Its pretty decent, but nah didn't get much emotions out of me, the happy ones were stronger. Probably because im a celestia fanboy
A mistake here and there, some typos and such but descriptions aren't really your thing i would say? dont worry my either. Always easier to think of something then to properly describe it on "paper"
Also its a universe where you changed history, so why not add the AU tag.
911677 Thank you for your opinion. I'm still going to finish this story though whether people like it, accept it, or hate it. Plus, in the first chapter, I think I cleared out all the mistakes while you commented on the story
I'm done with changes and corrections for the first three chapters. Please inform me of any flaws I missed in editing the story, such as misspelled words or sentences that don't sound right. Thank you everybody and I will be writing more chapters soon. for now, I need to come up with more ideas and possibilities.
911767 *appears besides you and whispers* You do cocaine?
911761 Glad to hear , there are still a few things. Ill list some here in chapter 3: First sentence and already "huh" : >"Everyone must heal wounds that go away soon" Wounds going away could be just the same as them healing, at least that comes to mind for me, i would just delete that and the let the second sentence be the first.
>"...I hadn’t warned her about me adopting you..." Maybe "I didn't tell her about you" when talking about him of course she would (at least logically) mention she adopted him and we know that, no need to repeat it.
>"The time I spent in the medical room now was passing by so slowly that it made me confused. Coming out of the mini coma was odd." From all before that i would think he was aware of all around him, yet here and after that its like he was unaware of all and a month passed like a day. How did he then get up when the nurse brought him food, be aware of Luna and be frightened of her when she entered, Celestia explaining it to her etc.
Ok ill stop here since i have other things to do, maybe ill continue later.
Also most spell Everfree and Wonderbolts together.
912448 Alright, I think i clarified the sentences more thoroughly so the reader gets the point but then, I'm the writer and it's hard to read something that you wrote and ask yourself "would the reader understand this?" Thanks for the help and if you have the time, I would appreciate your comments for the changes in the story.
Hmmmm. Description contains a typo. Give it a quick fix. Some petty types are critical of such things. Though to be fair, errors in the description often indicate trouble in the story.
915347 I see where I messed up on the description And I'll check my capitalization errors for all chapters. As for the troll thing, I needed a way to get my point across that this guy was no push over; That and if the ever free forest had something like timberwolves, I thought hey, why not a troll, that and I hate trolls. If you know what i mean. Sorry, but what do you mean about flip flop Celestia? I thought I got her character personality down fairly good. And lastly, I see what you mean about Zecora. In a little bit here, I'll go ahead and make it more clear that she kind of knew the troll thing would happen. Thanks for the advice
915347 I think I got everything and you were right. I missed a lot. Thank you for the constructive criticism. Let me know how I did and hopefully, if that was you who disliked this, I hope I was able to change your mind.
911502 help me out. what... do you feel when reading this?
Its pretty decent, but nah didn't get much emotions out of me, the happy ones were stronger. Probably because im a celestia fanboy
A mistake here and there, some typos and such but descriptions aren't really your thing i would say? dont worry my either. Always easier to think of something then to properly describe it on "paper"
Also its a universe where you changed history, so why not add the AU tag.
911677 Thank you for your opinion. I'm still going to finish this story though whether people like it, accept it, or hate it. Plus, in the first chapter, I think I cleared out all the mistakes while you commented on the story
911767 Thanks. I have lots to write, but I have to pace myself.
I'm done with changes and corrections for the first three chapters. Please inform me of any flaws I missed in editing the story, such as misspelled words or sentences that don't sound right. Thank you everybody and I will be writing more chapters soon. for now, I need to come up with more ideas and possibilities.
911767
*appears besides you and whispers* You do cocaine?
911761 Glad to hear , there are still a few things. Ill list some here in chapter 3:
First sentence and already "huh" :
>"Everyone must heal wounds that go away soon"
Wounds going away could be just the same as them healing, at least that comes to mind for me, i would just delete that and the let the second sentence be the first.
>"...I hadn’t warned her about me adopting you..." Maybe "I didn't tell her about you"
when talking about him of course she would (at least logically) mention she adopted him and we know that, no need to repeat it.
>"The time I spent in the medical room now was passing by so slowly that it made me confused. Coming out of the mini coma was odd."
From all before that i would think he was aware of all around him, yet here and after that its like he was unaware of all and a month passed like a day. How did he then get up when the nurse brought him food, be aware of Luna and be frightened of her when she entered, Celestia explaining it to her etc.
Ok ill stop here since i have other things to do, maybe ill continue later.
Also most spell Everfree and Wonderbolts together.
912448 thanks, ill edit this momentarily. kind of busy dealing with stupid stuff at the moment.
912448 Alright, I think i clarified the sentences more thoroughly so the reader gets the point but then, I'm the writer and it's hard to read something that you wrote and ask yourself "would the reader understand this?" Thanks for the help and if you have the time, I would appreciate your comments for the changes in the story.
Hmmmm. Description contains a typo. Give it a quick fix. Some petty types are critical of such things. Though to be fair, errors in the description often indicate trouble in the story.
915347 I see where I messed up on the description And I'll check my capitalization errors for all chapters. As for the troll thing, I needed a way to get my point across that this guy was no push over; That and if the ever free forest had something like timberwolves, I thought hey, why not a troll, that and I hate trolls. If you know what i mean. Sorry, but what do you mean about flip flop Celestia? I thought I got her character personality down fairly good. And lastly, I see what you mean about Zecora. In a little bit here, I'll go ahead and make it more clear that she kind of knew the troll thing would happen. Thanks for the advice
915347 I think I got everything and you were right. I missed a lot. Thank you for the constructive criticism. Let me know how I did and hopefully, if that was you who disliked this, I hope I was able to change your mind.