• Member Since 14th Mar, 2016
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

Lil Penpusher


Put the words in the bag and nopony gets hurt

T

A long, exhausting journey by sea comes to an end as the Venturer, a merchant ship, approaches the docks of Baltimare. On board are ponies such as as Edmond Dash, the first mate of the vessel, and Danglarjack, an equally ambitious as mysterious mate.

Edmond in particular is grateful to be home at last. His heart yearns for his soulmate, Shycedes, a beautiful mare who had lost both her parents in a tragic incident one year ago, living her life as an orphan ever since.

But in his hurry and eagerness to meet up with both family and loved one, he turns a blind eye on those that wish him harm.

The next days will be joyful for him, that may be certain, but his enemies don’t rest, and they won’t show pity.


This story is quite obviously heavily inspired by the ‘The Count of Monte Cristo’ musical and the animatics of the musical, created by Ink Potts. This also means that most of the Mane Six are playing male roles in this story, as they did in the animatics.
This is not an exact replica of the story, however, and will vary in various places and outcomes.

Proofread and edited by the lovely 'Don't Look At My Name Bro and TwiWonderfilly

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 40 )

A very interesting and very well written version of the Count of Monte Cristo. You did a fantastic job on this piece of work. Can't wait to see what happens next!

8341242
Thank you very much for the kind compliment! Glad to see you’re enjoying it. I will certainly try and keep the pace with releasing new chapters, though it might be a bit slower now that vacations are over and school has begun again.

Let’s stay optimistic though, shall we? :ajsmug:

8341253
Of course, I'll stay optimistic I liked the whole story of the Count of Monte Crisco and thought this version of it was very good. I am looking forward to reading more chapters when you have the time to write them.

Ooohh :O

This is getting good.

And I say that as a person completely unfamiliar with the story.

Ok so far so good. Story is great of course and well written. I suppose it is a bit off that characters despite having pony names still resemble more their original counterparts rather than ponies. Edmond is more Dantes than Dash when I read his dialog.

8348879
As it is intended. I didn’t actually decide to use the mane six (or any other canon ponies) because they suit their roles well personality-wise, nor did I really intend to show their canon personality.

In this story, they aren’t really the mane six, so they don’t actually have their personalities. It’s a bit hard to get a feel for it, but this is largely inspired by the musical and the animatics, which you should watch asap so that you see what I mean.

Cheers! And glad you liked it so far :twilightsmile:

Before I read this, what is the Dark tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?

p.s. or is it jes like the The Count of Monte Cristo

8351979
It's not just like The Count of Monte Cristo, no worries.

The Dark tag for this particular story does not involve gore or anything like that, but mainly involves betrayal, hopelessness and such.

So nothing too dramatic, you see :moustache:

8352321

It's not like The Count of Monte Cristo,

The Dark tag for this particular story ... mainly involves betrayal, hopelessness and such.

but the  The Count of Monte Cristo, is Dark mainly because of betrayal, hopelessness and such

8352414
Certainly, but that doesn’t mean it will all turn out as you think it will.

That’s all I’m willing to share for now :ajsmug:

I love the dialogue in this! You seem to be able to make it seem very olde timey, and yet still really modern. Hats off to you!

8367463
Comments like yours are exactly what a man needs while doing his homework, hehe.

Thanks a ton though, first time I really tried with anything ‘old-fashioned’ language-wise :twilightsmile:

Oh yay! You posted it :yay:

8370019
After tens of hours spent on suffering correcting the mistakes you pointed out, yes.

Yes, I did. Hope you like it, after all :moustache:

8370131
It was told you would destroy the editors, not join them! You were my brother, Solly! I loved you!

8371759
Fine, then! *huffs* ~<3

Just don't show this to Dumas.......

Oh man! YES!
I watched that animatic and I guess one of the rules of the internet is being paid off, if someone can write it, they will.
(P.S. Your Buttercup avatar picture image is so CUTE and adorable and I just wanna hug her and cry and die and *gasp, starts to choke,* Heart attack! *dies*

8416539
Hehe, thanks for the interest!

And thanks, Derpibooru is my diabetes provider :twilightsheepish:

Oh no! Poor Edmond. :pinkiesad2:

Some notes:

the purple-coated alicorn

Huh? He's being played by Twilight? I was picturing Blueblood, or a male Rarity. Also purple alicorn syndrome.

<everything>

1. Beware of tense swapping. The first paragraph is in present tense whilst everything after is in past.
2. Beware of passive voice. There's almost no energy or emotion thoughout this entire sequence.
3. Beware of talking head syndrome. Characters are more than their voice and facial expressions.
4. Beware of 'telling not showing'.
5. Beware of redundancy. You already explained that the photo had his family. Repeating that just bogs down the prose.

8418060
Mhm, he is. I’ve actually mentioned him being a “purple alicorn” a couple times before, silly.

The other stuff... well, there’s always room to improve, I suppose. Especially for a non-native speaker like moi :twilightblush:

8418079
Yeah! I just bring it up because how can you improve if you don't get any feedback om what needs improving?

I’ve actually mentioned him being a “purple alicorn” a couple times before,

Oh. Huh. I must've forgotten.

8416542
I don't really do much on art sites, MAYBE one day though... eh, who knows, but anyhow I look forward to reading this one day...

Welp.

Empty comment section.

8451517
Yaaaay!

Nice chapter by the way. I cen see you're improving on the things I pointed out

8451677
... I am?

Oh, uh, yes! Of course! I meant to do that. Pfft, obviously. Duh.

:twilightblush:

Welp. I... think I know where this us going. *checks for the tragedy tag*

Now, that's some romantic fluff right there. 😆😆

OMG MOAR :flutterrage: this is too good keep it up mate :heart: poor Dash :fluttercry:

Liked the story so far, when will you complete the story?
From what I saw, you didn't update the story for almost a year! I really would like to see what happens next... Please update... Please? :fluttershysad:

9153702
Life's been very busy, and I've also been busy writing things outside of fimfiction. I do want to continue this story someday, though Im not sure when or if I will be able to do so eventually

Sorry :ajsleepy:

In the words of every Star Wars movie: I have a bad feeling about this.

Fernand is still an evil character, no matter the species.

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