily, levitate everything out and into a pile within thirty seconds, no sweat? It's Applebuck Season all over again.

There a few spelling/grammar errors too, but that's something for a proofreader to find. I noticed that you have a lot of awkward word choice and phrasing. I think at one point you started three sentences in a row with "But"? Something like that. There was a lot of "but"s all together, and somewhere else there was a lot of "and"s.

Why does Twilight call water hydrogen monoxide? Honestly. She's called water "water" plenty of times before in the show. There's no reason to cause your less chemically aware readers to have to google science terms to know she's talking about a water balloon fight. That's actually the biggest problem with your diction: I feel like you're trying really hard to use unique words and avoid overusing plain ones. I almost giggled when Avarice mentioned hitting Spike over the head with a thesaurus, because I felt like you were doing the same to me. The absence of "said" is startling. It's not bad to use it, y'know. I was actually drawn out of my immersion by your use of strange speaking words like "whisked," which is probably what you were trying to avoid by not using "said," right? The same thing happens with lots of the big words in here. I pause and go, "Hey, that's a really big word." Take a chill pill with the vocabulary, and I think your writing will becoming much easier to read and will break readers out of their immersion less.

Look out for adverbs. You use them a lot, and adverbs have a ridiculous tendency to stretch out a sentence.

Well, that's that!

Hey btw, a few things I forgot to mention in reply to your latest review on Omega:

1. Silver's lightning gun is certainly not Equestria's first Wunderwaffle, unless you mean Equestria the continent and not the world. At least not in my fic. (Hello, giant defensive thunderstorm wall?)

2. Now who owes who a review?

>>25859022585902 I was wondering why this chapter ended up being so long...

You brought up how in chapter two, it seemed like I just started writing until I was finished with however much I pleased and published it without editing. Well, I'll admit that was an even worse problem here. This chapter probably has the most excess padding that could be stripped down, and that's due mostly to the fact that I just let my descriptiveness off the leash when I wrote this chapter and let it run absolutely wild.

Yeah, sorry about that italic wall of text about half way through. I would have warned you about it in advance, but I was too late. Sorry about that. The over-taxing redundancy of cataloging the entire entry has been brought to my attention from several sources: you, a few other readers, our editor, and Brian (older brother/writer). In fact, Brian got involved in the project while I was about half-way through writing this chapter, and he was even the first person to read it before it was published, and he'd been advocating cutting down if not cutting out the entries ever since then. To quote Chad Kroeger, I guess I should'a listened.

You'll be glad to know if finally got through my thick skull when Vimbert brought it up. Like you, I'm currently in the process of revising this story, and the entries will be far less arduous in all future entires and severely edited in all the previous chapters. I already cut out the second entry in chapter one (which I've already re-posted), removed the narrative for the two in the second chapter (which I'm still waiting to hear back on Vimbert from), and when I get around to chapter three, that entry will be the first thing that I delete without a second thought.

Oh, you caught me; I'm about as afraid of using simple adjectives, punctual definitions, and the word "said" as The Descendant is of writing a story without his vague and confusing head canon that you literally have to ask him to explain if you want to understand it.

In fact, this excerpt was taken from the Google.docs file of the prelude when I submitted it for edits.

Vimbert Franze

12:23 PM Jan 26

USE SAID, FOR FUCK'S SAKE

(my response)

DaMaster012 .

12:18 PM Jan 28

VERY WELL.

FOR THE SAKE OF FUCK, I SHALL USE THE WORD 'SAID'

(deletes 'began,' types in 'said')

ALL PRAISE FUCK.

I wouldn't call making Spike take everything out of the trench a plot hole as much as an oversight that when you mentioned the possible alternative, my face hit the desk in realization of my folly.

Geez, man; was there anything you liked about this chapter? Yeah, I know that this is probably my writing at its weakest, but it's not all bad, is it?

Anyway, similar with your story, the quality jumps up with chapter four. That was Brian's first major contribution to the story, and as such most of it was written by him. You might like his style; it's more concise than mine. And at the same time, I had gotten a better idea of how to write with less waffle, so when I went back and revised it up, I was able to iron out his shortcomings and properly extrapolate where he left things that needed be said. It's a much more refined entry, both for the collaborative effort and that I've polished the shit out of it.

Now I just need to drop a review on the next five chapters of your story to make us even.

Fuck.

- Christian 'So much more writing to do' Harisay