Octavia Philharmonica—a musical prodigy, and rising star in the musical subculture of Equestria—finds that having what you want in life is not always what you need. Sometimes reaching all your hopes and dreams can be empty, and meaningless. This leads her to embark on a journey of sorts, not one of adventure, or thrills, but one of wisdom, and understanding. Through all the trials and tribulations, she might just find the hope which she has long since forgotten.
Art by Ramiras.
Pre-read by B_25, and All Art is Quite Useless.
Edited by Link4, and Ceffyl Dwr.
Chapters (6)
finally uploaded it eh? well, good luck! and i look forward to more. i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/053/226/860.jpg
8437468
Yup, took a bit to publish, but it's here, and I'm happily working on the next chapter now!
Is this a rewrite?
8453076
No it is not. Why do you ask?
Gotta say, for your first story on this site, this is outstanding. Thinking back to the terrible pile of words I put out on my first try, this is lightyears ahead of it. I like the concept, and the writing does a good job of carrying the story forward. I particularly like the attention to detail with keeping Octavia's voice in line with her character.
That said, there are a couple of notes I want to bring up. First of all, and most importantly, I feel like the pacing might be just a little bit too slow in some spots. In particular, the bit where Octavia goes to get her coffee sticks out as somewhat unnecessary levels of detail. There wasn't really anything interesting or important about that, so giving such an extensive look at that process bogs the story down. That and there are some things I felt like weren't really necessary in the conversation. When Octavia talks about Ditzy Doo and then goes back to her own upbringing, it feels shoehorned. I'm sure there would be a more appropriate time later in the story to reveal details like that, and so I would have recommended leaving it out for now. As it sits, it feels like a non-sequitur in the conversation.
That's what I feel like your main issue is in your writing. You seem to focus in on largely irrelevant details too much, and I would recommend being more economical in your choices of what to describe extensively and what to pass over. I'll link an excellent blog that discusses this issue in better detail. Get it here!
Oh, and as for a detail I feel like might be good to add, perhaps consider having Octavia give her cello a name. I'm not sure of how familiar you are with the quirks of musicians, but as one myself, I have rather affectionate names for my instruments. (Heck, in true cringy brony fashion, one of my guitars is named Octavia
)
Oh, and maybe consider making Vinyl's dialogue more short and to the point when she speaks. It's established that she doesn't talk much, so being very economical with her words would be more consistent.
All in all, though, this is a pretty great start. Definitely worth the like and fave. Keep it up, my man!
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Funny you mentioned this, because that particular scene of dialogue is important for the next chapter. That said, I see what you mean by tiny details not really being essential for the chapter as a whole. This was my first time writing in what I think was a year, so I'm still trying to get back into the groove of things, and learn to better play out a section of importance.
I'll definitely check out that blog today. Thanks a lot for the link.
Oh my god! I'm using this—this is amazing!
Will keep that in mind, though, I do have her talking more in the upcoming chapter. I'm kinda going for a mixture of her staying silent, but also speaking for comedic effect, or for well timed words of wisdom. She has her own baggage to deal with, much like Octavia.
Thanks so much for this amount of feedback, I really needed this. With how much I've been putting into this story, with little amount of comments, it really brightens my day, and encourages me more to get this gravy train rolling even faster! You're the best, dude.
I'm liking the plot setup here. You're taking this in a good direction, but the execution feels a bit stilted. Particularly, the dialogue in here feels stiff, like the characters are reading from a script they haven't rehearsed more than once. It's a difficult issue to nail down, but to get an idea of it, try reading every bit of dialogue in the character's voice. Some of the word choices seem out of place (unless your take on Vinyl is different from the generally accepted fandom characterizations, I don't feel like she would say 'daunting'), and I feel like the manner in which Lyra was introduced was kinda weak.
In spite of that, this is still a good read, and I'm looking forward to that next chapter!
8487714
I will keep this in mind while I continue forward. Thanks for the advice.
I'm trying to take both Octavia and Vinyl in different directions. I think it'd be a bit stale if I just did something everyone else has already done with the same characters. There is no fun in repetition.
This chapter felt kind of stilted. I know Octy's formal, but it seemed like you were checking off a list of things you wanted in the chapter and it didn't really flow like it should.
This is a thing that I am physically capable of reading, hurrah! And I have read the first chapter - you have a great voice for Octavia and sense of atmosphere!
8516588
What a relief!
Also, thanks for the compliments for what I consider to be the weakest bit of writing I've made on this site. Still, it means a lot to me.
8516715
I'unno that I'd call this weak, how much can it lift?
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images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/41ECBSK4VNL.jpg
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Beautiful!
8487754
I love you. No homo/hetero.
unique characterization is kinda a drug to me
8520463
Well, it is no fun to do what everyone else has already. It's a bit stale.
All the homo/hetero.
8520467
Noooo. I said none. Nada. Zip. Zero.
Another solid entry in the story. Good stuff, man!
8550482
I find them incredibly useful, and always welcome. I also appreciate large, and thought out comments, much like the one you posted.
Glad to have captured your attention, this story has a tremendous amount of meaning to me.
8550552
I think what makes me beam with glee over your comment is the fact it mirrors my thoughts when I looked over this a second time. Especially the part with having the scene with Dinky more fleshed out, and involved with Tavi's development. Both their fathers were important to them, and I needed to be just a bit more forward with that fact. Not in the exposition type way.
I'd gladly accept a PM of errors you spot along the way, anything to make this as good as it can possibly be. I really appreciate the time you spent telling me what you think thus far, it means more than you might imagine.
8550735
You're awesome.
I used to overthink so many things in life. I say this chapter represents the emotion I felt going through it all, especially with how Tavi dealt with the issue, and how her best friend rubs off on her.
Also, the laser tag scene was based off of an actually place I used to go to back in the day. Sadly, it's been shut down, so all that remains is my memories.
8560286
This was actually the chapter I was most proud of when I finished it. Possibly due to how simple it was, or for what it represented to me. As always, thanks for the wonderful feedback, it keeps me going day to day.
8453081
I could've sworn this had a sequel. How was All Art Is Quite Useless able to preread the latest chapter? I'm sure he's still alive, but his account seems dead right now.
8828891
The answer is he didn't pre-read this chapter at all. Rest in peace.
Stories like this remind me why I got into fimfiction.
I positively adore slice of life stories, and I have noticed that I've been neglecting them as of late. Your writing is elegant, and the flow is fantastic, and I feel like what you've written accurately portrays Octavia. I will most likely be following this story for quite a bit, and I can't wait to read more.
8829145
You flatter me. Funny how I imagine myself writing something grandiose and epic, but end up sticking to slice of life for the most part. Guess there's a zen like feeling I get when I just write about characters living out their lives, either having a good time or bad, but in the end learning something and becoming better because of their actions.
Looking forward to your thoughts on later chapters.
Octavia's voice is incredibly strong here! Good job!
The new cover art is beautiful!
8842700
Did some remodeling to better fit the story, and make it more pleasing to look at.
8842707
Very pleasing to look at!
Reading this story is very soothing if that's the right word for it. Calming, maybe. Sad to see it cancelled.
10166616
Woah. Someone actually read this?
Sorry to say I don't plan to write it anymore. My world view and life has changed considerably since, and I am no longer able to write what this was meant to be. Thanks for reading all the same.