Twilight calls for help. Unfortunately, it comes.
Note that this story deals heavily with depression and suicide. There's no shame in deciding not to read.
Thanks to Quill Scratch for prereading.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 18th Aug, 2011
- offline last seen 6 hours ago
Dubs Rewatcher
Fandom veteran, journalist, sixteen-time EqD published author. I hope you have a lovely day! Come visit my official website at www.williamantonelli.com
Dubs Rewatcher
Joined 18th Aug, 2011 ·
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First comment for author's notes.
This fic was inspired by a depressive episode I had two nights ago, and was an attempt to put onto paper the sort of thoughts I have when those episodes hit. All of Twilight's thoughts here are my own, from wondering if anyone would see it coming at the end, to the "game" Twilight plays online. I do the same things, posting on Twitter about how I'm sad, or how something external makes me want to kill myself, or just frowny faces, hoping that someone will notice but knowing that even if they did I'd reject them. I've never been to therapy, although I could get it at any time, for fear that my family would find out and worry about me. They've got enough problems, and I don't need them to be scared for me.
I fear that some will take this story as a commentary on social media, and I really don't mean it to be that. This is just my headspace, told through Twilight, my favorite character and the only one who I identify with. I hope that you enjoy it.
In the US, the number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. If you or a friend are ever in a position where suicide looks like the only way out, know that it isn't. You aren't alone, and you deserve love.
Now, back to writing sappy romance. :V
Poignant and well-communicated. The realism is brutal but not without its own bits of drama.
This isn't something most people would say this on, but thanks for sharing.
The title really does ties the entire piece together. It's easy to write about being depressed, but it's not so easy to write about being depressed. People who aren't, or haven't been, don't get it.
But you get it. As was said above, thanks for sharing. It takes courage to talk about these feelings at all, let alone so openly.
8387966
If you ever need someone to talk to, you can hit me up at 1(714) 496-3119
This hit me...maybe a bit harder than intended, but still. Thanks for sharing
That packs a punch. I know Im just a random guy but if you ever need to talk Just give a holler.
Fuck, my heart. That was a bit too real.
I wish I had a heartful message to say, connected to what you've written, and what I suppose you've felt (or still feeling).
I wish there was a magic combination of words to pull out anyone who is experiencing depression from the deep dark void where they break their nails, trying to climb the walls.
I wish I could say I'd be there for you anytime you'd need someone, but that would be a lie. There is an ocean between us, and there is nothing I can do to close the distance. I can only hope you can have someone closer than I am in these dire moments.
I wish I couldn't relate to what I've read, and still feel so powerless.
As it is, good work. You've captured the true essence of depression: calling for help, but unable to let people reach you when they finally hear the call.
Take care, Dubs, and, for all of you, take care of, and for your folks. That's all I can wish you.
Wait, other people feel like this too? Holy horseapples I'm not the only one!
I've sometimes had moments like this too. Not of suicide. But moments where I wonder if anybody would care if something bad happened to me.
You've captured those feelings of loneliness and isolation very well.
The sad thing is, Applejack just proved that there are people who can pick up on her feelings, and she still questions it.
This needs a sequel.
I want to thank you for how well you captured the utter isolation depression can cause... I survived multiple suicide attempts in my youth and can safely say that I got better. Not it, not the world, me. I learned I had value, and worth, and was loved... That I did matter.
Sometimes I have bad days, even now... But, well... I'm less than six months away from being a father, and I know that I have someone who depends on me, soon two someone's...
I want to repost what you said : In the US, the number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. If you or a friend are ever in a position where suicide looks like the only way out, know that it isn't. You aren't alone, and you deserve love.
Don't take a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
If you want to talk, even just to get it out, let me know - I'm willing to listen. I can't promise I'll have any good advice, or know what to say... But I can at least be someone who will listen, and a burden shared...
its super rare to find a fic that paints depression accurately and not just... idk, sterotypes. this is rlly good;;;;
hopes of good moods, to please come your way
So many others have so articulately captured my thoughts and emotions about this story.
The only thing I can add is that in regards to Twilight being your favorite character and also being the only one you identify with, I completely relate.
Very rarely do i ever need to take a break from reading a fic. Even more rarely do I need to take a break for emotional reasons. This was one of those fics.
I hope you are doing well, and that you have or will find someone that you feel comfortable confiding in.
8387966
I'm in the same/near identical situation myself. Aside from the general malaise that pervades every moment, there are certain points in time where the only thing I can do is wonder about all the different ways I should kill myself and hope that I'm not showing anyhing outwardly.
As you said, everyone else has their own problems, they don't need me to burden them further. It would be almost a literal crime for me to do so. I also wonder about those ''prime years of life'' people talk about. I'm supposed to be currently living them; so is it just going to keep getting worse from here? Even if it's probably selfish; should I just end it? There are people so much worse of than me and they don't act like this. What kind of weak willed, horrible person am I to even try to complain about how I'm feeling. Sometimes I question if anyone would even care.
I'm not sure what keeps me from doing it. Maybe its fear, although I don't think I am afraid to die. Maybe its some sort of obligation I feel to others.
It's... encouraging? To see it being written about and to know that there are other people out there feeling the same things. It doesnt't really help me in any way nor make me happier, its sort of like venting about something. Just depressurising some of the built up emotions. So, I guess, thank you for writing this. I hope fortune fares thee well.
P.s. Gosh it's a lot easier writing about this stuff when no one knows who you are and knowing that no one will really pay attention to it for more than a few seconds if they are even willing to slog through the rambling text. Thanks again for writing and both thank you and sorry to anyone who reads this.
There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said by someone in these comments.
I hope things turn out okay, Dubs. We're all rooting.
8389348
Thanks, Ice. I appreciate you being such an active follower of mine, and all the comments that you leave.
8389408
I'm gonna text you a picture of a cucumber
8389625
In a world of 7 billion people, it's rare to ever be the only one of anything. Some people don't like that, but I find it somewhat comforting.
I hope you're doing well.
8389683
I don't think it's gonna get a sequel, but I do have another fic that's similar to this one, if you're interested: Something Like Laughter
8389779
Thanks for sharing your story! It's awesome to hear that you're doing better.
8389799
Sending the same back to you!
8390124
Scholars always say that one of the biggest reasons humans tell stories is katharsis—speaking about our experiences and hearing others speak about them helps us work through our own emotions and feelings.
Thank you for reading, and thank you for sharing. I hope things start looking up.
8390129
I've never contemplated suicide, and yet everything else about this is disturbingly easy to relate to.
8390183
Sure! Feedback is something I'm down with giving, and you're welcome!
And all the cool kids call me Ixu, yo.
8390235
OOOOOOOOH YOU'RE IXU
8390280
...Doesn't the avatar give it away?
Who did you think Ixu was? I'm actually curious about that now...
8390183
I had a little bit of a rough day myself so I'd appreciate that.
8390304
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8390317
I'm not exactly a household name on here, so I'm not surprised, haha.
Unless you're saying I'm Abacus Cinch. In which case... I can neither confirm nor deny resemblance or realation to frosty, salty, and crabby middle-aged women.
But I'm not exactly flattered if it's the that.
All I can say is that this is way, way closer to home than some people would think.
8390124
Hey man, I know It's hard, I was there at one point too, wondering why If I was worth anything, if my "best years" are now, why live to see it get worse?
But I realized something, And I want you, and anyone else dealing with suicide to know. This time, is not your best time. In fact, it is one of the worst times you will ever experience.
When the girl you like says no, or leaves you.
When everything hurts/goes wrong and you don't know why.
When those who should know you are hurting don't.
When you are abandoned.
And worst, when you ask for help and they say "You'll grow out of it".
I am free from suicide today because I know I am not living for me, and I am not living to please others. I am living to make sure other peoples lives never end.
I live for Jesus and no one else, and he is proud of me, But he is also Very proud of you Mellow.
He looks down from heaven on you and says , "I love him/her, I can't wait to spen time with him. I want to talk with him." Ask Jesus to reveal himself, and he WILL reveal himself. I would bet my life on it.
Because I already did once.
This is an accurate representation of how i felt reading this.
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In all seriousness, good work. You've earned a follow.
You've summed up most of the past three years, two months, and four days of my life so well that by the end of it I felt like I was actually reading about myself.
Props to you for writing the first story on this website to actually make me feel like I was inside the story itself.
I've done the exact same things on Facebook and done the exact same song and dance with friends, hoping they ask about me but rejecting the inquisition any ways. It was a rough many years but I'm better now. Yet this still captured the feelings perfectly. Through it I learned not to be afraid to tell your family or close friends how you are really feeling. Don't want them to worry? Don't want them to stress about you? That's what family and friends are for, to be there for you when you can't do it alone.
I had a suicide scare a few years back. I was admittedly lucky, no damage was done and I had enough sense of mind to call my parents before anything happened. Still I remember how terrified I was of myself and how close I was getting to something horrible. It took everything I had to not do something, and reach out for help.
While I haven't had anything happen since there are still times, every few weeks or so, that I have the exact same thoughts and ideas that Twilight here does. Even when I in the middle of a crowd of people at work I secretly want someone, anyone to ask me if anything is wrong. They hardly ever do, and when they do I just smile and say I am fine, just tired.
I love what you wrote here even if its not pleasant to see someone else going through similar things. I wish everyone in this situation the best of luck! And I hope you can find a reason to keep going and get out of the darkness for good. Still looking for mine, but I will get there.
You ever feel like death would be no different from life?
Hey, I do this except I pass it off as bad suicidal and self harm jokes that offend or confuse people while I laugh and internally die.
What story? There is no plot, no development and no point whatsoever. This is words, but certainly not a story of any kind. You might as well have typed out "I'm sad" a thousand times, because it's pretty much the only sentiment that is ever expressed - the "story" begins on that notion and ends on that notion. Literally none of those two thousand words actually mattered in the slightest - the narrative ends with everyone on the exact same spot they started. No one learned anything, nothing was achieved.
It's a pity party for the sake of a pity party. You could have posted a sad picture of a dead kitten instead, for all the difference it makes.
... Wow. You've captured how depression feels so well. I can't remember ever having a story which I can completely relate to. But reading this? It was like reading my own thoughts. It's amazing. Have a well deserved follow.
I got like this once. I remember the only thing that felt good. A friend walked up to me and didn't even ask what was wrong. She said two words. One, sort of: "C'mere" She held out her arms, and I didn't even resist. He hugged me, good and long and hard. And it felt... good. I didn't even know I wanted a hug, but it felt good. she smiled and waited for something. I gave her the briefest of smiles, then continued on back up to my room. I still felt awful, but my entire day no longer sucked. Just most of it. That was enough. I hadn't even burdened her. She just gave a friend a hug. It was good.
I hope someone hugs you.
I was expecting something else... Like AJ helping her, but well... Errr... Uh... Not bad I suppose
I was suicidal when I was eighteen, freshman year of college. There was a lot going on at the time, and I couldn't see a way out that seemed as appealing as just... well, ending it all. I remember my approach was actually quite similar to Twilight's (and yours, by extension), constantly posting little messages and changes to my profile on social sites hoping someone would notice, and then clamming up the moment someone actually offered to do something about it. We had a rock behind a fence overlooking a highway that I used to sit on for hours at a time some days, alternating between thinking about things and wondering what would happen if I just threw myself off of it.
I've avoided stories that cover the topic of depression and suicide since my own experience with it, since I find that a lot of the time they don't accurately capture that feeling. You did. Reading this story was like a stomach punch to the gut from how familiar it was to me, even though it's been years and I've gotten better from that mindset.
Thank you for writing this. I didn't realize how much I needed to read that someone gets it until now.
I mean this with no offense;
I think you need to distance yourself more from a situation like this before you make a story out of it. You need to work out what you're trying to say and why, and what I see here is just that you needed to say something personal.
That can work really well. And it's obvious from the comments you've hit right notes with it. But no, this isn't really a story, this isn't good catharsis. I'm talking about this right now with someone else who is pretty versed in the mental illness side of things and, we agree that while this comes from an honest and sincere place... it's kind of a safe one. A non-threatening story you can show to normal people what a generally accepted idea of depression is.
It's not particularly confronting, to me. It doesn't have a message, or a motive. It's you trying to talk about how you feel without trying to show what that means yet, or what to do about it, or why it's important. It shows what it's like to hit a low, but not what it's like to live there. Not what it's like to have been there for a very long time, where you just went down once and never quite came back up.
Here's something me and my brother did once; We drove past a particular bridge and we both stared out of it as we passed over it, and stared back at the road. And I just went;
"We were both thinking about how thin the guardrail on that one was, and how easy it'd be to drive through it, weren't we?"
"Yep."
Then we laughed for two straight minutes because we really were thinking the exact same thing, and then we got home, and then went and had a normal day because that's just life for us. You don't type stuff out and delete it anymore. You say I'm sad but you don't turn down the help because you don't want to deal with being helped, you do it because you know that when people offer to help they don't understand the significance of what they're offering, and when they try they become so burned out on you because you're just taking them up on exactly what they promised, and they can't help but distance and disconnect from you because that burns them out, and they don't deserve that.
And you know that because it's been years, now, and you've had practice and experience, but things haven't changed.
This isn't really a story about depression yet. This is, right now, just a story about a really bad day. There's a potential for significance that isn't here.
I think it'd be interesting if you took the time to think of it more like a story, and really tried to show something with it while still keeping to the honest place that inspired you to write this.
8391148
It also does depend on the degree. Because - well, I've been where you are referring, on both sides, the one burning people out and the one being burned out. And in the intervening time, I've gotten much better on both sides, on avoiding reaching out so far to someone I burn out, and in just..generally feeling better such that when I do feel a need to reach out, it's temporary rather than a weeks-long burden till another friendship frays and breaks.
It's complicated. Because on one hand, yea, you're right - it doesn't yet go far enough in showing what it's like to deal with it for weeks and months and years and why that can be paralyzing in terms of reaching out.
But on the other hand, plenty of people haven't even entered that phase of the cycle yet. They're still hiding it completely, and have never reached out, not really, and so aren't even aware of how it often goes when they do.
And the keyword is oftne. Not always - because when you do find the right person, who has the energy & expertise & time to help, one way or another - well, those weeks and months of feeling like shit and venting about it start to somehow move you forward. Slowly, tentatively, but it's forward. And once you begin getting momentum, holy shit.
I have a hard time interacting with depressed people these days. Not because I can't understand them - I can understand everything in both story and your post - but because I want to help and go 'Look, it worked for me, just do this and this and this!'
Except I remember enough to remember that's just what the happy people said to me back then, the ones who never had any idea what it felt like at all, and how much that hurt because I knew I couldn't.
So now? Now I'm trying to figure out what there is to say beyond 'That sucks, and it can get better, but for now, it sucks and I'm sorry'.
Anyhoo long way of saying I think both of you are right.
8391159
I agree with all that.
But my larger point is that this isn't a story yet, with a larger point to it, and I was trying to give examples of the kind of larger issues would make it a story. They may be the later stages that this piece isn't referring to yet, but those were just my proposed angles of approach to addressing the deeper notion that this doesn't have an actual point, yet, beyond "This state of mind exists and happens". While that's an important idea that needs to come from a place of honesty, you need to do something with it once you've started saying it.
8391188
Yes and no. Sometimes, yes, the story needs an arc, etc, etc. But sometimes the story is just a window to examine a particular feeling or state of mind, which I think this is - the story is basically about going in not knowing and coming out grokking it better. What point does it need beyond that?
8391191
Because you don't come out of this grokking it better. There's enough here to examine and identify what it's looking at, but not draw meaning or new understanding from it. That's what I mean when I say it isn't transgressive, or cathartic. It gets in, it identifies the headspace, than leaves.
And, to be very blunt, it's not that unique or interesting in the headspace it identifies. There is nothing here not better seen in any given episode of Bojack Horseman, just off the top of my head.
There's no authorial intent I can see here for more than what's shown, a flavour sampling, a premise. It doesn't need an arc, but it needs a meaning to be beyond 'This feeling exists, and here's what it was like for me to feel it' that isn't here.
And I'm coming across far more harshly out of necessity of addressing these comments, and I apologize sincerely to Dubs for that, because I understand the personal nature of this story and what it represents.
I'm not heartless, but you're the one who's published it to a public space, mate, and I have a vested interest in seeing stories like this, like this one in particular, being fully realized. And aside from WLAM, a comments section like this is often going to turn into a hugbox by necessity, because most people see this for what it is and are empathetic human beings who care about the author.
I do too. But I'm also a firm believer in this subject matter being explored, rather than simply holding a mirror to it. Because it doesn't help the people who feel like this just to tell them how they feel, and it doesn't help to show people who don't understand what this is like something like this because it doesn't show them how they can, can't, should or shouldn't help. All it does is make Twilight a pitiable character.
And I don't need people in this position to be pitied. I need them to be helped and understood.
8391232
Windows are a part of understanding, though. Like, I get everything you say - and its valid - but there is room for stuff between 0 & 100, so to speak.
Yes, it could be stronger. Everything can be. But...at the same time there is more to it than that. I mean - what message/motive do you believe should have been incorporated here? What arc do you want to see?
8391302
I mean, tbf, Numbers has already given examples of one potential arc. Asking an audience member to not only identify their issues with a story but also to systematically repair them when they've already been able to articulate a specific, guided criticism of the text can be a bit of a leading question.
Personally I tend to agree with Numbers here. This story has a mood and a concept, but it lacks a shoe to drop, even the shoe of "and then I woke up and it kept happening".
8391302
The current authorial intent here is; "This is how I, the author, feel". It explores that feeling for the purposes of letting you pity the author, and then tells you that this is the author in the author's note with the big screenshot in case you missed the subtlety.
What I'd like it to be would be to do literally anything more than that, regarding a pretty fragile subject matter. I know what directions I'd take, but they're irrelevant. I've already written them, because they were the ones that were important to me.
I'm sure Dubs has important things to say about feelings like this more than just that he's the one feeling them. That's what I'd like to read instead.
Sorry... I've been through some rough patches in life recently, and while they've left me feeling miserable, this... is truly sad.
What would happen is that I'd look at something, something that reminds me of an event that's started sending my life a big hit. It didn't even have to ring a bell. I'd start crying, then thinking...of things. While Twilight seems to be focusing on suicide, I'd be focusing on how worthless I was.
I don't really know what to say, it just strikes close to home. I feel sorry about this...
If you don't feel too good and I'll be happy to talk with you. I might not fully understand, but I can empathize with feeling washed out. The only thing that kept me from running away or killing myself was cowardice, and at that, I am thankful for it. Things got better. I had people to talk to and time to reconcile myself with my feelings, so much better now.
This strikes a chord with me. I hope things get better for you. Find supportive people, or just give it time.
Now, story-wise, looking at the plot... It's unfinished. We see the start, the progression... but there is no true ending, so to speak. Not sure if it has progression, it goes through a dark endless loop... Like depression can seem to act.
But what happens afterwards? Does she go to sleep in years and wake up again to the same vicious cycle? It doesn't look like she'll get help, from friends or otherwise. What happens?
This story is... rather personal, I know, but what about a little expansion on this, please? Does she quit on it all, get help, or just try to block it out and turn into a shell of herself? What happens next?
I'm too afraid to die or kill myself. So I won't then. Frustrating to see people suffer in the near way you do and the only thing you can do that say is "Fight it." It's these emotions or anti-emotions that just f things up. And logic can only take you so far because your logic might say "Go kill yourself." And you're going to fail. and fail. and fail. over and over again. over. Buts that okay, you're not dead yet.
One trick is the to keep on moving to falling platform to falling rope to whatever until you can get on solid ground. Even then it's not always going to be stable. Pretty much keep moving.
This is frighteningly accurate.
Ive been close to this.
I know others who have been there.
Very well written.
I’ve been there. Exactly there. It’s a pretty shitty place to be. I’m still here because a friend didn’t listen to me, ignored my claims of ‘I’m fine,’ and forced me to admit how I was feeling.
Thanks for writing this. You put into words a time that I doubt many can talk about.
Fuck...