>> There is a world, not far from the Equestria you know and love, where things are much different. How exactly? Well, that will be discovered as time goes on. It isn't all sunshine and rainbows, though both those things exist.
Through an accident that probably could have been prevented were proper precautions in place, two ponies by the name of Rarity and Pinkie Pie are sucked into this nearby world, where they must learn its rules to survive.
If you are squeamish, have a distaste for angry drama, or just can't take ponies being absolutely dastardly, you should leave now, before your poor mind gets triggered. There will be pain and suffering, and there will be nothing your distant psyches can do about it.
Those who are still here - I don't know why you're reading this. I just know that you are. And that I will be your guide.<<
A reboot of the story of the same name by Keywii_Cookies55
Art by Zero-Ice
*clap clap clap*
Kudos on the intro my friend. I'm excited to see more.
For anyone interested in reading the original version written by me, I suggest you click the following link: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/295634/the-broken-mirror
Oh man this is like... all of my favorite things rolled into one
An excellent beginning, though I suppose given the introduction it's not really a beginning. Still, I enjoyed it, and hope to see more.
A few things I would like to point out:
There's a word missing here I believe.
There's an extra word here.
Ha!
Ha!
8093072
Thanks! Edits that are't from me are always welcome! Cause I aaaaaalways miss SOMETHING.
Will fix!
-GM, master of fixalit.
Interesting. The animosity toward Pinkie Pie and her retreating abilities seems to mean something. That she also feels like a piece of her is missing probably means she is either responsible, or merely blamed for whatever situation is going on. I'm sure answers will be provided next chapter. I eagerly await.
Missing word
Redundant word
Missing comma
Niiiiice
8106551
Fixes made! Thanks!
-GM, master of fix.
I miss the scene with Pinkie hanging from the stalactite from the original version, but, well, can't have everything. Truthfully I quite enjoyed this significantly more than my own. Let's see how things go now that you're riding freeball.
A city that literally sucks the soul out of you? Built by whom, and what for? Well, I'm intrigued.
Aww, don't let your jimmies be rustled, mister author. I agree with both! Pinkie is a dangerously powerful, deluded liar, the bringer of laughter to all ponies, even among horrible darkness or sorrow. Rarity is a cruel manipulator whose ruthlessness is limited only by her ambition, who would do anything for just about anyone, a maiden of pure heart if ever there was one.
They both just went from normal to lowkey murderous in, like, ten minutes... huh
8121900
Which 'they' are you referring to?
If it's the ponies of this world, I've tried my best to paint all of them so far as pretty big sacks of trash.
If it's Pinkie and Rarity, they're emotionally unstable and compromised at the moment. Give them a while to think.
-GM, master of comments primus.
8121962 I meant Rarity and Pinkie and it isn't bad, it just caught me off guard on how jarring the entire situation was for them.
Though I suppose that was the point, wasn't it?
It's interesting how when somepony accuses of Rarity manipulating others, that she stops doing it. She doesn't try changing tactics, she just stops. I get the impression that she's doing it because she trusts others, like when someone lies as a joke, but when it starts hurting someone they serious the fuck up. As for Pinkie, yeah she's... trouble and in trouble. She needs someone to get mad at, not just a bunch of machines and death.
Pacing on Pinkie Pie's waterworks was way too fast. The rest wasn't bad. Can't wait to make sense of some of this.
I know I should wait and see, but I have to know: When do the evil versions of the mane six appear?
Yea I bet Pinkie would be REALLY affected by Dash and Twilight.
Because we're huge assholes. Pretentious arrogant pricks, each and every one of us philosophers. You shouldn't listen to a word we say.
8138217
Evil is such a cliche.
-GM, master of vague hints.
"That means you are worth saving," Trixie said. "You're important. Besides..." She looked out a window at the town itself. "It would have taken too long anyway. It's only a matter of time before another troublemaker comes to town."
I like this bit here, specifically the last portion: It's only a matter of time before another troublemaker comes to town.
I like it because it's essentially the plot to a horror movie. A group go away for vacation, and get lost, only to discover this town, they get separated, and one of them upsets the townspeople, only for this personal offense to be associated witht eh group as a whole, they spend the night getting hunted, meet the mayor, get the speech, and the purge is ordered, and they have to escape it falling before they get caught up in it.
If it's done right, this could make a *very* good side story.
I think you meant hatred.
This is starting to take on a Series of Unfortunate Events feel to it (I can even imagine Patrick Warburton reading the narration). I'm not sure why I'm still reading. I just am, and I'm no closer to figuring out what's going on than I was on page one. I'm even more clueless, if anything.
Also, I'm not sure if this is the point, but Pinkie is starting to feel less like Pinkie. She's angry, and hurt, and she's beginning to do some very un-Pinkie-like things.
8155408
Thanks! *fixes*
Any particular part of Pinkie that doesn't seem like her? She is losing it and going a bit crazy (and the thing from the Concretion is still affecting her), I'm just curious where it seems like she isn't being herself. Anything that could be changed to flow/be better?
-GM, master of l00l.
So "the mob" is an external influence... ponies have to resist something "calling" them or they go insane(r), and "The Crown" has to nuke it from orbit, or... a Concretion forms? I feel kind of bad for the gold unicorn, then. However cowardly and selfish they may be, nobody deserts an army without the desire for peace. She became what she ran from: a commander of murderers, sacrificing her own for the greater good. Actually, she might be doing this on purpose...
You missed these two near the end there. Rushed, were you?
Awesome end.
8170175
Well, today was finals day, so yeah. Dunno why Grammarly didn't pick that up though...
Will fix.
-GM, master of fines.
Welp, they're doomed. Oh well, they had a good run!
So, ponies who get together and organize are in danger of being infected by a murderous insanity that leads them to form concretions and go open season on their fellow pony... except that this infection is completely imaginary, and the ponies running the show only think that "The Mob" is a thing, and not just a random mob.
This is all Twilight's fault.
8171247 I have SO. MANY. QUESTIONS!!
8177031 That's the point of a fic like this though, isn't it? To shroud the reality of the situation in darkness and mystery, only revealing enough for lorecrafters to have their fun. Personally, I encourage ferret to piece together everything they can, because who knows, that comment could be entirely true.
If nothing else, it lends well to rereading after the fact.
staring*
Missing full stop.
It's ironic how Twilight Sparkle is entirely correct, that her mind reading has driven her absolutely mad, but "absolutely mad" is according to the standards of her own world. She seems normal to us, and to Pinkie and Rarity, because she's so demented away from her own world's norm. Mind reading has made her not paranoid, but ridiculously trusting (because who could lie to her?) It's made her not misanthropic, but unnaturally empathetic, because she can literally feel your pain. She can find what little good that remains inside everypony, that they're all afraid to show each other.
A "sane" Twlight Sparkle would be a rigid taskmaster, cruel and arrogant, psychotic and paranoid, and tormented by insecurity in the few moments she can steal for her own privacy. She could be even worse than the Concretion, whatever the hell that is. Twilight made a good choice in giving up her sanity for the good of all, because it makes her able to survive while staying a genuinely nice pony. It's just that in the world she was born, you'd have to be pretty crazy to adopt an attitude like hers. Or ridiculously powerful. Or both.
Well Rarity, you doomed their entire world, or saved it, in one single sentence. I don't know how long this adventure is going to last before ending in rescue or death, but Twilight Sparkle the motherbucking studying master, the magical miracle worker, the best student who ever lived second only to Moondancer, now knows that a race-change spell is possible. It's only a matter of time before unicorn supremists awaken to find themselves missing a very important key to their driving philosophy, and all at the whim of a princess who is self-professed to be completely batty.
Why? Does the information need to take a daily walk?
8201160 You'd be surprised what Information does when there's spy networks nearby.
You’ll do what to them?!
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that you meant ‘lick’.
This one need not be highlighted.
This should be one sentence.
And at last we find some direction. I think I've identified what I found most perplexing about this story so far. We're lost. Obviously that's the point—Pinkie and Rarity are pulled into an alternate universe for an unknown reason and have no idea what's going on or which way is up—but it's disorienting to the reader, and extremely offputting for some. I applaud your ability to place us in the same boat as our characters, because it makes this chapter that much more compelling. Finally, some answers, some direction, and some hope. Where before we were hopelessly lost in the woods, now we have gotten our bearings, and begun to chart a course out. Well done.
Roll credits. *Ding!*
I really enjoyed how Pinkie and Rainbow Dash interact in this story.. I hope there is a lot more of that.
lowered?
I really like the magnitude to which you’ve taken this racism dynamic, to the point that a War general ignores the vast strategic advantages of posing as an earth pony on sheer principle. this problem would be relatively easier for all of them, possibly having never happened, if they could just pull their collective heads out of their asses. Ah, but such is life.
It’s chapters like this one that I always love reading in alternate reality fics. The scenes where it consists entirely of alt characters talking about the original world. They see the world we know and love through their personal lens, and it’s interesting, to say the least. It’s always a shame that storytellers don’t linger on these scenes very much, but oh well, it’s nice while it lasts.
Either way I’m enjoying what you’ve turned my world and story into, it’s good.
Well, Amplify getting way can't be very good. But good chapter, I really REALLY like the direction this is all taking. The meeting was awesome, And I especially felt some emotions during the local Rarity feeling regret for whatever it is she did. I'm intriqued, plus seeing Fluttershy in action here was awesome. There's so much I liked, and I can't wait for more.
Oh, and by the way, an amazing song to listen to during the entirety of the meeting is this one on repeat.
had*
ask*
know*
A comma should precede Flutters
There’s an extra word here
Huh, ruth is actually a word, meaning pity or compassion. Go figure.
Oh, Minuette, you have yet to learn the finer rules of behavioral logic. In this case, sheer logic. A griffon does not possess the ability to replace memories realtime, let alone one so detailed and seamless. Even dear Twilight would be hard pressed to do that, I think.
And holy heck that Chariot exchange is the best ever! This is a Twilight I could fall in love with, not that spoiled, antisocial bookworm from the actual show.
Hilarious chapter. I would say keep up the good work but if my memory serves me well you've already written all of it.
The difference is politicians have to influence people who are not their friends. A group of dear friends, who must take control of a larger group of complete unknowns, will devolve into political infighting faster than you can say flip flop. But without that requirement, to subordinate and control people you hardly know, you actually can get to a place where you trust your friends.
Well, things are starting to move slowly. I have optimism that they won't all die in screaming horror, but with that author's notes at the beginning I'm not so sure. It's clearer what's going on now, and the main 6 have been accounted for. I'm curious what Nightmare Fuel is, and how the Concretes spread it around further in order to lobotomize the ponies in their cities.
I think the cynical, bitter end to this story would be for Twilight and Fluttershy to both get enslaved by Sombra, because they're idiots just going to say hi to him, thus crippling the Neighara Falls stronghold, leaving the Concretion with only Nova to oppose them. Sombra might not want to do that because his precious crystals then get buried in concrete, and Twilight might be a more formidable foe not easily conquered even by his shadows and fear, but the Vonnegut ending would have them get zonked by him, and then everyone dies unhappy.
I really think that somepony should consider the reaction Pinkie Pie got when she ventured into the city. Instant, blinding rage. That might just be how they greet every visitor, but Rarity wasn't the one they went after. Pinkie Pie was. With the Concretion at the time unaware of Pinkie Pie's existence, it begs one of two possibilities: either everyone's eyes are wired directly into Diane's brain so she alone reacted poorly to seeing herself in a fun-loving manner, or the ponies in the Concretion have an abnormal hatred for anything that looks like Diane. If Diane is a "high-ranking scientist" in the Concretion, and the Concretes go into a blind rage at the mere sight of her, then the Concretion's society might not be as stable as ponies think it is. It's possible their mental conditioning is dependent on Diane, or her image, torturing them and provoking their anger until they're completely insane. In that case, a targeted strike that simply dumped Concretion scientists out on their own streets would be sufficient to bring a swift end to a concrete city.
8247925
Your grasp of the English language is positively ruthless.
8247925
while I have DRAFTED all of it, I still make minor changes as I move along. So any and all thoughts are welcome. And glad you like Twilight! I've tried to make them all different in one way or another. ('cept Applejack.)
8248776
Those things at the beginning aren't Author's notes.
Dude, we're not even half done with the story yet. Not even CLOSE to ending it.
Also, I think you read that wrong. The pony in the Concretion went for RARITY - beelining for her, wounding her, and tossing Pinkie aside to GET to her. And the drone went after both of them.
-GM, master of READS.
8249354
I didn't say you were the author of those notes. And yeah, maybe I read it wrong. I thought they went after Pinkie, and Rara was just next.
8248776
What is Nightmare Fuel? Why, your question and many you didn't ask are answered right here! http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/NightmareFuel