Kilo1901
Joined 13th Aug, 2015 ·
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I like it. It's very well done but I do wish that the Kira Shimmer would interact with the Main 5 just to see their reaction. Ovreally it's a great start keep it up.
You should try to show and not tell. An example is the way you explained how Kira is modest instead of just writing a scene where Celestia keeps on complementing her, and she says something like, "it's nothing..."
Another problem I noticed is the run-on sentences. You absolutely need to use more periods.
Sunset ventured off to her bathroom. Once she got there, she stripped down and looked at herself in the mirror. The reflection shown a toned bodied woman standing 180 cm tall, with a nice set of 36-C cups. Her skin-tone shone gold-yellow, and her hair was a fiery red and yellow color.
Try reading your sentences out loud. You should be able to catch the run on sentences that way.
Btw, the story itself was okay, I'd read the next chapter when it comes out.
6738473 Their reactions will come soon.
6738530 Thanks for the advice. Yeah, run-on sentences have been a problem with my writing skills. Those things really bugs the crap out of me. If there are anymore run-ons please let me know. I'll be sure to make the proper edits.
Great story, poor grammar. I'm only giving this a dislike because of the writing style. Search around for a pre reader. There are plenty on this site.
6743101 Can you discribe my writing style, or tell me what's wrong with it? And also, tell me or show me the errors that are there. Otherwise I don't know what to improve on.
6743867 I'll start with what you've got right: you start a new paragraph when a different person talks and you're punctuation is accurate. the main problem is as follows;
"Sunset said, Sunset said, Sunset did this, Sunset said, Celestia replied, Sunset replied, Celestia said."
Use pronouns. With only two people in the conversation, they get the message across just as well.
Additionally, Then, right the and there, his master walked in into the room went up him and started rebuking him." Kira Continued.
Lastly, I agree with Botmj. Don't be afraid of full stops. using them doesn't mean the end.
Yeah, this needs better grammar.
Also, KIIIIIIIRAAAAAAAAAA
6746304 Please tell me, specifically, what's wrong with my grammar. Or is it my writing style?
6744267 And what's wrong with my writing style?
6746938 I have already explained the errors in your writing style. They are the same errors I saw in you story. (i.e. your writing) It is now on you to take what I have said and act upon it. (or don't, it's your story)
6747008 At the very least, did you get the story? Because that is the whole point of writing this.
6747223 I got the point of the story, though it did take a little more effort than it should have. Besides, I thought the point of writing fanfiction was to improve our writing and story concepts. Your concept are good in this case. I'm not arguing that.
6747564 Thanks, and this is my FRIST story, so it's a little rough.
6746935
Well, there are quite a few spelling errors, and the first paragraph shouldn't be a text wall. Also, run-on sentences are rampant throughout the whole thing. If possible, I would suggest getting a proofreader.
please don't give up on this story i have a feeling that this will be very interesting i'm sure if you wrote some more people would like it
and here is what i think part of the next chapter will be:
i'm guessing you will have Kira shimmer find fluttershy and help her as well as get sunset her just deserts
7390131 Thanks for Existing. I do plan on returning on this story, but I'm work on another story and I can't work on that one because real life and DMV written Tests... Hates those.
7403880 trust me i know and what about what i said in the spoiler box did i hit the nail on the head or even close to it
7410596 You're on the right track, but this fic is not gonna be a two-shot.
Question: Update?
7410610
hey kilo been a while i was just wondering if you were ever going to update this a lot of people seem interested,and i know i am, if you have given up on this that's fine just please announce it...