I just wanted to be as beautiful as my sister. She told me that I was still young, and that it was normal to be pudgy at my age, but I disagreed. She was angelic compared to, whatever I was. I knew that she kept her slim figure by eating less, so I tried to follow suit.
I'm so tired all the time and I feel like I can hardly support my own weight, I get stared at when I'm at school and Rarity is becoming more anxious around me.
What did I do wrong? Why didn't I look like her? Why was I still so... ugly?
Contains heavy themes, be warned.
A re-written version of the original, by Evictus.
Cover art by NyonHyon on Deviantart.
Chapters (1)
Holy shit.
That was inspired and deeply moving.
I got the chills when she looked in the mirror.
You've take a pile of manure and turned it into a sunflower.
Bravo!
I wanna write something like this now...
Truly amazing readaption of a story.
The world building was a little rough at first because I didn't know where anypony was. I didn't know if they were at the club house, school, or park, but I loved the emotions you imparted.
This was excellent. I'm going to link this to the original
Oh thank god for the lack of human eating!
8135635
Well, thank you!
The hardest thing to write was the last scene, I nearly started to tear up myself while I was imagining the scene in my head.
8136357
Thank you!
I didn't realize how insightful I was becoming when I was writing this until I was neck-deep into writing it. Then I realized I was hitting home with a rather heavy message, so I went with it.
8136268
The horror!
8135646
Go ahead, I made this for you, after all.
8136515 Thanks!
8136526
When it comes to dialogue, list out a character's traits in your head as you're writing what they say, then say what you wrote out loud.
This keeps you from writing a character incorrectly, and from making simple grammar mistakes. Though some grammar and spelling mistakes are alright when you're trying to covey a character's personality. (ex: run-on sentences for Pinkie, or incomplete words for Applebloom for a southern accent)
Ask yourself what you want your readers to see, and then envision the scene in your head based on what you wrote? Does it not invoke the emotions you wanted? If not, revise it.
I almost started to tear up when I was writing the last scene of this story, actually.
Don't tell the readers a story, give them a good show. It's not like a textbook, it's like a play, set the scene and play out the acts accordingly.
8136563
No problem.
Amazing rewrite. And it goes along with what I've been saying for awhile now -- Evictus has good ideas sometimes; they could just stand a bit more TLC.
Also glad to know I'm not the only who gets misty-eyed when writing heavy scenes. I recall one scene in particular I wrote that I still have trouble reading aloud without choking up, months after the fact.
8136798
The last two stories he has written do show signs of improvement.
It's all a matter of applying yourself and playing to your strengths, and I'm glad to see him putting in a little more effort.
And yes, I was really weirded out that I nearly had a self-induced crying session, that's never happened before.
Ow... my heart. This hurts(in a good way). This beats everything I've written thus far.
8143574
Wow! That means a lot coming from someone who has double my followers!
Thanks!
8143577 Perhaps you could take a look at this? It's something similar to this but lighter in a sense. I could use some if your 2 cents if you can. A bit of pro/con if u will
8144633
I'll add it to my review list!
Well that was haunting, but Rarity really stepped in beautifully as the loving and worried sister there, and it really felt like, yes, she would make everything better again!
I think perhaps it could have benefited from a slightly higher wordcount to really explore Sweetie's mindset a bit more and show a few more reactions to her, but that doesn't detract from the point that this is a good, if somewhat bleak, read.
Good show.
I like it.
8158956
Thank you.
I know I could have definitely expanded upon what I had, but I was just eager to get this out as quick as possible!
8159053
Thanks!
Thought you did really well with this, good job!
One gets the impression that just that talk from Rarity won't fix Sweetie Belle's issue by itself, but it's a good place to start, and it's right and realistic to show it as not being so easily solved.
I wonder if we're to assume in-canon that Sweetie Belle will be considered just as beautiful as Rarity when she's older, or if Rarity got the good genes in that department?
8163659
Thank you!
And I'm sure she'll be just as beautiful when she's older.
The review. I never had less to say about a story, but that's mostly a good sign.
AMAZING!
I LOVE IT!
8292912
Thank you.
8292963
No problem mah friend!
Oh
it's one of these stories. I'll need to be in a special mood to read this one. Can't wait to read though. Looks like a really good read.
8318846
Yo, Jack. This is, like, super late. ‘Cuz I'm too lazy/tired to do anything.
This review is brought to you by the group, “A for Effort.”
Name of Story: Bearing the Weight
Total Score: 10/10
Pros:
Characters very in character. Pacing was great. Flowed well. The writing was just great.
Cons:
Honestly, I can't find anything to dislike.
Additional notes:
Well, this hit me right in the feels. I… I don't really know what to say, besides for that it was just amazing. I loved it, and can't see any flaws in it. The way SB viewed this was just on point. When she looked into the mirror… I teared up. You've made this just so moving. Good job, Jack.
I love this story. The emotions conveyed are both powerfully, and well done.
8427337
That was the goal.
One of the two of them is being racist here. Probably. If "ditz" isn't a slur, it sure as hell should be.
This is such a powerful, concise portrayal of what these disorders do. Good becomes bad. Bad becomes worse.
These kinds of illnesses never feel real... Until they suddenly and abruptly do.
Great story from start to finish. You should do more Big Sads™.