Given a New Life

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Comments ( 11 )

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Frankie2

Frankie2 #1 · Jun 14th, 2016 · · · Getting Ready to Meet the Sisters ·

I haven't read the story yet, and I can tell by the description that you need an editor.

Flint-Lock

Flint-Lock #2 · Jun 14th, 2016 · · · Arrival ·

Immediately, three guards came in with muskets. They are anthropomorphic stallions. They had some armor on as well as helmets looking like light armored knights. They pointed their muskets at the two men. Wilson and Leo immediately threw their hands up.

This is not how you write a sentence.

This is how you write a sentence.

"There was a loud crash, and three anthropomorphic stallions in thick plate armor burst into the room, muskets pointed squarely at their chests. Not wanting to anger the big scary horse-men with guns, Wilson and Leo threw their hands up."

See the difference?

Kilo1901

Kilo1901 #3 · Jun 14th, 2016 · · · Getting Ready to Meet the Sisters ·

7302315 That sounds cool! I like it! But the door was already open because the nurses came in first. How about something the guards rushing in?

Kilo1901

Kilo1901 #4 · Jun 14th, 2016 · · · Getting Ready to Meet the Sisters ·

7302235 Can't agree with you more, Frank.

chaoticevl

chaoticevl #5 · Jun 15th, 2016 · · · Getting Ready to Meet the Sisters ·

Certainly not a bad start and will be waiting for more. You could use an editor but ive seen far worse. The only things that grab me as poxsible probpems, the colors are fine but make sure their consistant. Also i wouldn't consider unicorns more intelligent then the other tribes, maybe more studious but not more intelligent.

Pontiff Sulyvahn