When teenage witch Elise and human Ryan magically transport themselves to Equestria, not everything goes as planned. Magical mistakes can be highly destructive, or just plain awkward.
Chapters (11)
- Member Since 5th Jul, 2012
- offline last seen Mar 25th, 2020
Lady Spider
I'm more of an artist than a writer so any helpful critisim is wonderful!
Lady Spider
Joined 5th Jul, 2012 ·
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First Comment! I like it, although it could use some formatting and some dialogue work. Overall, not a bad beginning to an HiE fiction. I look forward to seeing more. Keep up the good work!
do you have an obsession with first comments or something? lol
Blue and red as the two main colors for the main character, and a human OC?
26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3dhytEf9T1r4bxtio6_400.gif
The writing's OK, though.
Funny
Make more!!!.....but...um..if that's...okay with you
One word. OhmygodthisisthebestthingeverIlovethisfsnficitisawesome!
Nopey-lopey! But when you think about it . . . THIRD!!
still funny...but definetly space things out more, sorry sorry
its fine. I am definately open for critizism. And the enter bar hates me lol
Here is my advice on your story:
Quick fix: make every new speaker on a new line. Otherwise it is rushed. And it looks nicer. And longer.
Personal preference: use "awesome" and "amazing" sparingly. You aren't 12, use bigger words.
Strong personal obstervation: sexual tension is he driving force of a good romance slice of life fic. In less that 5000 words the main char has started the relationship. Making mountains out of molehills is how slice o life works.
Sympathy: I understand the struggle of making longer chapters. My fics have short chapters too. The solution is to not be afraid to write two different scenes in the same chapter.
Plot gripe: everything has been going swimmingly thus far. The issue is the lack of tension or exestential crisis.
Hope this advice improves your writing
awsome chapters!........and YEAH FOR INNER!
but humanxponies....
sorry
...part of me doesnt want to know and another does, on one hand bat shit craziness
, on the other...bat shit craziness. 
AWSOME chapter! keep up the good work!
SECOND!!! :D Sorry. I had to do that.
Also, I LOVE the name of your story. It rhymes!!!
Poor Elise.
"Oh goddess would the blushing ever stop?? LOL NOPE"
Best. Line. EVA!!!!
Dude. See the FREAKING Princess. If anypony could possibly turn pony/ human into human/pony, it would be her.
Lol. but if we did that, the story would make too much sense!
Well, I was GOING to say this after reading the first five chapters, been then you had to go and fix nearly EVERYTHING I was going to say:
"Hmm. Interesting first few chapters. I like what you've done so far, but it is FAR too rushed in my opinion. Elise seems like a likable person, and Ryan is... a bit more easy to relate to for me than I should be comfortable with, but you are developing a bit fast. I mean, you did hit a loop-hole with the two of them knowing each other for a while before hand, but five chapters in could be a bit soon for a couple to appear. I will applaud you on having the PonyXHuman couple be incompatible though, as many stories try to come up with an excuse for how a pony and a human could be together (I am not excluded from that particular list!
). Your chapter structure could use some work too. Some spacing and separation of speakers would make it easier to read. The chapters are also just a pinch short for my tastes. I'd say, try working for at least a 2k word minimum, which I see you said you would try for anyway. All in all, it's a great start to what looks to be a fairly long story coming together. Nice work so far, Ela. (That nickname okay?) 
"
Nearly everything I was going to say fix, is fixed. Bucking. Fantastic. Your word count is still messy, so that's one thing. Also not so sure about the 'incompatible' comment anymore. But I'm impressed. Formatting has improved (Quite a lot, I should add), You slowed the pace down a bit,which is good. Speakers were separated and paragraphs were spaced fairly well. All in all, a big improvement. I'm loving the story, Ela. Great work so far. (Seriously though, is that nickname okay? I like nicknames, but not everypony does!)
cute. fluffy
and mushy
at the same time, but cute 
Another very nice chapter, Ela. I did notice a few spacing errors here and there, including this one:
)
Ryan snickered. “Cutie Mark Crusader?” “Don’t ask.” I hissed.
There should be a new line between '...Crusader?" and "Don't...'
That was the worst and most noticeable one, so you're doing well with spacing so far. Everything else is going well as of yet.
I liked the scene with Elise painting the 'Fancy Letterin'' on the barn, and I like the way you're incorporating the Mane 6. That last scene with Elise and Ryan was definitely cute, too. Nice work, Ela. Keep it up!
(P.S. If you didn't know it, you can actually reply to comments via the little square with thought bubbles in it on the upper right corner of every comment. If you use that, it will notify the person you replied to that you did so. Just in case you didn't know!
i knew that. but you weren't the only person who asked so i just put it at th top cause i'm too lazy to answer two or three people separately lol!! Thanks for the critizism though and i'll go ahead and fix that
thanks for noticing!
>>FlowerGirl3765 stuff i say in real life. what does that tell ya? it should tell you my life is a sitcom lol
O.O
What. Just. Happened?! Damn. Well, you did use magic on your paint... wonder if that had anything to do with it...
FEE-D-BAH-CK thank you!
.........
sorry.
i still say the soul eating painting would have been awsome....either that or a dimensional rip in the time space continuum that led the poor soul into a dimension of giant amazonian women who torture men to death with snu-snu.
awsome chapter though eli! keep 'em coming.
YES!!!!!! SO. MUCH. YES!!!!!!
>>FlowerGirl3765 I'll take that as a "i like this chapter" lol
wordans.us/wvc-1334514220/wordansfiles/images/2012/4/15/137917/137917_340.jpg
FIRST
1544260
.... what is it with people and first comments!? lol. here's your award!!! *takes out rough draft of next chapter*
1545375this is my frist tim geting first
1545602lol. Then congrats to youuuuuuuuu!
1545829plz tell me your pic does not happen
1545969 now an answer to that would be a spoiler wouldnt it? What. Do you think elise isnt good enough for ryku? Lol
1546033just plz putt the humans together
1546033now about that rough draft
1546142 1. Youll just have to wait and see. Im an evil person you know
and we ALL know elise is now a hungover stalker pony soooooo lol and 2. 
An HiE where the human knows magic!?
i.imgur.com/Oonlc.gif
1552932
that... that.. that... i dont even know...
Aaaannnddd... Didn't read, I'm out!
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1552953
and i hate you. so.
1552969 Love you too, Sweetie.
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1552984
OH MY GAWDESS
1552994 Ya see... Originally, I had you ticked off..., but I managed to make you smile, ya wanna know how?
Buckin'
i.imgur.com/VUMeR.gif
1553012
WHAT THE BUCK IS THAT????? Trixie in male troll form?
1553039 Well ol' girl, I do believe I shall end this the way any sensible gentleman would...
With...
i.imgur.com/PT53l.gif
1553057
with jam.... rape... Now why would you rape the jam. That's not nice