Question can u help me with a zombie fic intro sometime kind sir or madam

Hello again, Aliss.

After reading the second chapter of your story, which I must say is significantly better than the first, I am sad to say I am still neutral on your story.
Allow me to explain why:

1. I have noticed in some areas of chapter two that you incorrectly use a comma when you do not really need to.

Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo were taken back by the sight, that was until Twi and Fluttershy’s stance fell with relief.

A way you COULD correct this would be:

Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo were taken back by the sight. That was until Twi and Fluttershy’s stance fell with relief.

See how I correctly use a period instead of a comma? That is A way of doing it.

2. I noticed some parts where you did a little too much telling. For example:

Rainbow Dash stood quiet, she realized the grim situation they were in.

Explain how she realized the situation was grim! You could use dialogue, maybe have Rainbow look out a window, or anything else I have not mentioned.

Other than that, I did not notice anything major. But before I go, let me rattle off some things that were good about the chapter.

1. You greatly minimized the use of the pause. That is fantastic!

2. The part where Twilight explains to RD how the ponies are getting turned? Good stuff.

3. Pinkie Pie is dead!!!

Overall, nowhere near perfect, but a much improved job.

7626923 Hello, and thank you!

Yea, ive realized i use wayyy too many commas. It's always been a thing i do.

Other then that, thank you for commenting and reviewing the story!

The next chapter will be on Monday, I hope that it'll be better :P

Okay, so this is decent compared to my other fics (My fics suck in my opinion). Everything Pinkie Pie is Dumb said is true. One small thing that I think you could do would be to do a small tidbit of Celestia and Luna killing themselves instead of becoming zombies as the endless waves of the undead slam on the castle doors and break through the windows.

now let's take a moment to commemorate out fallen friends, family, and strangers. From ashes to ashes , from dust to dust, may god find a place in his soul for you, my fellow ponies. Amen AND LETS GO KILL ZOMBIES BITCHES HHAHAHAHA!!!

7628324 Funny enough, I was planning on writing a sequel that follows Celestia and Lune through the very beginning of the outbreak

7628863 I'll keep a eye out