Sa dude, what's up? Nothin? same. I got some writing, I think. Not professional, just like doing it. Anyway, see ya. Cheers.
the industrialist, is a creature of unknown origin, and no one really knows his face, or would even think he's a biped. The creature, is of an ancient race, that is of pre-human birth, and is of currently still alive.
This race is as intelligent as they get.
The human, Austen, was picked up in a near-death experience, and was brought along with some bionic replacements.
Oh, and don't forget the Cult.
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Just based off the description I would recommend finding an editor.
7421314 Sorry I made the desc in the morning, and didn't really think it through much... sorry.
I'll make my comment for the two first chapters here. (And warning : long comment is long)
I can't really judge the story right now, it's not bad there just isn't enough content in these two chapters for that.
I won't talk about grammar either as I'm not a native english and I probably will make grammatical mistake in this comment.
But I did notice some problems.
In the first chapter, there was a lot of information given really quickly and with many unnecessary details, even more with a story in the first person, it would have been better do it a little slower and focus more on characterization. Because in the end, I learn a lot about lots of things but I still don't get the character. It's better on the second chapter though, so maybe it's just that the character of the first chapter is very thorough and think that way, but it would be really difficult to maintain throughout the story.
Doing several characters in the first person can be confusing too, if you want to continue like this, think about giving an indication to the reader about who is speaking at the beginning of the chapter or in the title.
Try to avoid things like that. If you want us to know things you can't tell us through narration, have the character find out later by other means.
The rest are only little mistakes that can be easily fixed.
Maybe it's just me but I didn't understand that last sentence.
Didn't you already said that just above ?
So... you discover an alien being and that's your first reaction... Why ?
Sorry if I've been a little harsh. The premise is not bad and it can be a good story if you know what to do with it.
Good luck with that, I look forward to the rest of the story.
I expected a chapter where they would talk in the train before that, especially as they seem to have talked before this chapter. If not, how do Indy knows Austen's name ?
And I just noticed it but you seem to have trouble with capital letters. they seem to be missing most of the time.
Also,
Very classy...
7421630 he knows his name because he can use a neural implant in his brain to read what people are thinking and only certain things about them by reading electric information in the neural stuff.
Believe me, it's more complicated if you thi nm about it.
Also, thanks for the criticism, it really does help!
7421630 hey there the chapters are being edited.
Go aheat and check the new edited and fixed chapter one.
Hava good read and night!
Sorry for the delay but here I am.
First thing, the story feels really rushed, it was beginning to feel that way last chapter but that wasn't too bad, but here, we've got the meting with Twilight, the princesses, a passage in Ponyville and in Canterlot, all in less than 2000 words.
And we've got at the same time things that happen just for the sake of the story, without logical explanation, like why are they going in the library in particular ? If it was me, I would have gone to the town hall before trying anything else.
And this :
It already feel rushed but with that, it's even worse... Things have happened during these four and a half hours, tell us about them as they happen rather than doing it in 2 lines later.
Another problem is Austen. For the last two chapter, he is accepting all of that way too easily ! I don't ask for an existential crisis, but at least have him express a little doubt about what he see and tell us why he accept it...
And finally, Austen was feeling more like a side character on this chapter... A shame for one of the main character.
Other than that, I really don't know what to say... I have seen some things that could have been a used to develop your world and the context of the story but they were mostly ignored so the chapter feel empty even though lot of things happened, so I can't say much about the story...
It's your first story so it's normal that it's not perfect, it will get better with experience.
I feel embarrassed to know i wrote this.