PinkieYukari
Joined 27th Apr, 2012 ·
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Like previously stated, this was written because my mind would not shunt the idea to the side so I could continue my other story. Not that it wasn't a pleasant idea, but it got annoying that it just wriggled around in there, begging to be written. Review is widely accepted, and thank you for reading.
Okay! Being a heterosexual (but open-minded) male, I felt it would be good to read this so I could review this without being too emotionally attached.
Unfortunately, my plan failed, since your writing is good.
Okay, but seriously, this is good so far. Your writing and your grammar are both sound, a few errors here or there, but nothing that prevents this from being a comfortable read. The only real complaint I have to offer is that Dusk's feelings about Bubble kissing him are somewhat meager. I feel you should give his thoughts more detail in the future, make it clearer that Dusk is honestly confused as to why this is happening all of the sudden.
Overall, a fine read and I'm certain that people out here that are serious fans of subject matter such as this will like it even more than I do. Keep it up!
You, my friend, have successfully hooked my attention.
You made gay ponies seem okay, that's hard, and I mean hard to do. Great work.
P.S. I don't know why, but lesbian ponies are totally okay, hell, even bondage seems a little less "the fucked up?" with ponies.
But gay... it's still...
I don't get it... Ponies make just about every kinky thing semi-okay apart from a select few, but gay... is still gay.
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Ah, yes, thank you. I had a feeling that there was something off about that. I promise that I'll try to delve into that in the next chapter. Let's just go with the excuse that Dusk was too drunk to think too much for now, eh?
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Ah, THAT double standard. You wouldn't believe how many people I've heard say that female homosexuality (lesbianism) is okay, but male homosexuality (gayness) is revolting. Honestly, the human psyche is a cruel, cruel, discriminate thing sometimes.
I found a little error right as Blitz was leaving:
She stood up and walked out of the club, leaving the two colts by themselves in the bouncing-loud place.
SHE stood up and walked out of the club, leaving the two colts by themselves in the bouncing-loud place.
But otherwise the story was great!
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Ah, thank you. The little things are what annoy me the most; so easy to make and miss. Rainbow, why do you have to be so gender-ambiguous?
cool story bro
a very great lol at the end, please do make more of this
Even if it's dudes, it's still a good story, want to see how it turns out!
Yaoi is my kryptonite.
My only complaint is a lack of sexy times....
Do more damnit!
Awwww yea! Stallion shipping, good comedy, a good conflict and the R63 version of one of my favorite couples.
It's funny. I don't even know why I decided to use alcohol as a general premise. I have little to no knowledge of the stuff myself, being 14 and all. Maybe it seemed like that the best way to get two colts kissing was getting the crazy one drunk.
My mind, sometimes... I don't even know.
Well well well, the R63 ponies get a chance to shine. This'll make for some "interesting" times...
Uh, is this the whole thing? It stops without a period or quotation marks.
I would highly suggest writing longer chapters.
I'll track it to see how it'll turn out.
Ayaya, FiMFiction. So much trouble just for me to click the Publish button. I mean, really?
Despite the short length of this chapter it started off alright, good prose etc. etc.
However...
A week? It took a week of Bubble avoiding Dusk for him to think something's up?
I would expect any in character version of Twilight to chase after an upset friend to try and help them especially if she's the cause of it.... Unless they specifically tell her to sod off.
And to top that off why in the name of all the stars in the sky didn't Dusk have a panic attack and round up the others the INSTANT he found out Bubble had legged it?
Why did it take Applejack telling the lavender sod to get moving before he acted??
And why hadn't the others noticed something fishy??
Seriously.... Think about these things...
So Bubble is bisexual? Strangely, that makes perfect sense. As does obliviously-gay Dusk. I love it. I can hardly wait for more.
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Y-yeah... honestly, I'm still kinda a rookie writer. But my premise was that Berry had disappeared and nopony (but the Cakes) knew that he had done so. After all, haven't you gone and saw your friends one day, and then not see them for a while? Not to mention the Cakes told Dusk the same day he brought them all together, but Berry had upped and gone.the day before. I tend to.scramble these things constantly. I should improve over time though.
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I can understand being a rookie we're all newbies at one point and some people forget that.... Even me...
You still gotta remember that this is a Pinkie Pie character here and she's friends with EVERYONE and a near constant in day to day life.
What you could have done (and what I think you should have done) is instead of doing a "one week later" thing you could have drawn it out, have Dusk shrug Bubble's behaviour off for the first morning then flick to the next day where maybe he's going to Quils and Sofas and he spots Berry talking to somepony and tries to go say hi and apologise for getting angry but as soon as Bubble spots Shine he panics and runs.
Then have similarish scenarios maybe Dusk asking Elusive or Blitz about it.
If you do that you can convey a sense of growing concern as Dusk notices Berry stubbornly avoiding him while making the chapter meatier.
And maybe instead of the cakes telling Dusk that Berry'd run away (as that should set off alarm bells straight away) just have them say that Bubble had gone out and that they don't know where he'd gone.
Then come the get together have someone come late (Blitz would be the best for that) say that they went by Sugarcube Corner and inform them that Bubble's been missing since the previous day.
Then have Shine spill the beans.
That way Dusk Shine doesn't look like a moronic prick.
And upon finding out that Bubble's missing and the others having shared a knowing look about Dusk's ignorance and Berry's infatuation all of them leave the diner and split up to find him.
That stops the others from looking insensitive.
Maybe while the others all glance at eachother you could've been from Dusk's perspective showing the reader Dusk's obliviousness then later have maybe Butterscotch and Elusive meet up during the search and then bring up Bubble Berry's previous infatuation and maybe that they noticed Bubble attempting to flirt with an oblivious Dusk.
Especially as Elusive is perceptive of that sort of thing.
And of course by a twist of fate Dusk stumbles upon Berry's hiding spot in the wilderness (I would suggest the Whitetail Woods... Everfree's overused.) and confronts him...
Wew wall of text....
Sorry 'bout that.
But everything's said and done so I guess that was a waste...
TL;DR Big point:
It's a great idea to SHOW the audience instead of TELLING them.
cant wait for the other chapter!
Well, aside from the facts that there weren't any fireworks and the purple part of this prose was sadly lacking, I have an interest in this story, and it is, so far, maintained.
I like the intro with the scientific name for alcohol and ol' Dusk Shine's comments about it. I also find it incredibly appropriate that his large brain can only slosh around in so much alcohol. I would have preferred it if he didn't suffer from drunken silence; an inebriated colt spouting obscure, scientific nonsense is somehow more entertaining to me than a stupefied smarty-pants.
The part about Berry's multitude of drinks could have gone with a lot more description. Some more descriptions like how one of the drinks was on fire, that it resembled a lava lamp complete with the bizarre globules, or that it seemed to... wail disconcertingly, would have been more enjoyable to read than general descriptions of what the Pink Party Pony was knocking back with reckless abandon.
The beeper was slightly off. It would have been more Equestrian level if there was a member of the Weather Patrol out rounding-up his or her compadres from the usual pony-plastering-pitfalls, and added an interesting scene with Rainbow Blitz trying (and failing) to prove that he is sober enough to handle a few more drinks. Failing that, a bartering scene would have been interesting.
As said earlier, the lack of metaphorical fireworks in the kissing scene and the necessary unnecessary wordiness to enhance the mood and the "Pow!" of The Kiss was kind of disappointing. The end hook was also kind of embarrassing and painful to look at. Still, the meat of the story lies within the drama in the aftermath, so I'm holding my breath for this to get better.
A word of blunt honesty: I'm probably only reading this for the r63, gay Twinkie.
Interest: lost.
The huge wall of ellipses lost me, and the abrupt, too fast conversation with the foursome left behind was disappointing and painful to read. As a writer, it pays to be subtle and not EXTREMELY blunt about what happens to your characters, to maintain some level of mystique and interest. It's nice to see that something is eating away at a character--makes them all the more interesting--but revealing what is eating away at them too soon without the appropriate level of preparation for the Big Reveal makes people lose interest VERY quickly. It's kind of like my video game ending syndrome; the moment I discover the ending, I lose all will to play again.
The bit about pancakes was nice, and I was looking forward to the action rising, but unfortunately, everything past that point descended into unnecessary rushing and incredible, painful bluntness. Please consider adding some purple prose to this story, as it is too beige as is and lacks the means to keep the reader's excitement without actually satisfying it. Think, for lack of better terms, of a striptease; excite with a show of things to come, but don't give it to them just yet.
The lack of interaction with the Cakes was saddening. I would have preferred it better if we got sight of the conversation between Dusk Shine and Berry Bubble's pseudo-parents rather than have Dusk Shine break the news over lunch. It would have added some drama if you showed how the Cakes might have been reluctant to share that information, and a bit of character building for Dusk Shine when he shows a little more worry than usual.
I can't really think of anything else to say. My typing arms hurt, so adios, and thanks for the Gay Twinkie. It was rather nice of you to put it up on Fim Fiction for all of us to see.
i.imgur.com/7FDDP.png
Baaahh, fuck. Sorry for not updating in...
Holy shit... 3 months or so?
I've just been hit with a combination of different things including going to Kansas, helping my sister move, and going straight into high school. I promise that a new chapter of either one of my stories should be up soon, along with a one-shot that I've been writing to clear out the writer's clot.
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Cool, was just about to ask when an update was planned. Nice to hear this story is going to continue.
So can we assume this story is cancelled?