I unfortunately lost interest in this project, if the year long no-updates didn't spoil it for you. Especially after (Season 8 spoiler)Spike got his wings, most of what I had planned was completely useless. I know I can continue into my own "cannon" But at this point, I don't want to, and I don't feel like it. I'm sorry for anyone that I disappointed. I may, sometime in the future, come back to this when I'm not bored of it any more.
After a growth spurt, Spike has to endure puberty, Dragon style.
My first uploaded fic. Constructive criticism wanted!
Sex tag for some references, implications, etc. No actual sex will be taking place in the story.
Chapters (6)
I love it so far :D I love Twi's interactions with Spike and how motherly she is I also love that you did not make Scootaloo homeless that's a big plus in my book have a like and a watch :3
With all the gems he collected, he could cash them in for a lot of bits.
As a first-timer, I'd say that the story was well written and very worth the read. Characters were relatively realistic and believable, and the main idea of the story is fresh.
For that, a like and a favourite! It's not that often that stories of this good quality are found on this site, so I commend you for that!
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From England, with love,
- Dan Ribe (FireRain)
Overall, I liked it, but there were a few jarring moments.
It took me a good few seconds to figure out what was going on here. The constant quotations obscure it, and it just doesn't flow very well at all. I still don't know what the "ditto" is there for.
That last part feels completely out of sync with the narration before and after. Rather than comical, it's just distracting.
Two things here. First, if you need a footnote to clarify what the narration is saying, than the narration isn't very good. Though in this case, it just feels unnecessary. The previous paragraph provided the necessary context.
Secondly, when using a number, you generally want to write it out (i.e.: Fifty bits as opposed to 50 bits) unless the value is very high.
Despite my criticisms, I'm intrigued. This isn't setting any charts on fire so far, but it's written with a general competence and I want to see where this is going. An allowance admittedly isn't the most interesting of plots, but it's clear you plan on building from here. I can give this a like, and I'll follow it for the moment.
I look forward to seeing what you bring to the table next.
COMMIE SCUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMM
I must have more!
really interesting so far
I look forward to more.
I haven't read yet, but for constructive criticism, you should really trim down the intro text that describes the story. Something like:
"Nopony really knows what to expect when dragons come of age. Spike and his friends are about to find out."
The idea is to tempt ponies to read the story, not try to exposit the whole thing. (In general, discussion that introspective and exposition-expository is bad even in the story itself. You want to lead the reader to draw those conclusions on their own, by showing them events and dialogue that trick them into coming to the opinions you intend them to have.)
I wonder if Spike will grow in his wings
Is this going to be a *Mama Twilight fic?
*I hope so
Seems pretty good, so in this story Spike is roughly around the same age as the Mane 6?
Personally, I'm not a huge fan of Twilight being a mother to Spike. In my mind I've always placed Spike and Twilight at around 4-5 years apart.
Haven't noticed any spelling or grammar errors in the story yet. Might re-read a few times just to be sure though. Keep up the good work!
Haha, I loved Scootaloo's monologue there...I don't get an allowance either, also because my parents don't believe in Communism. I'm still a little bit confused as to the price of a bit...are you giving its amount as a dollar, or...because, I don't think $1,000 would be much of a monthly royal stipend, though Applebloom can't be getting much more than maybe five dollars a week. In bits, that is.
All in all, though, cute story! I'm interested to see where this goes!
And then he starts to hunger for delicious pony meat...
8319699
I didn't think about that. I need to change that number now. I want it to be worth more than a dollar, but not to the extreme that Diary of a Madman does it where 500 bits can buy you a house (great story btw, go read it if you havent) I'll figure it out and edit it.
8319692
I put Twi and the rest of the main six around 20 and the CMC around ten. Assuming that when Applejack says they were younger than the CMC when they got their Cutie marks is by a decent margin, I'll give it a few years. Mainly 2-4. So when Twilight hatched Spike she was either 6 or 8 in my mind. This fits because she sounds younger too. So Spike in this is 12-14.
8319617
Not sure, still have to decide
8319596
Again Diaries of a Madman gave me a headcannon: A dragons wings grow in when they most need them. We'll see if he gets his.
8319568
Thanks, I'll try and revise it!
8319564
Thanks!
8318227
Adam Ruins everything gave me the idea!
8318227
This has been the most helpful so far. Writing it, the first part did feel awkward. The second part of the monologue is supposed to be a joke, and I'm not entirely sure how to rewrite it to keep the comedy and not be distracting (I just don't see it :/) so it'll stay for the moment. I'll fix the footnote, number, and the first thing you highlighted. Thanks!
8318184
Thanks. I'm glad for a first try, I succeeded.
8318105
You mean the gems he eats? :P
8317995
I was thinking about it but I thought it was overdone imo. But I'm a heartless bastard and the world isn't sunshine and rainbows so I gave her poverty and she's tough enough to handle it.
Thanks for all the feedback! Second chapter out in an hour or two!
8319969
your welcome
I'm interested to see how this turns out.
Okay, I was hoping it wouldn't take long for something more to happen, and it did. There are many interesting possibilities for this, and I look forward to watching them play out.
I noticed a couple issues, though.
Eons, not aeons, and there's no need for the capitalization.
And that I feel is a poor choice of words. The word "sinner" usually has religious implications, so to have Spike refer to himself as one without there being anything religious going on in the story just feels incredibly jarring. My first thought when I read that was "Wow, that came out of nowhere!" You might do without the caps lock as well, but I'm not really sure what the rules are concerning that.
That's about it, then. See you next time.
8320312
I found the word "sinner" to be functional to the comedy here... it IS biblically overblown considered the circumstances, but that's just the point. Any other word in its place wouldn't really have sold Spike's panic.
Looks like this is going to be an interesting story! Nice work, Trenton!
8320331
Oh. Was it supposed to be comical? It didn't really come off that way to me. With that in mind, I'm not entirely sure how serious the tone is supposed to be.
I did like the joke later on with the elephant.
Will the Cutie Mark Crusaders also be going through puberty?
I really love the premise you're working with here.
even more interesting
lets hope Spike can control himself
8320331
8320389
It was meant to be dramatic, not comedic.
8320492
Maybe. If not I'll think about making a story about it specifically. This one is a Spike focus though.
8320537
Thanks!
Why can't Twilight inform Ember of this?
This is coming along very nicely! I'm enjoying the relaxed slice of life feel. Relaxed though it may be, the pace is nice, not sluggish at all, and is pleasantly interesting. Looking forward to more. Nice work!
I'm guessing that you, like me, isn't knowledgeable enough about such tricks so to be able to describe one in sufficient detail. In which case, nice recovery.
That's okay. I'd totally missed it until you pointed it out.
Twilight making Spike's initial allowance 15 bits a months seems rather odd. Especially considering Twilight herself noted that Applebloom's 20 a months seemed low, and that Spike did more work then Applebloom. Personally I expected her to offer him at least 25 a month.
This could be a bad decision on my part, but have you heard of It Takes a Village? Maybe you can derive some inspiration from it...
I'm definitely looking forward to more of this. Spike growing up is a favored topic of mine.
And Spike gets less than Apple Bloom? Dang. Is this one where Spike works full time for Twilight, basically?
8320670
y tho
8320832
Thanks!
8321366
I don't remember saying Applebloom was a little low in Twilight's mind. I said she didn't have enough data to make sure. Also, I'm going out on a limb and assuming that working on a farm in the heat is quite a bit worse than taking care of house hold chores, even for a home as large as the Castle of Friendship.
8321876
Working full time sounds kinda harsh.
THird chapter and chapter one and two edits coming out sometime today!
good chapter
and I do like Sweetie having a crush on Spike
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Sweetie/Spike? Okay. We don't have enough good stories of that nature, so I can run with it. The actual conversation between Spike and the CMC felt kinda stiff, though. Mostly jokes I felt like I've heard plenty of times before, and that Do not/do too thing which I've become rather tired of seeing. That's a bit of a personal gripe, though.
I like that Twilight was more upset at potential theft than anything, but it feels odd that she didn't ask to clarify that. I might be nitpicking at this point.
Sorry if I seem overly critical most of the time. I have an easier time spotting things that bug me than I do spotting things I like. I'm still very interested to see where this story is going.
Awww, supportive momma-Twi is great. This was actually an interesting turnout! Go Spike!
Much less awkward than when my parents discovered my browsing history a few years back
I think Spike needs to experience the horror of voice breaks
It'll be 3000+ issues of that magazine.
Plus Sweetie Belle looks to me eye-humping on Spike.
I'd personally rather you stray away from stuff like drinking stealing drugs etc anything that would have Spike be punished, not sure why but I've always hated punishment in stories :/ but I love comedy :D
Also I'd love a scene where Spike calls Twi Mom or Mama
Awww this is precious~!!
Mama Twilight for the win!
8324000
Knowing Twilight, her prefered method will be to have an entire presentation prepared in the morning. No doubt with references and carefully cited sources.
"I was saving this for when you got a bit larger Spike. Your body is going through changes and you'll grow curious, so it'll be better if we're open about this sort of thing from the start."
*A magenta glow pulls down a whiteboard, already covered in diagrams.*
"Save any questions until the end please! The pancakes smell delicious, by the way."
8322107
MY bad on the Twilight thinking 20 was low, guess i miss interpreted that part. Sorry. Honestly it's sometimes hard to tell who has the more demanding work load between between Applebloom and Spike. Spike works inside rather then outside but the flip of that is it seems like Spike works more hours.
8324120
All of the yes. I can totally see Twilight doing this.
Nice chapter! I like how both Spike and Twilight dealt with that particular pubescent bump in the road. I'm glad we got Spike's inner thoughts on objectifying via thinking of Rarity, but it might've been nice to have Twilight teach him/him learn through books/through somepony else that objectifying mares you don't know is very important too. It's okay to ogle dirty magazines/porn because that's pretty much their job and they consented to it, but what about random mares in the street? Maybe a few chapters down the line, you could have him learn that, while his hormones are probably going nuts right now, it's not an excuse to ogle strangers in the streets, as it makes them feel very uncomfortable. I don't know, maybe that'd be too redundant.
Maybe you could have his thoughts stray to mating, say when just going about his day, including when he doesn't want to, like when he's hanging out with the mane six (or whoever he strictly considers friends/like family) and feels embarrassed about having his thoughts go to that and worrying if his face is all red. No need to stray into *cough*random boner territory*cough* or anything quite that graphic, but just the embarrassment of thinking such thoughts at inappropriate times.
You could also have him go through changes in his scales that embarrass him, some sort of dragon equivalent to acne. Not just spots, but something that conveys how our society finds acne gross as well as unpleasant to look at (some people do, though it's not very nice of them). Maybe near constant localized shedding of skin (like a snake) or scales?
Another thought would be to have him wonder if he's 'too mature' for Sweetie Belle once he finds out she likes him and he considers dating her. Not in a physical age mind you, since in this chapter it says he's around preteen age, but more mental maturity. Spike acts kid-like sometimes, but he's now growing to explore more adult things, while Sweetie Belle still acts a bit childish yet. Nothing wrong with either of their mental maturities for their age, but I could see a scene where he wants to do something more mature (like have a discussion, do a crossword puzzle, doesn't want to go on a crusade with her cause it's dangerous/way too silly, walk around a mud puddle instead of spash in it, etc.) but she wants to do something more fun. They could work it out in the end of course, but it would just be interesting to explore that polarity a bit.
P.s Sorry for the comment length, guess I got a bit carried away!
Alondro's right eyebrow rises so high, it crashes through the ceiling. "Uhm, it's been an oligarchical system since its founding, and a pure monarchy for a thousand years. At most, one could say within the general populace it has more in common with the French bourgeois system which began emerging during the Renaissance period, which was a system of independent merchants neither nobles nor peasants; basically the very first middle-class. What you may be referring to is the very 'demanding' way in which the tribal ponies took what each tribe needed from the others who could provide it. BUT, one must recall that such a system PRECEDED the founding of Equestria and what has emerged since then is far closer to capitalism, which each merchant setting his or her own independent price for goods and services with, so far as we can see, almost no government intervention whatsoever. We haven't even seen a system of taxation, for that matter. A communist system would be one in which the government controlled every aspect of production and distribution, which is a radical departure from ANYTHING we've seen in Pony history."
And the other things I must point out which rather crack the immersion: 1. How do ponies know about such terms as 'socialism' and 'communism' given the radically different world they live in from ours which has been ruled by a single benevolent leader for a solid millennium? 2. Why are those topics being thrown out rather bluntly and without any internal narrative purpose in the first chapter of a story about Spike growing up?
8319699 Uhm... an allowance would only be 'communist' if you're sitting around doing nothing for it.
See, our system was CAPITALIST in the house. There were chores that HAD to be done in order to receive the 'payment' for the work, and the allowance would increase the more tasks we took on and performed faithfully. It developed a very powerful work ethic in me and my siblings. So much so that my two bothers started their own businesses after leaving home, while I went on to biological research... which involved taking mice apart to see how they work inside! (Alondro hit his head a lot as a child...)
Ok, how silly is this story supposed to be? Is this a completely absurd farce? Lines like this suggest it must be, as they do not belong at all in Equestria... yet I find myself not finding any of this amusing. There is no real set-up to anything.
And some are tonally wrong for the character for whom they're associated. Jokes like the 'elephant in the room' feel forced when dealing with someone like Fluttershy. That sort of humor would work with Discord, Pinkie... or the Warner Brothers... but not Flutters.
And for others, it's taken too far:
That's more of a threat than a joke. It's not funny.
So I'm curious as if to this was intentional or just what got typed. Presuming "Playmare" is the equivalent of "Playboy" why isn't it "Playcolt/Playstallion"?
8324707
))
Ah, I see. Great to see another's perspective! I've been taking out the trash every week for around $5, since I could remember, but I never considered it "allowance", more "job wages". When my parents and I say "communism", I'm referring to what I hear the more...typical route, where children get a set amount, every week, regardless of chores, good behavior, or any of that. As in, if Spike were to dust shelves, transcribe letters, sweep the castle, and polish the chandelier in a week..he gets twenty bits. Twilight and her friends leave the castle for a week and make a public announcement so nopony comes by for advice, so Spike eats gems and reads Power Ponies comics all week....he gets twenty bits. Ergo, communism. ((Or, better yet, we could delve into the flaws of this practice further by hiring, let's say, Scootaloo, as a second assistant and pay them both the same amount, regardless of work done...but I think I've already rambled enough, haha.
And that's awesome that you work in Biology! (I'd love to hear more about it, if you have the time...possibly in messaging or across e-mail.) (Has nothing else to say...*dabs*)
8322555
No, it's very good you point these things out. I don't want anything becoming stale. I'll see what I can do.
8322569
Glad I don't know that feel!
8322610
Great idea. Ha. Hahaha. MWAHAHAHHAHAH!
8324000
They'll be having a talk within the next few chapters about a multitude of topics, that included.
8324369
Excellent ideas. I had a few of the same and I think I know where this is going a bit better now.
8326551
See, I thought this too, but "Playstallion and Playcolt both just don't sound as good as Playmare. Let's just assume that with with the skewed gender ratios, Playmare is the only one that exists in this universe and it covered females. That's not to say that pornography catering to females doesn't exist, but it doesn't hold the "Play" title.
I know I promised to edit yesterday, but the wifi I was bumming off of went out. My friend got it turned back on today, so I'll be doing that today. I also have a brand new chapter ready to be edited and published, but I gotta wait for my prereader to get on. (Without him, This story would be like, 10-20% more grammatically incorrect.) So be on the look out for that. I'll post it when I'm done with the edits of the chapters if its pre-read before then.
8324817
Welp. I appreciate your input and I'll try harder to think of what jokes can work where in the future, but there's not a whole lot I can do about this other than continue writing and try to figure out who would say what in any situation. I'm sorry you're not having a good time with this one, but I'm trying the best I can for a first attempt. Thank you for pointing these out.