OC World, Characters, Plot and All: Pony Opera
Ah, what are you? Seems my sight perceives thee a Hexer, no? Hm another one, perhaps bound to the same calling of ridding this accursed nation of its plague. Yes, yes you are just like the rest who braved beyond these wall before, each with the magic of majins and the armor hence forged in a fortress below. The all failed. Left the calling falling to their own curse. Those who held strong found their fate to be very much similar. Such as you find me now they too are lively yet mad unlike I.
I found my peace and resolve finding that time is infinite and therefore an opportunity for such a curse to be scourged isn’t far fetched. I am a corps, oh naive hexer a corps I am. A corps with lungs emptied of air, with a heart drained of its blood ceasing to beat or to flex. I cannot feel. Not the coldness of these bricks or the soft, crude coarseness of these vines. I have no thirst yet I yearn for replenishment. No hunger but even just a taste of a grain of supplement to soothe my senses could ease this seemingly eternal anguish.
This, young Hexer, is the curse of Freath. Bodies of ponies lay in decay and acknowledgment like I myself. We await the end of this world however far it may seem. For a pony who finds himself or herself in Freath also finds swift death. However for those who find themselves lively longer than their due may proclaimed themselves accursed. An endless, horrid fate it is.
All right, so, this is the first of your writing that I've had the chance to read. I'm not really familiar with Bloodborne, which you said this takes cues from, nor Dark Souls, which appears to inspire your other stories, so to some extent I'm lost. On top of that, this is part of a continuing story, so I don't know the characters, places, or prior events referenced, which further leaves me a little alienated.
All that being said, the action is fairly well laid out and pulse-pounding, keeping things moving along quite swiftly. There was a little scene confusion near the end when the Hexer spoke in the middle of the flashback, since you didn't frame things quite right to suggest we were looking at a flashback, and that his comment was interrupting Mace's story. I'd suggest making it more clear.
Lastly, and most important to me...spelling and punctuation. This needs a good deal of editing to fix the numerous spelling errors and lack of punctuation. There were many instances where commas or semi-colons were needed to indicate pausing or a slight change of tack, as well as there being some sentences that needed to be split into two individual sentences.
My summary: I enjoyed the action, but this needs some cleaning up. If you'd like, I could have a go at it and clean it up for you.
Thank you for taking the time to read and offer up some advice.
Let me explain a few things that might have concerened you. When I say the story takes a few queues from dark souls I dont mean in anyway its actual plot or anything what I mean is in a story telling aspect. It's the not knowing part, weather it be who you are or why your here, only knowing that the world is, without prior knowledge of how or why it was. I have had some personal experience with this when I red books that we used to have. Often times they were second or third sequels and I would go in them, not knowing what was going on, but I soon found that it was actually more exiting. Figuring out what happened through character speech and subtleties was really fun and enjoying, and when I got the opportunity to buy or cheek out the original book it made it all the better knowing that I was right. The first one Hexers and the Tomb of Aminus starts off with some guy waking up on the side of a mountain and like in dark souls you wake up in a cellar not knowing why or how you got there only knowing that you need to escape. You experence the world through this hollow as you defeat monsters and slay beast, and the same is true for Joel as he gets run down by bandits and rescued by falconers one of which is Mace himself were as they explain a few things but not the world itself. He does soon find out through broken up speeches as they casual comment on things as they go about their adventure.
The bloodborne aspect comes from this story having visceral beast, twisted and horrifying. Not quiet monsters but something new all together. That is about the only thing I could take.
That offers a little insight to the justification and yes the commas are a bit of an issue especially when your tying to make a fast paced action book through words alone without it dragging on like in most animes and stuff instead taking to one punch man of anime fights and just skipping the exposition with fist flying and people dying.
Again thanks for the insight and yes you may and I will send you the password by PM. I'll fix what other errors may be. Thanks... again.
Loving all the action in this chapter. And it looks like there's more to come... Nice job with the Wyvern, too.
Who or what is Pony Opera?
7949325 Kinda like a space opera it just takes place in space and is an adventure, just thought I would do that for ponys in that its a fable just focusing on ponies in a world not directly related to Equestria in any way. I just wanted some creative freedom without the bands of the fandom holding me to any particular place, character or events.
A royal audience, eh? Intriguing...