Art Inspired
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Meh, would have been better if it was Celestia being used as a slave. I am disappoint.
911384 it isnt that kind of story.
911470tone it down?
im gonna have to wash my eyes and listen to korn for an hour after reading this
911502 help me out. what... do you feel when reading this?
Its pretty decent, but nah didn't get much emotions out of me, the happy ones were stronger. Probably because im a celestia fanboy
A mistake here and there, some typos and such but descriptions aren't really your thing i would say? dont worry my either. Always easier to think of something then to properly describe it on "paper"
Also its a universe where you changed history, so why not add the AU tag.
911677 Thank you for your opinion. I'm still going to finish this story though whether people like it, accept it, or hate it. Plus, in the first chapter, I think I cleared out all the mistakes while you commented on the story
not bad so far
911767 Thanks. I have lots to write, but I have to pace myself.
I'm done with changes and corrections for the first three chapters. Please inform me of any flaws I missed in editing the story, such as misspelled words or sentences that don't sound right. Thank you everybody and I will be writing more chapters soon. for now, I need to come up with more ideas and possibilities.
911767
*appears besides you and whispers* You do cocaine?
911761 Glad to hear , there are still a few things. Ill list some here in chapter 3:
Wounds going away could be just the same as them healing, at least that comes to mind for me, i would just delete that and the let the second sentence be the first.
First sentence and already "huh" :
>"Everyone must heal wounds that go away soon"
>"...I hadn’t warned her about me adopting you..." Maybe "I didn't tell her about you"
when talking about him of course she would (at least logically) mention she adopted him and we know that, no need to repeat it.
>"The time I spent in the medical room now was passing by so slowly that it made me confused. Coming out of the mini coma was odd."
From all before that i would think he was aware of all around him, yet here and after that its like he was unaware of all and a month passed like a day. How did he then get up when the nurse brought him food, be aware of Luna and be frightened of her when she entered, Celestia explaining it to her etc.
Ok ill stop here since i have other things to do, maybe ill continue later.
Also most spell Everfree and Wonderbolts together.
912448 thanks, ill edit this momentarily. kind of busy dealing with stupid stuff at the moment.
912448 Alright, I think i clarified the sentences more thoroughly so the reader gets the point but then, I'm the writer and it's hard to read something that you wrote and ask yourself "would the reader understand this?" Thanks for the help and if you have the time, I would appreciate your comments for the changes in the story.
Hmmmm. Description contains a typo. Give it a quick fix. Some petty types are critical of such things. Though to be fair, errors in the description often indicate trouble in the story.
Well... On inspection, multiple cpitalization errors, troll from nowhere, flip-flop Celestia, Zecora bearing weapons... it's... rough going. To be nice.
915347 I see where I messed up on the description And I'll check my capitalization errors for all chapters. As for the troll thing, I needed a way to get my point across that this guy was no push over; That and if the ever free forest had something like timberwolves, I thought hey, why not a troll, that and I hate trolls. If you know what i mean.
Sorry, but what do you mean about flip flop Celestia? I thought I got her character personality down fairly good. And lastly, I see what you mean about Zecora. In a little bit here, I'll go ahead and make it more clear that she kind of knew the troll thing would happen. Thanks for the advice
915347 I think I got everything and you were right. I missed a lot. Thank you for the constructive criticism. Let me know how I did and hopefully, if that was you who disliked this, I hope I was able to change your mind.
too quick for events to happen, you need to stretch out the emphasis on the moments to make it more real otherwise its ok, 4/10 but if you fix it id say 6 or 7 out of 10
Just one thing I forgot to mention: There is a grammar error at the start: The tales of heroes is like the running water. That should be "are" not "is." Also, depending on what you mean in the second sentence, there might need to be a comma after "by." You seem to have fixed a few things but there are still capitalization problems. All sentences start with a capital letter, even if it's a quotation inside of a paragraph.
As for the Celestia part she goes from firmly preparing to execute no-name to suddenly breaking down into a pile of mush just because he looked vulnerable. That seemed a bit abrupt.
919562 Hmm... I see, now that I say the beginning of this story rather than thinking it... It does sound better with "are" instead of "is". I will have to remember that. As for Princess Celestia... A lot of people just aren't getting why I made this event happen the way it did. I've tried explaining the fact that she thought no name, or as I am currently calling him "Titan", knew he was the son of Discord, in which, when she realized he didn't know... Have you ever almost made possibly the WORST mistake of your life only to realize that you were doing the wrong thing seconds before you were going to do it? That's how she felt... Actually... that sounds pretty good... I might include that in the story just after she puts the sword down... But it still sounds sloppy... Let me finish the last chapter of this and then I will be able to deal with the other stuff. once again, thank you for your help.
So you like comments? Here's my like and fav for you. Interesting story, I must say...
1017664
I expected a bad ending.
if... if it's okay with you? 
Can we get an alternate happy ending or a sequel?
And by the way... that was brilliant! I bucking love you for this!
The story seemed a little rushed, but everything was there.
This story was
images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120812041418/thefanfictionwikiofgtfandphazon/images/6/69/Clapping_Magic_.gif
Luna's language is all wrong:
“Thou will DIE!!!"
Should be:
"Thou shalt DIE!!!"
Thou art when speaking in singular= thou ist
Words like is, needs, and does=add a t to the end
Use more old-fashioned language like shalt instead of will.
There'st much more to be discerned about thist most fascinating subject, but thist mighst help thou write better Olde Equestrian.
OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NEVER SAID THIS BEFORE... BUT YOU SIR HAVE THE BEST STORY EVER, AND I WANT TO SEE HIM COME BACK TO LIFE AND MARRY SOME ONE, HAVE KIDS (FILLYS SORRY), AND HAVE AN EVEN MORE AWESOME/EPIC ENDING!!!!
My reaction at the beginning:
My reaction in the middle:
My reaction at the end:
EPIC STORY SIR!!!!!!!!!
1734107 It needed more attention, and it needs to be rewritten... Thanks for the opinion, fave, and watch btw.
1734134
Trust me I already did long before your reply!
May we have a sequel?
"She knew I would be adopted my some pony and I was." Did you mean to say by instead of my?
Also, "I felt the grown beneath my hooves shake and rumble." Did you mean he felt the ground?
Here's a two in one: "Rarity and Twilight was at the punch boil sipping on some drinks." You should change was to were, and boil to bowl.
6257945 On a story so old, I hardly care anymore.
Titan had a big heart, but didn't think himself great. He had the greatest strength one could hope to get, but that didn't make him a hero. A true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.
Most think of Celestia's sister, not as Nightmare Moon, but as Luna. I'm sure people will also remember the slain hero Titan who gave his life for Celestia. The ruthless villain NoName, son of Discord, will not be what people see when they think of Celestia's son.
Although Discord will laugh on the outside, he will be internally tormented for the rest of his life. Such is the fate of all immortals, whether heroic or villainous, demon or benign: whatever feelings they have, they will carry said feelings for a long time, until dramatic events, good or ill, bring new feelings in, shaking out the old. This was perhaps for this reason that Celestia freed Discord: although he continued to be a thorn in her side, she wanted desperately to feel anything but hatred against he who took her son.