Adorable Adaptable Amusing Atrocious Shorts

by Glen Gorewood

Tank's Secret Life

In the cloud home Rainbow Dash calls home, a lone tortoise sits in a special space made for him. His helicopter pack attached to his shell has recently modified anti gravity magic so he can finally live with his owner in the sky. This tortoise is known to many as Tank, and in his custom open desert terrarium space in the cloud home he waits for a sign. You see tank is a very special Tortoise, with a very special life. As he sits, chomping lettuce slowly in his jaws, a sound reverberates from the other side of the room. Moving swiftly as only a tortoise with a helicopter pack can, Tank flies over to the source of the noise. Atop the table near the door is a painting of the Wonderbolts, signed by Spitfire herself. Hovering near it the inquisitive tortoise realizes the painting is the source, and moves closer. Before it's eyes the painting flips to show a flat screen display monitor with loads of fancy buttons.

The screen coated in static shimmers until it slowly forms into the relative shape of a pony, a pony who is none other than Princess Luna. Clearing her throat she begins to speak. "Agent Tort, how are you doing today? Enjoying your new abode?"

Tank swallows the lettuce before responding, but not with a silly turtle noise oh no; for Tank is a very special tortoise.
In a smooth and suave voice Agent Tort replies, "Hello are you the new L, lovely day isn't it? Quite a nice assignment you have given me here, far better than that musty old apartment in Hoofington."

Luna snorts in response, her eyes rolling at the talking tortoise before her.
"Well it wasn't so much an assignment as a retirement plan Agent Tort, we honestly never expected to need your services or special skills again." The princess of the moon's voice betrays something is ahoof, and not the sort of thing just anyone can handle.

Tank, or Agent Tort tries to raise an eyebrow and fails. Such things are quite impossible most of the time as a tortoise. Unable to physically display his emotions, he decides instead to voice them. In a rather sarcastic and dry voice he responds to Luna, or L.
"Well then, for what reason are you calling upon me again. It isn't like there could possibly be anything you would need someone of my expertise for L. Besides as you well know, once retired an Agent can never.." Tank looks to the side, indicating that in some ways he feels regret or annoyance. Tortoises are hard to read.

Luna sighs and lowers her eyes a bit, after all in a way this is her fault. "I'm sorry Agent Tort, but there is no way to reverse the transformation to retirement." Her voice carries regret and worry, her actions may have gained Rainbow Dash an amazing pet but they had caused the lost of a great agent. Raising her eyes to stare at tank once more, she puts on a professional expression for time is of the essence.
"Agent Tort, I called upon you because other retired Agents are going missing, I suspect that it may be the work of Dark Guise."

Tank immediately raises his head and growls out, "I thought you said he was dead. That monster's demise is the only reason I retired, I saw him perish in that massive vat of green goo! How could the fiend have possibly survived?"

Luna shakes her head exasperated., "I do not know Agent Tort, all I do know is that Dark Guise has been kidnapping your fellow retired Agents assigned to the Elements of Harmony. The only ones not to fall are Agents Razor and Silence.."

Tank laughs a tortoise laugh in response, "Oh those two, of course they are the last ones standing. Silence has been retired longer than any of us, and knows how to use his form best. As for Razor, that hare is one lettuce leaf short of insanity and is only still somewhat sane due to his vow to protect those he is assigned to." Tank goes silent upon realizing who has gone missing. "L, are you telling me that Ice is..."

Luna closes her eyes and nods confirming the tortoises worst fears. "I am afraid Agent Tort that Ice, Jaws, Howler, and Flyby are the ones that were taken."

"No..She wouldn't let them..She's too smart for that..Flyby too?" Tank gasps out in fear and dread, and something that sounds like heartbreak.

Luna responds calmly, the hard part over. "Agent Tort effective immediately I am reactivating you, Razor, and Silence from retirement. Sadly we have no way to reverse your transformation permanently, but due to working with Rebel Hive X we have come up with a temporary solution. If you are interested, walk towards the screen and press the green button."

Tank stares at the Night Princess, tears and worry in his eyes. "What about Rainbow Dash? What will she think when I am gone, who will protect her? I can't just leave the young lass here alone, it's too dangerous."

Luna nodded and in a business like tone responds, "We have already thought of that Agent Tort, thankfully there were exactly six other Agents up for retirement as of yesterday. They have volunteered to replace you and the others temporarily, be warned their retirement forms are not permanent. However they will protect the Many 6 until this matter is resolved. That said Agent Tort.."

Tank looks up as Luna stares into his eyes through the screen, looking beneath the changed form of the tortoise to the veteran Agent beneath.
"Will you once more fight for Equestria, and save it and your fellows from certain doom?"

Tank stares back, eyes hardening into those of one who has seen too much to ever truly turn back. Who has done too much to ever truly change into something else. Voice calm and suave yet again he says "L, if it will help save Ice and the others I will return to the service of your Royal Majesties and Equestria. Agent Tort reporting for duty." With one last look around the cloud home, Agent Tort aka Tank the Tortoise hovers over to the green button and presses it with his foot. The screen lights up as Luna's image fades to white, as a blinding flash of teleportation lights up the room as Agent Tort disappears.

A second flash a few minutes later and another slightly different tortoise appears with an identical helipack. Flying over to the terrarium he glances around and grabs a piece of lettuce, with a slight grin on his face he sighs. "Wow I never knew being retired was so relaxing, I could get used to being Tank the Tortoise and not Agent Slam." With a turn of his head the new Tank stares out the window at the clouds floating in front of the sun, and with one clawed foot manages an awkward salute.
"Faust's Speed Agent Tort, bring them home safe."

Author's Note:

He's a tortoise who led a life of danger, to all who know him he seems less sharp than a laser. But every step he makes, reflects a past of dark mistakes. Odds are he'll bring them back before tomorrow.

Secret Agent Tank, Secret Agent Tank, he's pulling up them clues, and changing the way it's played. Secret Agent Tank, Secret Agent Tank, formerly retired he's now back in the game.

Beware of all those around you as you dine, monsters lurk behind those masks of thine. Be careful who you date, they could be evil ain't no mistake. So when he goes to break, the form that he takes, it's going to reflect the problem.

Secret Agent Tank, Secret Agent Tank, he's pulling up them clues, and changing the way it's played. Secret Agent Tank, Secret Agent Tank, formerly retired he's now back in the game.

*guitar solo*

Secret Agent Tank, Secret Agent Tank, formerly retired he's now back in the game.

Flying in the market in Canterlot on Monday, dancing in Manehatten on Tuesday, no matter what he does it's a part of his secret game. He's got a mission, and he's going to save the day.

Secret Agent Tank, Secret Agent Tank, formerly retired he's now back in the game.
Secret Agent Tank, Secret Agent Tank, formerly retired he's now back in the game.

Yes I made Tank a Secret Agent. Will there be a sequel? Possibly, I'm not sure really. I just thought it was an interesting concept to explain the pets being missing in certain episodes. Let me know what you think in the comments.

Glen Gorewood