Katie Sinclair was once just a normal 11 year old girl that lived with her mother in Georgia. However one day she woke up to find the world not the same way she had left it, instead she was now a Pegasus Filly and had no idea where she was or what happened to her mom.
Along with a Zebra filly named Alicia Davis, Katie sets out from her hometown to try and find out what happened to the world, and to her mother.
Set in Starscribe's Ponies After People universe.
Cover made by Shivannie.
Chapters (9)
Ooohhhh a new story!
A nice start but not enough to really have an opinion yet. Though I will say, it is written enough to seem like it was from the perspective of a 10 year old. No hugely fancy words or thing like that.
Seems nice so far, very interesting premise, but the story would likely benefit from a bit slower ability development. She's a pegasus for just a couple of hours, and yet she's already capable of moving the limbs she never had before - and even achieve some lift (in LPoE Cloudy Skies spends weeks of hard training to get to the same point).
8381145 Yeah, sorry, really in all honesty her wings are useless anyway, she's a flightless Pegasus similar to Scootaloo from the show and I wanted to establish that early on, I didn't even think of that.
8380952 Yeah I worked hard to make sure it felt like it was from the perspective of a child, I had to keep myself from using fancier words several times since I'm used to writing adults.
Awesome story!
I'd like to start off by saying that you've done so much well here--brevity is the soul of wit after all, and more has happened in this one chapter than in some whole stories. Excellent job not getting bogged down in the unimportant details, excellent job setting a scene and giving us characters we care about.
I really, truly cannot say enough good things about this story so far. It reminds me of all the reasons I enjoy these stories in the first place.
I do have a few suggestions:
Every writer has their favorite quirk. For me, I often screw up my said tags. I think yours is the comma splice. Beware!
Check out your first sentence:
This is four sentences. I don't think there are any easy rules for finding these, just... if you could ever switch out a comma with a period and have the sentence still make sense, it should probably be a period. Use em-dashes and semicolons to link complete thoughts, though in general a full stop is always better. There are a few others in the chapter that really stood out as well, but I'm sure you can find them.
Seriously though, great work. It's nice to see such an authentic perspective. It's nice to see a story that doesn't waste time on pointless details.
It would be nice to see a little more detail in future chapters, particularly where the characters would notice. (for instance, are the houses human-sized, implying they're actually from our world? Or are they pony-sized houses, implying we're much further in the future? That seems like a detail a child might notice.
Also to the tune of "not a problem but would make the writing stronger." In the future, consider small changes to the wording that wouldn't make it any longer but would help us paint a stronger picture. Like changing "food" to "cans" or "bedding" to "ratty sleeping bag." Again, this isn't a problem or a mistake. just one of those useful tips someone gave me.
But that's a minor gripe. Overall, I love what you've done so far. You've done more to win me to these characters in a few thousand words than many authors do in a whole story.
8381281
Well, it'll take more chapters together a more honest impression of this story
8381940 I understand, I just wanted to use the first chapter to set a few things up.
Its a good start. Like the others i am reserving judgement for the second chapter. So far, I am liking the story.
Thanks, an interesting angle on younger returnees. :)
The Zebra storytellers remind me of the "books" in Fahrenheit 451.
8405355 You're actually not that far off the mark, while I didn't really make them exactly the same they do serve much the same role.
I'm curious, why do so many people in Georgia come back as zebras? Is there something about their culture that aligns their souls closer to that species?
8419807 I have no idea, I'm just making this up as I go and I wanted a sizeable faction of Zebras.
Alright, caught up. Still some quite good characterization, nice world building, lots of good things to talk about. But there are some weaknesses introduced as well, that never appeared in the first chapter.
The pacing as slowed significantly since the beginning of the story--more happened in that first chapter than in all three of the others combined. More events in themselves do not a superior story make, but what more happening brings is brevity. What set your story apart from all the others out there right now (in terms of side story) was your fast pacing. It stopped things from getting dull.
On two occasions so far, I found myself thinking "we aren't really going to have to hear all that..." and then we had to hear all that. Specifically, the founding information about the zebra tribes and bioshock. At least to me, both of these sections slowed the pacing to a crawl, and really yanked us out of the narrative to things that we already knew or just didn't matter for what's happened so far.
The advice I've always heard is this: give as little of the backstory as possible, in a story that's as short as possible. Find your core narrative, really focus in on that narrative, and toss everything in the bin that doesn't directly connect with that narrative. We really don't need star wars or Bioshock to understand the core narrative--a single sentence on either subject would've been enough to establish framing for the world and we could've moved right on. On the other hand, the real information about a possible new tribe of zebras and one of our character's backstories only got a few lines near the end of the chapter.
My suggestion for the future is whenever you get a really great idea you just love, think very carefully if it actually helps advance your core narrative or not. If the answer is no, then, as the proper writing cliche' goes, maybe it's time to kill your darlings. I can't tell you how many awesome ideas I had for Last Pony on Earth that never made it in, because they had nothing at all to do with the central drama.
8420023 This actually may be a first, usually I get complaints about being too fast paced, this is the first time someone actually complained that I was slowing down.
I admit the little bits from Star Wars and BioShock were a bit much and I could've left them out. I'll refrain from being that much of a nerd from now on, plus they've served their purpose, yes they have a purpose.
I'll focus more on the narrative in upcoming chapters now that I have my intended world building out of the way.
8420045
It's a first because of reader self-selection. If your story is too fast for some readers, they're still likely to be at least a little on-board. They want to see the movie you're making, just a little slower.
But when it's too slow, readers just get bored and put it down. They're not likely to feel invested enough to comment.
I'm not saying it's bad in these three chapters, though. I don't want to come off that harsh. (if I really thought that, I just wouldn't comment at all) It's just got a few directions to look at for making the story even better... at least in my mind. Obviously that's just one opinion.
DJ Serenity? Raises eyebrow So Serenity's crossed universes huh? But in all seriousness, this was a good chapter and I suspect the Herd will play a part in Alicia and Katie's futures...
Yeah, I'm wondering about the The Herd myself, and what kind of marks they leave that would have Nightingale concerned about.
On a side note, why are you capitalizing Unicorn, and Earth pony?
8484078 The Herd's indoctrination process can be a bit, intense at times and, well honestly other than that I haven't decided yet.
And, I dunno, just used to doing it I guess.
When is the next chapter
8486459 Geez, I literally just posted this yesterday!
I don't know yet, sorry.
Oh ok sorry don’t mean to rush you
8486463 Its okay.
I get that reference! Begins to hum the Wanderer
sadderbutwiser.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/captain_america_i_understand_that_reference.png?w=584&h=423
Awww... Probably one of the most squee worthy moments in this entire chapter, if not the story for it's sheer cuteness along with them trying on clothes.
8381145
In the episode, “Baby Cakes” the infant Pegasus Pound Cake in diapers was able to fly and then stand on the ceiling. Also, nopony said that it was unusual for Pound Cake to fly. Therefore, being able to fly at that young age is considered an innate ability for a Pegasus.
Perhaps, Cloudy Skies was thinking that the world still worked as it did before the Event. Therefore, it took her weeks to be able to tap into the Force to activate her magic. In other words, maybe it takes longer for humans turned into ponies to relearn the post-Event physics of their remade reality to activate their inner pony magic? I suppose that being near Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy created some type of magical connection that helped Pound Cake fly?
More importantly, I suppose it depends on the individual author and how closely their stories follow the cannon series and how much their want to create new guidelines on how fast or slow their characters learn how to use their inner abilities. We can attribute differences in magical strength in how strong magic is in different areas on Earth. Perhaps, places like Stonehenge have existing magic that can enhance or decrease the overall magic of an area. Or, we can attribute differences in magical strength in author perspective on their individual story.
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/8/8d/Pound_Cake_oh_yes_S2E13.png/revision/latest?cb=20130522004009
8514041
Oh, I don't doubt for a second that every returning pegasus (since the Word of God is that this one is flightless) is capable of flight since the first day.
My concern is not of the kind that the pegasus doesn't have the required magic to fly. It's just that they never had wings before. It is quite inevitable that they will learn, and that it would take them a various amount of time, but at the same time, it's harder to believe that it takes some of them mere minutes. Pound Cake has the advantage of being born that way.
It's heavily implied in the original series, that post-Event physics is exactly the same as pre-Event one. Also, both kids in this story are Returnees.
Indeed. It might be just my personal issue with the stories where people are being transformed into a creature with a different set of limbs, and it takes them only several moments to start acting like they always were that way, especially if the process implies no mental manipulation (because it'll be silly to poke this at Pandemic, where there's a massive mental adjustment going on during the transformation process, or Five Score, for obvious reasons). It's not a large one, but it's still here.
8514071 Well, I mean it wasn't minutes, more like hours.
Also the most recent chapter confirmed that she can't fly.
8420023
You should put your awesome yet unused ideas into an Atlas and Encyclopedia of your fictional universe. Perhaps, other authors can expand upon your ideas, building up the world not touched upon by your main story?
Your story could use a few details about the city of Nightingale. For example, the school teacher could tell Katie and Alicia, “The city limits extend to the Athens Perimeter also called State Route 10 Loop. In the highway’s median strip, ponies have built a stone wall around the city to keep everypony safe from harm. Thank the Construction Guild for that and the other post-Event structures within and outside the walls.”
“Not far from here is the neighborhood known as Greektown. This place is named after a busload of Greek tourists who were visiting Athens as part of Athens’s Sister Cities diplomacy network. The original Greek tourists and their tour bus arrived seven hours after the event. So, don’t act surprised if you see somepony wear part or all of a traditional Greek costume.”
“Most adult ponies are part of the city’s volunteer guard. The guard trains for combat while wearing body armor and personal weapons, our armored vehicles, and our armored train. I’m a weekend drill instructor teaching civilians to get to the nearest community shelter and then defend themselves from attackers, if they get inside the walls.”
“Yes, our city does have both indoor and outdoor, public swimming pools that have been rebuilt for ponies. You may not believe this, but some returnees tell me that they now swim better as ponies and other creatures then they did as humans.”
“Those tall windmills that dot the city? Those structures are more than for generating electricity. They have weapons hidden on their roofs; some weapons were made before the Event, while some were made after the Event. Those rooftops are filled with many weapons intended to defend our city. Therefore, these places are dangerous and thus forbidden to civilians to set hoof there. And, that no entry goes double for you foals. No climbing or flying to these windmill roofs!”
“Don’t forget to look up, as you might see a Pegasus freight wagon, an airship, or an old pre-Event airplane coming to or going from the Athens Airport. Our local Pegasus built a new airport control tower made of clouds way up in the sky, to get better range for radio and radar. That tower has a sky lounge for Pegasus travelers. I know that sometimes Pegasus foals get overnight sleepovers inside the sky lounge to experience a night above the clouds. There is a special Unicorn spell that allows Earth and Unicorn ponies to walk on clouds. Thus, you guys get to have sleepovers above the clouds as well.”
“What is my most memorable moment concerning returnees? I’d say that would be seven years ago in late May when an Oscar Mayer Wienermobile rolled into our town. Two of the most confused and bigger than normal pony Hippogriffs, wearing parts of their Oscar Mayer uniforms stumbled out. After they attended returnee school, they started a modern cargo wagon delivery service. You would not believe how those Hippogriffs can pull with ease those big cargo wagons into the air. Oh, the Wienermobile became an airport taxi, popular with visiting ponies.”
Honest, I just wanted to write the first paragraph and then that all come out of my fingertips. I blame Equestrian magic for all of that.
8551978 That's, actually some really interesting ideas, I admit I still haven't worked out a lot of the details for Nightingale and Haven as a whole. The only real note is that the defense force is the People's Army, but a fairly minor detail really.
two questions, are they both orphans walking down the road and probably getting adopted?
and uhm could you explain that universe to me?
8553235 The explanation is in the fic itself, but no they're not both orphans, but because of the nature of Ponies After People being that they've re-appeared, their families are still missing and they are very much alone.
8553258
sorry but I somehow only noticed this part.
I kind of had the hopes they are in Equestria or an alternate version of it having to fight to stay alive or something till they meet someone.
I'm not understanding that part, but it looks like this is the universe where suddenly only two or three ponies still exist on earth and nowhere else is to be found?
I tried to look into the chapters and I'm only curious if the others are ponies or just a huge amount of human turned pony.
8553312 Almost all humans have been turned into Ponies or other species.
8553326
aaahhh okay sadly I was hoping for them being found by equestrian ponies at some point and now that I understand it I admit this is sadly not what I was searching for.
8553375 Yeah, sorry... though if it was earlier in the timeline, like really close to the Event, that could've happened.
Hmm, possible idea for future Ponies After People fic, kids living close to the Event cross paths with Ponies from Equestria...
Once in elementary summer school, we students and the adult teachers had a lecture about acting followed by a performance by a traveling Shakespeare Company of university Theatre majors. What if a traveling Shakespeare Company composed of metamorphosed changelings were to put on a similar performance to the one I saw many years ago? Would Katie and Alicia think to ask the traveling changelings if they had seen or heard news of their missing family members?
Awwww... After reading your other Ponies after People fic with a Dragon portrayed as they often are in literature, death dealing beasts of fire, flames and sharp teeth and talons, it's nice to see one on the other side of the spectrum. Just offering shelter to two little fillies lost in a world they don't quite understand.
8571712
Malla I wished to be a gentle type of Dragon. It's hard to see how most think its normal not to see that.
8551978
Did you know that there are six Oscar Mayer Wienermobiles operating with a crew of two “Hotdoggers” each in six different areas of the United States all year? Thus, multiple writers can use these vehicles in their stories, or game referees for your tabletop, role-playing games. Despite the Wienermobiles having six seats, these vehicles only have a crew of two Hotdoggers each.
Here is a link to my Wienermobile blog article.
The Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile at the Halloween Costume Carnival 2017
Oh boy... Why do I have the feeling this Starkatteri crap will spell trouble for Alicia in the future, given how nervous ponies are, being herd animals? (For the record, I totally support Alicia and Katie as a ship.)
8608237 Oh great, now you have me trying to think of ship names for them.
8608245
Smirks
Will our two protagonists eat their lunch at one of the city’s Waffle House restaurants? When I was a child, I really loved waffles and these restaurants make some of the best waffles I’ve ever eaten. Just look up the key words “Athens Georgia Waffle House” on Google Maps for locations.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Waffle_House
I was wondering if the foals of the Nation of Haven would be dividing their time between school, play, and assisting their nation’s defense. Much like in World War One and Two, city foals could be collecting scrap metal or planting Victory gardens or pooling their money to purchase War bonds.
War bonds
I can imagine our two protagonists decided to assist the city’s adults build up the People's Army by finding something useful by going caving under the city of Nightingale. They find an undiscovered gemstone cave that is inspired by the one depicted in the episode “Gauntlet of Fire”. That discovery of so many gemstones, some that can be used to make magical items, causes much conflict within the Free Nation of Haven as they decide what to do with this newly found wealth. How much of this wealth should be spent on the military and how much should be spent on uplifting their society with better schools, parks, and transportation options? It would be a dull story if our protagonists didn’t have several ways to upset the applecart of the city of Nightingale’s status quo.
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/f/f3/Rarity_levitating_the_gems_S6E5.png/revision/latest?cb=20160417133102
When I consider Scootaloo, I see her having strong wing power. Scootaloo can reach fast speeds on her scooter, even while pulling her two friends in a wagon. But, she lacks the natural lift to overcome gravity as the other Pegasus like Rainbow Dash has. Katie Sinclair could develop powerful wings that allow her to become another Scootaloo.
What if the dark forces of the stars that I assume feed on fear and terror attempt to make an evil deal with Alicia? The stars tell Alicia, “When you turn this world into our domain, we in turn will give you incredible power. You can give your friend Katie the power and stature of a Princess to become the greatest Pegasus in this world. You and your friend can rule this world similar to how Princess Celestia and Luna rule Equestria. With our power, you can do anything you wish including returning you and your friend Katie to your human forms.”
The stars using Alicia’s friendship with Katie to make Alicia become evil is something that could be in the actual TV series. Maybe, the stars took away Katie’s magic of flight just so that they can make this deal with Alicia.
After all, in the episode Shadow Play - Part 2, it was Stygian that was taken over by a similar darkness that was overcome by friendship.
8640551 You're actually pretty close to the mark, but you got some details wrong but we'll get into that later. Yes, the stars are involved heavily in what's going on and there was an influence on Katie's state, but you'll see what that is later.
Learning from the essay, “Oo, THOSE AWFUL ORCS!” by Edmund Wilson
Please consider what I believe is the strongest point Edmund Wilson wrote about the Lord of the Rings: “The ring is at last got rid of by being dropped into a fiery crater, and the kingdom of Sauron ‘topples’ in a brief and banal earthquake that sets fire to everything and burns it up, and so releases the author from the necessity of telling the reader what exactly was so terrible there.”
Please show us what is so terrible about the Herd. Please do not tell us readers via a dull lecture describing why the citizens of Haven need to fight the Herd. Instead show us by talking to those ponies who have escaped the Herd. Let us talk to those Free Nation of Haven soldiers and civilians who are crippled in body and/or in mind during the Great Georgia War.
Allow us readers to talk to now adult ponies, whose soldier and civilian parents were killed by Herd soldiers, when these adults were foals during the war. Imagine talking to the now adult offspring of an Earth pony married couple who were pulling an insulated cargo truck full of fresh Florida citrus, intended for the foals of Haven, which were murdered by Herd soldiers. By describing why the Herd is so terrible will transform your story from a good read to a great read.
In the war between the Free Nation of Haven and the terrors of the Herd, were they any military force similar to the Lincoln Battalion during the Spanish Civil War? I can imagine that similar representative democracies would send soldiers and support troops such as combat medics and combat engineers to fight the Herd before the Herd overruns Haven and then directly threatens their nations.
Lincoln Battalion
Even in peace, Haven and other democratic nations would continue to work to build a united military to contain the Herd. I can image that this united military would be similar to NATO in Western Europe.
NATO - Homepage
8727685 Its certainly possible, the ones on friendly terms with Haven at least.