Post Haste is an Oxymoron
Pinkie bit her lower lip, then shifted her weight from her left hooves to the right ones and back again. Today! It’s positively, absolutely, totally gonna be today! She reached for the mailbox’s door with a trembling hoof.
But what if it’s not? Pinkie’s hoof froze in midair. I thought yesterday was totally gonna be the day, too, but it wasn’t. I mean, it was a day, but not the day, even though I really, really wanted it to be. With a sigh, Pinkie slowly sank back onto her haunches and stared up at the mailbox. What if it’s just boring ol’ bills? Again.
She’d spoken with Twilight about it a few weeks ago, but somehow her friend didn’t seem all that convinced that there was a problem. It seemed pretty clear to Pinkie, though: Her mailbox was definitely cursed. The bills and coupons and stuff always showed up lightning fast, but when you were waiting for something—when it was something you really wanted—time slowed to a crawl.
Pinkie pursed her lips. Lazy time! I’m here waiting every day and it can’t get its act together. It just keeps on moving all super slow like it’s got all the time in the world! Pinkie paused, tapping a hoof against her cheek. Which I guess it does, but it’s still not very nice. But I don’t know time all that well. Maybe it’s just really busy. It probably needs a day planner or something.
Pinkie scooched closer to the mailbox. Okay, maybe I’ll just start slow. Tentatively reaching out, she tapped the metal pole with the tip of her hoof.
The shivers took her immediately. She always got them when something had an air of mystery and intrigue. Now the skin on her back rippled in waves that crested and broke at the base of her tail. Breathing heavily, Pinkie shook her head to clear the shiver fuzz. “Whoa! Strong one!”
Standing, she stretched out the last of the shivers. As strange as they made her feel, she always missed them when they were gone. Their appearance meant that she was doing something adventurous or mysterious or adventerious. It was like a surprise party. So much anticipation! But sometimes surprises went wrong, like when she got mad at her friends for their surprise party. That was the bad part of adventerious days: you just never knew what was going to come out of them. Right now, the mailbox was still closed, and as long as it remained that way, it was totally full of adventeriousness.
She took a deep breath and reached for the door, only to slowly retract her hoof once again. Moving straight to the door seemed like a big, shiver-inducing step. Swallowing hard, she decided to check the tiny rivets along the mailbox’s seams for stress instead. Well, it doesn’t look bulgy, or even bulge-ish. Oh, no! What if it is just bills? Pinkie’s eyes welled up, but she rubbed them vigorously. “No! No thinking like that.” She wiped her eyes hard with the back of a hoof. “It’s gonna be there!”
There was a time when none of this would have been so hard. Pinkie had discovered long ago that what she really wanted was to make ponies happy, and she’d done it in whatever way came naturally at the time. But things were different now. Ponies depended on her. Before, when the smiles maybe weren’t as big as she’d hoped, or the punch wasn’t quite fruity enough, or the balloons didn’t exactly float right and ended up all just laying on the floor, she’d just shrugged. She’d tried, and everypony always said that trying was what really mattered.
But they were coming to her now! She used to throw parties just because they were fun, but now ponies relied on her to make the perfect memories. Now the cake frosting needed to be the creamiest and the music had to be the tail-shakingiest. Somehow, without even realizing it, she’d become important, and it was kinda scary.
When she’d started planning parties all those years ago, she’d never really thought about how much pressure creating the most super-funnerific events anypony had ever seen could be. Each party needed to be uniquely tailored to suit the guest of honor. It had to be creative and memorable, but not so much so that the last pony to get a party thought that they’d gotten less than her best effort, or that the next pony’s expectations would be more than she could handle. The party had to be just right. And uppity mailboxes didn’t help at all.
Pinkie nestled the side of her head up against the mailbox’s cool exterior. Sticking her tongue out of the corner of her mouth, she poured all of her attention into her ears. Well, I don’t hear any— “Ow! Owowow!”
Pinkie leaned away and wrapped her hooves around the quivering pole. She’d been listening so hard that her whole head had been trembling. Picking up the vibration, the mailbox had amplified and returned it, hammering her several times before she could move away. She rubbed her smarting ear and glared at the mailbox. “Hey, you can’t just hit ponies!” she said, venting twin jets of steam from her nostrils. “I guess Twilight was right when she said that mails are just naturally more aggressive. Maybe I need a femail box.”
Squinting, she watched the mailbox for further signs of violence. It appeared calm once more. Maybe too calm. It’s probably gonna pounce! She leapt away, then crouched, ready for action.
Cool and inscrutable, the mailbox bided its time.
Pinkie’s brow furrowed, and she put a hoof to her chin. Huh. Well, maybe I just got too close. Applejack says I’m always invading somepony’s personal space, but I’m pretty sure you can’t invade anything if you don’t bring a flag. Maybe Twilight’s home. She’ll know.
Pinkie took four steps before pulling up short. Turning, she marched right back to the mailbox. “Mind games, huh? Thought you could distract me by bringing up Twilight?” she said, giving it a hard stare. “Well, this pony’s at least three times smarter than any mailbox, or femailbox even, so bring it!” Snarling, she flattened her nose against the small metal door.
The mailbox brought nothing, obviously cowed.
Taking care not to blink, Pinkie took a step backwards. “That’s what I thought! Now listen up, mailbox. I’ve got a party to plan, and I need some cooperation! Rarity’s going to have her fall line featured in Cosmarepolitan, and she’s gonna need the bash to end all bashes to celebrate!” Looking down at her hooves, Pinkie’s expression softened. “I-I’ve been waiting because I need something special. Something nopony has seen before. I really want Rarity to feel like I’m going the extra mile here, but I can’t until you help me out!” Kneeling, Pinkie closed her eyes and folded her hooves together. “So, pretty, pretty please with fudge and mint chocolate chips on top, let today be the day! I’m running out of time! I don't want to postpone because the post didn't pony up! I don't want to be a postpony!”
Cracking an eye open, Pinkie stole a glance at the mailbox. It stood unchanged.
Pinkie sighed and let her hooves fall to her sides with a thump. “Work with me here! You could at least put your little flag up or something.” Pinkie inhaled, filling her lungs, and then blew the air out slowly. Halfway through, she broke out into a fit of giggles as her lips vibrated together. “Okay, Pinkie. You’re just gonna have to do it!”
Clenching her jaw, Pinkie willed her hoof to grasp the mailbox door’s metal tab. She squeezed her eyes closed and pulled.
Silence.
Pinkie forced down the lump in her throat and tried to still her wildly beating heart. The adventeriousness was almost too much to bear. Screwing up her courage, she opened her eyes.
The mailbox was full. Very full.
Pinkie tore through the contents with badly shaking hooves. “Bill… Ad… Coupons... ’Nother bill—EEEEEEK!”
Pinkie leapt into the air, her mane standing on end. “Yesyesyesyesyes!” Squealing, she zoomed around and around the mailbox.
Shindig Soiree’s Super Celebration Selection party supply catalogue had finally arrived, and with it, all the newest, bestest, most funtastic-est stuff for the proclamation and amplification of any celebration! Thousands of pages, just cram-packed with the cutting edge of get-together gadgets and fiesta favorites. Leafing rapidly through the pages, ideas ignited, soaring and exploding like fireworks in her mind.
Pinkie’s hooves were a blur as she ran in place, squealing. After giving the book a quick hug, Pinkie pushed it into her voluminous mane and bounded for Sugarcube Corner’s kitchen. She wanted to run her first ten dozen or so ideas by Mr. and Mrs. Cake while they were still fresh.
Rarity’s party was going to be so off the hook!
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My dad often makes jokes like this, but I still laughed at this one.
Show of hands: How many of you have pretty much felt this way about expecting a package?
*Raises hand*
This was just so perfectly Pinkie! It was a wonderful little slice of looking at her and how she thinks. I loved the new word, too 'Adventerious'! I'm going to start using that one. Really enjoyed it, very much! Glad to see you back, too!
6865692 Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Pinkie is my favorite character, so writing her is my favorite thing.
Not sure how back I am, though. I mean, I never truly left. I still checked back in every couple of weeks. I'd like to say that I'm going to write more, but I'm not sure. I don't really have the time for it anymore. I wrote this years ago, but since the collab fell through, I figured I'd just post it up.
6865651 That's the joy of writing Pinkie. If the jokes are good, then great. If they're bad, well, that's still pretty Pinkie Pie.
Definitely slice of life. Was very pleased to see you publish something again. I enjoyed it.
6865723 Thanks! I'm probably going to publish another story soon. I need to read it a few more times and refine it. Since I didn't really expect to publish it, I just banged it out. People seem to like it, though, so why not?
I love stories where Pinkie takes the utterly mundane incredibly seriously. There's just a lot of charm in seeing her at her most needlessly intense. Plus, there are gems like "Cool and inscrutable, the mailbox bided its time." Thank you for this.
6865739 You're very welcome. I'm glad this saw the light of day. It's been sitting in a collab folder waiting to get used for like two years.
Perfectly Pinkie puns. A mailbox given "personality". Wonderful writing as always. Hope you can continue writing soon.
6865790 I hope so, too. I have plenty of ideas. I just don't have any time.
Glad you liked this one. I wrote it so long ago that I can't remember whether you've seen it previously or not.
I got a computer through the post a couple weeks ago.
I dont have any display modern enough to use it.
If the mail box was that full with just the catalog, whats it look like with the cart of supplies?
This was a horrible pun.
It made me laugh nonetheless.
6865887 I revel in horrible puns. Puns should be a visceral experience.
6865880 Pinkie likes a mailboxes that explodes. Remember her brief stint as a mailpony in Pinkie Pride? The more stuffed full of things, the better.
6865717
I thought it was very well done. I could tell she is your favorite because you wrote her so well. I know what you mean about having time. I'm glad you're still checking in, though. Always glad to see something from you.
I feel you, Pink. I get this way every time I submit a new story for approval.
This is a nice, mellow little story. Considering how Pinkie hovered around her mailbox while Rainbow Dash was at the Wonderbolt Academy, I can definitely picture her spending a whole day like this. And as mentioned by my comment above, it's actually very relatable as well. It's nice to see that even with your hiatus, you haven't lost your touch. Good to see you back in the saddle, my friend. Even if it's only temporary.
This is basically a 1:1 metaphor for my writing process. It's pretty impressive that way. Independent of this fact, I enjoyed it quite a bit.
Of course, this isn't the first time you've written about Pinkie and mail, is it?
6866220 Well, I didn't write this during my hiatus. It was written years ago, but sat around waiting for a collab that never happened. I did write this Lovecraftish story that I might release in the next few days. I need to re-read it and see what I can do to make it actually good. I just wrote it on a lark.
6866363 It seems to be a pattern I can't escape.
6866297 You heard it here, folks! Come experience the Skywriter Simulator! Only five bits for fifteen minutes!
6866471
There's less porn in this than it would take to be an actual Skywriter simulator.
6866477 You heard it here, folks! Skywriter demands a special clop chapter! Five bits for fifteen minutes!
6866480
You put the five bits in a little coin-op box and a window slides up.
Whoa, you're writing pone again?
How'd I miss this?
~Skeeter The Lurker
6866477 *Does a quick search of Skywriter's stories*
You know, I'm more than a little curious what an actual clopfic from you would look like. The writing wouldn't be the only rock solid thing, if you know what I mean.
6866528
Rest assured it would be incredibly awkward, not at all erotic, and contain far too many commas for anyone's good.
6866523 I wrote this years ago, actually. I'm just getting around to publishing it because Peregrine Caged's collab never happened. This was supposed to be included in that.
I do have another story that I might be publishing in the near future, though.
6866537
You're gonna write a porno? That sounds intriguing.
I also find odd pleasure in xjug writing a story about postage.
There is only one character who could utter the following phrase. Well, maybe Ditzy too. But mostly Pinky.
Look! The paint is drying! Quick! You have to see this!
YES,ES,YES,YES
YEEEESSSSSS!
That was Fantastic!
See I even used capital letters for the start of each word, that's how good it is
You should do a sequel where Pinkie realizes all this stuff comes by mail as well.
Not to be confused with:
6866537 So basically sex.
As someone who waited three years for a certain letter to arrive, I can feel Pinkie's pain.
Both of the links in the author's notes seem to be to a GDoc of this story rather than to the stories listed.
6870302 What? Weird. Okay, let me see if I can fix that...
Edit: Thanks for letting me know. I could have sworn that I checked those links, but apparently not.
6867297 Not sure I'd do a sequel to this, but if I do write more, you can be assured that Pinkie will probably factor it. I love Pinkie. I am still writing her in my collab with Steel Resolve, so there's that. Plenty of Pinkie goodness over on that story.
6868266 Dude. Three years?! I had to break out an interrobang for that one.
I reviewed this story!
My review can be found here.
Nicely done for the the goal it was written towards. Excellent voice for Pinkie throughout, though of course the story description gives away pretty much the whole thing. I'm wondering if that's unavoidable with "pure" slice of life though, as any surprise would, of course, be growth or plot of some kind I think.
6944957 No doubt a better author than I am could have done more with the concept, but I still like this one. In the absence of being able to craft a plot or some kind of an event, I just focused as much as I could on character and hoped that would win the day. I think this is fairly successful in meeting the criteria I was given, though it falls short of being a good story. It's more of a good scene that should be in some other story. Still, I like to think it's a fun read for the few minutes it would take someone to go through it.
You know, Pinkie is going to have to deal with her opponent again in the future when whatever party supplies she orders will be coming.
What I learned from this comment section:
1) xJugx is back to writing, full time, and is cranking out thousands of words a day.
2) This, his most recent output, is the first chapter of a massive epic wherein Pinkie will adventure far and wide, learning about herself in the process.
3) 6866477 is writing a clopfic.
4) Some other dude named after the peregrine falcon is releasing a compilation of some sort.
Do I have that about right?
7009974
With the ease of creating multiple accounts and usernames, maybe I already have written a clopfic and you just don't know it.
7009974 Well, one outta four ain't bad, I suppose.
Though I've been thinking of writing lately, and I am about to buckle down and add to the story that I write with Steel Resolve. That's a Pinkie epic of sorts. Maybe that crystal ball ain't so cloudy after all, pterrorgrine.
7010240
7011633
Skywriter clopfic confirmed, though of course I totally knew that.
7011779
Now try and find the one I allegedly wrote.
Seriously, I have no secret clopfic account.
Of course, that is exactly what I would say if I wanted my secret clopfic account to stay secret.
That was adorable, and truly a Slice of Life. It's Pinkie being Pinkie with no new lessons to be learned.
If only I had gotten Slice of Life right with my latest story...
8320654
Thanks! I had a really good time writing this, and I love stuff that's just literally slice-of-life. Readers on the whole seem to think that true SoL stories are boring, but I really dig them if the character work is good.
The instant you mentioned the collab, I was like, "I think I know what he's talking about..." Hah! :D
This is bad and you should feel bad. :B