This story is a sequel to The Third Diary
Now featured and with cover art by ProjectRabbid
Two decades ago the city of Cloudsdale passed over a growing town on the southwestern outskirts of Equestria called Wild Bastion. Several months later a newborn hippogriff appeared on the doorstep of a local orphanage. It wasn't dark and stormy night, the date wasn't a mythical number reoccuring once a millenium, and the little bundle of solitude was nopony special.
Discord, Nightmare, and Harmony, the three deities supposedly behind the creation of Equus are infinitely older but during recent years they learned to appreciate the value of mortals and understand their threat. Unfortunately for the gods, the secret they kept from everyone else is about to be revealed and old hatred and games will have to be forgotten.
Hmm... a deadpan snarker with nowhere to go embarks on a journey to become part of the Royal Guard? Why do I feel like there should be a young, depressed unicorn in this role?
The dialogue was certainly on par with your previous works, though the prose in between feels slightly bland. At some points, the narration genuinely feels reminiscent of your previous, first-person fictions, in that the reader could tell how the protagonist saw the world and learn about the character through that perspective. This style never fails to keep me entertained and enticed for the next part.
Other times, it just seems as though the narration was never revised. The first chapter suffered heavily from a lack of articles and commas, which created confusion over the description of the other world. A couple of words were out of place in some sentences; sometimes I had to stop and piece together the sentence in my mind. None of these interruptions aid the immersion.
A few choice descriptions, metaphors, and the like could be tweaked as well. Maybe a little more attitude or character could be placed in those.
Regardless, I am invested in seeing where this story goes. Here's to the next chapter!
5959969 I'm playing with a rather different personality now, definitely a more brighter one. Perhaps I'm just too used to a dark, depressive one so I'm doing it wrong.
As for the narration mistakes, I'm trying to find someone to do some pre-preading but that's still in the works.
Thanks for the constructive criticism, I'll go through the chapters again. Perhaps I'll think of something.
I think I was more bothered by the fact that certain creatures could sense 'hostile divine power' in individuals than by the fact that someone could casually carry guns in the capital city. The latter provides for interesting social world-building (maybe Equestria is gun-happy like Switzerland), while the former just seems unfair. Some are born villains?
Good work on this chapter, regardless! The narration feels cleaner and provides more insight into our protagonist's mind and perspective. When I read Straw's description of Canterlot, I see a parallel to New York City in the eyes of an immigrant-- the cornerstone of a new world of opportunity. Class tensions, fantastic racism, and daily fights in the taverns!
Well that intro was...unexpected.
6078694 Expected and predictable means boring :P
I find it sort of difficult imagining chemistry between Straw and Fortune. I understand there was a time skip in between chapters, but nothing from their interactions in the chapter seemed to suggest what made them get along so well together. I do not suppose the whole relationship was built upon a common annoyance at Leo's racism, yet it cannot also built entirely on the fact that Fortune protected Straw. If there were more common interests or ideals that both possessed, then the relationship suggested by the story would be more plausible.
Now Straw here has a motivation that I can get behind! That quest is a simple goal, yet it means magnitudes for his character.
But suddenly, observers attack! Those creatures were rather nicely designed, existing in another dimension and appearing to those who knew of them. As for the italics coma section, that was some otherworldly writing-- remarkably far, far away from any of the narration seen in this story thus far! Everything from there just goes to chaos, and I found it worked rather well.
Also, I had no idea that was what Blazing Light becomes! I have been missing quite a lot of continuity, you see.
6096264 Next chapter might explain a bit about why Fortune hangs around Straw.
As for continuity - this story is supposed to be a standalone one (and understandable for anyone who hasn't read Blaze's storyline), but it is still set after The Third Diary and events that happened in other stories.
Thanks for the constructive input.
...what about the alicorn of time, or the ex-alicorn of magic?
...now I'm worried.
Time is running out... time until what? The plot... thickens.
Wait... this is Nightmare, right..?
And yet it not only can't conceal its own thoughts... AND it is being half honest, with something it never really needed to?
...curiouser and curiouser.
...uh, wines? So... a thing made out "an alcoholic drink made from fermented grape juice." attacked him? ...what even are you talking about?
Wait... it wasn't winter already? Well, that's a first. Still, close...
...just wait...
...that's a surprise. (When it is surprising that nothing surprising has happened, you know you are probably in the wrong place... or are you, or me.)
Protection? Protection from what? Questions... questions... one answered, three more growing out of the original's remains...
Everyone? Even Bucket?
...when something is funny and sad at the same time, you must be reading Imbalanced...
...now to puzzle over who the other three are...
Is this another one of your sex jokes?
...what about One?
Nightmare and its shenanigans. Poor straw...
Invisible tentical monsters that hate being seen....
"fun"
... i.... aw...wa....what....something so bad that discord isn't scared of it... he has given up without a fight... the god of chaos... has given up... i am both exited and terrified at what eldrich abomination is about to rear its ugly head and ruin everyone's day.
Uh... how are they going to devise a plan if they are all spread out?
...suspicious.
...seriously? Everything's doomed to be dragged down the sewers already merely by being in one of Nameless's stories. Did you have to invoke Murphy's law on top of that!?
...Blaze has gone off the deep end... no, the deep end is only a kiddie pool at this point. More like he skydived straight to the deepest trench in the middle of the Atlantic, completely naked save for the rope tying all his limbs together, while scream-singing out the crappy theme song of a kid's show from the eighties. So basically, just another regular day in Imbalanced.
I... I hate you.
Whaaaaa-?
I know it's just an off comment, but...
Why would Straw chuckle at the name... if it was only mentioned in the story's narration? Does this mean Straw is the narrator, and he is just narrating in third person? Hmm...
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Come on, if nothing, Blaze does keep his promises, and he said he'd give Straw a chance.
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For a moment there, Straw was on the same wavelength as the narrator.
Hmmm, didn't think this would be a problem, but the observation does make sense in a way.
...why am I laughing?
Probably because that is said so casually, like it was just a mild inconvenience temporarily keeping him from reaching his goal. I got a scene stuck in my head now because of it. Something like...
...or something. I'm not the best writer. I mean, my writing itself is decent, but it is usually unstable, not really thought out, with the characters oftentimes going out of character. In other words, I don't have a clue on how to write Cro or Blaze... or any other character for that matter. Kind of why I rarely write... okay, I should stop rambling... so why am I still typing then? I feel like I have to say something more but I have no more somethings to say. Uh... you know what? I will just stop typing and push 'Post Comment' right... now. Yep... definitely doing that... Right now... Uhuh... yep. I mean, of course I did that, or this comment would have never been posted, right? This... this comment will be posted, right? Right..? I mean, It's not like I am typing this forever, right? So... yeah, definitely, certainly, obviously, clearly, without a doubt, undoubtedly, for absolute certain I am pushing that button, yep. Definitely going to happen... riiiiiiiiiiiiight... now.
I mean, right... now!
Uh... now?
Why not ri-
Suspicious...
...
Riiiight, 'delusion'...
Isn't that a reference to something..?
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...that's an honest question. I think I heard something like that before, but forget where... another story, probably.
What is this- Deadpool?
...Let me guess, his name is 'Ajax'.
That leads to a question... Why would Nightmare want to stop what I suppose is essentially the end of the world? I mean, it doesn't make much sense when it tried to end the world itself multiple times, and even succeeded in one alternate universe, so isn't that what it wants?
But, that was an alternate universe, so it technically was not the sane Nightmare, and the Dreamling universe Nightmare might have had different goals, ambitions, and desires than that of this universe. Still...
So many questions...
Good cat-bird-pony...
Wait...
You know, unless you practically said it right to his face...
^I mean... for one, every little thing they've said points to them being in the silver sun for starters and...
...did they have to say out loud that he was possessed by Nightmare? I mean really. And it's not like he didn't hear it all...
So... yeah. Not exactly good news.
Wait... if Leo said this...
And Straw replied with...
And this was what Leo said in return...
Then why did Straw say...
Did they magically switch bodies on that last bit, or..?
Okay, finally! A hilarious chapter!
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...I spoke too soon...
Well, at least that buys Blaze some time... at least until the universe's largest jar is found.
Anyways, forgot to say this yesterday, so the big bad is Harmony? All this time I was thinking it was... I don't know... someone else? How Discord described him as 'the perfect being' (which I'd doubt the perfect being could be restrained from interacting with the world) and how Discord and Nightmare were afraid of him; well, I was thinking it was something more powerful than a god, probably harmony's boss... if a god would have a boss.
Heavy...
Very heavy words indeed.
Curiouser and curiouser...
You can barely remmber the rules? I can barely remmber the rules myself. Or can I..? How do you 'remmber' the rules anyways?