Some people are morning birds, other people are night owls. Me? I'm some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon.
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Luna has a strange preference for batponies in her Royal Guard. Unfortunately, they're a pretty rare species, and not all of them are pleased with the constant nagging for them to join the military life.
Preread by pokefreak13 and VitalSpark, and edited by TheSillyDuck. They're great people.
(Terrible cover art by me)
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It's wonderful to see you writing again, and about one of your favourite topics — batponies — I believe this is the first story you've published about them.
7530180 What, batponies?
7530183
Yes. I edited my comment to clarify.
Really didn't get the ending at all.
So a golden statue isn't good enough... but his girlfriend getting a post in the solar guard, something I don't think was even hinted at that she wanted, that was enough?
I mean, she blushes at his stories, and thus that somehow equals military service for life? What? Really not seeing the train of logic there.
An interesting concept, though. Would really like to see this redone with a less nonsensical ending.
7530242 Yeah, endings aren't really my strong suit, I'll admit.
Not really sure how that piece of logic slipped by me. Thanks for pointing it out (and for the watch!).
I don't quite understand the ending. Where was it suggested that his girlfriend wanted to join the Solar Guard? It said she was a criminal—which was also under-explained—so why or how would she join the guard?
7530254 I...
...
...yeah, I have no idea.
7530258 It's a fun little story idea, but there does need to be some logic for the events that take place. Just drop a hint somewhere. You don't need to scream it in our faces, just suggest it somewhere in the conversation.
7530261 Alright, thanks for the feedback. I'll definitely keep it in mind in the future.
7530254
Maybe she got the 24k gold statue.
7530242 7530254
My interpretation (though Panda says this isn't how she meant it) was that Venus didn't want to lose his girlfriend, so Luna arranged for his girlfriend to be recruited into the Solar Guard. This would mean that Venus would lose his girlfriend by not joining the military, and only keep her by joining.
Also, if you've seen Game of Thrones, the Night Watch is made up almost entirely of ex-criminals, so Venus's girlfriend having a record need not be a problem.
*facepalm* One day... one day I will find a story that takes this concept seriously and explores it in-depth. That day is not today.
Aww, I enjoyed it.
Vs struggle against it was rational, why he didn't want to join, and those terms.. I see why he wouldn't take them seriously. Now his marefriend and he can be together and train similarly.
I see no reason why Luna wouldn't be able to get a voice in with her sister about V's girlfriend joining the guard, if she trained hard enough.
It's a small piece, a bit fluffy.
Well, all I can advise about this is... I guess, more emotional description in it. When V ranted to the Princess, it just, didn't seem very emotional to me.
But I really liked the story.
I thought this would be more of a comedy then what it was. Still, it was good.
I feel like this is a heavy contradiction of what it set out to accomplish.
You recently put this in the "I just want a comment" group but you seem to have comments befitting a story of this caliber. But sure, I'll tear this a new one.
First off, your usage of the term "batpony". This might just be a personal opinion, but I can't say I like it. Threshals is the more commonly accepted term.
Secondly, the introductory line makes no sense. Why would we believe the pub is not normally a place of laughter and merriment?
Third, you don't do a good job of introducing us to our characters in the first few paragraphs. The joke wasn't delivered in a way that was funny at all yet you have the nameless blobs (I say that because you didn't bother to describe them) laughing like it's the greatest thing. This gives me the impression that they are not likable people.
You seem to have an issue with stating things without explaining them. The characters, the place and now the guards busting in and everyone running away like the villain just showed up. In fact, I believe I am reading a hint of your distaste towards authority figures in the story.
If I wasn't doing this for the group, I'd stop here, dislike and be on my way, but I will finish the job.
It's every line I read I have to come down here to comment on something. Why does Venus Joy dislike the Royal Guard? Why does he dislike Princess Luna? Also "Dragging his hooves behind him makes it seems like he's literally dragging his back hooves while walking with his forehooves. You don't "Drag your feet behind you" you just "drag your feet".
The guard is suddenly ugly now?
Also, the way that Venus is acting makes him come off like a spoiled teenager. Angry at the world for some reason. Or maybe you, the author, had a rough time with the military or something because I am feeling that throughout this entire story.
Also, this isn't a recruitment, this is a draft or conscription. In a medieval society, this would be accepted as normal with no issue.
Ok, I can't.
I got to the part with "idiot buttface" and I just can't. If you were a child, I'd pretend to finish reading, pat you on the head and say "This is very good!" before I try to purge my mind of this with a chapter from Twilight. Sadly for you, you are not a child so you get my full brunt.
This entire story is a garbled mess of nonsense that just sinks of you wanting to strut your Gary Sue around and get praised for it. Your sentence structure is terrible, you are unable to craft a scene properly, your plot is nonsensical, your characters are both flat and dull, everything seems to come out from nowhere with no rhyme or reason to them and worst of all, at no point in time do you actually give a reason for us to support the protagonist, nor do you actually portray the military correctly in the slightest.
I leave this comment, my dislike, and a request that you just stop writing.
So, everybrony else seems to have sufficiently pointed out the flaws - a little more establishment of character for V would be nice, and I personally don't find it likely that Celestia would try to exterminate a whole tribe (that is their word, not 'race', minor point). So I'll just say: when I heard that thestrals are an endangered species in your story, I was expecting to hear a joke that went something like 'I'm already being pressured into having foals, I don't need this, too!'
7531583 Okay, let me pick this apart for you, since you seemed to want to do this for my story.
Maybe if you had bothered to actually look in your feed, you would've seen that I did not add my story to that group. I didn't add my story to any of those groups, actually.
Just by looking at the groups on the sidebar... I'd say "bat pony" is more common on here. But, as you say, personal opinion.
The indication was that the pub didn't really attract many ponies normally (I mean, it's on the very outside of the city), and that the group of ponies there was large and happy enough to make it lively despite the fact that there was nopony else there. It also explains the lack of other customers.
Normally I'd accept criticism like yours, but once you start delivering me personal insults like that, I'm done. There's absolutely nothing okay about telling someone they should write again.
Oh, and since you're so keen on making assumptions about my life, I'll tell you I am actually a "child", as you repeatedly stated I was not. I'm under 18, which is the legal definition for child where I am.
So I apologize for forcing you to read my story and forcing you to waste your time leaving a long comment, but I am absolutely not going to take your advice and never write again just because I wrote one bad story.
Have a nice day. I hope you find a story that you actually like.
7531583
there's more Bat pony groups then Thestral groups. Also * Thestral
if she stopped writing stories like this wouldn't exist, and either the best of authors have bad stories and for someone who had been banned for over a year I believe that its a very good first story on her return.
7532561
So does this mean you've actually read the story now? Because it is pretty bad.
Honestly, my only complaint is Luna willingly putting an entire race, for all intents, on the front lines as soldiers when they already have such a low count in general.
After all she did according to V, it's literally an insult to them and a sign of no remorse on her part, even more so that her reasoning is so hollow it makes Big Ben sound like a solid adamantium cube when struck.
The fact that he so easily switched gears makes no sense with all this laid out.
Also, look up Pyrippus, it's greek-roman and fits far better as a name when used as Pyrippus or Pyrippian for singular, then Thestral or Bat-pony given the use of Pegasus and Unicorn in the show proper.
Edit for spelling error, apologies, typing on a phone.
So he joined for a girlfriend? why not
7530242 panda -nonsensical
You got a smile out of me.
Funny!