A Deal to Die For
Applejack looked into the storefront window and sighed. Granny was getting so old now, it'd be foalish not to prepare. Even with that spring in her step, she could pass away any year. The mare took a deep breath and trotted inside.
A bell tinkled overhead. "Coming!" called a perky stallion's voice.
Now where have I heard that voice before, wondered Applejack?
She turned to examine one of the caskets: a fancy-looking polished walnut coffin with bedding that looked softer than anything she'd ever sat on in her life. "Like a skeleton needs a mattress," she scoffed.
"Well, some ponies only want the best for their loved ones," chided that familiar voice, now standing right beside her. Applejack turned and snorted.
"Flam!" she said, as Flam stepped back a pace.
"Applejack! So nice to see you," said Flim, emerging from the back room.
Applejack glared at the brothers. "Of all the lowdown, dishonest career choices—fleecing families in a time of grief takes some nerve, even for the two of you!"
"My word, Applejack! We're not 'fleecing' anypony," said Flam, raising a hoof. "Unless a sheep has made such a bequest, of course."
"That's right," said Flim, flanking her. "We are but humble businessponies, offering comfort to loved ones in need."
"Like wet horse apples you are," spat Applejack, and both brothers blushed. "Pardon my fancy. No, on second thought, don't."
"Now Applejack, don't judge us until you've examined the quality of our merchandise," said Flim. "Our caskets are on the expensive side, but they're worth every bit."
"See here," said Flam, opening a nearby casket. "Solid mahogany, lined with the finest silk."
Applejack turned around, and both brothers ducked. She gently bucked the side of the casket, echoing a pleasant knock.
"Huh. That there's some solid craftsponyship," she said. "Where's the catch?"
"No catch!" promised Flim, with a grin. "We can make a killing these days with the population boom."
"Our supplier does all the work. We control the shipping, and mark up prices accordingly," said Flam.
"How much?" asked Applejack.
"That one is fifty-thousand," said Flim, smiling wide.
"Fifty-thousand bits?" gasped Applejack, her jaw slack. "You're pullin' Kicks McGee!"
"Well, it's like we said. Some ponies only want the best for their loved ones," said Flam, gently placing a leg around Applejack's withers.
Applejack bucked the leg off her back. "When Granny kicks the bucket someday, her corpse ain't gonna feel nothin'. I just need somethin' solid that'll decompose nice, so she can feed the orchard like she wants. We can rent a show casket for the viewin'."
"We do rentals too!" said Flim. "One-thousand for this one, and it's guaranteed to be completely cleaned between showings."
"Hmm. That's a lot of bits, but ain't bad in this market," admitted Applejack. "I can't believe I'm sayin' this, but I'll get back to you."
Flam and Flim beamed with pride.
"And you said this was for... Smith, wasn't that her name?" asked Flim.
"I certainly hope your grandmother hasn't taken ill," said Flam, wearing an exaggerated pout as both brothers held their hats to their chests.
"Granny's just fine," said Applejack. "I'm only plannin' ahead. If'n we're lucky, she might even hold out another couple decades. Longevity's an Apple trait, y'know."
"Ah. Well, you are so thoughtful to plan for her," said Flam, flatly.
Flim's eyes lit up. "Oh! Wait just a moment!" he said. Dashing into the back room, he promptly returned with a wrapped present. "A gift for your grandmother," he offered, floating it over to Applejack with a respectful nod.
Applejack plucked the gift from the air and began tearing through the paper.
"Don't you want it to be a surprise for your dear granny?" Flam said, nervously.
"Nnope," said Applejack. Inside the box was an unlabeled glass jar filled with what looked like peanut butter.
"Luxury-quality peanut spread," said Flim, wearing a plastic grin. "For a mare with a sweet tooth."
Applejack unscrewed the lid, tapped her hoof into the confectionery, and licked. Her eyes narrowed and she growled like a timber wolf.
Flim and Flam backed up as Applejack stomped forward. "N-not a fan?" asked Flam.
"We have other—" began Flim.
"This spread's got hazelnuts. Granny's deathly allergic," said Applejack.
Flim gasped and held his hooves to his face. "Oh my goodness! Why, we had no idea!" he said.
"She listed her allergies when you peddled her that 'miracle tonic' last year!" snarled Applejack.
"Oops?" whimpered Flam.
Flam lit his horn, illuminating the cramped space that he and his brother now occupied.
"We'll be fine, brother. It's not like she can prove it was intentional," said Flam.
"Yes, but—you don't suppose she would leave us nailed in here forever, do you?" asked Flim.
"I doubt it," said Flam, sounding wholly uncertain.
"Either way, a customer is bound to walk in and discover us soon," reassured Flim.
"Although, the caskets are nearly soundproof," noted Flam.
"But it's a good thing they're so soft inside, isn't it!" said Flim.
Flam squirmed in place. "Oh dear. Perhaps we should have washed out the maggots from the previous rental."
Out on the abandoned showroom floor, if you listened very closely, you could almost hear the cries for help.
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These are some clever chapter names!
Flim and Flam essentially just signed their death warrant.
All they have to do, right now, is wait for five to ten business days for Applejack to follow up with it, and send them six feet under
I'll have to read this, though the title of this reminded me of Mel Brooks.
You know, I'm fairly certain that wherever she is, Celestia is going to look at the newspaper to see about her funeral. Imagine her shock when she sees the picture of what her sister did right below the headline.
The third story flows better now, nice work there. I liked the other two stories quite a lot during the last round and I think t improvements were quite nice (except for the removal of the word ass. The contrast in what was a formal eulogy was funny IMHO, but this one works too).
Thumbs up.
The first I didn't really like because I am too fond of Trixie, the third I didn't like because I find the idea of Flim and Flam outright murdering Ponies to drum up funeral business a bit of a stretch, but the second one is glorious.
What is this....i mean it's good but why?
7059821
It's not the volts, technically. It's the amps. Volts matter because flesh has electrical resistance, so if you don't have enough voltage a shock won't be able to affect you. High voltage is dangerous because it generally comes with high amperage, which will kill you when the volts overcome your body's resistance.
derpicdn.net/img/2012/10/15/123636/full.png
7059831
Pinkie can get emotional easily in FiM. She's happy-go-lucky, but high-strung.
That got dark. Did Applejack just kill them?!
7060201
Probably not, no. I would expect her to come back and let them out after she's scared the Tartarus out of them. But they did practically commit attempted murder, so I can't say as I blame her.
7060270
You may change my mind. Stating the superiority of my contest entries makes for a persuasive argument.
But in that case we should probably up short stories to 1,800 minimum. Ponies are already submitting padded minifics to that round, and they should really be Actual Stories.
7060244 Ah, ok. Thanks!
7060247 That works for me. It still sort of counts as a paradox in my book, but my mind hasn't quite grasped the concept yet. I need to stop thinking about it; that will do the trick.
7060369
It's an ontological paradox: the duration of the loop has no source, similar to what happened in Twilight Time. It's temporally consistent, though.
It's like in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure how Rufus never introduces himself to the boys. We don't even know if it's actually his name, apart from him not correcting them.
7060574
Actually, it is a causal loop. She cast a spell to take her to her own funeral, and that's how she died. Events occurring after her death were its cause.
7060446 Either way, you've just ended a universe.
I hope you're proud of yourself
7060446 I haven't read that, but I see what you're saying. I just really, really don't like those paradoxes; they kind of drive me crazy. Stable or not, it shouldn't exist, and if it didn't break the universe, it's going to break someone's mind. I've said for a while now that time travel is never a good idea, because of these paradoxes if nothing else. I liked the chapter all the same, but I try to avoid time travel for this very reason. Curl or loop or whatever you want to call it, even if it's not causing a rift in spacetime, even if it makes sense, it's frustrating.
Are the caskets magic-proof, too?
Man, this was a trip. The Trixie story is still driving me crazy, the Celestia one I want to illustrate (but I think that would take away from that beautiful eulogy Luna gave) and this one had great timing---including the missing scene where Applejack goes whoop-ass, which is much funnier when left to the imagination. Kudos!
7059838
I've been hit with 50,000 volts a time or two, and I'm still around.
So, question; were these the only stories in that contest, or were there others?
7061546
You can click on the link to The Writeoff Association (in the story description) to learn more.
There were 65 stories for this competition and mine finished 5th, 9th, and 25th, respectively.
I'm not sure the third story works quite as well as the first two.
But these first two need to be enshrined in the annals somewhere, because they actually had me laughing out loud while copypasting bits into a conversation.
Are you going to do more fics like this?
7063529
Maybe! I do have one other Comedy already up on Fimfiction.
7063532
I meant like death humor and such, the same theme
7063537
That's a very specific genre, so I don't have anything planned, no.
You might want to check out the other Writeoff entries for this particular prompt, I suppose, though there were more Dramas than Comedies.
"We can make a killing these days with the population boom"
I know I shouldn't have laughed but that was too clever.
I absolutely LOVED the way AJ was portrayed in this story; sticking to her honest roots and worrying only about the good of her family (that bit with the hazelnuts was spot on). The ending actually wasn't that dark for me, I kinda expected them to get what they deserved especially in that moment,
7059838 Well that's a en-lightning piece of intel, it's rather shocking how little many people actually know about electrocution, then again how to die isn't a topic people get a charge out of...
Well at least King Yemma would approve of the quality
"Peddled".
7064705
Wow, that was an obvious oversight. Thank you!
7064721
No worries. I've been greatly entertained by trying to figure out what combination of bicycles and miracle tonic might make your version correct.
7063529 Is it weird that I was looking through the comments just to see if you'd show up?
7064921
No
(evil grin)
This is like Stan in Monkey Island XD Ahaha, wonderful!
7057884 I dunno. The Apple family are not known for their average work so my best bet is eight or ten feet.
I wonder where they will go? 
Oh how irony works, almost feels like I was watching an episode of the Twilight Zone. It was a great read all the way through, keep up the great work.
refugeeresettlementwatch.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/tuxedo-obama-laughing-afp-640x480.jpg
These were freakin hilarious. Especially that second one...god, Celestia with a flag pole up her butt--I can't, I can't...
memesvault.com/wp-content/uploads/Laughing-Animated-Gif-15.gif
7072070 Okay, hours of searching and no luck on my end. But as a consolation here's a cute comic.
pre09.deviantart.net/075a/th/pre/i/2012/294/4/f/comic___twilight__s_first_day__1_by_muffinshire-d5ih6hc.png
Now if you do find it let me know because I did find that funny. It starts off with Twilight asking Celestia why so many think she's a god, I won't ruin it but I do recall how it went. Sorry I couldn't find it.
7066119
Oh no, now I have his ridiculously catchy theme stuck in my head!
Dead and Loving It has been generously read by CaptainBron3y on YouTube. (This happened a while back and I forgot to post a note here.)
The chapter names are missing, but all three stories are there:
Dying for Attention
Celestia's Vacation
A Deal to Die For
Thanks!
Shoulda ended with the second one, this one's less funny and more dark. :B
7763205
I know the third one is the weakest of the three, but I'm not sure I agree it should be deleted just because it isn't as good. I've been getting that feedback forever and I'm not sure what to make of it.
7763406
Not deleted, just shifted around. :B Sorry, didn't mean to suggest that!
7763656
Yeah, but I fear if I put this one up front, a lot more readers wouldn't bother on to the next story. So I went 2, 1, 3, as it were. I didn't expect anypony would expect I'd top Sunbutt. That's pretty much as hilarious as it gets.
It's kind of like The Simpsons: never end the episode on a good joke.
I dunno, it was a hard decision. I probably should have just been a better author.
7763663
It's still funny, you merely outdid it with its predecessors. :B
PresentPerfect has reviewed this story collection over here.