Not all of Equestria's once vanquished enemies are so easily defeated, nor were they all set on a single goal of domination or theft. Very few were both willing and capable of simply destruction.
One oddly named unicorn long since banished in the age of darkness returns. Quickly proving to be far more than just a hoof full, he spreads his influence like a plague throughout Equestria. But beware he may just prove to be as deadly as he is annoying.
[Sorry, cancelled due to lack of interest and canon events. I might remake it though.]
Chapters (4)
LOL Woona!
7124838
lol FINALLY someone comments XD
Yes. Woona, I was toying with the idea of him splitting her in to dozens of woonas instead of just regressing her in age XD but no... one woona is good enough ^w^
Okay, I'll be blunt... This chapter needs work. A lot of it. There were a lot of examples of typos and incorrect structuring of speech (it must always begin with a capital!) Also, your use of commas is lacking. There were many examples where they were absolutely necessary but were no where to be found.
It was hard to get into the fic as well. I felt absolutely no connection to the bratty unicorn and honestly, if I'd been reading casually, I'd have given up right there at the start. I came in to read about some crazy old villain, but the opening made it feel like I had clicked the wrong fic's link. It would have frankly been much better to just summarise the entire arguament scene at the start in a few sentences later on, because it really felt like it added nothing.
One minor issue, no one ever saw a key when they were looking for artefacts? The fact that they were obvious enough for the unicorn to just stumble across seems a little weird.
Nis seemed... A little weird. For a being the same age as Celestia and Luna, he was oddly... Modern in his speech. Having him at least speaking in a more dignified manner would've made his age easier to believe. But I must say, I'm intrigued as to what mouthwash ponies used 1,000 years ago... Also, seriously? Turning her to gold doesn't really work when it's a well known myth/fable.
Frankly, Nis needs a lot of work. He's a cool idea, but when I could hardly make sense of what he was saying he seems pretty bland. Sorry to say it. But as I said, there is a ton of potential.
7154850 lol well thank ya ^_^
Honestly Nis is MUCH older than that... notice the "alternate universe tag"?
though yeah, I know I have terrible grammar skills, still working on that XD
I have an editor but he is still busy all the time.
There is a few other things revealed in later chapters that answer some of your questions but thank you for going through this for me ^_^
So first impression: You need an editor/proofreader. Don't take offense, most writers need at least one.
Punctuation and formatting is not your specialty. Most of the time I see too many commas, here we have not enough. Also you have double spaces showing up at random.
If she couldn't tell it was a tomb then why describe it as a tomb? You could easily reveal it after opening and then everyone knows it's a tomb.
I think the word you're looking for is handsome.
So we have some promise here. A ruthless villain being uncovered who is totally the Djinn from Wishmaster (horror movie buff, you can't hide the references from me), but the execution is sloppy. I recommend getting an editor or a co-writer to help with this one, because as it stands it needs some help.
Something minor, maybe introduce the characters earlier. You named them almost halfway through the chapter but why not have their names mentioned earlier? Also, I hope that Silver Step's father should at least be mentioned in coming chapters. She seems to think he is important enough to be used as a threat.
I hate to be so critical but the premise is the biggest positive I have. I want to see what this villain can do and I want to see what it takes to stop him (if he can even be stopped).
Solomon Grundy? Guess it's time to call Green Arrow...
7167473 Green arrow? O_o???
And... um... I am not making any references XD
Nis is actually my own character and he does things very specifically in his own way. The closest thing he is to a reference is Satan from Faust.
but yeah I know I have ungodly terrible grammar. And finally.... yeah you will laugh your ass off when you see how they beat him XD
as for the unicorn. I meant to imply she was ummm... one of those people who would go through life only by her looks... not the brightest bulb you know.
0 words?
7444814 Im sorry what?
7444814 OHHHHH I accidentally pressed publish instead of edit XD
They really need to put those two buttons further apart
7444814 well there is a lot more words now XD
Either a demon or a Djinn.
Wait... Nis... oh, you clever bastard.
Nis is Sin. He's a Devilish Wishgranter.