Pink Sunshine tromped through the deep snow of the Frozen north. She is a small pink unicorn, with bright blue eyes and a dark blonde mane. She wears yellow bracelets on her left hoof, and doesn't have her cutie mark yet. She is a crystal pony, because she lives in the crystal empire. Pink Sunshine is a very joyful and imaginative kid, although she has gotten into her fair share of trouble. She loves to eat, but is also very energetic, so she isn't fat. She also has a passion for singing.
"I...I'm so cold..." She muttered as she walked through the thick snow.
After her Mom dyed, her Dad went into a deep depression, and started drinking. He would often abuse Sunshine and yell at her for the dumbest things, and he eventually quit his job, and not getting any money. They where broke. So they're about to loose their house. At this point, Sunshine ha had it. She snuck out and left the empire, into the frozen north. She would either die, or hope to find a new life, maybe adopted by bears or something.
She was hoping for the first thing.
She was wrapped up in a thick scarf and coat, and the sun started to dip under the horizon. It was then that she saw a small cave, hidden in the snow. "M-Maybe I can stay there..." She muttered to herself, through chattering teeth. She then approached the crevice, and squeezed her way in, and didn't find herself on solid ground, but falling. She quickly looked down and screamed as she fell into the abyss.
"AAHHHHHHH" She screamed until... "OF!" She grunted, as she landed on a small flower bed. "Ouch..." She mumbled. She then stood up and found herself in a giant chasm. "W-Where am I?" She thought to herself. There was a small looking door on the other side, and so she walked in. "HELLO?!" She yelled into the abyss.
"Why, howdy!" She heard from the other side.
"Why don'tcha come over here?" The voice asked.
She then nodded, and walked to the other side, and found a small yellow flower. "Aww, what a pretty little flower!" She said, before reaching her hoof out.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" The flower exclaimed, growing a face.
"AHH!" Sunshine screamed, jumping back. "W-Whu-how?"
"Howdy!" The flower exclaimed, "I'm Flowey! Flowey the flower!"
"Y-You're a talking...flower?" She asked.
"Yes...and you're not like any human I've ever seen!"
"Am I dead?"
"Now now...I don't think so!" The Flowey exclaimed, giving a wink. "Here, let me show you how things work around here!" Flowey exclaimed. "Here in the underground, we share love through little white friendliness pellets!" He said, giving a sly wink, and having bullets appear over his head.
"W-Wait...what's going on?"
"Now, go ahead, catch as many as you can!"
"Wait! I-" She couldn't finish before jumping out of the way of the bullets.
"Oh...clever girl!" Flowey yelled thickly, putting on an evil expression. "You've already done this, haven't you?! In this world, it's KILL OF BE KILLED! I've never used a Pony soul before! I wonder what that's like?" He exclaimed, before boxing her in with bullets.
"DIE!"
The bullets then started closing in. "Wait...what's going on?" She exclaimed. It was then, that a fireball came out of nowhere and knocked Flowey into oblivion.
"What a miserable creature..." a voice said, and then coming from the blackness was Troiel. "Torturing such a poor, innocent youth..."
"W-What's going on? Where am I?" Sunshine asked, completely flabbergasted.
"Hmm...you don't seem like any Human I've ever seen...are you from the surface?!" She asked.
"I...I'm from Equestria."
"Equestria..." Toriel then tapped her chin. "I don't think I've ever heard of a place like that." She said, thinly. The then put her attention to Sunshine, and smiled thinly. "You're in the underground! You'll be very happy here."
"U-Underground?"
"Yes. Here, fellow me." Toriel then lead Sunshine through a door and into a room with a huge ruin looming over the two. "These are the ruins, we will be staying here."
"W-We?" Sunshine asked. She was very confused.
"Here, allow me to explain. If a human, er, pony, in your case, falls down here, they must have a powerful soul and cross the barrier and escape, or stay down here forever."
"Would I be able to?" Sunshine asked, raising an eyebrow.
Toriel then tapped her chin again, "I'm not sure, small one, I don't know what a pony soul is like, or even how you fell down in the first place."
"Wait, forever?" Sunshine asked. She then thought on that. "I-I come from a very bad place. My father used to beat me and drink after my mother died..." She said, with a wimper.
Toriel then put her hands over her mouth, "Oh my god! Well that's absolutely awful!" Toriel exclaimed in disgust. "No"Here, follow me, I have a wonderful home for you to live in." She said. Sunshine then followed her into the ruins.
"This place is cool!" Sunshine exclaimed, looking around.
"Yes, these are the runs, let me show how how it works." There was a series of buttons on the floor, and she stepped on them in a spacific pattern, and flipped a switch, causing a door to open.
"Wow!" Sunshine exclaimed. She then followed Toriel out of the room.
Oh no. Oooooh no. Hoh boy, hate to break it to you but this is not great, to put it lightly. But hey, no critisism like constructive criticism, so let's get constructing.
This character description is lazy. Like really lazy. It's like you just copied from a character reference sheet. Like instaid of just saying
say
See? Instant drama, and the reader now knows how the character looks. Im not saying you have to write like this, but rather suggesting what you could do instaid of just copy-pasting the character reference sheet. You are writing a story, not a Farmers Only profile. Also half of the information you dump onto the readers here is not relevant at this time. For instance instaid of telling us that she likes to sing, have the readers find that out naturally over the course of the story.
In his defence, I'd be pretty depressed too if my wife dyed her hair neon green.
Man, not to make light of child abuse, but this is probably the least depressing way I've seen it described. It sounds like a mild annoyance here, the way you are describing it here.
Hoping for death? That's pretty edgy for what I can only assume is an 8 year old from the description I've been given.
It's more likely that she would have just fallen into it accidentally. Those snow caves are a natural phenomena, and I've seen hiker friends of mine fall into them (thankfully coming out mostly unharmed). You can't see 'em untill it's too late. Those things can be quite deadly.
Because falling down a giant chasm at presumably terminal velocity, and then landing on a bed of flowers that would not break you fall whatsoever only elicits a small "Ouch".
And that was the entirety of the prolouge. You could do better than this. Your spelling is fine, and you obviously can write, but this prologue is just lazy. You could do better. I believe in you.
PS.if anyone else in here has a a Farmers Only profile you can contact me at "studrancher6273"