- Member Since 27th Nov, 2016
- offline last seen Monday
TheEveryDaySparkle
A fellow fan and author. Newbie and looking to make friends here on this amazing site of ours
TheEveryDaySparkle
Joined 27th Nov, 2016 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- GnollReader · 121k words · 1,311 21 · 19k views
- Anonymous Assassin · 6.6k words · 888 47 · 18k views
- KnightMysterio · 48k words · 1,579 94 · 21k views
- The card holder · 9.4k words · 918 52 · 13k views
- Bookish_Devil · 41k words · 1,149 73 · 14k views
- Sw4gg · 22k words · 408 21 · 8.8k views
- Snake Staff · 4.1k words · 553 35 · 8.3k views
- Iridescence T Wind · 241k words · 1,002 90 · 15k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.203 seconds
Total duration
724 users online
888,716 hits today, 2,658,435 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
this story seems to be a good idea ^^ i will read it later :)
I gotta say, nice concept and I honestly want to see how awkward/serious everyone else is gonna be.
i137.photobucket.com/albums/q237/FuzzyFurvert/MnxJnuO_zps4vn3bmrd.jpg
Oh I know exactly how it would affect her...
"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS PHONE SEX OPERATORS! YAY!"
Loved it. Very well executed, prince.
8126212 Thank you very much, Chill.
Imagine what would happen if Ponyville's very own dragon became a PSO.
This is great. Can't wait for the next chapter.
Just the puns had me laughing but this was...the icing on the cake (pun intended).
Can we have more like this?
I'm a little confused...
Is this story anthro?
8135016 it's not. I fixed it up so it could work properly. Or at least I hope I did
This is gold. I can't wait to see what AJ has to offer.
Well, that's going to happen if you screw in your office. Seriously, there is always going to be others hanging around nearby, in their own offices or walking past or whatever. Kind of stupid there Spitfire.
Angel Bunny: "That's a lie! We are calling her Doom Mare, not Domare. Small difference."
But where did the szene with Spitfire suddenly came from?
I'm not sure if this belongs to the story.
Note:
Names are written uppercase. For example, it's Pinkie, not pinkie.
In this chapter alone you made this error at least 5 times.
I recommend to check also the other names and chapters.
8142816 I made it so i'll be able to step into the scene as if it was happening at that moment. Due to the fact that i had it set up to where it was happening at that moment.
8142816 That is unless you mean the clop scene. In which case I set it up perfectly I should hope.
8142879
I was talking about the clop itself.
It came (at least for me) out of nowhere. It looked kind of forced, as in you wanted desperatly to write this szene and somehow squeezed it in. There is simply no connection to the rest of the story.
You could leave it out and noone would have noticed. Of corse I don't want to tell you you should, I just want to explain what I was thinking.
8142954 The reason for the clop was given. I had intended on it being there. Im sorry if it feels forced as that was not my intention. It probably feels that way because i cant fully explore clop with the limitations put on the fic, that being that they are in pony form.
Perfect ending!
What about Starlight and Spike?
I finished reading this story, wild. Should I put it in my queue of stories to critique?
8152783 If you so wish. I would love it if you would.
8152823
Then I shall. I felt there are a few key aspects about it that I could touch upon which could improve your story telling. There were a few moments that were jarring in terms of 'being out of the blue', but I actually see what happened to make some of those points seem forced and whatnot.
My main question is thus: Do you have an issue with world building? You hinted at it with me before privately, but I wanted to verify this.
8152851 yes. Yes i do. I think I can remember only one time when I properly took time to do it. But that was in a moment of total inspiration. If I tried to do it now I would fail. A lesson in it would be greatly appreciated. But first... I usually think of world building as a grand scale thing involving creating a place of your own design to accommodate the story and the characters within it. Example being Harry Potter. If you could explain to me what exactly involved world building within a story with its own world already built, then i coumd make progress.
8152851 like, where in my story did you spot world building problems?
8152867
I will be be more thorough in the critique, but it has to do with the wonderbolts as a whole. Id have to sit down and go into thorough detail about it, but world building doesnt have to be grande, but what you design in your world has to impact your characters in a very real way. It can affect their short term decision making or add a dynamic to the narrative that wouldnt have otherwise be highlighted.
The Wonderbolts was a good idea to build into your story, but it never quite tied into your original idea about the PSO. What I hope to achieve from the critique is to provide you with some tools to help you in your world building.
8152897 is that all? Of course it didnt tie in. Those were two separate events. The wonderbolts, like pinkies revenge, were just events to aid in time consumption for the story to be able to pass into the stuff that did tie into it. That being said, i would definitely appreciate you doingbthis for me. I need to learn these things of i want to get any better.
8152912
They were used to fill in gaps in time?
8152932 Kind of, yeah. See, I get over writer's block by writing anyway, and I couldn't think of anything other than that to place it in, so I went with it. I kept getting stumbled on how to proceed with almost every other sentence that it got to a point where it really felt like that's what I was doing. I will admit that I tried hard to not make it seem like that. Is that bad?
8152939
You silly goose.
We'll talk about it later, but whether you believe it or not, that whole side event was a part of world building, in a way. This should help you out with your writers block as well.
Lol, that ending. Overall, I really enjoyed this series, it was funny and sexy at the same time.
8179684 Thanks, Braeburn. LOL
8179687 You're welcome :)