It ain't about the war as it is about several centuries after the war.
Chapters (7)
- Member Since 18th Feb, 2016
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
Blackdust
New to writing, but really wanna try and get things out. Oh, and if you follow me, I'll follow you back. Something I got in the habit of doing back on Twitter.
Blackdust
Joined 18th Feb, 2016 ·
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Somewhat vague and hard to understand and the story goes from 0 to 100 in a second.
7047065 Sorry... Can you help me make it better...? Or know somepony that can...
You really put your soul into yours. I love the way you made Princess Luna's language all old sounding. This story has the potential to become something rather awesome! Or at least I think so. I'll try my best to help in any way I can, but I might miss some things as I'm a newbie too. But one helpful thought. What does Jonathan look like? Is he tall? Is he short? What is he wearing? Any magic accessorizes? Unusual features? Telling about things like that could help speed along the story, while feeding the reader added depth to the character. (By the way, I have no idea why some people dislike A Thousand Years. If they think there is a problem, I wish they would say so.)
7048696 I agree and I tried to do the best I could to make it line up with the show as possible. And thank you!
7048711 No problem!
7048870 If you are willing to do a rewrite, you could have it start with a vision or dream of the younger Jonathan kneeling beside a dying family member, guardian, old friend, you choose. Then have them explain to him about the marks and such, so the reader will learn about it in a way that captures their interest. There is a chance to do some world building here. Mention the ruins near the house, the ancient railroad, the depot. Maybe instead of having a pit randomly open beneath him, have the dying person give him a magical item, but refuses to explain why. Only have them tell Jonathan to do some sort of ritual, you choose, and leave it there. Then have older Jonathan walking around the forest, thinking about the recent attack of the things, and how the railroad just stopped. Have him wonder about one or two of the mentioned legends. Here is your chance to tell us what he looks like. Then suddenly the item glows and opens the pit. Jonathan falls into it. The rest will fall perfectly into that. But this is just an idea I came up with while vacuuming my room. Do with it as you choose.
7049056 That sounds awesome! Um... Would you like to take over...? I'm great with the ideas but terrible with the execution... I'd like to see how it would look like that... Plus I'd like to keep writing on the line I have planned...
7049267 Sure! I'd love too. The idea has been continually growing in my mind. I'm cool with it as long as you are cool with it. I'll still ask you questions, as this was your amazing idea to begin with. But, I have been wanting to ask, is it okay if I put in my own human OC? I have a small idea how she and Jonathan meet.
7050144 Sure thing! I wanted others to get involved in the story before. I've always hated doing things alone, and that applies to my writing as well!
Heavy editing, I'm a rookie, but I will tell you that if you're going to explain to what episode re you refering, please explain it as a memory instead of braking the pace and take us out of the immersion.
Example: Twilight was remembering the machines she used to analyze her friend Pinkie Pie when she tried to understand the "Pinkie Sense".
Also you can slow down the pace by giving us an analysis of how is the environment, explaining us how are the protagonist's feelings, what is he thinking at the moment or the princesses, stuff like that.
Also, you don't need an extra page to explain things to us, you can use the story for that (explain slowly, piece by piece so it doesn't become an exposition wall of text) or, if you think is possible, do not explain, there are certain things that doesn't need an explanation,
I hope this helps you out, if you need more help PM me.
There are many typos and grammar mistakes, but since it's your first story, good job!
If you have no time to edit, Grammarly would be something to look at. Just remember that it is not perfect and the best option is to find a proofreader.
This story seems to be very interesting and similar to the Shadowhunters, with the runes and everything. Again, good job!
7055588 I pull from a wide variety of books and shows that I watch and read...
7055540 :( You hit all the points of why I don't do writing...
7056457
It is understandable of feeling bad, but you can only improve by writing, my story wasn't that good when I started and it was after being told which were the main problems with my story is that I managed to make it look more decent, you have a good idea, but you also must keep writing and edit the mistakes you make to improve and become a better writer.
And I really hope you improve and continue this, because I like the idea behind this story.
7056653 Aye. I get that, but I hate editing... I never go back to check my answers because then I start to doubt myself and get more answers wrong than right because I'll switch the answers that are right and wrong.
7056662
Understandable, you can either search for an editor or try to edit by yourself to overcome your own limitations, either way, you must surpass yourself if you want to improve.
7056684 A'ight.
The first thing I want to say, is that the dialogue is excellent. That, and this is very good considering you're a new writer.
However, I spotted a few mistakes as well, that you could definitely fix.
The first is that there's no intro.
Who is this guy, why should I care about him, and what is he doing in a field of ancient ruins? He could be an archaeologist, a grave robber or an adventurer. However, later in the story, we find out that the guy is a 'Nightrunner', so that's interesting. Does he have a tribe, and did the tribe send him to the ruins to get more runes?
The second thing that I noticed, was that he was a bit too chill, as he was falling a hundred feet down a hole.
Same with the princesses; they were too calm. (I would actually be suspicious of them). Think about how you or a friend would react, and apply it to your characters. Sometimes, I have to do that too.
For the third thing, what makes your story different from the others? I believe it would be the runes and the magical humans. Are they a tribe? I want to know more about them. Maybe, you could write about them in the intro.
The last tip is that you shouldn't add too many OCs. Otherwise, it will start to get confusing. For me, three is the maximum... however, you should do what you feel is right. This is because it's your story... and nobody can write your story better than you.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but these are some of the things that I've learned as well. I hope you continue to write.
7057002 It's fine! I don't mind the criticism, and I wanted Johnathan to seem calm about the whole thing. Hell, I know I'd be happier than a gopher in winter with a day that melts the snow enough for me to feast!
7049267
I know how that feels