She was one of the best. Loyal, powerful, unbreakable. That was until the love burst ended the invasion of Canterlot. One of queen Chrysalis' personal guards, after flying over half of Equestria tossed by the blast, lands inside enemy territory. Crippled, and defenseless, can she fool the ponies around her long enough to sink her fangs into their necks? Will that even be an option? Is she even half as good as she thinks?
Unfortunately, with her eyes wounded beyond repair, she has to rely only on her ears to escape her predicament.
Cover is a beautiful fanart by CitreneSkys / PaintedSNEK
(Just a little experiment in a purely dialogue-based story. As usual, comments, criticism, suggestions, or anything really is encouraged if it's constructive.)
heh, i gotta say that was kinda funny.
this kind of wrighting is a little weird, but i think it works out.
+1 like
'it is' can be shortened to 'it's', in a few cases this would work better for pacing.
Other than that I'm curious to see where this goes, it's on my tracking list.
7992584 It'S just an experiment. Something for me to practice a bit more expressive dialogue on when I don't have time to focus on my main stories. But hey, maybe It'll grow up to be something eventually.
7992684
Yeeeeah, that makes two of us.
I need to get used to the fact that I will never be writing Void again.
What kind of torture was that‽
7995153 What do you mean?
(if you have to ask for clarification just means I wrote it poorly)
7995784 That kind of torture is singularly useless. The purpose of torture isn't to induce pain or fear, it's to drive home a point; you are isolated and the only one that can help you is the primary. There was no communication between the primary and the subject here, just demands for answers which are obviously going to go unanswered. This was just some idiot with mechanisms for inducing pain using them without regard for the utter lack of useful int. he would get.
7995789 Ooooh, I thought I wrote what happened in an unclear way.
No, Start Trail indeed did just want to hurt Sixteen, that is correct. Getting info was just a weak excuse or rationalization.
7995853 Oh, I see. Upon rereading it could perhaps have been a little clearer that he just wanted to hurt the subject, but this is entirely my fault for reading into it with the biases I have about torture. Most people who write torture do it in a similar manner to this, but present it as being an interrogation, so I'm inherently biased against torture scenes... but props to you for not falling into that trap. Do hit me up if you ever need advice on torturing someone though.
7996790 The obvious clue was that he literally didn't even ask anything before jamming a needle into her leg:D
Anyway, I appreciate the input. It makes me think the "story" is worth for someone to invest themselves into .
7996845 I quite enjoy your work. You have a talent for creating characters that I wish I had and what you do with those characters is honestly unexpected and it's fun to see where they go. Keep up the work and do it for yourself, I'll keep enjoying your content.
Capitalize the rank if it's placed before a name.
She's not gonna be executed... or is she...
8009783
Really? Okay then. That's a mistake I'll repeat a hundred times before I get used to it.
8010466 Don't worry, everyone gets tripped up by that. Basicly, if it's part of a proper noun it's to be capitalized, if it isn't it's not, if it's by itself, but used as a part of a title it's not to be capitalized.
Examples of the three situations:
Commander Crest
Hey Commander
the commander will be
There are more rules to this, but I'm not going to post them here.
'you'?
Uhhhhhhhhhhh… CPR. I remember that, one of the first things we were told was that if you give it someone's going to the hospital. It has this tendency to crack multiple ribs, even if the subject doesn't need it. As in, it will crack ribs, every time. That mental break though, that was fun.
Also realizing how often I refer to people as the subject... meh.
8020724 Yeah, "you" .) Fixed it.
Be nice to now officially nameless, shackled, and depressed Sixteen.
8020913 Nah. She's still a hostile combatant and a POW, regardless of her physical state.
Okay, this chapter is confusing. I get the other changeling stole her love and kicked her, but I can't figure out what's happening after that.
8042971 Very pissed off Bladehoof found her, took her back to the cell. 16 fell asleep until Puff came and switched chains for longer ones which allowed her to be in bed while shackled.
I'll have to revise the chapter later then.
Hey! That last line is mine, I say that almost every night.
8048703 Yeah, I know that feeling.
Somehow you've managed to keep static characters (so far) dynamic and interesting. That's impressive, even the best authors seldom go with that approach because of the difficulty, yet you've done it without pause for pretty much the entirety of the story. You've even made me smirk on occasion (a rather rare thing for me to genuinely do).
8088831 I don't even know what a static character means.
Thanks, though.
8088927 It's common to describe a character as being either static or dynamic. Static means that they experience little change to their character, dynamic means that they experience a lot of it (like Blazing). This is another one of those areas where you can smack me for making assumptions and just tossing words around. In my defence I was not entirely sober at the time, but that's no excuse (though it does make rereading when sober more fun).
8089997 It might be that I'm just so used to writing long-ass stories that I can't write a credible change in character in something as short as Words. We'll see. I'm just making things up as I go along, mostly.
8090758 That is also a possibility. Regardless, this is quite interesting and rather unique (at least I haven't found anything with the same premise and quality before).
this is hilarious
8117463 Always nice to hear that, you flatterer.
Heh... hehe... he... hehehehehehahahahaha.
Also, "a mops" or, 'a mop'?
8127823 try repeatedly facepalming and the answer will be clear :P
Oh ho ho. This suddenly got twice as interesting.
8152538 We're getting to the endgame.
8152945 Now you've gone and got me all excited.
...
The payoff better be worth the edging (I have no doubts that you'll make it so)
Now, go on and have fun doing... fun stuff (I don't know how this stuff works, okay).
8152987 At work. Not doing fun stuff :D
But maybe I'll have a bit of time to write a sentence or two today.
That last one's probably supposed to be an interrogative point, not a full stop.
Other than that, exciting. Now we get to see action via dialogue?
8164931 It's about her realizing what she just said and how she said it, so I think full stop is correct. I might be wrong, though.
As for the action, I'd like to do that, but the only time I did that a commenter got really confused about what was going on. I think I'll stick to descriptive noises like *sounds of a drained bathtub*. Unless that's cheating in what's supposed to be a dialogue story.
OK, let's have a show of hooves... Who thinks that this date isn't quite what it seems?
8181247 You are completely and utterly I'm not telling.
8181247 Wealthy mare comes to town and Crest gets the date... this doesn't just scream bad, it screams very bad.
8181294 You tease. Also, deal with this:
do
8181356 Come on, have at least a little hope in Crest's charm. I never meant to depict him as a bumbling, disgusting, unlovable drooler. He's just a bit unsure and broken on the inside from his past relationship :D
8181438 If there's one thing I've learned from your romantic plot lines, it's that there's no hope.
But...I liked Puff...
8228691
So did I.
I forgot that you like to play with our emotions because the main character wasn't Blazing Light :/
8230710
Coo, I made someone feel something other than disappointment.
If things keep up like this you may need to add the sad tag.
8244528
Everyone dies eventually, and Puff died happy.
well, this was great =).
For an experience, the writing was really good. And Fury.... oh my god, Fury ! this character can't say anything without it be a fu***** punchline. she is now one of my favorite caracters on a fanfic. so, thanks for this story ^^.
With things like this, people ususally use "posthumously" here instead. "Post-mortem" generally refers to the actual physical remains.
This was a fun story. Of course, I tend to really like changeling stories, so I may be a little biased. Still, it was a fun experiment, and I hope the experience of writing it proved educational for you.