We all know the story of how Twilight learned of the fact that Nightmare Moon was returning and how she both found and became one of the Bearers of the Elements Of Harmony, but what if there was another legend she read before that. What if, the legend of 'The Phoenix Princess' was also real. And what if the legend was centered around Twilight herself.
Well Read on and find out how 'The Phoenix Princess' and 'The Legend Of Nightmare Moon' are linked and why it seems that they are converging on Twilight Sparkle.
Chapters (13)
Just a note, while I love the whole storybook opening, it seems like you sorta rushed the opening. Maybe don't make it quite so obvious.
Otherwise, great premise, will follow, can't wait for more.
7853789 Yeah, I kind of figured that that whole storybook opening was rushed, but I didn't know much of what else to do for it. There are a number of ways I could have done it, but I didn't have any clue on how to do it right. If you want to, think you can send me a scene of how you want it to start?
I already have another chapter the works, but I may need some help on it. If you want to, that is?
7853848 I would love to help. My biggest problem as a writer is I come up with something, but can't finish it. Hopefully working with someone else will help me.
7853861 I have the same problem. what shall we call this epic team up? I know We Shall call it "THE EPIC OF TWO WRITERS"
but in all seriousness, this is my second attempt to write. the last story I tried flopped because I hit a massive writers wall after the first chapter because i was trying a story that was way too advanced for my Lvl of writing.
7853940 This is either going to be the best thing we've written, or it will be a train wreck, that a car crashes into, that sinks to the bottom of a lake, and manages to catch fire, and explodes.
LETS DO THIS
7853952 I was thinking more along the lines of crashes into a school bus full of all-star basketball players, leading them to fly into a mountain and trigger an avalanche that wipes out a small fishing village that was keeping Cuthulu contained, causing it to rise up and end all sanity on earth.
though that apocalypse will have to wait until tomorrow as I am about ready to fall asleep like twilight and I don't like waking up with a crick in my back.
7853965 I just quoted The Amazing World of Gumball, you sound like you quoted The Lost Narrator and her grim darks.
7853969 I try.
as I said before though I am tired as it is 11:50 here and I have to take my sister to work in the morning. so good night and I will be starting the insanity train later.
Uhh. wut?
7856465 talking about the comments? or the chapter?
Looks like it could be interesting. Although I'm left wondering why there's a human tag on it.
7857571 it's a surprise! Though to be honest i kinda forgot that was there, but i do have a plan with it.
Looks interesting. Is twi gonna be the magical Phoenix warrior? Probably not, but still going in tracking. Keep up the good work.
Can you make another chapter please?
7887344 yea I plan on it.
just need to do a few tweaks on the legend so I can get to the encounters with the other five and get the story rolling.
What's it a crossover with?
keeping an eye on this.
7903974 don't know yet. i had a strange plan but now that i think of it i may just get rid of that tag, unless i can get an idea on what to cross-it-over with.
I think I might pick nits at the particular disease that was chosen; botulism causes creeping paralysis.
7920810 I know. the paralysis moments will be expounded on in the next chapter. I'm mostly going with the fact that the paralysis hasn't started yet.
here are the symptoms.
~usualy have muscle tremors.
~may be so weak that they cannot stand up.
~lose control of their tongue so it may hang from their mouth.
~can't eat and they drool because they can't swallow.
~may walk stiffly with a short stride or they may be weak and stumble. Their tail may lose its tone.
I plan on having each encounter with the other five be a sign of the disease progressing.
7920810 and here is another fact.
I approve : )
7858648 i cant spoil anything but i work with the author from time to time and all i can say is maybe?
Right about to read this, but I want to know when this will be updated, as I see it is on hiatus.
8085951 next chapter is in the works but delayed cause my editor was having issues of his own.
should start ramping up soon.
8085994
Oh, okay. Thanks!
I read them, and they were pretty good, but nothing has really happened in the story yet, so they are a bit tedious to read just because of that. I do think it'll be much better when we get to the meat of the story, though.
8086035 might not get there as soon as you think as i have to go through the rest of the mane six, but i do have a baseline of their interactions, though small spoiler warning they have already met twilight, but she doesn't know them.
8086048
Ah, well it is still pretty enjoyable, right now, it just needs to pick up some speed. Whenever that happens, it will become more interesting.
8086616 if you want a better sneak peak on the upcoming chapter, want to give me a hand on the reactions the rest will have when they meet twilight 'again'.
8086640
Oh, I'm no writer, I don't know how to write in the perspective of a different person.
8087026 no worries. was just a suggestion. just out of curiosity who should I have twilight meet first? Just go with canon and have pinkie be first, or do something different?
8087069
Twilight won't meet Pinkie Pie, she'll meet Twilight first, honestly. She's sick so there needs to be an excuse for them to come to her.
8087166 good point, though, I think I'm gonna have her try and do her rounds even if she's sick. and yea pinkie is most definitely going to be the one to meet twilight instead of the other way around.
can not wait to see where you take this story... so far i am liking the idea. ^_^
Keep up the good work! ^_^
8090992 thanks.
i have a few ideas on where I'm going with this story, but nothing solid yet.
It's very good and I can't wait for more.
when can i expect the next update?
not sure yet. i have an idea during the festival but right now im just stuck.
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/592/253/714.jpg
8195865 like I said. work, not knowing what I'm doing, and just being lazy make it hard for me to update this. i'll try to update faster when i have free time.
This is how it went:
(I would have loved to write one of them but only two of the Mane 6 that I can write convincingly is
)
Twilightand Fluttershy. But I can't write squat using my tablet, so I will actually write Flutter's meeting but it is going to be slow so if someone does write one for you before I finish message me that you at least choose one.(Addendum: Pinkie was the only one who is so crazy for me to use to make this comment.)
8197696 got it. and if someone does submit a chapter with fluttershy already, I'll let you know
8197812 thanks. Ate you going to go in the order from the show or as they come?
8200054 while I think that having the encounters be in order would be good, I don't mind if they happen in a difference sequence.
The main reason for this idea is I'm not great at the personalities of the main six aside from Twilight. So I don't know how to portray their reactions to seeing Twilight when all of them think she was dead, or in the case of Rarity, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash, talking about the tragedy that happened
8200268 so for Fluttershy it happened before she got there? Also I'm very similar in that I can’t effectively portray any of the Mane 6 though in order of believe ability for me is something like this:
Awe come on Chiefie you know you love making everpony Smile!
What! What is!? Oh bloody hell she's broken it again!
Huh? What did I break, Chiefie? And what do you mean it and how can I know what it is?
I'm talking about the Wall!! The Fourth-wall that you keep breaking.
Ya'know why don't you have the repair ponies add a door so I don't have to break The wall every time I come to pay you a visit.
You know I wish you could break it like you do for everybody else and not actually BREAK through my wall! It's costing me lots of money.
Come now. Pinkamena here goes through all the trouble to come say hi and all you do is yell at her, your only friend?
oi get off my head! And keep your snaggle tooth out of my business Dissy this is between me and Pinkie.
You know I hate that name.
Hey that's a good one. So Dissy since your here why don't you bring the rest of our friends, so we can introduce Chiefie here to them. As then have a party!
Confound this Mare! She'll drive me to drink...or cupcakes. Not sure which is worse.
That's a capital idea. Not to mention what it would do to Chief here.
Hey if you're doing this at least please fix my wall, Discord.
Sure I can do that.
Hey tha...Why is there a Door in my wall!?....It doesn't even go anywhere!
Well it's for Pinkie to come visit you more often with the rest of the girls. We both know how much Twilight would love to meet you, and this way she can visit anytime she wants without needing me here.
Sorry everpony but Chiefie isn't able to finish this and Dissy says the girls can't know about the show....Hey I made a rhyme but I don't have the time to work out that quirk
(Addendum: I did a horrible job at Pinkie here.)
((Awe I think you did great. Hey want a cupcake?))
8202375 "
" Sompony who can portray me efectivly! YAY!!
for those of you who would like to help speed up the updates for this story, or would like to add your own scenes and/or situations that Twilight and the others encounter. head to my discord chatroom here.
https://discord.gg/nEZdBb8
that opening sounds like it's coming from a reference/field guide, but it's written like an amature. I'm not asking you to hit full professional levels of detail, but read through a field guide or two and use that as a reference point.
Beyond that, your dialogue is mostly fine except for when it's being forced to relay information. You should have started the story with twilight having weird dreams while getting sicker and sicker, instead of starting at one point and then jumping further back. That almost never works in writing. If you're ever writing something and you feel the need to step back in time, ask yourself three questions: Can the story work without this, would it work if the story started here instead, and do the readers need to know any information from this scene before this point? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, structure your story differently.
7920810
Yeah, it might be better if the doctors described symptoms that show she's dying- liver failure, irregular heartbeat, muscle atrophy in the extremities, etc. The kind of things that show the body is falling apart without giving a specific cause that might make an informed reader roll their eyes.
8261128
Thanks.
I know that the opening needs work, but I could never get it to feel right. If you would, could you point out the spots that need work?
I could also use an editor cause I don't catch many of the mistakes that well. And yes it was in a reference book style, but I didn't write it. I asked permission if I could use a chapter from Everfreepony's story Natura Semper Liberi and the Phoenix chapter. I know that it's a lazy writing method, but I had wanted to start with a book they way the show does.
as for the rest, I don't know right now how to re-work the flow to fit.
8261627
I think the most egregious issue is when Twilight out of nowhere says "but it doesn't explain why I'm dying". it's this sudden jump from 1 to 10 with no warning and it's really out of place.