Go Nuts
Twilight sat up a little straighter when Spike landed in front of her, neatly shutting her textbook with a paw.
"Spike! What the heck? I need to study - "
"You're passing that class with flying colours, Twilight. You don't need to study as much as we need to talk."
"Huh?" She blinked and absently adjusted her glasses. "Talk? About what?"
Spike padded across the desk towards her, lifting his head to press his little doggy nose against hers. It would have been cute if not for the frosty look in his eyes. "Where are my balls, Twilight?"
"Huh?"
"My balls. Where are they Twilight?"
"Your ball is in your basket."
"No. Not my ball. My balls."
Understanding crept down her spine, chased by a deep shiver that she herself hadn't predicted this conversation would someday come when her cute little puppy gained sentience and vocal chords. Well, it wasn’t the first thing that sprang to mind in such a miraculous event, was it? And yet, here she was, staring down a thousand-yard glare from a puppy dog whose eyes had suddenly taken on the attributes of razor-edged emeralds.
"Um ... well ... you see ..." She adjusted her glasses so much her sweaty fingers slipped and accidentally poked her in the eye. "Ow! Damn it –"
"I'm waiting." And indeed, Spike sat down on her physics textbook and tapped one hind leg impatiently. “I want an answer please, Twilight. All things considered, I’d say I’m being pretty polite about this. Where. Are. My. Balls?”
"Um ... well, when my parents finally agreed that I could have a puppy there were certain ... conditions attached to it."
Spike arched an eyebrow. It had not yet stopped being disturbing to see that expression on a dog. "Conditions?"
"Y-yeah. They said I had to be a responsible pet owner. You see Momma and Pop-Pop ... are very socially conscious people. They're aware of the ... bigger picture when it comes to ... things."
Spike frowned. "What does this have to do with my balls, Twilight?"
"They have a keener understanding than a lot of people about what pet owning entails - um, so to speak." Twilight feigned a smile. It cut as much ice as a soap hacksaw. "Like ... getting you chipped and registered and all your shots and ..." She swallowed. "Neutered." She tried again to swallow the boiled egg she had somehow ingested, whole and still in its shell, in the last thirty seconds. The lump in her throat refused to budge. “You see unwanted canine and feline populations are at a record high in the US at the moment, so all pet owners who don’t intend to breed their animals have a responsibility to-”
"I don't remember my life up to the moment I entered that portal in the same way I remember things now.” Spike narrowed his eyes. “It's all very ... hazy."
“Oh?”
"Yeah. Regular dogs don't really do cognitive reasoning. They don’t understand A plus B equals C. I didn’t either. Until now. We do emotions really well though. So. Dogs do emotion really, really well. Happiness especially." He inhaled and drew himself up. "I’m not happy right now, Twilight. I’m not happy at all. I would like them back please."
"Wh-what?"
"My balls. I’m willing to forgive you for taking them if you give them back please."
Twilight's eyes widened. "You ... what?"
"Reattach them."
"I don't keep them in the house!"
“Are they in your locker at school?”
“What? No! I wasn’t the one who took them. The vet was!”
"So go to the vet's place and fetch them." He tilted his head to one side, "You do know fetch, right?"
"I ... you ... Spike, it doesn't work that way!"
"Huh?"
"They don't keep the ... bits they cut off."
"They don't?"
"No."
"So what do they do with them?" Now it was Spike's turn for wide eyes. "They don't eat them do they?"
"No!" Twilight adjusted her glasses frantically. "They ... dispose of them. They're considered ... biological ... waste."
“Waste?” A look of horror washed over Spike’s face. "They threw my balls away!?"
"Um ... yes?"
"WHY!?"
"Because they can't keep-"
"No, why would your parents do this to me!? Why would you do this to me!?"
"I ... I ... because otherwise I wasn't allowed to have a puppy -"
"So you mutilated me in order to have a pet!? How many other dogs have had their balls mistreated like this?"
"It wasn't mutilation, it was being responsible-"
Spike leaned back on his haunches and, in an act of truly aerobic stretching, raise both hind legs level with his ears. "Does this not look mutilated to you!?"
"Spike, stop showing me your penis!"
"Look at it Twilight! Look at it!"
Twilight flung her hands over her face. "No! This is ... perverted!"
"Oh please. You regularly pick up my poop and forget to take the baggy out of your coat pocket before you go to class."
"That's called being a responsible pet owner." Twilight peeked out and promptly hid her eyes again. "And forgetful."
"This isn't right." A thump told her Spike had jumped to the floor. "This is repression. Dogs have rights too! The right to a full food bowl, a daily walk and the right to keep our balls!"
"Spike, what are you-?"
"I am going to do something about this! I am going to stir up my brethren! I am going to RETRIEVE MY BALL RIGHTS!"
"Spike, this is ridiculous! Do you know what dogs do with their balls when they're intact?"
"Yes! And it's our right to lick, chew and expose anything we want to! That is the doggy way!"
"Spike -"
The door banged open and little paws scurried away down the corridor. "Rise up, my brethren! Rise up against our human oppressors! Aaaaaoooooooowwwww!"
Slowly, Twilight let her hands slip to her sides where they dangled uselessly for a moment. Then she reached for her cellphone and punched in a number.
"Hello?"
"Fluttershy?"
"Oh hi, Twilight! What's -"
"You know that thing you warned me about?"
"What thing?"
"Spike making a certain ... realistion?"
"Oh. Oh. That thing."
"Yeah, well ... it finally happened."
"Oh dear."
"He says he's going to 'cause his brethren to rise up'?"
Fluttershy sighed into her phone. "I'll meet you at the dog park."
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Lise · 1.9k words · 202 3 · 3k views
- Vertigo22 · 1.4k words · 23 3 · 1.1k views
- LeeLovesMLP · 2.1k words · 520 14 · 8k views
- All Art Is Quite Useless · 2k words · 434 22 · 5.7k views
- B_25 · 1.6k words · 98 6 · 2k views
- Hasty Revision · 1.1k words · 372 1 · 4.7k views
- InkieMarblePieIsLife · 6.4k words · 16 0 · 1.1k views
- Zulaq · 2.5k words · 14 0 · 546 views
Stats
Page generated in 0.048 seconds
Total duration
992 users online
2,524,209 hits today, 2,732,798 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
SO AWESOME!!!!!
i.imgur.com/xOcpvUM.png
Three words: Best. Fic. Ever.
You did something! And it's awesome! :D
God, how did I not think of this sooner
Love the Rick and Morty parallel
Can't wait for a reading of this.
anyone else get the rick and morty reference from the title alone?
8444379
Yesh.
"It was diffrent, I don't read many Spike storys"
Funny enough, there is a story where dragon Spike, while in his dog form, got so angry and berated everyone around him, Fluttershy stare him down and took him to get neutered.
So dog Spike here may get his if is quick enough.
Amazing. Aaaaaaaaabsolutely amazing.
This should be a hard cover book!
I was gonna make a Rick and Morty reference but I see I'm a little late to the punch, so I'll just say:
Nice job.
Oh my gosh, I had to read this the second I saw the title.
Admit, you read it because you watched Rick and Morty. "Where are my testicles, Summer?"
Scribbler, you did a horrible, horrible thing...and I love you for it!
As the princess of lewd, balls are important and I officially side with our future dog overlords who will then decide which humans get their balls cut off. Good fic by the way ;D
Ya, others beat me to the punch, but ya. Rick and Morty reference all the way. Just missing the exoskeleton.
I thought this was based off that Rick and Morty episode.
I was sorely mistaken.
Anywho, it was a very good and funny story, yes indeed. Would have loved another chapter too.
I laff :D
SCRIBBLER XD. Wtf! :D
Spike: Where are my balls, Twilight? Where are my balls, Twilight? They were removed, where have they gone?
Twilight: Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Spike.
Spike: Do not call me that! Spike was my slave name. You shall now call me Spyro, because my fur is purple and natural.
I giggled at "Look at it Twilight!"
Have a like and fav
Oh my. Scribbler! This was so hilarious! I just never thought of it from that perspective. I like to see how that story turns out!
Thank you for the funny!
We all know how this will end:
i.ytimg.com/vi/npu3VnYs3IA/maxresdefault.jpg
Glorious.
So clearly they're going to need magic to make this fantastical wish come true.
Which probably means going to Equestria.
Which means this is now a search for the dragonballs.
Dude please continue the story!!!!
Pfftahaha!!
SPIKE EQUESTRIA! BUCK YEAH! fetch my bones and where are my balls?
My voice in my head said this was stupid after ten words. BUT I DIDN'T LISTEN! I READ THE WHOOOOLE THING AND ENJOYED IT!!!
Dear Princess Twilight, does equestria have a spell for regrowing testicles on dogs? Love Twilight Sparkle
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGFev2BmnhE
"Where are my testicles Summer?"
sequel please? you could parody the 420 episode of family guy with spike singing a song in the park about how dogs need their balls to be happy
Rick and morty anyone?
8444781
Yeah I thought of Rick and Morty too.
8444781
I was just thinking that, bit of a give away with the summery.
8444781
Yep, first thing that popped into my mind.
1) you don't talk dog anymore spike two, you just said there not cognitive so they won't understand what your talking about.
I have a worrisome feeling that Spike is somehow gonna get a robot suit, find a way to make other dogs smart, get them robot suits, and then try to take over the human race.
How do you forget that?
8444928
And twilight will be his pet because she was nice to him
8444948 Probably. And/Or Fluttershy. Twilight's dad however.....he may want to give him a "haircut."
That got a good laugh outta me. Have a like and a fav.
A story about Spike losing his testicles shouldn't be this funny, yet this one is (probably because they're already gone, and he didn't mind for a duration). This line helps, as it shows he maintains his World Famous Snark.
8444413
Yes, that story is unfunny dogshit, and the author should feel bad.
Epilogue to the story: Twilight learned about Neuticles, and they were actually useful for once in their entire existence.
Note: if you are curious, but cautious about what I’m talking about, Neuticles are fake dog balls. Yes, you can buy fake balls for your dog after you neuter him.
lol
8444855
My thoughts exactly.
"your balls? Yeah, they were a sacrifice to the powers that be for your continued acceptance and position on this society. At that point it would literally have been impossible to know you would eventually become sapient through other-worldly magic and conclude that such a sacrifice was unjust. Sorry about that, but that's life."