One day, a small filly by the name of Pink Sunshine falls into the underground. She eventually falls into the hands of Sans, a laid-back Skeleton who likes to make bad puns. Through their adventures, they'll Fight Flowey, explore hotland, buy Spider treats, and overall have a good time.
Or maybe not.
Undertale/MLP Crossover. It also contains MASSIVE Spoilers for Undertale, and I don't own any Undertale characters. It takes place after the yellow human falls and before Frisk. And the cover art was done by me.
Chapters (3)
Oh no. Oooooh no. Hoh boy, hate to break it to you but this is not great, to put it lightly. But hey, no critisism like constructive criticism, so let's get constructing.
This character description is lazy. Like really lazy. It's like you just copied from a character reference sheet. Like instaid of just saying
say
See? Instant drama, and the reader now knows how the character looks. Im not saying you have to write like this, but rather suggesting what you could do instaid of just copy-pasting the character reference sheet. You are writing a story, not a Farmers Only profile. Also half of the information you dump onto the readers here is not relevant at this time. For instance instaid of telling us that she likes to sing, have the readers find that out naturally over the course of the story.
In his defence, I'd be pretty depressed too if my wife dyed her hair neon green.
Man, not to make light of child abuse, but this is probably the least depressing way I've seen it described. It sounds like a mild annoyance here, the way you are describing it here.
Hoping for death? That's pretty edgy for what I can only assume is an 8 year old from the description I've been given.
It's more likely that she would have just fallen into it accidentally. Those snow caves are a natural phenomena, and I've seen hiker friends of mine fall into them (thankfully coming out mostly unharmed). You can't see 'em untill it's too late. Those things can be quite deadly.
Because falling down a giant chasm at presumably terminal velocity, and then landing on a bed of flowers that would not break you fall whatsoever only elicits a small "Ouch".
And that was the entirety of the prolouge. You could do better than this. Your spelling is fine, and you obviously can write, but this prologue is just lazy. You could do better. I believe in you.
PS.if anyone else in here has a a Farmers Only profile you can contact me at "studrancher6273"
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Damn! I did not notice that when writing. Also, what do you against green hair? HUH?! Nah, just kidding. If you haven't noticed I don't have a proofreader.
I did feel like I had written it like more of of an annoyance, but I really had trouble wording it any other way.
Okay, now let's be fair here; I don't think it was THAT deep, plus Frisk had to have fallen down and he was just fine. Plus I've seen many other stories do the exact same thing, so you can't COMPLETELY blame me, although it should've been more than "Ouch!"
Either way, thank you for the criticism. I like to write, but judging by the rating on my stories, I'm not very good at it. I'll take all the help I can get! I'll probably rewrite the prologue now.
Also, did you read the rest of the story, and if so was that okay?
May I suggest Using Grammarly?
Oh wow, holy shit, I forgot this story existed
*pokes story*
can't say it's the greatest, but the concepts you're using are interesting enough for me to want to see where it goes next.
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Sorry, not gonna happen. I've grown to resent Undertale, and never really use this site anymore. Thanks for the feedback, though!