Equestria is suffering.
Princess Luna feels alone, powerless and utterly depressed. In her weakness, she accepts an deceitful Ex-Guard back into her service, one who only wishes to manipulate her for his own gain.
Feelings of loneliness and pain couldn't have come at a worst time though. As things seem bad enough , war is on the horizon, Ponies go missing daily and Celestia invites a strange new race of beings into Equestria. A strange bipedal species from a dying world, who command little trust and carry possibly dangerous motives and desires.
As Equestria witnesses their Princesses fight over lies made and secrets kept, and civil war becomes ever more likely, in a place far away, Rainbow Dash has to survive in a world without friendship, and one bathed in fire and constant death. Her loyalties will be tested, and soon she discovers teaching loyalty and friendship to others is a task far harder than she expected.
Friends will be pit against friends, but will it even matter, when the portals of hell open, and darkness floods the land?
Cover art by the amazing Little Tigress
Are the humans evil in this?
8304389
Well without spoiling too much , yes, humans will be the primary villains. Although not ever one of them will be so , there will be a few human characters who aren't so evil.
Is this story is dead or to be continued, please don't tell me you gave up :(
8355054
Not dead at all! ive been away but new chapter ready as i write this :)
8357724
Thanks and yay 🎆👍, btw will the humans in the story have any similarity with the Metro game?
8359182
Similarities indeed. I wont spoil too much for you but a main character's personality will be shaped very much by similar experiences to those games. Some of the most atmospheric games ive played honestly. Apart from that, im taking inspiration from all sorts of post apocalyptic worlds. Fallout, The Road, Mad max etc. Hopefully i can create a unique version of my own with what im planning :)
Keep the good work up, but try to make Navnlos crack up a bit, you know like showing some sympathy :)
8373701
Thanks, and will do :) that was my plan anyway. For now, the post apocalyptic grumpiness remains ( and for reasons youll find out soon ;) )
And some flirting wink wink ;)
8374645
haha, cant disappoint the readers
please tell me this bitch gets killed, cuz apparently you can't say a word about them without getting you head chopped off
Well, good job mate! But it makes me curious about the current factions that currently exists on the remnants of humanity. Maybe you can make one of the faction to be the good side or the remnants of the old government before the nuclear war, like the Order of the Rangers in Metro or the Enclaves in Fallout. Or you could make Navlos part of the good faction, and when he arrives at Equestria, he can act as an diplomat and a bridge between Equestria and the good faction, and telling the truth about the rest of the faction to the princesses.
Anyway, its just a (cringy)suggestion from me, keep up the good work!
8404587
Thanks for the continued support dude. and they will certainly be some suggestions ill consider! Definitely have some similarities to some of my plans
Nope problem man, cause I saw a great potential for your story :)
And btw, I'm just wondering. In the story how long has the nuclear war pass? So I could get the whole picture of the story and gave you better suggestion.
8407061
its around 175 years, more or less. The world is mostly devastated but enough time has passed for civilsation to reemerge
Good job for the character development of the commander!!! Time to check in with Rainbow and Navlos about their whereabouts and conditions....
Ha! Take that RD!
rainbow kinda started it i whould be annoyed too if some stranger just stares at me for no reason and when another acts that rudely towards me from the start you dont say to introduce yourself it ususally means you are looking for a fight
Well looks like there's a crack on the wall, good job mate! Your story had always make my eyes glued to it!
how did rainbow get there again? i forgot how
8573928
There as in how she is in the Human world? As of now , all that has been explained is that there was a flash of light and some sort of magic, so basically a portal. She doesnt know whast happened so thats an explanation that'll be revealed in a later plot.
Love the details of the story, I must say it was very impressive for you to make a such high quality details for this story.I'm still looking for the feelings and relations between Rainbow and Navlos. If you know what I mean
I do have a feeling that Salutis faction will share some similarity like the New California Republic or Caesar's Legion. But I do hope that they will meet the enclave or the ranger version faction in this story.
I guess time will only tell... :\
8646758
There will indeed be multiple Human survivor nations. They will all be original of course, dont want to be directly copying, but as the the factions you stated all arose from certain situations in their world (the Enclave originating from the US government) so will the nations in my story. It'll basically be a mix, with Saltuis for example having aspects from factions from other mediums. Of course, it'll also be influenced by who exactly will be leading it, but more on that soon.
1. The humans win. Guns > 2/3 of Equestria
2. Why are the humans evil? “Oh no, our society is dead! To solve this problem let’s take over this new land and instead of finding our own land, we take over the land of sapient ponies because fuck it”
3. Rule 76
8650930
yeah, tbh we all know if a force armed similarly to our world fights the ponies, it wont really be fairfor the furry little things, but the point is not all Humans are evil, if any in fact. The worst ones just see their actions as doing the right thing, but even they dont just want to take over the wolrd just like that. The Human world is in a mess, and various apposing factions makes life difficult for them, so as of right now in the story, a diplomatic mission has been sent, even if they are being deceitful about certain things, so that they can flesh out what the next course of action is. Sure, they could invade and conquer, but that would be costly. An alternative is to eventually ensure Equestria submits in the face of a potential war so no lives are lost. Should this happen, resources a plenty could be gained from Equestria. Or, Pony magic may be of great interest to some Humans, causing them to want to involve themselves more in Pony life.
You'll have to remind me which rule 76 is so i can answer the last point ;)
8651000
Rule 76: No sex or romance between humans and non-humans that look drastically different from humans
8651003
I have no plans to make this a clopfic, both out my inability to write such things and my hesitation to do so. For now, friendship is barely a thing between my characters, let alone romance. But i see your point, for the Humans, romance with Ponies would be crazy, and i agree with that. Within the story itself, im planning to make this a part of it so no Human blindly enter a romance with a pony without them even questioning it. Hopefully i can make it rather realistic and not just a ship for the sake of it
8651020
“Human blindly enter a romance with a pony without them even questioning it. Hopefully i can make it rather realistic and not just a ship for the sake of it“
So there WILL be human-pony romance?!?!
8651025
Who knows, I haven't planned any so far. If i feel it can contribute the the quality of the Story, i hope i can make it so that i do it justice and ensure it retains realism. I dont believe any romance in my world can be like ours today. A romance for my Humans will be one on necessity almost, comfort in such a dark place, and among Humans only, one of furthering the species. If i do decide to make a cross species romance, i know i would want to make it a strong friendship essentially, not one of all loving kisses and stuff. It will be for a partnership each character can trust when things go south and allies are needed. Think of it as the strongest type of alliance.
8651036
Humans would want to keep the species going. Humans cannot cross breed. No
8651038
Yes? Every Human ive mentioned so far in my story I know doesn't think they can crossbreed, nor do they want to? If we are talking about Navnlos, his opinion of Rainbow is still rather low, only now just accepting the fact she is journeying with him. And lets say, hypothetically, and rather unrealistically, he falls for rainbow, in his mind he will be questioning what he's doing, this is going to be not a romance only story after all. Even if he doesnt want kids I know he wont want to try with a Pony, so my point is this. Yes, in time, he could form a strong friendship with a pony, but he wouldn't ever want to treat it like a Human romance. This is basically a story like if aliens visited earth and what people would do
Very good story my countryman.
8651277
Ah thank you very much, my rooty brother . Very much appreciated 😊
Loving this so far !
So, here we go, the small review I have promised you.
First thing first, the descriptions: Leaving aside the cover art, descriptions are the first thing the potential reader will see, thus, they have to be very appealing. Looking at your short description, it doesn't really tell me anything. It speaks about some ex-guard returning, tension rising between Luna and Celestia and a new threat to Equestria appearing. Three mostly unrelated things. What should I expect from the story?
To be honest, the long description doesn't make the picture far clearer. It's also quite long and a little rough around the edges at times (for example Corruption in now rife, some random upprecase letters and punctuation). I see this as one of the more plausible sources of the dislikes.
So, what to do with this issue? I'd say, erase completely both of the descriptions and start writing anew. Look at a few stories with similar settings, try to analyze which seem good, which don't and why. Looking at the comments, you have there quite a lot of loyal readers, so if you are unsure what to write, it might be a good idea to ask them to sum up the story for you in a few sentences. You can build the description from there on.
Just remember to keep the descriptions short and straight to the point, no excessive branching off.
Now for the story itself. After reading these first two chapters, I still don't really know what to expect. However, Solar Virtue seems interesting to me, his story would just need a little bit of ironing out
It is like a continuos stream of thoughts and flashbacks that can be a little jarring at times. Also, I'd say, remove the Author's Note remark about him not being a cliched OC--you should prove that it is going to be like that in the story itself.
Grammar-wise, there were some random typos or incorrect words used at times, but it's nothing a quick glance from a proofreader couldn't fix. Also, watch out for inconsistencies in capitalization, such as Pony/pony. There were some recurring issues with punctuation in direct speech (might talk about them a little more, if you wish), but all in all, the story could still be read without bigger issues. It might have turned away a few readers, but all in itself it's probably not the biggest problem.
From what I have seen so far, the pacing and flow have been alright, with a few occasional sentences branching off into some things that could have been a little confusing. Also, some of your paragraphs are nearing the "wall of text" proportions and would require some splitting. You do well in writing dialogues and descriptions, just avoid overusing the word among, and repeating some information, just like in the very first sentence: A small campfire flickered among the dense trees of the forest it was among.
The atmosphere and immersion of the reader in the story is where I think you could have done better. Looking at the prologue, it is clear you intented for it to be heartwrenching, especially with the filly at the end. However, it falls rather short in this area.
What could have been done better:
First of all, we don't know what happened to the group of ponies, so we can't really sympathize with them. Did they lose their home in a flood? Are they the last of their kind? Were they cast out of some community because of a crime? All of these are plausible, so some clarification is needed. This leads to another problem. They are just a faceless group of ponies. Let me explain; you hear about an accident, let's say that a bridge fell down and a few people died. Nothing more. Hmm, it's sad and unfortunate. But now imagine that you knew more about the victims. One was a succesful doctor, who had saved hundreds of lives. Another was a young man, just walking to visit his girlfriend and propose to her. Next, there was a single mother of twins, who had been stashing money for months to buy her children a birthday present and was looking forward to the party that evening. Suddenly, one feels much more sad about the accident, ain't it true? All because the people are suddenly more than just, well, people. You should do the same with the group of ponies, giving them some background to make the reader care.
So, to sum it up:
All in all, this is definitely not a bad story. It has its flaws here and there, but if you find an editor for the long term work, these could be dealt with easily. I see the biggest issue in the prologue and description failing to interest more enthusiastic readers, resulting in the downvotes taking up a quite a portion of the rating system. As for the source of the downvotes, the descriptions and quality of cover art might be a factor, as well as the whole theme of the story. Gore, human and romance tag together can cause quite a controversy and I'd say that stories featuring humans in war with ponies are simply more prone to receiving worse ratings (Just like FoE stories or some shippings/clopfics.), especially if coupled with other issues, such as grammar.
Anything unclear? Any additional questions? Feel free to ask!
8654340
Wow, thank you so much! That was everything I could have asked, clear and conclusive.
As for the points you made,:
Yeah, i desperately need an editor, no point arguing against that fact. Currently looking around for one in fact.
The other points you made I have to admit, I had my suspicions on such matters, fears even. The first chapter I have been considering just rewriting honestly, and I think it may be time to do so. In terms of my descriptions, I admit i have had some difficulty there. I've never really been happy with them, often changing little details but it seems to I just need to perhaps be a bit clearer myself? To advertise some really good selling points?
My plan for when i wrote them was to have some mystery around it, without it seeming generic HiE. Perhaps I went overboard on the vagueness of it all, but ill be sure to brainstorm some new ideas and look around for inspiration
So overall, thank you for the advice. I need to do some rewriting perhaps in regards to everything the reader first see's but I will ask one question.
While i'm aware I have chosen a controversial topic, which i'm prepared to accept (its the story I want to write of course) but I will ask if there is a way to avoid falling into the trap of presumptions.
What I mean by this is the this; possibly in my description, should I avoid describing the Humans in my story as evil or otherwise bad? Within the story there are never exclusively evil Humans and even to this point, evilness in them isn't so common, so should I frame it more as the Humans not being here to do bad , for example? If that makes sense lol.
Lastly if you don't mind, should I change the cover art for my story? I know its not perfect, but you mentioned it at the end and i was just wondering if it seemed a little off putting? I'm not sure to be honest.
Anyway, honestly thank you so much for the review,. I can never have enough of it, and ill be sure to take your advice and make some improvements out of it
8654558
You are very welcome, glad I could help!
Well, I’m an editor myself (but currently looking over more stories than I could handle, sorry!), I can tell you that being faced with editing of 80k+ story, I’d think twice about offering help. However, I think it might help to mention what your issues are (i.e. direct speech, occasional typos, getting set back on track after wandering off the main plotline) because especially the first two are probably the easiest to dealt with. Might help to interest somebody
Indeed, do all as you said. Also, know that changing little details is the worst thing you can do (I have done it myself a few times before learning it the hard way.), because your mind will still cling to the basic idea, not letting in any new ones. It might seem harsh, but it’s for the best to just close your eyes, delete it all and start from scratch.
Also, a little tip for the first chapter, as well as the description. Try to make them as focused on the canon characters as possible, without lying to the reader (in case of the description). Over the years, I have noticed that readers prefer stories featuring the main canon characters, as opposed to background ponies or OCs. People simply prefer some sense of familiarity while choosing what to read.
Well, if they are not evil in the story, it would be a nonsense to describe them as such, wouldn’t it? Of course, try to avoid calling them bad, but stay as close as possible to their portrayal in the story.
To be honest, the current cover seems to be the biggest thing screaming “Evil human soldiers with flamethrowers are just around the corner!” So yes, I’d be for changing it. Look at it while it’s not enlarged. Many things there blend together, only with Luna and Dashie standing out a little more. It’s nothing truly eyecatching. I think that going for something more simple would be really good
If you ever need something, feel free to contact me
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
9338080
Hmm. I would say for Navnlos, he'd sound very much like Tom Hardy in Mad Max, with that gruff, almost angry voice who has an accent you cant fully place where. For Solar, id say Micheal Fassbender , with an american accent. Quite cold sounding but still pretty "normal".
Underrated story
9449327
Thank you very much! Im glad youre enjoying the story :D
Why does the description hurt?