So, new story. Should be good.
Updates should be around once a week and, hopefully, will remain at around 2000 words. At the very least 1500+.
Edited by the Awesome PieisGood4U
Enjoy
Barrel-of-fun
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The applause of the crowd was hungrily absorbed by the red-headed street performer. He took a low, sweeping bow to the gathered audience as they applauded his skill. He had just finished performing a two hour magic show on the streets of London to the amusement of any who passed by. His angular face was red with exertion and his white shirt and waistcoat clung to his body with sweat. It had been a long and gruelling day working outside underneath the sun in this fancy getup but certain things were expected of street magicians. One of those things was that they looked a bit weird.
If looking weird was a competition than this particular performer might not take the gold, but he would certainly add a sense of style and grace to the preceding. He had red rust coloured hair that hung loosely around his face and was tied back into a long braid that almost reached his waist. Atop his head was a fancy top hat, black, to match the black waistcoat he wore over a pearly white shirt. Below his left eye, if you looked closely, you might make out the small tattoo of a spade from a deck of cards. A sign nearby indicated his identity as the Amazing Ace, Magician Extraordinaire.
His smooth, well-practiced voice raised above the crowd’s applause. He had attended classes to get the right voice that a good performer needed. A husky yet smooth voice that offered mystery and suspense to all who heard it. It could also be used to pick up chicks at bars.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for attending my show. It is now time for my final trick. I shall astound you. Mystify you. Bamboozle you. I shall do a feat that modern science has deemed impossible. I shall disappear!”
The crowd took this news well, bursting into a fresh round of applause. In truth, the disappearing trick was old hat among magicians, but it was the delivery that was important. You could see the same trick a thousand times but so long as the delivery remained fresh then you would still enjoy the trick.
The magician, Ace, raised a large black shroud in front of himself, to block the audience's view. It wouldn’t do to reveal the trick itself. The magic was in the mystery after all. The crowd watched with baited breath, eager to see the outcome of the trick. The automated sound system played out a drum roll and, at the height of the drum’s suspense building tones, the curtain fell to reveal nothing behind it. The audience beat their hands together furiously in applause of the magicians skill, fully expecting him to come out on stage once more to take a final bow.
But the Amazing Ace had performed his last, and most brilliant, trick.
He had disappeared off the face of the planet.
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I awoke floating in some kind of endless void. All I could see around me was purest black, as far as the eye could see. What had happened to me? Had I had some kind of accident on stage? Maybe collapsed into a coma?
Am I dead?
“Relax, young Ace, I have brought you here for a reason of great importance”
“Who's that? Who's there?…God? Is that God? Oh, I’m sorry for not believing in you, I swear I had a good reason…just give me a minute to think of one”
“Calm yourself, I am much more familiar to you than God. In fact, you have known me all your life. I have helped you many a time, you may call me Lady Luck”
Lady Luck? I couldn’t believe it. The lady of Fortune was the only god I had sent actual prayers to in my life. Whenever I was doing a particularly risky trick of playing a high stakes game of poker I had sent silent prayers to the being before me. Just couldn’t believe she was actually real.
Lady Luck chose this moment to reveal herself to me. A tall, full bodied woman in a long, sleek black dress. Her hair rolled down her head in waves of bright red curls, easily out shining to my own rusty locks. Around her neck were a string of pearls that glimmered in a non-existent sunlight. Her beauty seemed to light up the void around us.
Damn. My deity was sexy.
I immediately fell to my knees before her radiant glory. I had never been in the presence of a god before but their visage was overwhelming. Have you ever been in the room with someone particularly charismatic? You know how everyone’s eyes are always drawn to them, ears hang on their every syllable, feet shuffle in an attempt to get closer to them. They have a sort of burning intensity to their personalities that lures the unwary in like moths to a flame.
Being in the presence of Lady Luck was a bit like that. Only a hundred times worse. Usually I would be able to ignore these charming personalities, it was part of my job to be the most charming person in the room after all, but before her magnificence I felt like every one of my character flaws was exposed. The mask was ripped off and I was exposed as the dull, boring person I actually was.
The Lady seemed to notice the effect she was having on me and reigned in her rampant majesty. I felt the pressure ease off of myself and was able to struggle to my feet, gasping for breath. I had never felt anything like that, I was usually a very independent person. She smiled warmly down at me and I felt my stupid gullible heart glow with pride at being noticed by her.
“Ace. My lucky champion. How I have loved to watch your pursuits, but the time has come to move on, and you are destined for greater things. I know your darkest secret, Ace, I know what you did in between shows”
My breathing sped up enormously in fear and I clutched at my chest as if my heart was about to burst in shame. She knew? No! No! I had tried so hard to hide it. Hide my secret shame from the world. Magicians are expected to be a bit weird but in a kooky way, not in that way. I couldn’t let anyone know, ever!
“You watch My Little Pony. You are a Brony”
It’s true! It’s all true! I had been a closet Brony for at least a year now, ever since discovering the show whilst trawling the internet for new tricks to incorporate into my show. Initially I had been turned off but it had grown on me. It wasn’t long till I discovered the Brony community and had been hooked ever since. It wasn’t even about the show itself anymore, the community was massive. A million fan fictions, interesting music and beautiful pictures had been spawned from that show. The show was still a big part of it but personally I was more interested in what the Bronies could do.
“I am offering you the chance of a lifetime. The chance to go to Equestria and meet ponies, but I warn you, it is not like the world you see in the show. The land is in turmoil as forces of epic proportions collide. Other gods are also sending their champions under the rules of the game. They are calling it the Chess Game of the Gods. However, I have always been more of a card player myself, which is where you come in. There are many unfortunates out there who need a little luck and I want you to bring it to them. You shall be my Wild Card and fortune shall smile upon you. What do you say?”
I took a moment to absorb this proposition but once it had sunk in my head could not move fast enough as it bobbed up and down eagerly in consent to this. I would have shouted my affirmation as well but words had failed me before this stunning goddess and her wonderful proposition.
“Very well then, prepare yourself”
She waved her hand once at me and I felt whatever was acting as a floor in this realm collapse beneath me, and I was falling down into the blackness.
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When I next awoke it was in a far more vibrant setting. The void I had been trapped in was replaced by verdant trees, sun sparkling through their branches. I could hear the tweeting of forest creatures around me in this peaceful place. I felt like no place on Earth could be this beautiful, it had to be true. I was in Equestria.
My body felt weird however, particularly my legs. The joints felt weak and aching. I attempted to wiggle my toes only to find I had no sensation down there.
Have I been paralysed?
I was in a panic now, horrified at the prospect of being crippled. I pushed myself up as quickly as possible, ignoring the blood that rushed to my head, and looked down upon what had used to be my legs.
But they weren’t my legs anymore. At least, they weren’t the ones I recognized as my legs. The legs that I had had for the past 25 years of my life. That had carried me from town to town to perform my act.
No, those old, familiar legs seemed to have been replaced by a pair of goat legs. I could only stare at them in horrified curiosity, some parts of brain apparently shutting down in shock at the sight of the furry appendages.
The hair on the legs was the same rust red as my own hair, and the cloven hooves at the end looked solid and real. The legs melded smoothly into my torso just above the waist. For a horrified moment I wondered if I still had genitals.
After a bit of exploration that I shan’t go into detail over I found out that I still do. They are just hidden beneath my fur coat like most animals have. Unless I am aroused, no one's going to see anything that would invalidate a PG rating.
Note to self: avoid strippers
Second not to self: does Equestria even have strippers? They don’t normally wear clothes.
I also noticed that I was naked from the waist up except for a fine looking belt that looped my waist. Attached to the belt were a variety of pouches and bags, inside which I found the tools of my trade. Various lockpicks, colourful powders, a deck of cards, multi-coloured handkerchiefs. Anything the magician on the go might need. I also made the wonderful discovery that my deity had granted me my greatest treasure. An old well-chewed pipe. I had taken up pipe smoking a few years ago as a way to relieve the stress of street performance. Why not regular cigarettes? I hear you cry. Well, I decided that if I was going to give myself cancerous blacklung then I was going to look damn good doing it. Also, I figured that if I lived long enough for my hair to turn white then I would make a bloody good Gandalf impersonator.
My ears felt a bit odd too, as if there was some kind of weight above them. I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to know what was there but my hands had made up my mind before I could stop them. Grasping either side of my head I noticed that there were new additions, what felt like curled goat's horns poking out just above my ears. The horns curled back slightly so that they essentially surrounded my ears in protective bone. A long, thin tail swung out behind me, appearing to have a mind of its own.
My god...I mean Goddess. I'm a Satyr.
After this brief stint of self exploration I dragged myself over to a tree and used it to clamber to my hooves. It was surprisingly easy to balance on them, I just had to remain flat footed all the time, no leaning forward too far. Walking was an entirely different matter. My experience as a human had got me used to the variable balance of feet, being able to push of the ball of one foot and land with the heel of the other. A sort of controlled falling. As a…satyr? I guess I was a satyr now. Anyway, as a satyr I had to be far more careful with my balance and ensure that my front hoof was stabilised before moving the majority of my weight onto it and moving my back foot. It was a while of practice in that forest before I could walk at even a reasonable pace.
Don’t get me started on running.
Satisfied with my efforts so far, I decided to set off and begin my quest. Bring luck to those without it. Simple enough really. Before I began though I uttered to myself words of great power. Words that had been handed down to adventurers beginning epic quests since the days of old. An old earth saying. A phrase of great power and wisdom and consolation to the soul in times of need.
“Allons-y”
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Summer Storm’s heart felt like it was about to burst as she galloped across the plain. Great wheezing breaths racked her body as she desperately tried to draw in oxygen to fuel her escape. Her ears twitched atop her head as they picked up the howls of the pursuing dogs. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep this up but it wouldn’t be long now. They would catch her and drag her back to that damn hole until she was worked to death, but she wouldn’t go down without a fight. The anti-magic lock upon her horn may have prevented her magic from zapping the dogs to bits but she still had her hooves, strong from working in the mines, and her mind, sharpened by her training as part of the Equestrian National Guard. If they were going to try and grab her they better be prepared to lose a paw or two.
She was approaching the edge of the plains that led into the Weaver Woods. Beyond those dense trees was the town of White Tail. If she could make it there she would be able to rally the guard, maybe get some reinforcements from Maneaoplis in the south, and hunt down these damn slaver dogs. Now that she knew where their cave was it would be a simple matter to wipe them out. Just a little bit further. Just a bit more.
She threw a glance over her shoulder and was shocked by just how close the dogs had managed to get. Bounding forward on all fours they had crossed the plain in mere minutes and were almost upon her. In desperation she leapt forward towards the woods, hoping that the forest would be able to provide some protection from the swift dogs. She was sure that she had aimed herself perfectly to fit in between two of the trees and thus was quite surprised when she collided with an object. But rather than slide off of it in pain like she would expect if she impacted a tree the object gave way beneath her, comforting her fall and enveloping her. She opened her eyes to find herself face to face with a creature the likes of which she had never seen. From her position on top of its chest she could see that its face appeared to be furless apart from the red mane atop its head. Its expression was frozen in shock and what appeared to be pain.
“erm…Hello.” Summer managed to stammer
The creature just wheezed something in response. Its voice seemed to be trapped inside it’s throat.
“Sorry, I didn’t catch that, what did you say?”
“You're crushing my chest.” the beast managed to whisper to her.
Summer reared back in shock, accidentally placing even more of her weight on the creature’s chest, who released a pained moan in response.
“Are you calling me fat?!” Maybe now was not the time for this but Summer was quite proud of her body. She had been slim even before she had ended up working in the mine. In her opinion she was quite an athletic mare. Her blue coat accentuated this slim physique and her flank, bearing her cutie mark of a sun peeking out from behind a storm cloud, had been the envy of all the mares in the mine. How dare this random beast call her fat!
“No, your hooves, are sharp.” the creature managed to say, a testament to its determination to insult her as her hooves, which were perfectly normal and not at all sharp thank you very much, were currently placed over each of its lungs, preventing them from reaching optimal working conditions.
Summer was about to send back a biting retort when the danger of their situation was brought sharply back into focus by the arrival of a dozen panting figures.
“Well, Well, just look at the two lovebirds,” the leader growled “take them both!”
Oh yeah, the Diamond Dogs. Kind of forgot about them.
Not sure if it is obvious but this story needs an editor/proof-readers. Anyone interested please PM me. Editor's will get to see the chapters weeks ahead of their release date (I intend to stay about 5 weeks ahead at all times)
Hope you enjoyed the story and thanks for reading
A epic tail, I cant wait to see were it goes.
This story has an awesome beginning and made me laugh genuinely. Not a lot of satyr stories on the whole let alone a single one in the chess universe. Let me congratulate you on a job well done. From one piece to another much luck to you in your future endeavors.
-Sturrn
913780
Thanks! I'm gonna add your story to my read later list for now until I have more time to read. The premise looks really interesting, don't think i've seen many undead in Equestria much less a skeleton...think I read about a lich once
913802 Thank you it really helps when other writers read things. It offers new perspective on things. I have read about the lich as well but there is also a Bone Lord and that encompasses the entire undead community of the game as far as I know.
911464 so far this is a lot better than horns hoves and fur thay are just over powerd in that one
we will se haw this one turns out
i love it soo far and cant wait for moreand moustache
*looks at comments*
Ah good im the first one here!
Anyway I am Troutking the unofficial greeter of our game.
I like the story so far its actually pretty funny so far!
So Good luck and thanks for the feeding
913802
how DO u add stuff to the read later list?
looks like a good story, but ill hafta check it out later :P
I like this story, mainly because the main character is an awesome gambling satyr magician who gambles, smokes pipe and has a top hat, but everything else is cool too i guess.
Seems legit
tracked for now
913904
yeah, I have no intention of giving Ace any god-like super powers. I can't stand OP protaganists, it removes any tension from the story when the main character can just activate his mega-ultra-death-lazer and destroy whatever gets in his way.
914008
Thanks, glad to be here. I have sent a link to the story to Rust, BlackWing and Tamara Bloodhoof and am waiting for their permission to add to the group.
914367
Next to the title there is a little icon of a book with a stopwatch over it. Just click on that and, when the stopwatch turns gold, that means it is on your read later list. Thanks for the read
914521
I think he lost his top hat when he arrived in Equestria. I'll have to re-read to make sure thats clear.
Wow! This looks brilliant. I'll be following this one for sure.
Okay, I was enjoying it rather well up until that
Note to self: avoid strippers
line, that just MADE. MY. DAY.
Welcome to the chessverse! May you not die in a gigantic ball of fire filled with spiders.
917065
*squee* A compliment from Rust BEST! POSSIBLE! THING!
917095
I shall try my darned hardest!
Could i have a link to this "Chess Game of the Gods universe"?
916627 awwww, but then can you atleast let him have a new one? Like he bumps into rarity and she is all like "hello, have this awesome top hat for free"
i love the concept of the story and will read it even if he gets no top hat, but i would greatly appreciate it if you took 10 minutes out of your time writing this story to give him one. It woulld after all make the story 20% cooler
This was a quite nice story.
'Chess Game of the Gods' that sounds pretty badass, my money is on Lady Luck.
918861
Link to the group is here: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=907
918912
I'll see what I can do but I've got a couple of story arcs I want to get through before they can go shopping
920446
Thank you
921748
Can't take any credit for the group name, it was created by Rust and BlackWing and then expanded on by a bunch of other authors. Link to the group is in this comment.
921766 you're awesome :D definetly going to read the story now. (not that i wouldn't if he didnt get a top hat, but now i'll have small freak outs everytime a chapter comes out:3)
Definatly watching this one. Really hope the picture you have for this story is what he actually looks like as I fail with mental images of characters. The staff he has in the photo is pretty awesome
Really hoping he actually manages to get that.
Starting out as a satyr sounds like a good reason for me to follow this story.
Yep, this story could use some editing. While I myself lack the skill to be your editor, I can give you some points that you can fix while waiting.
“Your crushing my chest” the beast managed to whisper to her
This part, first, you should add comma to end of the sentence because, um, well it is a convention. Or that's what I heard. Check https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit?pli=1 attribution of dialogues to get a general sense of it. Second part is more obvious; you should put period in the end of each sentence. And third: you're and your are two different things (or perhaps this error is deliberate because the protagonist is crushed under a pony and can't talk properly? So the sentence should be:
“You are crushing my chest,” the beast managed to whisper to her.
But that should be settled once you find your editor. Looking forward to reading it.
And since he is a magician, I wonder if he will meet Trixie? I think he and the showmare can go along quite well.
913802 You kidding? My story has like, hundreds of undead things.
Awesum!
moar moarrrrrrr!!!!
7 paragraphs in and I already fell my off chair twice
I am intrigued, and already hooked.
Also never call a woman fat. Unless you wish to endure excruciating pain. Just trust me on this!
The style of prose doesn't really flow very well for me; descriptions, dialogue, and action are all pretty heavily separated from each other. Descriptive paragraphs in particular just seem to drag on too long with simple statement after simple statement with little to break it up in between, so it just comes out really stiff... additionally, switches between first and third person when the protagonist is present in every single one of the scenes are rather jarring.
I like how Ace entered Equestria; having him disappear for real during the disappearance trick was a pretty cute idea. However, I thought that the prologue rushed to that conclusion far too quickly; we're given no baseline for who Ace is, no time to see how he normally acts before being thrust into Equestria; meaning that you had to tell, rather than show, what kind of person he is as it is relevant to the current scene for the meanwhile. This is a real shame, because the context of a magic show would have allowed you to display some of the specific skills he already had before everything went down, how he chooses to present himself to others(and what it looks like when he is successful), and just in general how Ace works in his element - all ready and prepared to draw contrast to the things he is able to adapt for use in Equestria, and the aspects of his life and skills that he has to give up either due to his new body, location, or audience. Seeing the protagonist struggle with a situation or task that he previously thrived in is much more compelling than seeing him struggle with it, and then explain to us that he didn't have problems with it before.
None of this is counting errors, though I should point out the ones that I noticed while I'm here; by far, the most common was missing punctuation at the end of dialogue. I assume you know how to work ctrl+f to find something, so I'll just quote the places affected:
Missing punctuation accounts for most of it, but there was also this mistake, here:
Enclose "Why not regular cigarettes?" in quotes, like so; the narration is quoting something, after all.
All told, I don't think I'm going to continue reading beyond this chapter; I'll still take a look back when it appears in the feature box, because I generally hold out hope for revision and I want to see stuff like this improve, but for now the problems with it just weigh too heavily for me to enjoy the fic.
1359801 While I'll admit that you make a few really good points, mainly the issue with grammar and rushing the plot a bit, I'd like to point out the main problem I have about your review: You haven't read anything beyond the prologue (at least what I can understand from that last line), and doesn't take into consideration that we might not need to know everything about the main character from the get-go. I know that's not entirely what you're saying, so please excuse me, and while I completely agree that this is a bit rushed in some places, I can't help but feel like you haven't taken into consideration that we might get to know him and his past as we go along in the story.
Another thing;
How many of the chessgame of the gods stories have you actually read? Some of the more known stories didn't do a really good job at that either, mainly because it's not really important, if we might read about it as we go along (this is why whenever I review a story, I at least read a few chapters, if not the whole story.)
Now take in mind that nothing I've said here is an assault on your ability as a reviewer and/or person/intelligence, should I have come across as such.
-Glassed
While the story isn't something that I'm interested in further reading, it reminded me of a pretty awesome song. Luck Be A Lady - Frank Sinatra
You watch MLP. You're a Brony.
lol, I HAVE to read how this goes.
An old earth saying. A phrase of great power and wisdom and consolation to the soul in times of need.
“Allons-y”
I see what you did there.
love this
His first thought after seeing Lady Luck...
Now I must shower you with moustaches for your comedy.
So was he knowingly referencing Doctor Who, or is his universe one with a Doctor?
He aknows Ze Doctor
It'll definitely get weird if his new Satyr form gets horny.
Yeah, I'm gonna do what the writer is doing, and make puns.
1707254
And he's also a Whovian, if that "Words of Great Power" line was an intentional reference to DW(On the CHARACTER's part, not the author)
Wait so the 'gods' are toying with Equestria and using it as a playground for chess? Hmmm...
Sweat start mah man
Great so far, also is Maneapolis a twist on Minneapolis Minnesota?
Note? :&
Haha. I know your darkest secret.
No no no
Your a brony!!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I think this is the first story i have read we're the main character is a satyr. I wonder how it will turn out?
DOCTOR WHERE ARE YOU!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
How do you pronounce Allons-y?
5523116
Ah-lawn-zee
The 'l's get the emphasis and the 'n' is hit very lightly. In fact if you're entirely unsure if you've pronounced the sound or not, it's probably correct. Allons-y is French, if that tells you anything about the pronunciation.
This story gets better every time I read it.
Barrel how are you DOING that...?!
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BOOOOOOOO!
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ADVENTURE!
awwww...
Is that a Doctor Who reference I spy, cause if so, fantastic, if not, well... don’t be lasagna.
He needs all the luck he can summen now...