The motive to make this short story is to try to make a day of a unknown pony's life important in few words. Also, this is my first attempt to write here.
Chapters (1)
DONFer17
Joined 20th May, 2012 ·
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Hey guys, tell me what you think. I appreciate all comments. Also, If there are grammar mistakes, please tell me, English is not my first language.
I just had to comment on this as soon as I saw his name.
I suppose you can see why
Some corrections:
"Good Morning Green Hoof!", (Add a comma here) said the mint green [...]
shines below some leafs -> The plural of "leaf" is "leaves".
Not many ponies are attracted to his cutie mark -> Attracted? I don't like that verb. Also, replace "cutie mark" with "it", so that you remove the repetition.
"but she does not tell me her's, sigh" -> Replace with "hers".
"Hi Green hoof, I couldn't help but noticed your excitement there." -> Replace with "notice".
"under a gem filled rock" -> Replace with "gem-filled"
"Its that noticeable huh?" -> OMG. Replace with "Is it that noticeable, huh?"
You mean that she is one of them???" -> Cheesy. Use just one, or replace it with "?!"
"Green hoof says and quickly walks in his house. He closes his door, and slowly walks to his room." -> Since you use "walk" twice, why don't you replace "quickly walks" with "runs", or "trots"?
"she is to famous" -> Replace wih "too".
The story's not bad. Work on it more, delve deeper into the feelings. Don't just write what they do, add more details. And why he just gave up all the hopes, all of a sudden? We need a motivation.
GAAAAH! Pony maker image! My eyes! They burn! JK the story is ok, but some grammar and spelling fixes wouldn't hurt. But seriously, replace the picture.
784115 Hey mister, Mister, um I know a pony with a similar name to yours, but instead of hooves its hoof. Maybe trolestia had to do something about this.
784417 I'll get right on that.... hmm dat Cherille face.
784440 Is the anatomy? Color? What is wrong with the picture?
785148Well, it's not completely horrible, but...I'm just warning you. Having a pony-maker image as a cover image will attract rate bombers to your story like moths to a fire. Also, that tail doesn't go with that hairstyle AT ALL. if you pay attention to the ponies in MLP:FiM, the colors are very specific. They don't have any dark colors. The only person who actuall has a dark-ish color is Nightmare Moon. Twilight may have a dark purple hair, but her body is still a light violet. Your pony's color is a bit too dark for it to fit into the light optimistic background. Just saying.
789103 Guess my OC is also to dark?
789155You mean your avatar? Well...hmm...the hair is a bit off, but I think the body color is ok. It looks pastel-colored enough. How to make a pony's colors look good is a very hard thing to do. I believe your body color is good, but your OC's hair needs a certain degree of fixing.