Equestria's beloved ruler, Princess Celestia, Goddess of the Sun and Monarch of the Day begins to look on all that she has created. Together with her loving sister Luna, she created a boundless paradise that united ponies of all kinds under a glorious and prosperous society.
However, during an unexpected and unprovoked attack on the Palace, a single pony stood between the Sun Goddess and her would-be assassin, a Changeling infiltrator. The lowly guard pony gave his life to protect his queen, and it was then that Celestia realised the price of life, and how very precious it is. Unable to bear the guilt of the guard's sacrifice, Celestia finds solice in the only pony she knew the guard best, and one who she knows would understand her - her guard captain, Shining Armour.
Alright, i read it. It is well written, but there is something about this I can't put my hoof on. Something about this... GAH im going to go insane thinking about it.
this is fantastic, the delivery, the use of words, the descriptions of every single event. although it did think that shining armor was the one who died in the begining. also i think you should indent when you start a new paragraph to make it a little easier to read.
Skimmed over the first chapter, this looks extremely promising. I'm gonna add it to my read later list and wait for you to finish it, then read the whole thing in one go. Good luck with the writing!
you really need to indent and make your paragraphs much smaller and you need to separate them also . It will make the story much easier to read and enjoy, just me I learned that out the hard way. on a good notes great story keep up the good work
I like it, but it does need to be edited and polished a little more.
First of all, I love this story already, and I can't wait for more. Second, SHINING ARMOUR JUST DID WHAT?!
Very well written! I love your descriptions and vocabulary in particular. Not a huge fan of the story line but that's just my personal preferences. I think under different circumstances I would enjoy it. Take a thumbs up.
Thank you everypony for feedback
i will go over editing and such other things and part 2 will come
up soon.
Thank you :)
823707
I didn't notice too much in purely technical errors, but the dialogue feels stilted. Mind if I make some stylistic suggestions?
Please do. dialogue isnt my strong point :)
his charge and queen, but there was nothing he could do for her. She suddenly opened her arresting eyes and refocused on the captain.
"Um, princess?
^wat?
and also, green magic is usually the antagonists colour of magic (flim flam, chrysalis, etc.)
although her title is 'princess', she rules like a queen anyway. plus in the MLP title sequence, she has green light on her horn when she opens twilight's letter
The plot thickens!
her magic is yellow and her official title is PRINCESS! god, jim.
this chapter was better than the last but after the flashback the font needs to stop being italic
this needs to be featured... nuff said
832841 I completely agree with you
Flashbacks?
FLASHBACKS?????
pretty interesting, the emotions of shining armor and princess cadence seem to change rather rapidly though
"her royal parents would be their "
oops jim, wrong spelling of 'there
:P
also, "continueing" isn't a word
*GRAMMAR NAZI OUT*
I love this fic so much I am going to give it a hug *hugs computer screen*, This really good. The emotions are rollercoasting right now between sadness and wonder at how well written this is and interesting it is. Eagerly awaiting the next chapter...have some Spikes
Thank you grammer nazi, no idea how i missed them
And thank you everypony for feedback. chapter 4 on is way
870951
you know, yolu're supposed to REPLY to my comments, not just make a new comment.. right?
870951
in addition: "chapter 4 on is way" should be "chapter 4 is on its way"
872124
....thank you...-.-
872726
make a new chapter already so i can correct it!!
so what? have you finished with this or..?
ahem is that queen chrysalis?