Aliss
Joined 14th Mar, 2016 ·
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Aliss · 2.2k words · 9 1 · 512 views
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Not a bad idea, but it could use some work I suppose.
I agree, its a real nice idea and can grow into a pretty good story with a bit more help. I just have one main issue at the moment and that is this: how exactly did Rainbow Dash smell the death and decay if it had just started?
A nice idea, as everybody seems to agree, but a less than perfect execution. Other than a few grammarical errors, the whole thing felt to short and rushed to have any emotional effect on me. Consider putting more time into your next chapter, it may make all the difference.
7576729 it had actually begun when Pinkie went out to stop the fight with the two stallions. Many of the townsponies were bit in that struggle, which caused many of them to turn.
7576418
7576852
Thank you for the positive feedback! I will admit, I did rush a bit. That won't be a problem in the next chapter!
One question would ocs bo ok in this when nedded
Alright, after skimming through the first chapter, I can only say that I'm neutral about this story. There were a lot of errors, and one of the many that pissed me off is the over-use of "..." Way too many pauses, bro. After the first and second time, they lose their luster.
Correct this to:
Applejack asking Twilight if she's alright IMPLIES that she is worried for her friend's health.
Like others have said, this seems like an interesting idea, but rather poor execution. However, I wish you luck on the next chapter.
7578105 Yea, after reading the chapter through I realized I shouldn't use the style of writing I used. I wrote it as I would speak it. I'm a very dramatic person, so by adding pauses it would correspond to how I would naturally speak. Thank you for the feed back, I'm currently working on the next chapter!
7577617 I don't plan on adding any PC's in this. At the very most ill add a background character or two
7579163 fair enough but love the story
Question can u help me with a zombie fic intro sometime kind sir or madam
Hello again, Aliss.
After reading the second chapter of your story, which I must say is significantly better than the first, I am sad to say I am still neutral on your story.
Allow me to explain why:
1. I have noticed in some areas of chapter two that you incorrectly use a comma when you do not really need to.
A way you COULD correct this would be:
See how I correctly use a period instead of a comma? That is A way of doing it.
2. I noticed some parts where you did a little too much telling. For example:
Explain how she realized the situation was grim! You could use dialogue, maybe have Rainbow look out a window, or anything else I have not mentioned.
Other than that, I did not notice anything major. But before I go, let me rattle off some things that were good about the chapter.
1. You greatly minimized the use of the pause. That is fantastic!
2. The part where Twilight explains to RD how the ponies are getting turned? Good stuff.
3. Pinkie Pie is dead!!!
Overall, nowhere near perfect, but a much improved job.
7626923 Hello, and thank you!
Yea, ive realized i use wayyy too many commas. It's always been a thing i do.
Other then that, thank you for commenting and reviewing the story!
The next chapter will be on Monday, I hope that it'll be better :P
Okay, so this is decent compared to my other fics (My fics suck in my opinion). Everything Pinkie Pie is Dumb said is true. One small thing that I think you could do would be to do a small tidbit of Celestia and Luna killing themselves instead of becoming zombies as the endless waves of the undead slam on the castle doors and break through the windows.
now let's take a moment to commemorate out fallen friends, family, and strangers. From ashes to ashes , from dust to dust, may god find a place in his soul for you, my fellow ponies. Amen AND LETS GO KILL ZOMBIES BITCHES HHAHAHAHA!!!
7628324 Funny enough, I was planning on writing a sequel that follows Celestia and Lune through the very beginning of the outbreak
7628863 I'll keep a eye out
Pretty good, didn't notice any writing errors in it. Ohhh, I'm so excited for the next chapter, this story is pretty good for now. Great story Aliss.
can i add a story to this zombie arc serires if its ok
7636703 a zombie arc series?
7636743 well you just started a zombie apocolypse which is good but it would be a shame to just end it and not explore the new world you made dont you think
7636763 I mean. I do plan on continuing it, but zombie fics are hard to make a series. At the most, ill do it from the point of view of Luna and Celestia.
7637674 i know people sepcilaize with certin characters in these things but diffrent people can contribute to the new world type with diffrent characters
NO!!! Are you done, this was probably my favorite fanfic at the moment, besides like 1, are you giving up on this?
7641136 Not entirely. I'm planning on writing a story from each of the princess's point of view. One for Cadence and one for Luna and Celestia.
As for this set story, yes. I literally have no ideas on how to continue it
7641418 alright, well I'll look out for the princess's storyline
Unlike what Undead Equestria Writer said, I did find a few things wrong with this chapter.
"There was no need to go there anymore."
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/210/119/9b3.png
Of course there was no need to go there anymore!
No need to say it.
Another thing that grabbed me was this next line:
You should have expanded a little more on that. Maybe have RD or Twilight say something about that, or you could have had Scootaloo rush over to Sweetie Bell. You know, have her weep over her fallen friend? I understand they were being chased, but in my honest opinion, that would have been a great touch.
Now here comes the good news...
*Drum Roll*
I am going to add this story to my good list!
Here is why:
That line, and RD kicking zombie ass, won me over. It was not perfect execution, pretty much all tell and no show, but it was the proper reaction for Rainbow to have! P.S. Get rid of the line in the above quote that I strike through. There is no need to come out and say that her voice was full of anguish and hatred. Rainbow yelling that she will kill them all is crystal clear on what her voice was full of.
One more thing before I end this chapter review:
Instead of using CAPS, use italics. It looks much more professional.
I look forward to other works by you, Aliss.
7641945 7670924 I know it's been a while but im actually almost done with the Celestia and Luna story. Once it's done and I get an editor ill be all set :P
8025505 I'm still waiting...
8026753 The story is on FimFiction, just not public. Just got an editor so it may be done soon
8029477 alright... still waiting
8029477
We have found this.
We begin to read.
7577071
The beginning was underwhelming with barely any build up at all and with the immediate monster nom it seemed cheap.
We went from one scene that had all mane six to a single member in a different location several hours later with no divide between the other scene, twas confusing to say the least.
How would Rainbow know the smell of death? Explain her experience.
How was one of the first characters we saw in this story killed? The death seemed underwhelming for one of her long time friends.
Why did Rainbow decide to go to the boutique in the first place? Explain her reasoning.
8047704 Yea,after reading the story over I definitely see what you mean. However I will redo this story sometime in the future.
8047709 My bad, I meant the beginning
Can't all of them fly? And just have Scoots get on Rainbow's back.
Otherwise, pretty good. I enjoyed it.