After Vinyl comes out to her mother, Its Octavia's turn. Will her parents be as accepting?
Part 2 of my Vinyl and Octavia trilogy
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 27th May, 2012
- offline last seen Apr 8th, 2016
Bookworm24
i'm a simple brony who enjoys interesting, funny, and heartwarming fimfiction. i watch the show every day and always have a mlp fim song stuck in my head.
Bookworm24
Joined 27th May, 2012 ·
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It's easy and enyoable. Maybe a little frumpy at the moment but i'm looking forward to more and maybe more innovative chapters.
Hoof of approval for this one.
I like the idea but you could have done so much more with them(I really should note I just read it's predecessor). Expanding on the actions each pony does and creating more of a conflict via the dialogue would not only increase the size of the fic but make us, the readers, more likely to sympathize with Vinyl and Octavia and their different conflicts, especially if it was an inter-turmoil issue.
Don't get me wrong, this is a good story and I like it and want to see what happens in your third part. However I would like to see more character depth than 1k words can bring.
This really hit home for me, being gay. I haven't come out to my parents..just wow. Definitely following. I enjoy it.
Five Spikes to you.
GOD DAMNIT TROLLESTIA.
Very sweet story. Now, it says it's incomplete, so is a second chapter gonna come before the third part of the trilogy?
So sweet. There are some minor matters, tense problems, punctuation, grammar. But overall, very sweet. My primary thing is the use of Fillyfooler. It's honestly been a long time since I've seen it used as an insult. Usually it's neutral or positive. Alos, "Coltchaser" is a new one. I've always heard Colt Cuddler.
I like how Vinyl's mom was understanding (what happened to her dad?), and Octavia's parents have a problem with it. It would be so boring if both their parents were all "Oh. you're gay! That's okay! Being a homosexual is nothing to be ashamed of, and we still love you!". I never thought I would say this, but, hooray for homophobes, for making a story interesting! (Note: Frizzy does not actually approve of homophobes. He hates them. Even the one he's related to.)
Aww it's a tuching story I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
wow, just wow, good work I'm eagerly awaiting more.
You have a great talent for story writing my friend
755458 I actually thought of Colt Cuddler but I didn't think it had the same insulting "sting" as Coltchaser. Mostly because I figured most parents cuddle their kids in an affectionate (not sexual) way from time to time, so turning it into an insult just didn't work.
756874
Yea, there is that. I never considered that because I never really tried to view it through the lens o offense.
Because their scared of the new -> Because they're scared of the new (they're is a contraction for "they are", their is possessive denoting ownership)
They're/their/there is just a pet peeve, sorry. I ignore other grammar mistakes, but that one always bugs me.
Other than that, good read so far, if short.
[I can see fillyfooler being very derogatory, I know most use it as a neutral term, but don't forget word origins: "Filly". Fillies are underage mares, after all. It is a double-statement of one neutral aspect and one objectionable one tacked on to make it easier to hate the group, a big problem with the early homosexual movement revolved around a very similar stereotype. Same applies to coltchaser.]
Apart from some techical issues such as your instead of you're, it was an interesting read and I loved the grandpa's encouragement.
Your story has potential, but I definitely see parts that need development to reach your full potential. Mainly grammar issue, but a couple points in story structure. The story is a great start, and by no means bad, but needs some tweaking.
First and foremost, you need work in dialogue punctuation. If you're going to end a spoken sentence with 'she said', you can't have a period before it and make 'she said' a separate sentence. This happened with most of your dialogue. A period means the end of the thought, keep that in mind.
Also, there are a couple cases of run-ons where sentences should be broken up by commas (almost any instance of the words 'and' or 'but' to separate thoughts within a sentence.
Last grammar note, I say 'your' used instead of 'you're' on at least one occasion.
Structurally, you have a great concept, a good setting, but I think the reader needs to bond with Octavia more before her reveal. We don't get much insight to her nervousness or history with keeping this secret from her family. Has she kept this hidden a long time? Has she thought about this or is it spur-of-the-moment? Extrapolate on her fear. Does she fear rejection? Embarrassment? Hatred?
You have a lot of skill that shows in this snippet. With a little work, it can be greater than you imagine.
MORE
NOW
779546 I'm currently writing the next story but. 1) its a long one. 2) i have a lot going on right now. and 3) i also have another story i'm writing.
785854 well keep at it. i dont mind waiting
1. Good story
2. Pan pipe sounds like a rly gay pony name...had to get that out of my head
3. I like the grandpa, he has wisdom
4. Moving on to 3